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A Message from Michele
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Originally Posted by wayfarer
It's good you've addressed the anxiety over this. I know you didn't want the meds but it helps I promise. It helps with sleep, with eating. With surviving.

This is my hope. It's annoying though how somebody can literally drive you to drugs!

Originally Posted by wayfarer
What are kind of food you can handle right now?

I try to eat ok: Breakfast: scambled egg or omelette with avocado. Lunch: salad. Dinner: Organic fish/chicken with vegetables and rice. Can't handle big portions, but I force myself to eat them even though I'm not hungry. Basically it the same (or similar) to what I was eating prior to this and I wasn't losing weight then. So this seems to be 100% pure stress.

Originally Posted by wayfarer
Now as to sleep. I'm guessing you're not sleeping. What are ways you're helping yourself find sleep? I have tons and tons of suggestions for this if you need them.

Sleep is the worst! Getting about 3 hours broken sleep - 15 mins at a time. Which is 2 hours 15 more than I was getting the first 2 weeks. I listen to meditation audios with my ipod in my ears, which helps a bit. Any suggestions would be most welcome.

Originally Posted by wayfarer
You will be amazed at how much less chaotic you feel once you've gotten some solid sleep and some calories in you.

I live in hope! I'm certainly knackered! That's probably the weight loss


M(55), W(45)
BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21)
Divorce Filed (16 July '21)
---
When you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, you need to trust it's there.
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Originally Posted by MLCxH
Smilie,
One advice I would give you is to look forward and not second guess things in the past. It does not matter whether she did not give you signs in the past, it does not matter whether she did give signs and you missed them, it does not matter if there were things you could have done better to prevent this from happening. Most LBS dwell on what could have been done but it is usually not productive.

Look forward from where you are today. Focus on the present and focus on what you can control. Be confident that whatever happens, you will come out of this better and stronger.


This.


M(52), W(53),D(17)
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Originally Posted by MLCxH
Originally Posted by LH19

When the institution of marriage began people were lucky to live until they were 30.

Now we are living until 80-90. Being in close quarters with the same person for 60-70 years is very difficult.



This has more to do with the evolution of the institution of marriage rather than life expectancy. Look at how many people get divorced young and within 5 years of marriage even when they have kids together. Marriage has evolved to be more of a social and more importantly legal contract. Yes, our hormones play tricks on us to make us believe in soulmates and true love but over time, the reality surfaces. In older days, people stuck together because it was harder to get divorced. Men and women often had distinct roles and it was hard for one to take over the responsibilities of the other. Today, that is no longer a barrier with women working and men being able to take care of the house and kids. There was also stigma attached to getting divorced which is no longer the case.

Originally Posted by wayfarer
WAW promised for better or worse, sickness and health. smilie shouldn't bear the burden of a broken promise as his fault.


The person breaking a promise rarely bears the burden at least in the short term. If they had to bear the burden, they would likely not break the promise. It is usually the other person that is impacted

And speaking of promises and vows, do they really mean anything anymore other than personal convictions? 50% of marriages end in divorce. A large percentage of the ones that don't end in D, involve breaking vows in some form of the other such as EA/PA or even thinking about an EA/PA. What % of couples can truly say they never broke *any* of their marriage vows? I wonder if we can say with confidence that marriage vows are more meaningful than 'pinky promises' made by kids? smile



Yep marriage has been cheapened by many things, some of it intentional, over the years. Especially in the last 50 years. I've always maintained that marriage is way too eat to get into, and eat too easy to get out of. We have turned it into pinky swears as a society. It really is a sad commentary especially considering many consider it "progress".

And to quote Forest Gump, that's all I have to say about that.


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Oohhh boy this is my favorite newbie advice to give. I'm a horrible sleeper in general even in times of calm. So when the EA started before H was willing to admit it I had already stopped sleeping. Once I kicked him out of the bed I was sleeping maybe 3 hours broken like you. So the meditation audio is great. But it's just one piece of a bunch. One of the biggest things is our brains crave predictability. Even more so in times of stress so you need a bed time and a bed time routine. Let's say you pick a 10:30pm bed time you have to be in bed and done with your routine by that time every night. The routine I strongly recommend is a warm shower with a lavender soap about an hour before bed. There are lavender soaps out there that aren't so feminine. A good one is Dr. Bronner's. I don't know what the availability is for you where you are. But there are others. It may take some research. After your shower no TV, phone, tablet, kindle what have you. Make a nice cup of tea. But not like a cuppa. A nice herbal tea no caffeine. Chamomile if you don't mind it. I strongly suggest ordering a weighted blanket if you don't have one. I also suggest a diffusor for essential oils. Put it in the bedroom. There are a million sleepy time blends. Just find one that you like. Start that when you make your tea so the room is already filled with the scent when you lay down. You can add in or take out any steps as you like. It's your routine. But definitely stay away from screens at least 30 min before bed and do that routine consistently at the same time every day for a few weeks. I promise sleep with come easier. My last suggestion would be CBD oil in tincture form. High dose. Like 700mg or more. Take that about an hour before bed too.

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Originally Posted by wayfarer
Oohhh boy this is my favorite newbie advice to give. I'm a horrible sleeper in general even in times of calm. So when the EA started before H was willing to admit it I had already stopped sleeping. Once I kicked him out of the bed I was sleeping maybe 3 hours broken like you. So the meditation audio is great. But it's just one piece of a bunch. One of the biggest things is our brains crave predictability. Even more so in times of stress so you need a bed time and a bed time routine. Let's say you pick a 10:30pm bed time you have to be in bed and done with your routine by that time every night. The routine I strongly recommend is a warm shower with a lavender soap about an hour before bed. There are lavender soaps out there that aren't so feminine. A good one is Dr. Bronner's. I don't know what the availability is for you where you are. But there are others. It may take some research. After your shower no TV, phone, tablet, kindle what have you. Make a nice cup of tea. But not like a cuppa. A nice herbal tea no caffeine. Chamomile if you don't mind it. I strongly suggest ordering a weighted blanket if you don't have one. I also suggest a diffusor for essential oils. Put it in the bedroom. There are a million sleepy time blends. Just find one that you like. Start that when you make your tea so the room is already filled with the scent when you lay down. You can add in or take out any steps as you like. It's your routine. But definitely stay away from screens at least 30 min before bed and do that routine consistently at the same time every day for a few weeks. I promise sleep with come easier. My last suggestion would be CBD oil in tincture form. High dose. Like 700mg or more. Take that about an hour before bed too.


I tried all the natural remedies, including diffused essential oils. The only thing that finally got me sleeping was Benadryl. I would just convince myself my allergies were acting up and take a dose!


M(52), W(53),D(17)
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Lol I'm on board with benadryl. I'd recommend that too. But I don't know what kind of contraindications he might have with his meds for other stuff. And I was put on like heavy duty sleeping meds when my MR with my first H was falling apart and I do weird stuff. Walk, talk, eyes open and everything. So I never suggest that stuff.

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Originally Posted by wayfarer
Lol I'm on board with benadryl. I'd recommend that too. But I don't know what kind of contraindications he might have with his meds for other stuff. And I was put on like heavy duty sleeping meds when my MR with my first H was falling apart and I do weird stuff. Walk, talk, eyes open and everything. So I never suggest that stuff.


Oh such a good point! Thanks for reminding me, when I responded I forgot he could on other subscription meds.

Yeah I am with you. Sleeping meds should be avoided if for nothing more than they are habit forming.


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Last edited by job; 06/25/21 01:48 PM. Reason: added link to new thread

Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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