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Hello IW

Be better not bitter.

Youve no idea how happy it made me to see you bring that up.

I know youre in a low spot right now. However, recalling and living that quote, you are in a great headspace my friend - you just dont feel it yet. Dont fret its coming.

Im very glad to see IC is having a positive affect with you. The rough time you know will pass, and yes the only way to the other side is to journey through it.

Stay strong my friend.

And it is good to hear from you. Really good.

D


Now: Me54 XW50 S24 S23 S21 D19

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

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Hi everyone. It has been some time since I posted. I needed a break.

My situation continues to remain calm. Still home still IHS. Things are respectful. I don't feel much like talking about what happened. I'm tired of talking about it, here and IRL. Living in the past is an exhausting prospect and consumes too much energy for something that cannot be changed.

I am currently continuing to work on myself in IC and other personal projects I have always wanted to do. Dealing with my codependency issues and PTSD continues to be a work in progress. You don't get over these things overnight as i am slowly learning.

The future? Who knows. I'm not worried about it, it will be what it will be. I have a lot of things that i wanted to do when I was on my own before my MR and nothing is stopping me from doing them now.

Thank you again to all who helped me during my darkest days. I am very grateful for all the 2x4s and the help.

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Hi IronWill,

What approach is your IC taking to help you past PTSD? In the past, I've dealt with trauma (childhood) through talking and journaling. That's reduced triggers from daily to monthly. I feel like I'm missing a magic bullet to deliver the coup de gras, but maybe like physical scars, some trauma never fully goes away.

I get not wanting to constantly rehash what negatives have happened to you.

I'm glad you're working on IC and personal projects!



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Originally Posted by IronWill
Hi everyone. It has been some time since I posted. I needed a break.

My situation continues to remain calm. Still home still IHS. Things are respectful. I don't feel much like talking about what happened. I'm tired of talking about it, here and IRL. Living in the past is an exhausting prospect and consumes too much energy for something that cannot be changed.

I am currently continuing to work on myself in IC and other personal projects I have always wanted to do. Dealing with my codependency issues and PTSD continues to be a work in progress. You don't get over these things overnight as i am slowly learning.

The future? Who knows. I'm not worried about it, it will be what it will be. I have a lot of things that i wanted to do when I was on my own before my MR and nothing is stopping me from doing them now.

Thank you again to all who helped me during my darkest days. I am very grateful for all the 2x4s and the help.

IW,

You are the model of endurance. Respect!

Your sitch has always been very unique to me. Hope she comes to her senses and realizes what a good man she has in you.

If not, I know you will be fine!


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.- Will Smith
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Originally Posted by IronWill
Hi everyone. It has been some time since I posted. I needed a break.

My situation continues to remain calm. Still home still IHS. Things are respectful. I don't feel much like talking about what happened. I'm tired of talking about it, here and IRL. Living in the past is an exhausting prospect and consumes too much energy for something that cannot be changed.

I am currently continuing to work on myself in IC and other personal projects I have always wanted to do. Dealing with my codependency issues and PTSD continues to be a work in progress. You don't get over these things overnight as i am slowly learning.

The future? Who knows. I'm not worried about it, it will be what it will be. I have a lot of things that i wanted to do when I was on my own before my MR and nothing is stopping me from doing them now.

Thank you again to all who helped me during my darkest days. I am very grateful for all the 2x4s and the help.


Great update, IW! Keep on keeping on.


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Originally Posted by CWarrior
Hi IronWill,

What approach is your IC taking to help you past PTSD? In the past, I've dealt with trauma (childhood) through talking and journaling. That's reduced triggers from daily to monthly. I feel like I'm missing a magic bullet to deliver the coup de gras, but maybe like physical scars, some trauma never fully goes away.

I get not wanting to constantly rehash what negatives have happened to you.

I'm glad you're working on IC and personal projects!


Hi CW -

Currently I'm doing the same as you - talking and journaling. Triggers are harder - I never know whats going to set it off. Since I have childhood and military bouts with PTSD is can get overwhelming quickly. I've noticed the military seems to be confined to horrific dreams and insomnia - waking up with a start and feeling like there's no oxygen in the room in full sweats. That's been recurring for decades. The childhood ptsd is in daily interactions and can creep up suddenly.

IMO I think there is no magic bullet. It is a part of who I am a part of my past and it made me who I am today. It is rough to deal with but it has made me a stronger person. I suspect it is the same for you. I think your trauma, like mine, will always be there in some small part and that it made you a tougher man.

There are however lots of coping mechanisms available which is what I am researching and doing atm. Might help you some too smile

IC has mentioned EMDR (i think That's what its called?) I will be doing that in person once this pandemic calms down. smile

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I'm so happy to hear from you again IW. It sounds like you're doing fairly well. Which is always good to hear. I've heard great things about EMDR and PTSD/C-PTSD. I've also heard it great for doing trauma work. Fingers crossed that you'll get to start that soon. Out of curiosity have you and IC discussed PTSD and C-PTSD the differences and the like long term plan for treatment? I know the concept of C-PTSD is fairly new but is pretty important in dealing with the childhood trauma stuff.

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Good Morning IW

It is nice to hear from you.

I totally empathize and understand that draining feeling you speak of. The emotional realization of the immutability of the past is a tough lesson. Intellectual that is so easy; feelings are slower to accept it turns out. Ah, the difference between control and influence. (Beliefs are even slower to alter. A great thing as it turns out, this slow altering of beliefs and values. They make excellent headings for life.)

We are but a leaf on a stream.

At first we are thrown about in the suddenly violent rapids we find ourselves in. Bobbing up and down, fighting for air, desperately looking to see where we are and what is going on. We struggle and panic. Grab at anything to latch on to.

Eventually the streams energy subsided a bit. The overwhelming waves are greatly reduced in both amplitude and frequency. We catch our breath and even discover where we are and piece together what happened.

Of course, we never realized we were a leaf and at that point still dont. We swim against the current. Pushing back against the relentless passing of time and events. Further realizations come from our efforts.

Firstly, our struggling and swimming against the current is not futile. That effort is needed to break through our own self imposed limitations.

Secondly, our limitations were that of control and what we believed we controlled and could control. We slowly learn that we control little - only our thoughts, actions, and reactions.

Thirdly, further shattering of our limiting of self come from realizing our influence. We can exert great influence. This is not direct control, rather subtle moulding, shaping, and evolving of present events, values, situation into that which we aspire towards or hope for. This is a key realization for we do greatly influence and when unchecked and unrealized that influence harms and hinders.

Fourth, our beliefs are altered, organized, and strengthened. Crafted are values we aspire to. Discarded are beliefs that do not serve us. And that which we hold most dear is strengthened. Lifes headings these are. Noble and grand destinations to journey towards.

Fifth, the journey matters. How we walk our path matters more than the destination. In fact, its always been about the journey not the destination. Those are headings, not an end. Lifes a journey. Keep moving forward.

Sixth, we are leaf. Its not that we give up our control and float wherever the current pushes us. No, we influence the stream itself. We influence that current to slowly alter our headings. Our water flows unstoppably. Fate, life, events and such do place barriers and rocks in the path of the water. Yet flow it will. We need not add to the debris.

Seventh, accepting the rocks of the past allows the leaf to float to smooth waters. A far gentler current awaits. Our values and beliefs, our spiritual path, influence our stream. Peace and contentment come from knowing and understanding and believing our control and our influences.

And finally, we are not but a leaf on a stream. For we are the stream itself. We have many different leaves floating. Different times and events. The leaf is our focus upon that time. Influence the leafs path and you will have a great life.

Each of us, our life, is clear clean water that flows. Live in the light and influence well.

D


Now: Me54 XW50 S24 S23 S21 D19

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

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Originally Posted by IronWill
Hi everyone.

Thank you to everyone who has helped me out and offered words of encouragement and support. Words can't properly express how grateful I am to have found this place at just the right moment.

I'm not going to spend much time going over what happened in my sit. I'm at a place where rehashing what happened over and over again only serves to confuse my path going forward, and I don't want to do that. I would recommend for others to glean what they can from the beginning of my sit - and you'll be able to see the progress and the setbacks that have happened along the way smile

Things have stabilized in my sit since late last year/early this year. I have been IHS for around 2 years, BD1 was around 2.5 years ago. I am in what could be considered the marathon phase - though i view it as "living my life". Standing is what I want to be doing, though I don't know if its standing or simply appreciating the calm and the quiet.

I am currently working on forgiving myself and WAW - internally. I do not want to be angry or resentful for the rest of my life. There are many wonderful things about life, and I am working on focusing on those and PMA.

So instead of rehashing everything again - if there are any newcomers or others out there who have questions - ill be happy to try and answer them to the best of my ability.

Take care everyone - stay strong smile



Good for you Ironwill!

I'm not at the forgiveness stage. To me, if WW hasn't shown remorse, repentance, sorrow etc and is refusing to follow the terms of the divorce why should I forgive her?

Forgiveness comes from repentance. Those words, "I'm sorry" must be heartfelt and genuine because without that, forgiveness takes on a different meaning, "to let go", does not have the same ring and feel to it.

Letting go is a good thing, it helps you move on and free yourself from the past, but I don't see it as forgiveness,

Maybe I'm wrong here with my viewpoints, so feel free to comment.

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Drh,

Forgiveness has zero to do with repentance. I've said this a bunch of times on other people's threads, but this notion that forgiveness is some grand magical gesture bestowed upon the transgressor by the transgressed is beyond a fallacy. No one is sitting upon a moral high ground throne handing out forgiveness. Forgiveness is a process. A process that can be done entirely without anyone asking for it or showing repentance. Forgiveness is a way to let go of the tether that binds you to people that have wronged you. Anger tethers you indefinitely to a person. As long as you hold on to the anger you will always be at the mercy of that person. You will always be at the mercy of the wrongs they've done. Forgiveness is accepting what has happened, no longer being wiling to be beholden to the pain, and moving forward. You forgive for you, for your spirit, your mind, your soul. No one else's. But you don't ever have to forget.

Remorse, is what you need to regain or maintain a relationship with someone in the same form as before. But if you have no interest in that iteration of your relationship then it isn't necessary. People forgive every single day without so much as an acknowledgement they they even did anything wrong. People forgive people of things that to some would be unforgiveable. The biggest hurdle here is understanding that forgiveness isn't one sweeping action absolving exW (or whomever) of all her sins. It actually offers no absolution. Just a path way for you to let go and move on fully.

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