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Originally Posted by smilie

Yep. Finding that one out! I'm a logical thinker and it certainly doesn't fit into that model.


Thats why you wont understand it - Women in general are more emotional than males. WW's are operating on 100% emotion. Don't try to make any logical sense of it, as you cant make sense of emotional decissions.

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That's just mad. This is why I cannot understand why she got married. If he wasn't going to respect boundaries, our marriage or me, then why do it? It totally baffles me - goes back to that driving me crazy part again, I suppose and not trying to work it out.


Because at that given time, she was emotionally connected to you and wanted to get married to you. In her head, at that time, she wanted you..

Respect is also key IMO - its earned, and can be lost. Once the respect goes, why should she respect the boundaries, if she doesnt respect you ? . Attraction also has its part to play. If you were 13 stone and buff 15 years ago, and now have a 19 stone dad bod, and this was important for her, it may cause the attraction to drop and the wandering eye.

Ive dated several ladies who let themselves go after kids, only to find their husbands lost attraction and looked elsewhere. It goes both ways.

There are several good books out there about understanding how women work, and how given emotions can sway from minute to minute. There is also a lot of good advice on posts on this site about validating.


Previous username - Helpme123.. A name chosen at a desperate time..

Now Mr Brightside.. coming out of my cage, and doing just fine.
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Right at the start of this my wife's post was coming through, now it has dribbled to a halt. When we spoke a week after she left, she said that she hadn't redirected it because she didn't want to pay the money. It is obvious now that she has been contacting companies and changing her address. So, it looks like she has set up home elsewhere and didn't divert the post via the postal service as this can be traced and I "may" be able to find out where she is.

So calculated and planned. I think that's it then. No hope.


M(55), W(45)
BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21)
Divorce Filed (16 July '21)
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Smilie,

there is Hope....

Speaking from experience, i have never been happier.

My WW cheating was the best thing that happened to me.

Your brain will be going into overdrive now with worry..

Set yourself some goals - Not win get your WW back - for you..

realistic goals - then start working towards them...

NOT tomorrow - Start today.


Previous username - Helpme123.. A name chosen at a desperate time..

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Originally Posted by MrBrside
If you were 13 stone and buff 15 years ago, and now have a 19 stone dad bod, and this was important for her, it may cause the attraction to drop and the wandering eye.

I'm in better shape no than when we got married. Always been fit-ish, got a home gym, but haven't used it too much over the past year. I was just over 11 stone and in not bad shape and since she has left dropped a stone in 4 weeks.

I think I will have to resign myself to the fact that this is over. I was hoping that there still may be a chance to recover from this deep down, but seeing her post come to a dribbling halt, it's now obvious she's not intending to return.


M(55), W(45)
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Originally Posted by MrBrside
Smilie,

there is Hope....

Speaking from experience, i have never been happier.

My WW cheating was the best thing that happened to me.

Your brain will be going into overdrive now with worry..

Thank you for your sentiment. I fear that because this is the second time she has left in 10 years, that hope is almost gone. Why would she come back to somebody she sees as a loser a second time?

Yes my brain is going bloomin' mad! This week is the worst week of them all, and I'm finally start to sort things out, so you would have thought it should be a better week.

I rally didn't think I would want her back as she has {said that she has} had an affair, but I can't just throw away 11 years of marriage and a 19-year R without some sort of fight! I just can't. Yes it needs to get better, it needs to change and I was trying to talk to her about making things better going forward this year a fair few weeks before she left.

Originally Posted by MrBrside
Set yourself some goals - Not win get your WW back - for you..

realistic goals - then start working towards them...

NOT tomorrow - Start today.

I have set my goals, I set them before she left as far as creating an income goes. It's web development stuff and I need to concentrate, but my brain is going so mad that I can't think and I need to learn and work stuff out.

Goals: Workout, develop business website plan as an income stream, meditate, continue working out trading platform strategy (working with a friend).

Call me a whimp, but today so far I've had 3 major panic attacks and the third one is in mid-flow. I need to go the the post office this afternoon, so that will be a stroll, perhaps I'll nip into the pub, take my laptop and create my ultimate plan. Today was supposed to be a day off as I have been on the go for 4 entire weeks and my neurological condition is playing hell with my head.

I have been reading the forums here for the past couple of hours, all the old posts, "Going Dark" and WAW to reducate myself. I still cannot believe this has happened again without warning. She learned from last time and left her stuff behind and just took her!

Last edited by smilie; 06/22/21 11:41 AM.

M(55), W(45)
BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21)
Divorce Filed (16 July '21)
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Originally Posted by MrBrside
My WW cheating was the best thing that happened to me.

Seriously? And you was able to get over it and not hold it against her?


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Divorce Filed (16 July '21)
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Originally Posted by MrBrside

Word of advice - dont try to figure this out. You will go crazy .

Its easy to figure out

Anything you think or the average person thinks,
the opposite will be true.

If you think left then it is right, and vice versa.

All that being said,
I agree don't try to figure it out.


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Originally Posted by MrBrside

There are several good books out there about understanding how women work, and how given emotions can sway from minute to minute.


Can you recommend any MrB?


Me: 40 W:41
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BD & OM Jun 2020
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Originally Posted by smilie
Originally Posted by SteveLW
The point is, as you've realized, a cheater will find a way.

And of course, I remember this from when she was seeing me while living with her boyfriend. I just can't get after 19 yeas of being together, that she is sill like this. Why get married if you're not serious about it? She has never wanted kids either, more career-focused. It makes me feel sick just thinking about it. These bloomin' panic attacks are awful.


Sorry man, I can relate. In the thick of my sitch I can remember the "WHY?" moments and, looking back now, the panic attacks. The shortness of breath, the rapid heart rate, the feeling of powerlessness.

What I can tell you is that it does get better. As you learn to accept that you have no control over her, her actions or her choices you will get better at letting go. Ironically, letting go is what sometimes gets the WAS to start questioning if the choice they are making is the right one. I can't say it will happen in your sitch for sure, but holding on for dear life certainly doesn't help!

Lots of WSs in particular want their cake and eat it too. They want to go off and do who knows what with who knows who, but have the LBS waiting in the wings in case they change their mind. When you start removing yourself as Plan B, sometimes they realize that Plan A is all that solid!


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Originally Posted by smilie
Call me a whimp, but today so far I've had 3 major panic attacks and the third one is in mid-flow.


The reason is that you are grasping to re-estabish a feeling of control over your life.

When W cheated/left she ripped your sense of stability away from you. From your perspective you didn't do anything to deserve it, you couldn't stop it from happening, and you couldn't put things back together afterwards.

That would make anyone feel totally out of control, spinning down the drain, and that is a horrible feeling!

You are trying to analyze and understand everything so that you can build it into a rational model so that it will never, ever happen to you again. If I can avoid doing X, then Y will never happen. In addition, you want to unlock this puzzle, to deconstruct it so you can find the solution that will allow you to rebuild it. Finding that key would provide immense comfort.

Your brain has convinced itself that getting W back, or getting W to apologize and declare a desire to have you back is the very best and fastest way to restore your feeling of being in control.

With the benefit of time and distance, you'll realize that's what it's really all about, it's about regaining the ability to feel in control of your life and your future. It really has very little to do with W or who she is as a person, she's a lever to get you what you want, but that's really just an illusion.


M:51 W:46
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“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
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