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OB, I hear you that discussing justifications for choosing the WAS hat in one of my relationships may be triggering for some--thanks for speaking up. No doubt the anger BL42 feels towards his XW betraying him with OM2 is different than the anger I felt towards my XW for putting my son in the hospital or my long-term XGF for suddenly leaving the family home after promising forever. We each faced our own hells, but there are common threads, like the pain and anger we must process after our splits.



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If I may chime in…..

My ex left me for his AP when our first and only child was 6 months old. He moved her in as soon as the divorce was final, engaged shortly after and then married.

I was livid . I was hurt. I hated this woman being involved in my daughters life since before she even turned one year old. When my daughter was a year old , he tried to take her out of state to visit with OW’s friends WITHOUT TELLING ME. I went apeshit, naturally.

At that point I made sure he knew legally he had to make me away, I have to say know an address and phone number of where my child would be at.

I knew my daughter spent a lot of time with OW’s family as well. I never facilitated it, but I couldn’t stop it. The pain that came with it for me was absolutely immense. I couldn’t stop it. But I didn’t have to make it happen.

More time went on, and it just got easier. My ex was always the one to ask me if he could take her on my time to an event. No one else. And if it is something I know she would really enjoy, I would let him take her. If it was just for him to have my daughter as an accessory at a kids party, then no.

FF to nearly 14 years later. They are still married. My daughter is a part of OW’s family. They treat her well. I am friendly with OW. I am friendly with her family. I make sure every decision I make is in the best interest of my daughter. Even if it hurts me sometimes. She knows she has lots of people who love her. She is happy we all get along and can do things together on some special occasions.

This came with a lot of time and pain and maturity on my part.

You do need to exercise boundaries. They are important to establish early on. If your ex would like to have the kids on your time, she needs to approach you, no the OM’s SIL. I would make that boundary clear. That your custody and times should only be discussed between the 2 of you. No one else.

It’s a process, it’s a learning curve, and it’s hard! But eventually, it won’t be so difficult anymore.

Unless someone was ever in this position with young kids and affair partners, they don’t know what comes with this emotionally.

One day at a time. One decision at a time . I think your heart and head are in the right place. None of this is easy, and I was in my 20’s and I didn’t do such a good job of controlling my emotions in the beginning .

You are doing good. Keep going

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^^^^^ This. Everything Ginger said!

I do think you should politely decline instead of ignore. Why put up a wall or burn a bridge when you have absolutely no reason to? A decline of the invite states neither your displeasure nor approval of the invite. It just is. It's an actually neutral response vs. ignoring it.

And I really wouldn't block her number. And I'm not saying that so you can be besties or trade after school snack recipes with this woman. I'm a saver. I keep a ton of information out of an abundance of caution. Retaining the ability to contact OM's sister could some day help you track down your kids or your ex. But that's just me.

Last edited by wayfarer; 09/30/21 01:34 PM.
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This is how I would handle the current situation at hand:

Ignoring it all together is not the solution. It’s just going to hamper any further communication and trust me , with a 3 and a 6 year old, you want to make going forward as easy for yourself as possible.

So this is my suggestion .

Reach out to your ex W. Kindly ask that all requests for kids on your custody time be done directly between the two of you. It really is appropriate. The SIL of OM is not a friend or acquaintance of yours to be asking for that.

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That’s a great response, Ginger.

I admire your maturity even when faced with the pain of everything that occurred. I’m sure that was not easy.

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I 100% agree with Ginger’s advice. Any invites like this should come from your XW. I have made a point of requiring XH to be the person communicating with me regarding our children. Not just because it is his responsibility but also because it is important our kids see us as united in our efforts to parent them. Both XH and I have made a concerted effort to be reasonable and cooperative with one another and it can only benefit our kids in the long run. I also agree that ignoring the invite is a reaction and just paints you in a negative light (even though no one could blame you for feeling that way).

I completely understand your feelings BL. XH was dragging our kids to OW’s family events before I even knew she definitively was OW. And now they are married and he (mostly) lets me know when my kids are involved with her family. For instance, my daughter and her bestie went and stayed at the lake with OW’s mom for a couple days in the summer and he texted me to let me know. Was that a bit of a trigger? For about ten seconds and then I looked on the bright side… my kids have a stepmother whose family cares about and includes my children in their lives. I would have way more concerns if it was the opposite because then I would have to worry about my children’s feelings. Currently, the only feelings I usually have to worry about are my own and those get less and less intense as time goes on. If this had occurred this time last year, instead of ten seconds, it would have been a couple hours of negative feelings so distance and time does help. In the future, I fully expect it to be a non-issue. Now my kids are 13 so it is not exactly the same situation but the principle remains. You may not get to choose what happens to you but you do get to choose how to respond to it. As always, choose better not bitter. If you can do this consistently, long after the hurt feelings have faded away, you will look back on this time and be very glad you did. (((HUGS)))


Me 53
H 48
B/G Twins 13
SD 21
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019
Divorce final - November 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

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CWarrior/LH19/OnlyBent/Ginger1/wayfarer/Thornton/DejaVu6,

Greatly appreciate all the inputs, perspectives, and discussion on the topic...

Ultimately I decided not to respond at all to OM2's sister. To me that is taking the high road at this point. I won't make any nasty derogatory comments, but also don't feel the need to engage and play "nice" either. To Giner1 and DevaJu6's points, I can see how over time things can de-escalate and outlooks may change over time.

The kids will not be attending the party tomorrow. I don't see it as anti-"what's right for the kids". They are unaware of the situation, are not aware, and have no sense of missing out. We'll be going apple picking and to the pumpkin farm with my family as an alternative, which will be plenty of Fall fun. If they were older and aware and requesting to go I might make a different decision.

CWarrior,
Originally Posted by CWarrior
I suspect if any other parent whose kids played with yours invited your kids, you'd politely accept or decline (e.g., option #4), right?
I admit I was a little triggered to see the text come through, stunned even, but mostly galled she even had the audacity to contact me. Her ask seems completely taboo to me, but maybe I'm just too raw at this point. Certainly I'd politely decline (or more likely accept) for another kid's parent. But she is not just any other random parent. Her brother was sleeping with my wife and then moved in with her and my kids immediately after ExW moved out...and while we were married! It takes a lot of guts (and lack of empathy) for her to do that. I can not imagine if the situation were reversed and my sister slept with her husband and moved in with her kids that I would contact her as if nothing unusual happened and ask her kids spend time with us during her custody time. If anything I'd be appalled with my sister and contact her about how sorry I am for my family and that I disapprove.

Ginger1,
Originally Posted by Ginger1
My ex left me for his AP when our first and only child was 6 months old. He moved her in as soon as the divorce was final, engaged shortly after and then married.

I was livid . I was hurt. I hated this woman being involved in my daughters life since before she even turned one year old.
Ugh. 6 months?!? My daughter was not yet 1.5 when the OM1 affair was going on, which is bad enough, but 6 months sounds so much worse.

Originally Posted by Ginger1
I knew my daughter spent a lot of time with OW’s family as well. I never facilitated it, but I couldn’t stop it. The pain that came with it for me was absolutely immense. I couldn’t stop it. But I didn’t have to make it happen.
Yep. That's exactly where I'm at. ExW is even moving across the street from OM2's sister!

Originally Posted by Ginger1
More time went on, and it just got easier. My ex was always the one to ask me if he could take her on my time to an event. No one else. And if it is something I know she would really enjoy, I would let him take her. If it was just for him to have my daughter as an accessory at a kids party, then no.

FF to nearly 14 years later. They are still married. My daughter is a part of OW’s family. They treat her well. I am friendly with OW. I am friendly with her family. I make sure every decision I make is in the best interest of my daughter. Even if it hurts me sometimes. She knows she has lots of people who love her. She is happy we all get along and can do things together on some special occasions.

This came with a lot of time and pain and maturity on my part.

It’s a process, it’s a learning curve, and it’s hard! But eventually, it won’t be so difficult anymore.
Time will tell whether ExW and OM2 self-implode in another year (like Maika's Ex) or any another decade-plus (like yours, Ginger1). I'd be lying if I said I didn't hope for the former. Something about the ExW needing to start on a level playing field seems like justice. But, I know it'll be her life regardless and I should focus on mine. It must've been so incredibly difficult for you to deal with that situation for years, and kudos for you working through the pain. I can see how you're right that the anger and pain will dissipate over time and things will get less difficult - after all, I'm already much better emotionally than I was a year ago.

Originally Posted by Ginger1
Unless someone was ever in this position with young kids and affair partners, they don’t know what comes with this emotionally.
Indeed! The thought of an affair partner helping to raise my own kids...

Originally Posted by Ginger1
One day at a time. One decision at a time . I think your heart and head are in the right place. None of this is easy, and I was in my 20’s and I didn’t do such a good job of controlling my emotions in the beginning .

You are doing good. Keep going
Thanks! Really appreciate the kind words and support.

wayfarer,
Originally Posted by wayfarer
I do think you should politely decline instead of ignore. Why put up a wall or burn a bridge when you have absolutely no reason to? A decline of the invite states neither your displeasure nor approval of the invite. It just is. It's an actually neutral response vs. ignoring it.
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
I also agree that ignoring the invite is a reaction and just paints you in a negative light (even though no one could blame you for feeling that way).
I can see how it would be viewed as negative instead of neutral, but also not sure it burns any bridges. If I can get over ExW & OM2's actions over time in the interest of the kids, they can certainly get past a no-response to a kids' birthday party invite.

Originally Posted by wayfarer
And I really wouldn't block her number.
I don't plan to, unless there's repeated contact (which I highly doubt).

Ginger1/Thornton/DejaVu6,
Originally Posted by Ginger1
You do need to exercise boundaries. They are important to establish early on. If your ex would like to have the kids on your time, she needs to approach you, no the OM’s SIL. I would make that boundary clear. That your custody and times should only be discussed between the 2 of you. No one else.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
Reach out to your ex W. Kindly ask that all requests for kids on your custody time be done directly between the two of you. It really is appropriate. The SIL of OM is not a friend or acquaintance of yours to be asking for that.
Originally Posted by Thornton
That’s a great response, Ginger. I admire your maturity even when faced with the pain of everything that occurred. I’m sure that was not easy.
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
I 100% agree with Ginger’s advice. Any invites like this should come from your XW. I have made a point of requiring XH to be the person communicating with me regarding our children. Not just because it is his responsibility but also because it is important our kids see us as united in our efforts to parent them.
I like this suggestion of ANY custody requests ONLY going through me & ExW. I may have an email or discussion with ExW about this situation and going forward.

DejaVu6,
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
Both XH and I have made a concerted effort to be reasonable and cooperative with one another and it can only benefit our kids in the long run.
My perception is ExW & I have worked together relatively well in terms of the logistics with the kids, at least considering the situation. I've certainly seen a lot worse on this board, so in that sense we're doing alright.

Originally Posted by DejaVu6
I completely understand your feelings BL. XH was dragging our kids to OW’s family events before I even knew she definitively was OW. And now they are married and he (mostly) lets me know when my kids are involved with her family. For instance, my daughter and her bestie went and stayed at the lake with OW’s mom for a couple days in the summer and he texted me to let me know. Was that a bit of a trigger? For about ten seconds and then I looked on the bright side… my kids have a stepmother whose family cares about and includes my children in their lives. I would have way more concerns if it was the opposite because then I would have to worry about my children’s feelings. Currently, the only feelings I usually have to worry about are my own and those get less and less intense as time goes on. If this had occurred this time last year, instead of ten seconds, it would have been a couple hours of negative feelings so distance and time does help. In the future, I fully expect it to be a non-issue. Now my kids are 13 so it is not exactly the same situation but the principle remains. You may not get to choose what happens to you but you do get to choose how to respond to it. As always, choose better not bitter. If you can do this consistently, long after the hurt feelings have faded away, you will look back on this time and be very glad you did. (((HUGS)))
Thanks for the support. As I mentioned above in response to Ginger1, I can see how my emotions and triggers will dissipate and improve over time. Helps to hear these types of comments from others' who have gone through it. I'm working on it...


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
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Believe it or not, there comes a point where you hope your ex and her OM do not implode. When they got married, I wanted it work. I didn’t want my daughter to go through a divorce ( she was a baby for mine) and lose people who love her. I continue to want them to work. And they are, so that’s good. Him and I would never. He’s a really mean man at times and unless you just go with his flow, you pay the price. So, she can stand him.

Abs I would even make sure my daughter still saw her stepmother and her family if they did divorce and he wasn’t facilitating that.

It takes years and a lot of painful emotional work to get where I am. Not everyone does. Everyone doesn’t even have to. I still have triggers, they are just managed well.

You seem to have your kids best interest at heart. OM’s family seem like good people, even if they are clueless. And you and your ex can coparent.

By the way, my biggest hurt and pain came from the thought of another woman raising my child. Her thinking as her as her mother. And guess what. My daughter knows exactly who her mother is and parents are and what roles everyone has. Your kids know you are dad and always will. No if’s ands or buts about that

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Originally Posted by CWarrior
Originally Posted by BL42
I don't feel the need to have any interaction with OM2's sister or OM2's niece simply because they didn't directly wrong me
It does seem like you're projecting some of your anger towards your XW for betraying you upon her. I suspect if any other parent whose kids played with yours invited your kids, you'd politely accept or decline (e.g., option #4), right? I agree she doesn't deserve preferential (family-like) treatment, but I wonder if she deserves sub-par (betrayer-like) treatment. It's not her fault you're triggered? You do you. Where you can extend kindness, I think it can help to reduce drama. I'm blessed to get along with my ex.
I wouldn't want to be involved with OM2's sister in any way. It's not her fault but why get that close? Not that you're wrong for your choice either and I certainly don't see this as high and mighty.

And for all the triggering that people get CW walking away, we should probably, I dunno detach from all that. The beauty here is all the different advice and perspectives. I don't see anyone crapping and Sandi or neffer. Not to mention LH you tell people all the time about how they should turn into a WAS after being a LBS. I appreciate your perspective on that too and I think you really help empower these guys who are feeling low.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

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Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
Originally Posted by CWarrior
Originally Posted by BL42
I don't feel the need to have any interaction with OM2's sister or OM2's niece simply because they didn't directly wrong me
It does seem like you're projecting some of your anger towards your XW for betraying you upon her. I suspect if any other parent whose kids played with yours invited your kids, you'd politely accept or decline (e.g., option #4), right? I agree she doesn't deserve preferential (family-like) treatment, but I wonder if she deserves sub-par (betrayer-like) treatment. It's not her fault you're triggered? You do you. Where you can extend kindness, I think it can help to reduce drama. I'm blessed to get along with my ex.
I wouldn't want to be involved with OM2's sister in any way. It's not her fault but why get that close? Not that you're wrong for your choice either and I certainly don't see this as high and mighty.

And for all the triggering that people get CW walking away, we should probably, I dunno detach from all that. The beauty here is all the different advice and perspectives. I don't see anyone crapping and Sandi or neffer. Not to mention LH you tell people all the time about how they should turn into a WAS after being a LBS. I appreciate your perspective on that too and I think you really help empower these guys who are feeling low.
Truthfully I don’t give a $hit that CW is a WAS. If you follow his thread he is definitely dealing with his own karma anyway. I was pointing that out because he was bragging about how wonderful his relationship is with his exw. IMO way different circumstances when you are the WAS. As for Sandy and Neffer, pretty sure they never divorced their spouses. Appreciate the compliment in the end though.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.- Will Smith
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