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A Message from Michele
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smilie Offline OP
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"Overrn" mentioned these forums to me and suggested I post here.

I don't know where to start. 10 Years ago, just one year after marriage, my wife left. She went back and forth for a total of 9 months before she came home for good and wanted counselling. During that time I read and eventually adhered to as best I could "The Divorce Remedy". She promised there was no OM.

4 weeks ago tomorrow without any warning and living as we have for the past 10 years she went again, wanting space. Lying she was going to stay with her sister and that she had booked a hotel instead. Two days later I received a text message saying that she is not coming home as she has feelings for somebody else. Since then she had admitted adultery and said she wants a divorce. However 10 days after she said that her lawyer would be sending me something, nothing has happened.

Initially I wanted answers and needed contact as she had information I needed. I no longer contact her and all communication from her lawyer needs to go direct to mine.

She has stolen money from the saving account just after leaving.

Is there any hope for resolution seeing as this is the second time around? Bearing in mind we were good for 10 years and I thought there was no issue.

Background: 10 years ago I was out of work due to losing my job and the recession. It took me 1.5 years to get a suitable position. Now, this time, I have not been able to work due to ill health for 7 years. She says it's not because of that and she doesn't know what it is.

Thanks.


M(55), W(45)
BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21)
Divorce Filed (16 July '21)
---
When you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, you need to trust it's there.
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smilie Offline OP
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I forgot to say that she says she wants a divorce and has seen a divorce lawyer and says I will receive a letter (she is a lawyer herself). However I have received nothing in 11 days, which makes me wonder if she is serious about what she wants.

I'm on the verge of giving her that wish as I promised I would if that's what she wanted and didn't come back home. I have got a lawyer and am considering starting proceedings tomorrow, even though it's hurting my heart so deeply. It's not what I want, but neither is this situation again. And I'm not sure I could recover from her being unfaithful.


M(55), W(45)
BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21)
Divorce Filed (16 July '21)
---
When you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, you need to trust it's there.
Joined: Jun 2021
Posts: 239
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smilie Offline OP
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I forgot to say that she says she wants a divorce and has seen a divorce lawyer and says I will receive a letter (she is a lawyer herself). However I have received nothing in 11 days, which makes me wonder if she is serious about what she wants.

I'm on the verge of giving her that wish as I promised I would if that's what she wanted and didn't come back home. I have got a lawyer and am considering starting proceedings tomorrow, even though it's hurting my heart so deeply. It's not what I want, b


M(55), W(45)
BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21)
Divorce Filed (16 July '21)
---
When you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, you need to trust it's there.
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Hey there,

glad you found us.

I know someone is going to ask, but can you list you and your W's ages and time together, kids or not, etc.

Nice sigline.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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smilie Offline OP
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Hello,

Well the wife is 45 in August and I am 55, so there's 10 years between us which has never really been a problem, that I've noticed. We don't have any kids, which is a bit of an emotional subject, but happy to discuss.

We have been together since 2002, so that's 19 years and have been married for 11. We have known each other for 21 years in all, but it wasn't until 2001 that we started to get to know each other really well.

She had an affair with me prior to leaving her boyfriend and left him in the same manner as she's left me now and 10 years previously (2011).

So that's a very brief history.


M(55), W(45)
BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21)
Divorce Filed (16 July '21)
---
When you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, you need to trust it's there.
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Originally Posted by smilie
"Overrn" mentioned these forums to me and suggested I post here.

I don't know where to start. 10 Years ago, just one year after marriage, my wife left. She went back and forth for a total of 9 months before she came home for good and wanted counselling. During that time I read and eventually adhered to as best I could "The Divorce Remedy". She promised there was no OM.

4 weeks ago tomorrow without any warning and living as we have for the past 10 years she went again, wanting space. Lying she was going to stay with her sister and that she had booked a hotel instead. Two days later I received a text message saying that she is not coming home as she has feelings for somebody else. Since then she had admitted adultery and said she wants a divorce. However 10 days after she said that her lawyer would be sending me something, nothing has happened.

Initially I wanted answers and needed contact as she had information I needed. I no longer contact her and all communication from her lawyer needs to go direct to mine.

She has stolen money from the saving account just after leaving.

Is there any hope for resolution seeing as this is the second time around? Bearing in mind we were good for 10 years and I thought there was no issue.

Background: 10 years ago I was out of work due to losing my job and the recession. It took me 1.5 years to get a suitable position. Now, this time, I have not been able to work due to ill health for 7 years. She says it's not because of that and she doesn't know what it is.

Thanks.


smilie, welcome to the forum and I am so sorry to hear you are going through this. Your post struck a definite cord with me because I can relate to it a lot. I had my first sitch with my W in in an EA in 2005. And then 12 years later it happened again in 2017.

Now there were a lot of reasons for that relapse, most of them on my end. I allowed the dynamics that led to the first sitch to return to my MR in the 12 year period between them. I changed temporarily to "fix" things in 2005, and a few years later became the same old man again instead of cementing the changes I needed to make. I am not saying the same thing happened in your MR, but we do see that happen where the LBS panics, makes promises, changes, etc. And then when the crisis appears averted, resorts back to the position of comfort that they were in previously. A lot of human nature involved here as we are a lot like water as humans, we always look for the path of least resistance.

I am not going to lie, your situation sounds fairly advanced. We get a lot of sitches here where the BD just happened, but the WAS is still in the house. I am not saying there is no hope for reconciliation (I think you meant that instaed of resolution, your sitch will be resolved, one way or another).

smilie, you have a leg up on a lot of LBSs as you've read DR and been through this before. So you should already know what you should be doing. That you need to back off and give the WAS space. That you need to focus on yourself. That you need to prepare yourself for either eventuality (that she comes back or she doesn't). I am assuming that since you are looking for a "resolution" that you are open to her coming back? (I ask because for some LBSs a PA is a dealbreaker and the LBS is not interested in reconciliation after a PA has occurred.)

smilie, if I can get a tad personal, I feel like maybe there are some self-esteem issues involved on your end? You mention your job state 10 years ago, and then you mention your health now. I hope you aren't blaming yourself for that. When LBSs start to take too much blame for things outside of their control, I like to remind them of the vows their WAS committed to on their wedding day. Things like: For better or worse (job situations), in sickness and in health (illnesses), forsaking all others til death do us part.

What I notice a lot (happened with some very close friends of my W's and mine years ago) is that the WAS uses the hard times as an excuse for stepping outside of the marriage. It isn't that the affair happened because of job situations or illness, but those things are used as an excuse for the affair after the fact. Your WAW is saying that isn't the case, and that she doesn't know why. So at least she isn't falling into that trap. But out of everything she is saying, she doesn't know why is probably the closest thing to the truth you will get from her right now! Waywards often do not know why they are doing what they are doing, they do it because it is what their feeligns are driving them to do.

As ovr said, if you can provide more details to your sitch, that might help, but in general you need to fall back to the DB principles you learned 10 years ago.


M(52), W(53),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
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Also, here is a link to Cadet's usual welcome post:

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2854488#Post2854488

Lots of great reading in that!


M(52), W(53),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Joined: Nov 2009
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Originally Posted by SteveLW
Also, here is a link to Cadet's usual welcome post:

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2854488#Post2854488

Lots of great reading in that!

Thanks Steve


Me-67, D35,S34
Joined: Feb 2018
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Originally Posted by smilie
Hello,

Well the wife is 45 in August and I am 55, so there's 10 years between us which has never really been a problem, that I've noticed. We don't have any kids, which is a bit of an emotional subject, but happy to discuss.

We have been together since 2002, so that's 19 years and have been married for 11. We have known each other for 21 years in all, but it wasn't until 2001 that we started to get to know each other really well.

She had an affair with me prior to leaving her boyfriend and left him in the same manner as she's left me now and 10 years previously (2011).

So that's a very brief history.


Cadet must have approved this post (you are probably on moderation for now and your posts won't show up right away) after I responded.

Thanks for this additional information. Do you think she may have had an affair 10 years ago as well? What does your gut tell you?

I ask because occasionally we see sitches here where the WAS just has a penchant for cheating. As a TV psychologist I admire likes to say, relevant past behavior is a good predictor of future behavior. I know sometimes our love for someone blinds us to their faults, but maybe this is who she is? Just a thought.

The good news is that none of that changes what you should be doing. Which I spoke to in my first post, and that you are well versed in having read DR.


M(52), W(53),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,327
Likes: 8
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Originally Posted by SteveLW
Cadet must have approved this post (you are probably on moderation for now and your posts won't show up right away) after I responded.

There are issues in the UBB system right now,
like primarily no notifications of anything,
so it is all taking longer,
especially on the weekend when I am not checking it as much.


Me-67, D35,S34
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