Just the jumping to conclusions going on here is a bit frustrating. But i dont mind explaining to the ones that post how what THEY did in their sitch is not identical to mine. Sure based upon the emotional attachement/connection/level of trauma etc each of us needs a different approach. I came here looking to save my M, realized it shouldnt be saved. Moved on, trying to have a happy life, do things a better way this time. Make better choices and have a better understanding of where I went wrong. Thats all im trying to do here, avoid the same mistakes/ do better.
T:11 M:10 K: D5, S7 BD: 9/1/20 WW continues to break up and recon with OM. I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021 Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21. Glad my D was not busted.
Thats all im trying to do here, avoid the same mistakes/ do better.
Yup.
Even in my current relationship, I have to do lots of self reflecting. After thinking about each posters issues, makes it easier for me to apply things to my relationship.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Just the jumping to conclusions going on here is a bit frustrating. But i dont mind explaining to the ones that post how what THEY did in their sitch is not identical to mine. Sure based upon the emotional attachement/connection/level of trauma etc each of us needs a different approach. I came here looking to save my M, realized it shouldnt be saved. Moved on, trying to have a happy life, do things a better way this time. Make better choices and have a better understanding of where I went wrong. Thats all im trying to do here, avoid the same mistakes/ do better.
This is what I want for you too, Steve. However, I do not think you're going about it the right way. But it's your life.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I understand and I don’t get upset, I put my situation here to keep myself grounded. To hear the 2x4’s. Once I got infatuated and looked past every single red flag.. for 10 years. I was so conditioned to be disrespected and manipulated I didn’t even know better. I don’t want that ever again. Nobody but god determines my value as a man. Not my marriage my friends or my income. I don’t regret for one minute the effort I put into my M and the lengths I went to trying to save it. I only regret that I allowed myself to feel so poorly of myself for so long over a girl.
I absolutely get that things seem to good to be true and usually they are. I get it, end of the day I’m a combat vet and a psych nurse. I get reality. Especially after what happened with my M and how bad I got. This girl I have now in my life is free to leave anytime, I’ve told her this. I do not need her, I am good on my own now, and I like it that way for now. But she adds a little bit of goodness to my life. A friend, a partner to do things with, someone to lean on and also to be there for, and someone I look up to as far as our faith Goes. She is a beautiful girl too but I knew I liked her before I ever saw a photo. Her personality and who she is on the inside is why. Hopefully she doesn’t blow it. But if she does there is 11 billion people in this world (roughly) more than half are women. I’ll be alright.
Heading to the gym, thanks for all the feedback. I strive to shoot for what makes me happy but looking reality in the eyes too. That’s what I’m focused on right now.
T:11 M:10 K: D5, S7 BD: 9/1/20 WW continues to break up and recon with OM. I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021 Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21. Glad my D was not busted.
I do not need her, I am good on my own now, and I like it that way for now. But she adds a little bit of goodness to my life.
Steve,
You were never on your own... Never - you spent months and months trying to manipulate your Ex wife back. Virtually from the day you joined until your GF came along. You may have not been living together, you may have not been physcial, but mentally, you mind was on on thing - wife.. Remember the expensive wine ????
You monkey brached to your current girlfriend, which took your focus of the ex.. Mentally, you have always been attached to somebody.
Hence IMO you found a quick fix.
Re the children being aware. Predictable but not good. I've never pussy footed around my opinions of being a childs rock, but the fact they know soo soon is shocking.. From their perspective, they will always be wondering if you will par them off the way your Ex wife did. I know it worried my children, as they were very aware that their mothers attention was elsewhere when OM was around. I told my children that would never happen and ive stuck to it.
I recently came out of a 7 month relationship and my children were totally unaware of the lady.. clueless..
I didnt call / text her when i looked after my children and i asked her not to call / text me until i instigated ( ie when the children were asleep / gone ) She started to ask to meet my children and i just said no.. not happening..
Rational and logical people - people with their heads screwed on and who dont let emotion cloud their judgement /actions know this - The childrens happyness and mental stability should come above anything, - them knowing they wont have to share me with somebody on their time.
Previous username - Helpme123.. A name chosen at a desperate time..
Now Mr Brightside.. coming out of my cage, and doing just fine.
MrBrside, I have always mentally high fived all of your advice. But I would like to know if I could pick your brain a bit for personal reasons. Did you ever have any intention of including this woman fully in your life? After 7 months did you think it was fair to her just to be someone in the shadows and to be your girlfriend only when it was convenient for you? How do you think it made her feel after 7 months she had to Totally vanish from you in any way while your kids were around ? I understand being a rock for your kids, but should a woman after 7 months only be important when no one else is present ? She’s. Human too. She invested in you too. It’s natural to date for that long and want to get to know and be involved with the most important parts of their lives . And not to be someone in the shadows. I understand if you felt like she was never going to be the one. But do you think anyone is ever going to be the one to be a little more involved in your kids lives or even in your life while your kids are around ?
Do you think this is a healthy relationship to have with another woman ? Is it fair and healthy to her ?
MrBrside, I have always mentally high fived all of your advice. But I would like to know if I could pick your brain a bit for personal reasons. Did you ever have any intention of including this woman fully in your life? After 7 months did you think it was fair to her just to be someone in the shadows and to be your girlfriend only when it was convenient for you? How do you think it made her feel after 7 months she had to Totally vanish from you in any way while your kids were around ? I understand being a rock for your kids, but should a woman after 7 months only be important when no one else is present ? She’s. Human too. She invested in you too. It’s natural to date for that long and want to get to know and be involved with the most important parts of their lives . And not to be someone in the shadows. I understand if you felt like she was never going to be the one. But do you think anyone is ever going to be the one to be a little more involved in your kids lives or even in your life while your kids are around ?
Do you think this is a healthy relationship to have with another woman ? Is it fair and healthy to her ?
Fair point, but one i can easily answer.
When i believe ( and i know that introducing children and other factors can change this ) that this is a "for life" or long term partner.
I wouldnt have spent 7 months of my life if i didnt see her that way, but you dont know somebody after 7 months
Theres a lot of stuff out there about how you don't see the real person for at least 9 months - sometimes upto 2 years..
Well after 7 months in this situation, i was starting to see things that didnt align with my values, such as parking is disabled spaces ( i asked her to move the car and she laughed and said theres another disabled space ) , mentioing that she would drive under the influence, as long as she felt fit to drive etc. Trying to get me to change the way i dress because i dress fine for my town, but im not "trendy" enough for where she lives ( she lived 15 miles away in a very fasionable / city lifestyle place ).
These little things are / were not immediately visable ( especially as we have been in lockdown for most of 2021 ) , but are a game changer for me.. She was not prepared to change, as she sees no issue with these things.. Hence i moved on and am happy - and happier knowing i didnt make a silly mistake of introducing my children to her.
Previous username - Helpme123.. A name chosen at a desperate time..
Now Mr Brightside.. coming out of my cage, and doing just fine.
Thanks for answering, and fair enough. If she isn’t the type of person you want around your kids, she absolutely shouldn’t be introduced.
I have a daughter, been single mom for just about the entirety of her nearly 14 year old life. So I get it. But I’ve been encountering men who when there kids are present, the rest of the world does not exist. I had a boyfriend like that for a year and even when my daughter and I were in the room, we barely existed. I understand where men usually get less custody and when people don’t see their kids everyday, but do we do our kids favors when they get 100% attention all the time? My ex boyfriends kid was knocking kids off their seats and stabbing his classmates with pencils in preschool because he was so used to undivided attention, he didn’t like when he didn’t get it at school. I guess what I am saying is that there is a balance in there somewhere , and I understand it can be difficult to find and we are all trying our best
