But there are many here who want to put their personal convictions upon you. I'm not looking to single anyone out but lets say there is someone who says... never take a cheater back... YET most of us here are experiencing some form of that... then they like to draw lines in the sand... well never take a PA back... yet, then many a point can be made that often times EA's can be more damaging than PA's. So their advice is heavily handed with their own personal convictions which may not be yours.
I believe you are referring to Steve. He views EAs different to PAs. He has a right to do that. It doesn't mean they have to be your beliefs.
Of course... he is free to what he believes but post after post on many peoples thread... his constant theme was NEVER TAKE BACK A CHEATER... can't understand why anyone here would take back a cheater.
THIS^^^ is NOT in line with MWD principles AND I think the number of times it was posted ((and not just my thread)) was extremely harmful to those here looking for options/hope/direction.
For that reason his personal conviction should be put aside if he is on a board where that is NOT an outlined principle.
Sorry, this is not true. Yes, I make a distinction between an EA and PA. That is true. But I do not tell others that they should not take back a cheating spouse because I wouldn't. The only time I've said this is when the LBS stated that a PA was a deal-breaker for them and their cheating spouse knew that. You do not give up your boundaries just because it was crossed!
What I have said is that you cannot work on a MR with someone that is ACTIVELY in an affair with another person! This is the dichotomy that think you are missing. I have said to you and others that you need to be moving forward with your life because your STBX is ACTIVELY CHEATING, leaving you for the the OP, and moving in with them! You cannot save a MR like that.
Now there have been lots of sitches here (Wayfarer's is one!) where the cheating spouse came back, was remorseful, was willing to do what the LBS required, was wanting like crazy to work on the MR, and do whatever they could to help the LBS get over the betrayal, and I've never once told those LBSs not to take their spouse back. In fact, I have been active in wayfarer's thread about getting her the help she needs to move past his past infidelity!
So the statements above are not reflective of my advice on this forum. As LH said, every situation is different. new Steve's sitch is a perfect example where the general thinking on the forum was that he shouldn't be open to ever taking a 7 time cheater back! But that doesn't apply to all cheated on LBS' situations.
Last edited by SteveLW; 06/15/2107:59 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
“Love is playful and fun. Love is freedom. Love is allowing. Love is giving without expectations or attachment to any outcome. Being unattached to any outcome does not mean there is a lack of desire, it just means that you are not hijacked and controlled by your desire. You are simply okay with any and all outcomes because you have faith that eventually, the right person or the right opportunity will effortlessly manifest after consistent effort to make your desires a reality. Self-love means that you want what’s best for you and you want and will only accept those who want you also. Why? Because it is demeaning, degrading and disrespectful to yourself to try to keep those in your life who don’t want to keep you in theirs. Self-love is choosing to only spend your time where you are celebrated, cherished and welcome, instead of where you are simply tolerated.” LH19
I'm not disagreeing with you.
My personal belief is that M is a commitment above LOVE.
The following works best when perhaps you are limerant... but true love, deep love is not the feelings of butterflies or the lack of being able to go to sleep. There is a deeper level of love that is reached only by time and commitment. Marriage is not without problems or sacrifice. Marriage is not about liking or loving everything about your partner every day...
There was a very significant study done almost 2 decades ago showing married couples who were struggling in the M and considering D were much happier 5 years later and grateful they made the effort to stay together... at the moment I am unable to direct quote.
I think the biggest thing that needs to be addressed on this board is that feelings change all the time... No one person knows what another will feel next week, next year or in 5 years. Of course feelings change all the time! The person who committed to you above all others now suddenly is saying they never loved you... and over time that person may come back stating that they do love you and want only you... and then perhaps now its you who's feelings have changed to not want them anymore. Feelings change all the time.
Everyone has choices... from the person who left the marriage to person who chose to stand.
Right now my STBXH has more issues with the idea of M than issues with me. Those are his issues to work out. Mine are to keep focusing on myself and moving forward.
Where was a very significant study done almost 2 decades ago showing married couples who were struggling in the M and considering D were much happier 5 years later and grateful they made the effort to stay together... at the moment I am unable to direct quote.
Yes but your STBXH doesn't feel that way. He feels when the going gets tough you replace your problems with other problems. That's how most WS feel.
Originally Posted by KitCat
I think the biggest thing that needs to be addressed on this board is that feelings change all the time... No one person knows what another will feel next week, next year or in 5 years. Of course feelings change all the time! The person who committed to you above all others now suddenly is saying they never loved you... and over time that person may come back stating that they do love you and want only you... and then perhaps now its you who's feelings have changed to not want them anymore. Feelings change all the time.
Yes! That's why my advice is always you wish them well and go in the opposite direction. If they ever change their mind you can cross that bridge when you come to it.
Originally Posted by KitCat
Everyone has choices... from the person who left the marriage to person who chose to stand.
But this is where you lose your creditability KK. Screwing around with the pilot wasn't standing for your marriage. IMO you were using him to make your H jealous and he saw right through you.
Originally Posted by KitCat
Right now my STBXH has more issues with the idea of M than issues with me. Those are his issues to work out. Mine are to keep focusing on myself and moving forward.
Well I am pretty sure dating while married and showing up half naked at the pilots isn't in MWDs principles either.
Look KK again maybe your H is having second thoughts. Only time will tell.
That's why I jest... if I was already D I would already be in a relationship that wasn't good for me!
IDK what's going to happen in my future. I think my main goal was to slow down the D as much as possible. 16months ago there was sooooo much angry emotion. I didn't want a D under those circumstances. I didn't want to end up making a huge mistake just because somebody p*ssed you off.
I can say with certainty I'm operating under emotional neutral most of the time. When I am feeling really upset or sad I be sure to table anything I was doing until I have reached emotional neutral again. Sometimes that means writing something out here to get it off my chest.
I can also say that my STBXH is also operating more under emotional neutral.
I think you are less likely to have regret if decisions come from this place. I also feel that with more time and space he might be able to see what he is leaving behind. Maybe he doesn't, but at least I can feel confident that he isn't D out of anger or revenge. That's what is most important to me.
If I'm lucky enough to buy another 6mo I will take it... I don't see that happening... but I'm okay staying in limbo for right now. I'm staying busy.
But this is where you lose your creditability KK. Screwing around with the pilot wasn't standing for your marriage. IMO you were using him to make your H jealous and he saw right through you.
My H to this day knows NOTHING about pilot.... and I mean NOTHING. So I was NOT using pilot to make my STBXH jealous... I have never mentioned dating to my STBXH, to my stepkids, to my MIL. I NEVER post anything anywhere. My STBXH would be shocked to hear that I've not only dated... I got seriously attached... which was just limerance.
I was lonely, feeling insecure, feeling pressure from everyone that my M was over and move on/get over it mentality. I was unsure where to start, how to act, what to do... I was like a fish out of water.
I see now that even though I was not only legally separated, financially separated and physically separated... I was still married... and I was having an affair.
Not a proud moment to have realized that... but it is what it is...
Well unfortunately I have a really good memory and you were in Seattle with your step kids and you told them you were dating the pilot. Again your credibility is really low KK.
I have some significant proof... but I cannot explain here. SS21 will NEVER say anything to H about it.
H has NO idea.
I think the main reason he says nothing about OW is that he also said some time ago he did not want to know what I was doing... said it would be too painful.
