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Originally Posted by OnlyBent
So basically I am to blame for everything as she sees it and has managed to turn it around so that I have hurt her beyond repair. Its hard to take.
This will change in time. You won't give to $hits what she thinks.
Originally Posted by OnlyBent
I have real difficulty dealing with when I feel like I am being treated unfairly.
How do you think you are being treated unfairly?
Originally Posted by OnlyBent
Does she know that she is lying to herself or does she really see herself as innocent?
Right now she is lying to herself. One of the points of contention in my marriage was how my ex yelled at the kids all the time. I hated it and tried to talk to her about it. She dismissed it and took it as nothing she did was ever good enough for me. Fast forward three years later and my daughter trys talking to her about it and tells her she yells at them too much. My ex's response to my 13 year old was "that's why your father and I divorced because nothing was good enough for him". So she has her at the husband and now daughter telling her she yells too much and she still can't see that maybe it's her.
Originally Posted by OnlyBent
Anyway, fast forward to Sunday just passed and it was Father's Day in Australia, so naturally what better way to be given divorce papers for me to sign to acknowledge receipt of them before she files them.
Sorry to hear that Bent that stinks.
Originally Posted by OnlyBent
I am under no delusions that one day she will magically see all the hurt and damage she has caused, my IC says it is unlikely she will ever acknowledge it, as it would take a real "brought to her knees" type moment to reflect and change and these just seldom happen to people.
Most likely if she does it would be hard to admit.
Originally Posted by OnlyBent
So I guess its back to just trying to no try and understand something that is not understandable and take comfort in the fact that there are people out there who understand what I am feeling.
You really seem to be stuck on this Bent. I think she has told you and shown you with actions why this happened. If I can sum it up in one word "resentment". That's what most of these are about.
Originally Posted by OnlyBent
And continue having an awesome life with S5, which I must admit is amazing.
Great! Onward and upward!


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.- Will Smith
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Hey OB,

Happy belated Father's day. I just wanted to touch on a few things.

Originally Posted by OnlyBent
I replied that she seemed angry and if that was how she felt. I also explained that I never said she was a bad mother, but that she had done some things that made me question her decisions as a mother (which I stand by).
Ok you did a pretty good job validating, but you really should've stopped at "I never said you were a bad mother." Just that with no buts, no conditionals, no qualifiers. If stbxw is yelling at you telling you you said this or you said that try to remember a healthy person is going to repeat to you what they heard based on their perception, and it's still not going to be how you remembered it. People in crisis like this, especially ones who are literally looking for any reason to make you the villain in this story, will have a highly distorted perception. Keep things simple. "I never said you were a bad mother. I'm sorry you took what I said that way. I really didn't mean it that way." Just understand I'm telling you this as a peace keeping and communication tool. I'm sure she's done some real questionable sh!t. All of our exes have. But you really have to ask yourself is this the hill you want to die on? Is this really worth the fight? More often than not it's really not.

Originally Posted by OnlyBent
She responded that she wasn't angry and didn't want to make me do something that I didn't want to do. Re the the bad mother thing, she once things like that are said the damage is done. She continued by saying that she had spoken to me about the things that had upset her in the past and that I either denied ever saying them or doing them, which is just weird because she is the one that has lied compulsively about the things she has said and done. So basically I am to blame for everything as she sees it and has managed to turn it around so that I have hurt her beyond repair. Its hard to take. I have real difficulty dealing with when I feel like I am being treated unfairly. Does she know that she is lying to herself or does she really see herself as innocent?
Right now she really does see herself as innocent. My exH still thinks he's barely culpable in the demise of our MR, and he did some objectively awful things. My current H had rewritten the history of our relationship and who I was so deeply he was literally having to rectify is own cognitive dissonance when we got stuck together in lock down. We would often get in small spats because he would make some off handed remark about his version of our history or me and I would snap to correct him because I was just so over it at that point. I think they used to call them truth darts on here. We've been piecing a year now and there are gaps and half truths I'm still correcting because he had convinced himself so thoroughly that the mental gymnastics he had done to justify his behavior were our actual history. He is very sheepish when these things come up, but if you lie to yourself enough you will start to believe your own lies.

That being said, it's entirely possible she did bring up some of these thing and you brushed her off in the past. Probably when things were still pretty good in your eyes. When these WAS/WS start talking about how hurt they were by the LBS or how neglected or not taken seriously it's not really in a linear logical way. You're assuming she's talking about everything since things got bad. She's not. They never are. WAS/WS somehow transcend into the 4th dimension where time is meaningless and all of the things you've ever done wrong or made them feel slighted in any way in the last 5, 10, 20 years are all happening currently with all the not so great things you are currently saying and doing. The fact that an LBS is now being kind snippy and flippant after some really awful things were done is irrelevant to them. It's simply further proof that everything they've done and are doing is the right thing to do. She may not even see herself as innocent, but she does see herself as justified.

All of this is why we need to thoroughly inspect our faults in the marriage. Accept them. Work on them. And all the rest is confetti. Our current mental and emotional health and growth is much more pressing than trying to untangle the web of illogical reasoning that is now ending the marriage.

Originally Posted by OnlyBent
I am under no delusions that one day she will magically see all the hurt and damage she has caused, my IC says it is unlikely she will ever acknowledge it, as it would take a real "brought to her knees" type moment to reflect and change and these just seldom happen to people.
My exH still can't see it in it's full extent but did start to see how his behavior had pushed me to the point of breaking. He logically knows a lot of what he put me through was wrong. But he can rationalize himself into the victim or hero of every story. Unfortunately this is how my exH is in all of his relationships including the ones with his family and our daughter. He can see other's terrible behavior clear as day. His role in that however always remains kind of murky. He may eventually see it clearly but he always has an excuse. i.e. "Yeah I constantly accused you of sleeping with other people basically from the beginning of our relationship but after only 7 years of me doing that you really did sleep with somebody so..." That's the closest I'll ever get to him accepting his role in things and that's fine. I know my truth. Enough people have interacted with my ex to know the truth is far closer to my truth than his. And even if I didn't have that it would be fine. I know who I was. I know what I did to try to make things work. That's all the closure and confirmation I need. Seems like you're good with not having to tell the world your side of the story to feel solid in things being done. I think that's really healthy and where and LBS in your position should be.

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Originally Posted by LH19
How do you think you are being treated unfairly?

She has told nearly everyone we know that she has done nothing wrong, just wasn't happy and that I just couldn't accept her leaving. What she conveniently leaves out is all the lying, nastiness, OM stuff, etc. I don't see that as fair. It has actually ruined a few of my friendships.

Originally Posted by LH19
Right now she is lying to herself. One of the points of contention in my marriage was how my ex yelled at the kids all the time. I hated it and tried to talk to her about it. She dismissed it and took it as nothing she did was ever good enough for me. Fast forward three years later and my daughter trys talking to her about it and tells her she yells at them too much. My ex's response to my 13 year old was "that's why your father and I divorced because nothing was good enough for him". So she has her at the husband and now daughter telling her she yells too much and she still can't see that maybe it's her.

Sounds very familiar, everyone else is always in the wrong.

Originally Posted by LH19
You really seem to be stuck on this Bent. I think she has told you and shown you with actions why this happened. If I can sum it up in one word "resentment". That's what most of these are about.

I guess I am stuck on the fact that being a family meant a lot to me, as does loyalty. It clearly didn't to her, but then I need to remember that not everyone thinks the same as me. And yes I agree, resentment is the single word that encapsulates it best.


Me: 40 W:41
T: 14 M: 11
S: 5

BD & OM Jun 2020
W moves out Aug 2020

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Originally Posted by wayfarer
Ok you did a pretty good job validating, but you really should've stopped at "I never said you were a bad mother." Just that with no buts, no conditionals, no qualifiers. If stbxw is yelling at you telling you you said this or you said that try to remember a healthy person is going to repeat to you what they heard based on their perception, and it's still not going to be how you remembered it. People in crisis like this, especially ones who are literally looking for any reason to make you the villain in this story, will have a highly distorted perception. Keep things simple. "I never said you were a bad mother. I'm sorry you took what I said that way. I really didn't mean it that way." Just understand I'm telling you this as a peace keeping and communication tool. I'm sure she's done some real questionable sh!t. All of our exes have. But you really have to ask yourself is this the hill you want to die on? Is this really worth the fight? More often than not it's really not.

I understand WF, thanks. My IC thinks that she feels deep shame about a few incidents around our son and her actions, which is why she is so angry and sensitive towards the subject. She has lied a lot in the last 12 or so months, but none so blatant and ridiculous as the ones she has told to try and exonerate herself of what she did on those instances.

Originally Posted by wayfarer
Right now she really does see herself as innocent. My exH still thinks he's barely culpable in the demise of our MR, and he did some objectively awful things. My current H had rewritten the history of our relationship and who I was so deeply he was literally having to rectify is own cognitive dissonance when we got stuck together in lock down. We would often get in small spats because he would make some off handed remark about his version of our history or me and I would snap to correct him because I was just so over it at that point. I think they used to call them truth darts on here. We've been piecing a year now and there are gaps and half truths I'm still correcting because he had convinced himself so thoroughly that the mental gymnastics he had done to justify his behavior were our actual history. He is very sheepish when these things come up, but if you lie to yourself enough you will start to believe your own lies.

I feel like there was a very small window where she felt responsible and blame. She said "you think I'm a PoS, don't you". Since then though it went the other way and she's projected it on to me. How does your H react when you correct him on history? How does it make you feel when he accepts the truth?

Originally Posted by wayfarer
That being said, it's entirely possible she did bring up some of these thing and you brushed her off in the past. Probably when things were still pretty good in your eyes. When these WAS/WS start talking about how hurt they were by the LBS or how neglected or not taken seriously it's not really in a linear logical way. You're assuming she's talking about everything since things got bad. She's not. They never are. WAS/WS somehow transcend into the 4th dimension where time is meaningless and all of the things you've ever done wrong or made them feel slighted in any way in the last 5, 10, 20 years are all happening currently with all the not so great things you are currently saying and doing. The fact that an LBS is now being kind snippy and flippant after some really awful things were done is irrelevant to them. It's simply further proof that everything they've done and are doing is the right thing to do. She may not even see herself as innocent, but she does see herself as justified.

You are spot on here WF, she has used the word justified. She has also said she is angry that everyone feels sorry for me because of what has transpired since BD, but no one cares what I put her through for 14 years. Look, I am under no delusions that I was great or even good H, but I tried my best and I really did show her that I cared about her and loved her, but I did that through actions and she just couldn't see it. She needed words. Classic love language stuff. I can admit that I was busy living my own life and that she didn't feel like a priority. Maybe I'm a jerk for that, maybe she needed to work on being independent and not so reliant on another person, maybe we just not compatible in that sense. She certainly did hold things against me from 5, 10 years + against me, and no matter what I said, she would never let it go. Since BD, there has been countless memories where she has said "this is when I knew it was over".

Originally Posted by wayfarer
All of this is why we need to thoroughly inspect our faults in the marriage. Accept them. Work on them. And all the rest is confetti. Our current mental and emotional health and growth is much more pressing than trying to untangle the web of illogical reasoning that is now ending the marriage.

Agree with this wholly. I will take more then 50% responsibility of the faults in our M, not through malice, I just grew up in a way that I never learnt about successful relationships. I can even admit but perhaps STBXW and I weren't a good match. But I obviously still struggle with understanding how she could and why she felt she had to blow it up so badly.


Originally Posted by wayfarer
My exH still can't see it in it's full extent but did start to see how his behavior had pushed me to the point of breaking. He logically knows a lot of what he put me through was wrong. But he can rationalize himself into the victim or hero of every story. Unfortunately this is how my exH is in all of his relationships including the ones with his family and our daughter. He can see other's terrible behavior clear as day. His role in that however always remains kind of murky. He may eventually see it clearly but he always has an excuse. i.e. "Yeah I constantly accused you of sleeping with other people basically from the beginning of our relationship but after only 7 years of me doing that you really did sleep with somebody so..." That's the closest I'll ever get to him accepting his role in things and that's fine. I know my truth. Enough people have interacted with my ex to know the truth is far closer to my truth than his. And even if I didn't have that it would be fine. I know who I was. I know what I did to try to make things work. That's all the closure and confirmation I need. Seems like you're good with not having to tell the world your side of the story to feel solid in things being done. I think that's really healthy and where and LBS in your position should be.

Again I can understand this and it kind of echoes LH's point about his XW. STBXW looks to try and find poor behaviour from me now to try and rationalise hers. I hadn't been totally honest about something 2 years ago and she jumped all over it, likening it to hers and basically absolving herself. I suppose it is telling that all of our mutual friends (at least 10 people) have all said the same thing, "we liked STBXW but it is no surprise that she has turned this nasty either". But WF, the most important point i can take from that last paragraph is knowing who I was and that I tried my best, and I will keep that in mind going forward.


Me: 40 W:41
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S: 5

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OB, the WAS bringing up past indiscretions of the LBS as justification is typical WAS behavior. Most all of us witnessed it some degree or another. It is especially common in situations were the WAS is on record as labelling the behavior they are now engaged in as abhorrent.

I can remember early in our marriage, my wife, after we found out one of our couple friends husband had cheated on the wife, begging me to never cheat on her. Fast forward almost 20 years and she was talking as if cheating was a normal behavior of married people. It defied all logic. But as we say, the WAS and logic do not mix!


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Originally Posted by SteveLW
I can remember early in our marriage, my wife, after we found out one of our couple friends husband had cheated on the wife, begging me to never cheat on her. Fast forward almost 20 years and she was talking as if cheating was a normal behavior of married people. It defied all logic. But as we say, the WAS and logic do not mix!

This has always blown my mind. People will adjust the dial on their moral compass to justify their current transgressions.

At one point with my ex, I can remember thinking I wanted to tape record our conversations so I could play them back to her whenever she started to shift her values to align with her narrative. It was crazy making!

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Originally Posted by Thornton
This has always blown my mind. People will adjust the dial on their moral compass to justify their current transgressions.

This is a tough one to watch and why detachment is everything.


ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19

8/17-BD
IHS: 1/17-2/19
D FILED (ME): 7/19
D FINAL: 10/20
M23 T25
OW CONFIRMED: 01/21

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Originally Posted by 97Hope
From experience, people don't 'try' to be/do anything that is a priority for them.
Think about it, look at how many WAS/WS on this board who blow up entire families, careers, friendships for an OW/OM. NOTHING gets in their way. There is no confusion, there is no "try", only do.

Hope, you said this on Navarro's thread and I've been thinking about it all day. I think it has helped to stop taking too much responsibility in the demise of my M.

You see on BD, STBXW said how she had been trying to make things better for years, that she had tried everything and she was sick of trying and now she was justified in leaving. I don't deny that she probably did think she was trying, but to be honest I never noticed anything different. I felt bad nevertheless, thinking that I was just some jerk who decided to ignore my devoted wife trying to fix our M for so long. But in reality, there was no suggestion of MC, no books she read, no trips away organised, nothing like that, just two people staying in the same rut, unhappily.

With OM, there was no question of trying, she made it happen. Expensive motorcycle jacket to ride with him, lying to family and friends to be with him, giving up time with our S to be with him, spending $1,000+ on airbnbs to "entertain" him, tickets to gigs in other cities, trips away at the beach.

Feels pretty cr@ppy when you look at it through that lens, but does help me be a bit less hard on myself.


Me: 40 W:41
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Originally Posted by OnlyBent
You see on BD, STBXW said how she had been trying to make things better for years, that she had tried everything and she was sick of trying and now she was justified in leaving. I don't deny that she probably did think she was trying, but to be honest I never noticed anything different. I felt bad nevertheless, thinking that I was just some jerk who decided to ignore my devoted wife trying to fix our M for so long. But in reality, there was no suggestion of MC, no books she read, no trips away organised, nothing like that, just two people staying in the same rut, unhappily.

Heard almost the exact thing on BD myself. She had tried for 19 years. She wasn't happy a single day for 19 years (lies). My W had done Love Dare with her best friend from church (they have a ladies Bible study and her friend came up with the idea). However, after BD when she pointed out she had tried it, I a now convinced it she did it to show it wouldn't work. Another thing I discovered in my journey of DBing is that anything you do half-heartedly will never be successful! So of course it didn't work, she had embarked on a self-fulfilling prophecy. "I know this won't work, so I will prove it!"

The overall point though is that on BD the WAS will rewrite history to fit whatever narrative they need to justify what they are doing.


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Been a while since I posted, a lot of not much going on and a lot at the same time. Still in lockdown but after 4 long months it is lifting gradually from Monday.

I am doing really well. Chalk it up to time, hard work, regular IC (EMDR), GAL or just realising how good things are, who knows, probs all of the above.

I have so much to be grateful for. I love my S5 and we are so close and just have the most amazing time together, he is so loving. I have a beautiful city apartment near the beach and the water. I love my job and have never been performing better, I have lost some friends but the ones who have stuck around are the best and most loyal one could ask for, same goes for my family.

Time just seems to fly by, I’m enjoying my life and am always busy despite the restrictions (and within in them). I fill my time with S5, reading, writing, learning, exercising. I’ve never been in better shape and I’m 40 in a month.

I haven’t found the need to fill my time with dating, although it helps that I have a very attractive casual acquaintance around the corner and we catch up once a month.

I don’t think about STBXW much or OM. I don’t feel all that much anger either. My last in person interaction was on Sunday and was brief, polite and cordial. She tried with some drama a week ago about the lawyers and how she thought they were being d1cks to her. I adeptly validating her feelings of frustration and defused the situation. Those who have followed me, would have known that deep down it was obvious I’d still take her back, and they were right, but not anymore. I can truly say that I just don’t feel anything for her. Not a stranger, just the mother of a shared child.

I recognise that S5 has yet to meet OM, which following Maika, BL, Ginger, et al, I a, so grateful for but am also prepared for that sooner or later. Perhaps this will make things difficult but hopefully I will have fortified my inner citadel sufficiently by then.

Life isn’t too bad and I can truly see the light at the end of the tunnel. I now believe what I have been reading for the last year on here….that life will be great again.


Me: 40 W:41
T: 14 M: 11
S: 5

BD & OM Jun 2020
W moves out Aug 2020

"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
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