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#2919833 06/14/21 10:44 PM
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Me: 40 W:41
T: 14 M: 11
S: 5

BD & OM Jun 2020
W moves out Aug 2020

"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
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Originally Posted by LH19
Becuase you have just spent the last year dealing with your W telling you you are not good enough. Now your first date after your marriage ending a girl is reaffirming this about you. The real truth is you are not a good fit for them. It doesn't mean you are not an awesome person. 90% of women are going to not be the right fit for you. The key is to understand it and be ok with it.


Makes sense. Funny, now that I reflect properly on it, this girl was very much like my STBXW, right down to height, size, looks even.

Originally Posted by LH19
Bent I am sure she was feeling it in the moment. Feelings are fleeting. Good job not being butt hurt and sending a good reply. Next time if you are interested leave the door open and say "call me if you change your mind."


My response back to her is a result of the number one lesson that I have taken from the last year, and something that I am reminded of by your tagline constantly, only people that want to be in my life will be in it. My whole response to her said, that's a shame I thought we had good chemistry, no worries, etc. But I will use that next time. Thanks LH.


Me: 40 W:41
T: 14 M: 11
S: 5

BD & OM Jun 2020
W moves out Aug 2020

"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
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Originally Posted by SteveLW
I am not sure this is any different than the dating scene from 30 years ago. Lots of second and third dates. Lots of ghosting or getting ghosted after. It happens. At least she came right out and told you (after ghosting you for 3 days). Now you can move forward from this and not worry about it. Who knows why she flaked? Only she does. Maybe it moved too fast? Maybe it moved to slow? Maybe it moved at the right pace and she just got scared? Maybe she doesn't want to be with someone who is legally still married? Maybe she doesn't want to be with someone that is D'd with kids. Maybe she detected that you aren't completely detached from STBXW.

Point? It could be hundreds of reasons. But I would not take it personally, after two dates she could not have known you well enough for it to be personal against you. Likely she has her own baggage. Someone that is really cute at 38 and available? Usually there are other issues..............


You're right Steve, it could be any number of things but in the end it doesn't matter. This is something that was a problem for me when STBXW did all the things she did. I agonised over why, over and over, ruminated constantly. Whilst on a smaller scale, still shows it is something I need to work on. Also, you are bang on about asking why she is cute at 38 and single, I should be asking myself these questions.


Me: 40 W:41
T: 14 M: 11
S: 5

BD & OM Jun 2020
W moves out Aug 2020

"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
Joined: Oct 2020
Posts: 585
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Originally Posted by wayfarer
If you're hurt and this took a swipe at your confidence enough for you to want to throw in the towel I would say, yes absolutely take a step back from dating for a while. Lots of people have chemistry. Lots of people have interests in common. Lots of people in this world could converse with you easily. That doesn't mean every one of those people is someone you should be pursuing a relationship with. (Like LH said maybe 10%)That also doesn't mean anything is wrong with you. That also doesn't mean that dating is awful. Dating is dating.

I think people coming out of marriages forget that. Dating is the hope of finding a potential mate. It's not an immediate assumption of fidelity, exclusivity or longevity. You're getting to know someone to see if it fits. As are they. You have to accept you aren't everybody's cup of tea. You have to accept that you may very well be someone's cup of tea but she's got another cup of tea that's slightly closer to her exact cup of tea. Or and old cup of tea that was waiting in the wings until she started to move on. You will also have to accept that you will meet ladies who are not your cup of tea either. Also that a lot of people and perhaps you included are very good at ignoring the disconnects in the hopes of a physical connection.

Dating isn't for the faint of heart or weak of spirit. You need to know you, know your worth, be open minded and not be willing to settle just to not be lonely. If you aren't in that place definitely wait until you're healed and whole. The fact is you get to meet new people, be introduced to new places and things. If you do it right even if it isn't a love match you get to learn more about yourself and probably some other fun new stuff too along the way. Take your time wading into this new space and place in your life.


Great advice, much appreciated thank you WF.


Me: 40 W:41
T: 14 M: 11
S: 5

BD & OM Jun 2020
W moves out Aug 2020

"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
Joined: Oct 2020
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Originally Posted by CWarrior
Try to focus on the positives. She was attracted to you. You’re obviously not a troll.


Good point

Originally Posted by CWarrior
If it felt great and you’re just lamenting not being able to do it again, carry on.


I think this is part of it

Originally Posted by CWarrior
Unless you got emo about your ex. Then fix that!


Definitely not this C-Dub!

Thanks.


Me: 40 W:41
T: 14 M: 11
S: 5

BD & OM Jun 2020
W moves out Aug 2020

"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
Joined: Oct 2020
Posts: 585
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Originally Posted by Ready2Change
Give yourself 10 points for every positive item. Give yourself -1 for each negative. Score above 0 = more confidence.


This is a great way to look at it, I will try it thanks R2C.


Me: 40 W:41
T: 14 M: 11
S: 5

BD & OM Jun 2020
W moves out Aug 2020

"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
Joined: Jan 2019
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Originally Posted by OnlyBent
[

You're right Steve, it could be any number of things but in the end it doesn't matter. This is something that was a problem for me when STBXW did all the things she did. I agonised over why, over and over, ruminated constantly. Whilst on a smaller scale, still shows it is something I need to work on. Also, you are bang on about asking why she is cute at 38 and single, I should be asking myself these questions.


OB,

there are some great books out there.. Of course, its all subjective and nothing you read fits all women. But they do give an insight into how dating females work.

You got ghosted - its life. Its more important to have your head screwed on in terms of the ones who love bomb you to pieces or make you feel special to the point where you ignore the red flags. If your vision isnt right in this respect, spend more time single.. and always do the right things by your children.


Previous username - Helpme123.. A name chosen at a desperate time..

Now Mr Brightside.. coming out of my cage, and doing just fine.
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Originally Posted by OnlyBent
Originally Posted by SteveLW
I am not sure this is any different than the dating scene from 30 years ago. Lots of second and third dates. Lots of ghosting or getting ghosted after. It happens. At least she came right out and told you (after ghosting you for 3 days). Now you can move forward from this and not worry about it. Who knows why she flaked? Only she does. Maybe it moved too fast? Maybe it moved to slow? Maybe it moved at the right pace and she just got scared? Maybe she doesn't want to be with someone who is legally still married? Maybe she doesn't want to be with someone that is D'd with kids. Maybe she detected that you aren't completely detached from STBXW.

Point? It could be hundreds of reasons. But I would not take it personally, after two dates she could not have known you well enough for it to be personal against you. Likely she has her own baggage. Someone that is really cute at 38 and available? Usually there are other issues..............


You're right Steve, it could be any number of things but in the end it doesn't matter. This is something that was a problem for me when STBXW did all the things she did. I agonised over why, over and over, ruminated constantly. Whilst on a smaller scale, still shows it is something I need to work on. Also, you are bang on about asking why she is cute at 38 and single, I should be asking myself these questions.


You'll get there. Dating isn't like riding a bike......you DO forget how! After you've been in a committed R for a long time getting back into the dating world is like starting all over again and learning all over again. I've had several friends that went through it. One in particular that used to come to me for advice after his first wife cheated on and left him (I was still single at time). So give yourself a break here. Take it slow. You dipped your toe in the water, I agree with your assessment that you are not ready yet to jump in head first!


M(52), W(53),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
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Funny old week I had. The disappointing end of the two dates with the girl last week faded quickly, but I was fast met with another hurdle. After sending the STBXW the property settlement docs that were prepared by the L, I got an angry email in reply. She was angry because she feels like I was trying to pull one over her because the lawyer that prepared the docs was 'officially' working for me, however as we have agreed the settlement ourselves, this is merely a formality. She is disappointed I am trying to trick her even though the documents reflect exactly what has been agreed in writing. She was ready to blow the whole thing up and start again but through Ls this time, which would be a disaster, we have managed to keep costs to a minimum and it is a very fair and equitable split.

I was a bit panicked at first, but then I thought back to one of the major things I have been working on, and that is to control only what I can control. I setup a call with her I surprised myself with how calm and detached I was able to be with her. I explained the process and how the docs reflected our agreement and that one of us had to be the Respondent and Applicant regardless of this. I listened to her when she said she wasn't sure that she could trust me and why, I validated her reasoning. At no stage did I get defensive, which is probably my biggest 180. She asked if i thought she was a bad mother, I said that whilst she had done some things that made me question where S4 had been her focus at times, I chose to judge her on the person and mother I had known her to be prior to all this.

The good news is she completely calmed down, was very reasonable and dare I say it, pleasant to me. I got the feeling that she thought this politeness perhaps meant we were on the road to friendship, but this is very unlikely from my end. That's how I feel at the moment anyway. Maybe in time that will change, but there would have to be a lot of work from her. Anyway the docs are with her and she will be returning them signed to me this week and the financial side of this saga can be put to bed. One less reason to have to be in contact with her.

S4's bday is coming up too and I told her that I thought it best to do separate bday parties.


Me: 40 W:41
T: 14 M: 11
S: 5

BD & OM Jun 2020
W moves out Aug 2020

"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,068
Likes: 12
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Well done!!


M(52), W(53),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
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