Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 9 of 11 1 2 7 8 9 10 11
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
Fair enough Steve. I think the distance is a good thing and eventually this will fizzle out. It will be interesting to see what happens then.

Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 6,826
Likes: 156
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 6,826
Likes: 156
I really appreciate the responses. And thank you!

I’ve been at this for so long an important every stage of my child. She’s known 3 men. None destroyed her when we broke up. She took some good memories, but brushed it off just fine. She can tell me which guy was her favorite to this day. I have always been a very engaged mother , but I guess with nearly 75% custody, my time with her was not totally kid focus. I would take the time out to text someone if I was dating. I would respond and not be off limits. If I was actively engaged, of course I wouldn’t drop what I was doing. But I guess I learned to spread my time with her focused on her needs, house work, and me time. And I allowed for me time when she was with me because I needed it and I don’t think it makes for detriment to children if you say “please take 30 minutes for yourself while mom/dad takes 30 minutes to themselves. Whether you chose to take that time reading a book, flipping through your phone, or talking to your significant other . Hours on end? No. 30 min? Doesn’t make you a bad parent or any less engaged in their lives.
But yea, we should only allow partners in who are going to be positives on our kids lives. Absolutely. I wouldn’t have it any other way. For me, personally, now I think I could only handle a guy with kids my daughters age, or older now.

Anyways, Steve, it’s monkey branching because you were emotionally attached and trying to actively get her back the whole 8 months. Your ex may have not been in a relationship with with you, but you were emotionally attached to her the whole time. Until this woman came along. Therefore, monkey branching.
And any woman who enters the situation you are on and where you ha e been at is a red flag. I’m sorry. As a mostly emotionally healthy woman I would run from the hills from your situation. Until it was settled and you were truly settled . But you will try to convince us and we will try to convince you , and no one will budge, so you just have to do you. Just watch for those kids. Look at wolfman. He lost his daughter due to a similar situation. Tread carefully

Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 2,799
Likes: 13
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 2,799
Likes: 13
Hey Steve,

I figured I would chime in with my .02

I was once in your shoes about 14 years ago. Coming out of a painful divorce with a looney bipolar (diagnosed) ex wife. I tried for months to save my marriage, I was a mess for a long time.

Then I met her. A gorgeous woman at work. She checked all the boxes I was looking for. Christian - check. Family oriented - check. Ambitious - check. Loyal - check. Physically attractive and fit - check. Looking back, I didn't stay single long enough to process my stuff, I was still broken even though I didn't feel broken.

This woman blew my ex out of the water! We started dating and she admired the hell out of me. We got along great, we had things in common, we worked out together, amazing sex. You get the point.

We started making plans for our future. We talked about kids, a house, which churches we liked in the area. Like you, I literally thought that God himself had put this woman in my life for a reason. All the signs were there, this was God's doing.

Things were awesome for about a year (you know, the honeymoon phase right?). Then some of my old broken behaviors started popping up, and she started to show red flags as well. 3 years later, after working so hard to make things work, we split up. Again, I was devastated. Except this time it was worse, wanna know why? Because what I didnt know was that I never processed the end of my marriage, I was now mourning two broken relationships.

Let me tell you man... mourning the end of a marriage is tough for anyone. But throw another 4 year broken relationship with the woman that God had sent me on top of it, was almost unbearable.

Ive been where you are, learn from my mistake and don't have a repeat broken relationship because you never spent the time alone processing your stuff.

Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 682
Likes: 30
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 682
Likes: 30
People give you personal examples because it's a way to humanize our advice. No every one's situation isn't yours. Not every scenario makes sense. Human variable, circumstance, whatever. But it's always the same thing. 8 people say "I don't know man? Do you think that's a good idea?" 8 different ways and still like a petulant teenager you retort with "Well your life isn't my life."

You do you. You're going to do that anyway. Bull dozing headlong into life. If that's who you are so be it. Just don't ruin a friendship for your sister. And don't confuse the sh!t out of your kids. That's what I think literally every one here is asking. If you can't be mindful of your own emotional health please take care of the emotional health of others.

That's it. That's all. Be mindful and kind to others if and when your choices affect them. Own what's yours in that situation. And do better in the future. Good luck, man. I truly think you're going to need it.

Joined: Jan 2019
Posts: 343
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2019
Posts: 343
Likes: 1
Steve,

I know you don’t appreciate the things I post.. they are not meant to upset you, just my attempt to make you reflect..

When I found out about my WW and before I found this board, a close friend ( husband of 30 years cheated on her ) gave me a piece of advice..

Don’t believe what they say as they convince themselves of what suits them and then believe their own Bulls**t...

Sandie says a similar thing...

In a post on my thread, one of the vets ( guessing AS or Steve) said something along the lines of “their perception is their reality”

The point being, as a LBS you know what they are saying is incorrect, but they believe it..


Where am I going with this... ( this is where I suspect you will get annoyed)...

I upset you a few weeks back by saying you had a wayward mindset.. i meant in the context that all your actions are driven by emotion and not logic...

The first thing that came to my mind on your recent update 2 days ago was “gosh, this guy really does believe his own bulls**t...”

And like no amount of reasoning with a WW ( we gave all tried with our waywards) makes them see reality, I feel we are all doing something similar with you..

I sincerely do hope you have a positive future and prove every person here wrong.. unfortunately I don’t think you ever really handled things properly in the past.

Last edited by MrBrside; 06/18/21 06:26 PM.

Previous username - Helpme123.. A name chosen at a desperate time..

Now Mr Brightside.. coming out of my cage, and doing just fine.
Joined: Mar 2019
Posts: 511
S
Steve_ Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Mar 2019
Posts: 511
Originally Posted by Thornton
Hey Steve,

I figured I would chime in with my .02

I was once in your shoes about 14 years ago. Coming out of a painful divorce with a looney bipolar (diagnosed) ex wife. I tried for months to save my marriage, I was a mess for a long time.

Then I met her. A gorgeous woman at work. She checked all the boxes I was looking for. Christian - check. Family oriented - check. Ambitious - check. Loyal - check. Physically attractive and fit - check. Looking back, I didn't stay single long enough to process my stuff, I was still broken even though I didn't feel broken.

This woman blew my ex out of the water! We started dating and she admired the hell out of me. We got along great, we had things in common, we worked out together, amazing sex. You get the point.

We started making plans for our future. We talked about kids, a house, which churches we liked in the area. Like you, I literally thought that God himself had put this woman in my life for a reason. All the signs were there, this was God's doing.

Things were awesome for about a year (you know, the honeymoon phase right?). Then some of my old broken behaviors started popping up, and she started to show red flags as well. 3 years later, after working so hard to make things work, we split up. Again, I was devastated. Except this time it was worse, wanna know why? Because what I didnt know was that I never processed the end of my marriage, I was now mourning two broken relationships.

Let me tell you man... mourning the end of a marriage is tough for anyone. But throw another 4 year broken relationship with the woman that God had sent me on top of it, was almost unbearable.

Ive been where you are, learn from my mistake and don't have a repeat broken relationship because you never spent the time alone processing your stuff.



Out of all the responses this was the most helpful. That is a concern I have, things seems so great. She checks all the boxes, is not in the same leauge as my ex not even in the same sport, way above. This to me seems sometimes alarming. My friends, family, even the kids (what little they have heard) and the ex and even the in laws all approve of my "moving on" and so on. I am torn between just cutting it off and being alone for longer for the sake of being alone and processing the M ending, or continuing on carefully because I do see that if I can keep my emotions in check, keep on working on myself and my bad habits and so on, this girl might be a really good partner for me. (so far she is great).

I dont have trust issues with her or communication issues. I know something will come up NO relationship is perfect. I think right now im okay since she is far off and if things are gonna fizzle they can fizzle, if they are really meant to be then the distance will help prove that. So im okay with continuing on but I dont want to hurt her, myself or my kids just to be with "someone" I guess now that she is in my life and I look forward to seeing where this goes, I just want to figure out how to move forward in a way that will be the most respectful, healthy and logical way while giving her a shot. She is a great gal. I do believe god put her in my life, I am just not sure for what exactly yet.

Last edited by Steve_; 06/18/21 06:59 PM.

T:11
M:10
K: D5, S7
BD: 9/1/20
WW continues to break up and recon with OM.
I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021
Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21.
Glad my D was not busted.
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,822
Likes: 226
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,822
Likes: 226
Steve,

You keep accusing us all of making assumptions. We can only know what you tell us. It would be a pretty useless forum if every response to the LBS was "oh, tell me more since I don't want to assume". And you also have a tendency to hyper focus on the 10% the responder got wrong without acknowledging the 90% they got right.

For instance, it is impossible for you tell us anything about this OW that would erase the fact that you went from rushing out to buy your cheating wife flowers, a card, dinner, and wine on Vday, and then to less than 4 months later you have a GF. When we point out the impossibility of you being ready for a new R that quickly, you start hitting us with "because of faith" (huh??) and not wanting to be bound by XXXX statistics. Again, you gloss over the huge beam in your eye to try to pick slivers out of ours due to what you call "assumptions".

Nothing I can assume changes your actions on Vday nor the mere 14 weeks later having a GF!!

You keep making the point of "well I moved the D forward", but I'm pretty sure you were already talking to this OW before you did, or if at minimum of you're honest you'll admit you at least knew about her before you did.

Just like your lack of trying to really DB, you are doing what you want and trying to justify it after the fact. How many times did you send an update where you broke every tenet of DBing, and then tried to justify why it was okay to do what you were doing despite the chorus of responses telling you otherwise!!

So this girl might be the second coming. It doesn't change the fact that it is too soon. Too soon for you. Too soon for her. Too soon for your kids. Too soon all around.

In my 30s I met several women that would have been amazing matches for me. But the timing was wrong because I had already met and married my W. Using your logic, why should I miss out on something great just because I met them after I was married?!

I'll apologize in advance if this response is full of assumptions.

Last edited by SteveLW; 06/18/21 07:13 PM.

M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,822
Likes: 226
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,822
Likes: 226
Originally Posted by Steve_
Originally Posted by Thornton
Hey Steve,

I figured I would chime in with my .02

I was once in your shoes about 14 years ago. Coming out of a painful divorce with a looney bipolar (diagnosed) ex wife. I tried for months to save my marriage, I was a mess for a long time.

Then I met her. A gorgeous woman at work. She checked all the boxes I was looking for. Christian - check. Family oriented - check. Ambitious - check. Loyal - check. Physically attractive and fit - check. Looking back, I didn't stay single long enough to process my stuff, I was still broken even though I didn't feel broken.

This woman blew my ex out of the water! We started dating and she admired the hell out of me. We got along great, we had things in common, we worked out together, amazing sex. You get the point.

We started making plans for our future. We talked about kids, a house, which churches we liked in the area. Like you, I literally thought that God himself had put this woman in my life for a reason. All the signs were there, this was God's doing.

Things were awesome for about a year (you know, the honeymoon phase right?). Then some of my old broken behaviors started popping up, and she started to show red flags as well. 3 years later, after working so hard to make things work, we split up. Again, I was devastated. Except this time it was worse, wanna know why? Because what I didnt know was that I never processed the end of my marriage, I was now mourning two broken relationships.

Let me tell you man... mourning the end of a marriage is tough for anyone. But throw another 4 year broken relationship with the woman that God had sent me on top of it, was almost unbearable.

Ive been where you are, learn from my mistake and don't have a repeat broken relationship because you never spent the time alone processing your stuff.



Out of all the responses this was the most helpful. That is a concern I have, things seems so great. She checks all the boxes, is not in the same leauge as my ex not even in the same sport, way above. This to me seems sometimes alarming. My friends, family, even the kids (what little they have heard) and the ex and even the in laws all approve of my "moving on" and so on. I am torn between just cutting it off and being alone for longer for the sake of being alone and processing the M ending, or continuing on carefully because I do see that if I can keep my emotions in check, keep on working on myself and my bad habits and so on, this girl might be a really good partner for me. (so far she is great).

I dont have trust issues with her or communication issues. I know something will come up NO relationship is perfect. I think right now im okay since she is far off and if things are gonna fizzle they can fizzle, if they are really meant to be then the distance will help prove that. So im okay with continuing on but I dont want to hurt her, myself or my kids just to be with "someone" I guess now that she is in my life and I look forward to seeing where this goes, I just want to figure out how to move forward in a way that will be the most respectful, healthy and logical way while giving her a shot. She is a great gal. I do believe god put her in my life, I am just not sure for what exactly yet.


Please take LH up on his advice to go read Wolfman's threads. He too met the perfect girl almost immediately on giving up on his WAW. And it had caused all kinds of issues for him. His kids are older, but trust me, your kids aren't missing as much as you think.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 352
Likes: 11
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 352
Likes: 11
Originally Posted by Steve_


I am torn between just cutting it off and being alone for longer for the sake of being alone and processing the M ending


Steve, I think the reason the vets are not resonating with you is because they are overlooking the important fact that a lot of their advice is probably more applicable before you entered the new relationship. Now that you are already in the relationship and have already introduced your GF to your kids, it is a different scenario since you don't have a time machine to go redo things.

There are examples of people leaving relationships and getting into another one quickly and somehow making it work, which should give you some sense of optimism. However, in my opinion you need to do the work to properly balance the needs of your new relationship with those of your kids. You will need to enforce boundaries, not mislead your GF and continue to be a rock for your kids. Not easy to do, but other people have done it and perhaps you can too. Good luck!

Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 9,309
Likes: 283
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 9,309
Likes: 283


Hi Steve,

I have typed multiple responses to you, but deleted them.

Things just don't add up to me. I am confused and frustrated. I would like to help, but not sure how.

The bottom line is learn from other peoples mistakes, or make your own mistakes and learn from them.


Maybe even replace the word "mistakes" with choices. Everything happens for a reason. Make different choices and get different results.

Many of us got into serious relationships too soon. You can as well, or you can choose to be single. It is your choice. Our hind sight is 20x20.

Move slowly into new relationships after D. (Are you legally divorced?)


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Page 9 of 11 1 2 7 8 9 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard