ok, cool. I see what this is, go ahead and 2x4 away folks. Zero point to continue "defending myself" here. My M ended, wasnt worth saving, I tried to give it time and patience, tried to move forward gracefully. I do not want my M back, its a bad Idea, I want to move forward and be happy. To the point I spent the $700 to make sure it was done, and I dont believe in divorce, that was ethically and financially hard for me to do. A month ago I went down there and signed the waiver to avoid paying the filing fee. But everything I post is some "manipulation tactic" its not. I want to move on, this girl is not someone I would consider hurting in any way. She is a good person and a family friend I know I cannot just dissapear back to WW when she pretends to "get better" its not real. And I dont need anyone, but for now this girl and I get along, see eye to eye and I have hid nothing from her. It is a friendship, But again think what you want, it takes a lot but once I am done I am done. And I would not use anyone to get over anything, I am not a morally empty man. I am not manipulating here, I accepted defeat and i want to be happy, I genuinely want my ex to get better and find her own happiness and I know that will not be with me, yes it hurts but it is what it is. But regardless of what I say here it will just be seen otherwise. No point in going on. Thanks for trying to help me do the things to bust this divorce but it did not need to be saved. I will continue to just move on day by day.
Like I said I am aware of what a rebound is, and that is not healthy, they do not last, and most people do that. If I wanted a rebound I would have done it with the 3-4 different girls at work that were willing the past 6 months. I cannot use people and i wont. Period and end of story.
Last edited by Steve_; 05/26/2107:52 PM.
T:11 M:10 K: D5, S7 BD: 9/1/20 WW continues to break up and recon with OM. I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021 Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21. Glad my D was not busted.
I am not even saying you are intentionally using this woman what I am saying is this is most likely going to end very badly. I have been around a long time and I have a knack for reading between the lines. My advice is straight and to the point in case someone wants to stop and say "maybe he's right". If you think for a second that your sitch is over and you have moved on I am afraid you are in for a rude awakening. I just hope that somehow your children are able to overcome what you guys are putting them through.
Hi Steve, you seem confused by the word "extreme". You called Ginger's view that you're not ready to date extreme, but 4 of us are on that side and you alone are on your side. Your position is on the fringe.
It's obvious you are still emotionally attached to your ex. Rather than solving your co-dependency by taking time to learn to be a whole person by yourself, you're filling the hole in your soul with another woman.
Dude, you claim to value this lady, but your actions say you don't. Imagine if you told her you needed 3-6 months alone and then pursued her as a healthy individual?
Cwarrior I can garuntee that if I said I been alone with nobody and everything final with the ex for 3-6 months, still there would be people that will tell me (thats not long enough, you need years.. etc.. the trauma is so deep.. etc etc.). Just like how my PTSD therapist expected me to have this horrible issue for all the stuff I have endured but I do not. I accepted it as part of my job and reality, I miss my friends and I regret some of the lives ive taken because it was a person after all, but what happened I cannot change and I never did anything personally to compromise my integrity.
It will take me YEARS to be absolutely okay, used to the changes and truly accept that this part of my life is over completely to where it becomes normal. I know that. But I also know my wife had been cheating and dumping me over and over for years. Which is why I am resolute here. Regardless if it doesnt work out with this girl my wife will never be a healthy option, and after all she has done to me it would be rather pathetic to return to someone with such little respect and regard for me as a man. My NGS, lack of self-esteem and toxic co-dependancy was so bad for so long I do not see fixing this ever. Yes I would love to remain a nuclear family, but I feel so much damage was done for so long a period between one another and I can face my music and learn from my mistakes, but I cannot fix a lack of morality in a 33 year old woman. She will always ne narcissitic, that will not change, and I cannot go back and un-do what I have done.
I realize you all think I am the same steve that has sat here and been torn up for ages over this. In a few small ways I am sure. But I want a relationship in my future where I dont have that NGS, that I go into it with self-respect, honestly, patiently. I will watch for red flags and adress them boldly, not tolerate any mistreatment unless I genuinely deserve it and then communicate effictively about it. I cannot help that I had repeated my mistakes for 11 years with this woman, I was so manipulated I couldnt even stand on my own feet as a man. I will not let my son see me go down like a b***h in front of his mother or return to that type of life.
The reason I am even seeing this other woman is because she is vetted by family members as a healthy person that does not get around, that has a career, that enjoys children and has a good head on her shoulders, a good family, and is an absolutely great communicator. She is not materialistic, she saved up her own money living alone to put herself through school. I am 1000% certain that as time goes on there will be some issue, nobody is perfect. But when she presented herself into my life without even looking for her and we got along effortlessly it was mirroring things that a healthy relationship is supposed to look like. No expectations, team work, laughter, things are fun and light, honesty and trust. And to me I would have been an idot to not give a woman like that a shot who was interested, especially me being 36 with two kids and her with none and just turning 31. I know there is a HIGH probability that this will not work out. A lot of relationships post-marriage or long term relationships do not. Her and I have discussed it, we have talked about what if the WW came back acting right.. like I said she is my close friend above all first, and there is nothing we do not openly discuss like adults. I would like this to work with her, but I will be absolutely fine if it does not. Either way I am moving forward, finding a better job for more money to have a better life for my kids and I. And I am never going back to the shell of a man that was so unhappy for so long again. I did not deserve that, and my kids dont deserve to see that.
And I will continue to pray that god points me in the direction I need to be and follow that path. I will be okay no matter what.
Last edited by Steve_; 05/26/2108:53 PM.
T:11 M:10 K: D5, S7 BD: 9/1/20 WW continues to break up and recon with OM. I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021 Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21. Glad my D was not busted.
I know it feels like we are hammering away at you, Steve.
I have been in your exact same situation before and defended myself as well. I was 100% convinced this new woman was perfect and I paid the price for it when things ended.
Broken attracts broken, it just does. It's uncanny how it happens and its a subconscious thing that we aren't even aware is happening.
Because this woman is attracted to you, tells me she has some underlying issues. Not because you are a bad guy, but because she knows your story and remains attracted to you.
Think of it this way. A healthy woman would see your situation and think to herself "this man is nowhere near ready to date. He's been through the ringer with his ex for years, I think I'll hold off from seeing him until he has had some time to process the end of his marriage and his codependency". And no, 8 months is not enough time to process the end of a 10 year long narc/codependent marriage.
Again, I know you will do what you will so my best advice is to go super slow motion with this girl.
Steve_, not sure why you feel the need to defend yourself or that you feel that getting approval here is necessary. In my sitch, I got 2x4'd for buying a new house when we were only a month into piecing. It was my life, my decision, but appreciated everyone perspective even if most of it was "are you crazy?!?"
So you do you. When you update here, people's opinions here are just that, their opinions. Take them for what they are worth, then go do what you want. People here call it like they see it. They are right way more often than they are wrong, but you still get to do what you want.
tl;Dr:
Steve_ gets to choose what he wants. Posters here get to tell him he's crazy for it.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I do not agree with some of the things posted here. But I know had I stuck to the advice when I first came I would be wayyyy better off than I am not and a lot farther along. But it is what it is. I had to go through my journey. I do understand broken attracts broken, I get that 100%. I know I am not okay, and there will be times seeing my ex gets to me. But I will bat down that mirage of whatever it is quick through reality, history and prayer. I’m not turning back. And sure sometimes I would want to, but she isn’t even offering and again, I know it would not be ever what I could have with someone better. I would be settling and nobody should ever settle. People come into our lives as blessings or lessons and my ex was a lesson, a really hard hitting one.
I will take things with this gal very very slow. It’s good that I won’t see her more than a couple days a month. She is invested in school for 2 years down there she just started. I need to get my next better job and really get myself into a better living Sitch that I am comfortable with. Sure it’s [censored] to have a long distance R but I think it’s actually a blessing because most of what we have is communication and time. And if I end up making it with this girl it will be in the most healthy way. There will be no way to jump-start anything here. I will not move away and she will not chance her life plan. We agreed on that before the second date. We both know we got work to do, and to be responsible and healthy we will take our time, do what makes one another happy, discuss anything that doesn’t and be realistic about our expectations here. Personally for me I have none of her. I cannot have any of anyone or I will be doomed to repeat NGS over again. And I won’t. I will be extremely cautious. But for what I have seen thus far everything is good. We will see if anything changes.
T:11 M:10 K: D5, S7 BD: 9/1/20 WW continues to break up and recon with OM. I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021 Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21. Glad my D was not busted.
Cwarrior I can garuntee that if I said I been alone with nobody and everything final with the ex for 3-6 months, still there would be people that will tell me (thats not long enough, you need years.. etc.. the trauma is so deep.. etc etc.). Just like how my PTSD therapist expected me to have this horrible issue for all the stuff I have endured but I do not. I accepted it as part of my job and reality, I miss my friends and I regret some of the lives ive taken because it was a person after all, but what happened I cannot change and I never did anything personally to compromise my integrity.
Steve, check your assumptions. I paused dating for 4-5 months, and the board was highly supportive when I resumed dating. Several of us supported another poster dating. It's often obvious when you're over an ex and moving away from co-dependence. In my 16 posts, I made two mentions of my ex, and that's not because I hide when I'm thinking about her. She just isn't very relevant anymore.
Originally Posted by Steve_
I would have been an idot to not give a woman like that a shot who was interested, especially me being 36 with two kids and her with none and just turning 31.
I see a scarcity mindset in you, the same one that believed your XW was such a catch she could win any man. I'm 40s with 2 kids and I just dated a 33 y/o with no kids. What of it? It's not that unusual.
I made that assumption based on advice I already got on this board. I’ve been told I am so bad it will take me YEARS to date healthily. That was in a thread awhile back. I’m sure someone will drop in to reinforce it.
T:11 M:10 K: D5, S7 BD: 9/1/20 WW continues to break up and recon with OM. I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021 Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21. Glad my D was not busted.
I made that assumption based on advice I already got on this board. I’ve been told I am so bad it will take me YEARS to date healthily. That was in a thread awhile back. I’m sure someone will drop in to reinforce it.
It could take months, it could take years. That's up to you and how seriously you take your issues and how hard you work to change them (e.g., working through self-help books, seeking licensed therapists).
