I do not have regret, and I am so thankful to god and to many of you for that. I felt like I really did a good job hanging in there for a long enough time, really giving it my best shot before taking a knee and I knew I needed to do that before moving forward. Especially so if the ex decides to try some attempt to recon later, I can feel good about the 1,000 chances shes blown and keep moving forward knowing she had her shot and no looking back on coulda, woulda, shoulda.
Steve_, I am glad you can look back without regrets. I think you could have done that weeks, maybe even months ago. But it isn't my sitch, it is yours. However, I think there is a 180 opportunity in the future, that from now on you will be self respecting enough to not tolerate such a long period of disrespect, and stand for YOURSELF sooner and pull the plug. Right now you have a tendency to grab on due to your codependent nature, and not let go, even when you should. Let your self-respect outweigh your fear of losing what you have.
Just an observation. I fear that if she came back and made promises right now you would take her back. I hope I am wrong, but I fear that you would run back IF she said the right things. That is why I say you've come a long way but still have a long way to go. I think you try to convince yourself that YOU are moving on, when really she has given you no choice.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Reading your WW's comments to you reminds me of my own WW. There is absolutely no moral compass at all. Ruled by emotion and emotions steer the action. No remorse.
Your WW knows what she is doing is wrong - but doesn't care. I mean really doesn't care - it's as if some force is driving her to not really ponder over what she has done to you and her children.
To answer your question LH, I remain friends for the sake of my children, and because as a Christian I have to try to go to sleep without hate in my heart, I also have to realize that yes she was absolutely horrid to me and continues to be morally corrupt, but I must set the example for my children and give her some grace as the mother of my kids, but I say friendship loosely, if she becomes disrespectful or anything I instantly disengage/hang-up etc.
About a week ago she admitted to going back to OM she left me for, told me it was "my fault" since I had "gave up" and paid the filing fee at the beginning of May. I just laughed at that. And explained how I patiently waited for 8 months.. She said "you just wanted to rush things" I told her no, and its okay, I accepted it all, im alright where I am now.
She seemed to be angry after hearing that I had been seeing a different woman, she acted very happy for me and then the tune changed to "wow, you really downgraded" and some other nonsense, she took it upon herself to inform my children. Which they were totally fine with and happy about but I was far far far from ready to tell the kids I had seen another lady. It will be a loooooong time before this girl meets my kids if ever. She has a long process to go through with me first and I am in no rush to get into a serious R any time soon. I know The ex did it to punish me since the children and her family figured out she was back staying overnight with OM she left me for again. (she cannot be alone, she is a monkey brancher, there is no future in that R with him but whatever, she is sick right now and spinning). It seems she got a hold of social media on her mothers account and seen a snap chat of me out hiking with the girl I'd been talking to. Not her face or anything just trees but her voice was in it making a joke. Then she somehow did this female investigation and found out who she was. Its rediculous really...
I just maintained a positive attitude and told her I want her to be happy as well. Yesterday she came to pick up the children, she was 4 hours late. I asked her why, and told her its too late for them on a school night. She told me well you can watch them "you are still my husband legally, I didnt pay the last $700, so its not been finalized yet" I responded with a smile, and said, actually I called earlier asked about the case, was told there was a balance and i paid it. its all done. (I showed her the recipt, I knew she had the money she was bragging about her stocks going up 2k) it was a manipluation tool and it cost me more than I had, but I want to be free of that. She looked very disturbed. Then asked me if my friend was coming up this weekend and thats why I wont be having the kids. I told her Im going up hiking for memorial day, and that I do not ask her whereabouts on her days off. She looked upset. I told her "listen, I know its hard, now its real to youl, but for me It was a long time ago, I had to process all the stuff you are going through now, I told her it would be okay, and I told her I would be here for the kids for sure no matter what".
Other than that I applied for 4 new state jobs to increase my monthly income by 3,000 ish. Hopefully I land one, I feel like I will. Things are looking up and I dont feel anything towards the WW, I see how sick she is and It makes me sad but other than that I do miss the potential R once in awhile, but I know its fantasy that will never happen, and I move on.
Last edited by Steve_; 05/26/2106:51 PM.
T:11 M:10 K: D5, S7 BD: 9/1/20 WW continues to break up and recon with OM. I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021 Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21. Glad my D was not busted.
She needs therapy, and reality badly. But by the time she got healthy enough for an R it will be no less than probably another year or two. And I already lost 11 on her.. No thanks.
T:11 M:10 K: D5, S7 BD: 9/1/20 WW continues to break up and recon with OM. I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021 Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21. Glad my D was not busted.
And there is a fine balance between friends and civility. You could sleep at night without having a friendship with someone who isn’t capable of friendship. It’s not a Christian thing. It’s you still you either need to have her know enough to want her to come back, or you have to make her think you moved on so she wants what she can’t have.
You are monkey branching too by the way. You seem to not be able to be alone either
I was alone for 8 months before I even went on a date ginger. But I know there are extremists here that feel i need to be single for years, and date multiple women casually to "find out what i want" but im 36, I know what I want and dont want.
I was not looking for this girl, I did not go on dating apps, bars, clubs, anything. I did go out with girls a couple times from work, who shot thier shots at me but I wasn't feeling it. Was'nt ready and they had a messy kinda life, or were just wild looking for a good time on my dime. Believe it or not, I am not a moron, just was an NGS doormat for the ex for far too long. This is not some game to get her back.
The worst mistake I could ever make is taking her back... I came to terms with that well before I even entertained the idea of even having dinner with another woman. I want to be happy with someone dependable and loyal. And that is not WW. But of course I read and regard all opinons. I just wanted to point out that I didnt go out looking for a replacement or a woman to mess with like 90% of the modern world does. I took my time and made peace with this all first. And again she sort of fell into my life as friends just chatting. Never intended anything more.
Last edited by Steve_; 05/26/2107:08 PM.
T:11 M:10 K: D5, S7 BD: 9/1/20 WW continues to break up and recon with OM. I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021 Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21. Glad my D was not busted.
No extremists here. She was in and out of the picture for 8 months, you have been completely a bd fully attached for 8 months. You never stopped, And took some time for yourself in a state of not being attached to her. There is nothing extreme about what I’m saying. You have 2 kids who need you to focus on them and your own healing because you are still manipulative just like she is and still very attached.
You’ll do what you want, but it 10/10 times it hasn’t worked for anyone in these boards, and you better hope you don’t end up with another baby on board like wolfman did.
Yeah no baby gonna happen, I am not that stupid believe it or not. And I know what a rebound is and is not. I feel at this point no matter what I say it will be 2x4'd. WW was never in my picture, she never came back, never attempted it, still wont. I live totally alone with my kids this entire time. I just had a hard time accepting more of what I already knew. But I Gotcha, I will be extremely careful and again this girl is like 4 hours away living wise so thats why im okay with it, It has to be done slowly to be healthy.
She has to focus on her school, this will take at least 13 months of her being down there, I need to get a better job and find more income. There is no moving in, no being together more than a couple days a month, thats the pace i need right now so its good for me and for her, There is no rush here and we have a good friendship primarily. But assume what you will.
Last edited by Steve_; 05/26/2107:16 PM.
T:11 M:10 K: D5, S7 BD: 9/1/20 WW continues to break up and recon with OM. I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021 Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21. Glad my D was not busted.
About a week ago she admitted to going back to OM she left me for, told me it was "my fault" since I had "gave up" and paid the filing fee at the beginning of May. I just laughed at that. And explained how I patiently waited for 8 months.. She said "you just wanted to rush things" I told her no, and its okay, I accepted it all, im alright where I am now.
Steve you really need to learn to just say "I understand you feel that way" You are trying logic and reason to manipulate her back.
Originally Posted by Steve_
She seemed to be angry after hearing that I had been seeing a different woman, she acted very happy for me and then the tune changed to "wow, you really downgraded" and some other nonsense, she took it upon herself to inform my children.
Interesting it has been 3 years and my ex has never heard from me who I am dating. You are d for a week and you tell your ex to make her jealous. Then you guys include the kids because you are both toxic people.
Originally Posted by Steve_
There is no future in that R with him but whatever, she is sick right now and spinning).
Speculation. They could get married tomorrow.
Originally Posted by Steve_
I just maintained a positive attitude and told her I want her to be happy as well.
Do you really Steve?
Originally Posted by Steve_
Yesterday she came to pick up the children, she was 4 hours late. I asked her why, and told her its too late for them on a school night.
Why would you ask her why she's late?
Originally Posted by Steve_
She told me well you can watch them "you are still my husband legally.
huh?
Originally Posted by Steve_
I didn't pay the last $700, so its not been finalized yet" I responded with a smile, and said, actually I called earlier asked about the case, was told there was a balance and i paid it. its all done. (I showed her the receipt, I knew she had the money she was bragging about her stocks going up 2k) it was a manipulation tool and it cost me more than I had, but I want to be free of that.
Steve just to be clear you try to manipulate each other
Originally Posted by Steve_
She looked very disturbed.
Speculation. You have no idea how she felt.
Originally Posted by Steve_
Then asked me if my friend was coming up this weekend and that's why I wont be having the kids. I told her Im going up hiking for memorial day, and that I do not ask her whereabouts on her days off.
No comment with a smirk.
Originally Posted by Steve_
She looked upset.
Speculation. You have no idea how she felt.
Originally Posted by Steve_
I told her "listen, I know its hard, now its real to you, but for me It was a long time ago, I had to process all the stuff you are going through now, I told her it would be okay, and I told her I would be here for the kids for sure no matter what".
Manipulation
Originally Posted by Steve_
Other than that I applied for 4 new state jobs to increase my monthly income by 3,000 ish. Hopefully I land one, I feel like I will. Things are looking up and I don't feel anything towards the WW, I see how sick she is and It makes me sad but other than that I do miss the potential R once in awhile, but I know its fantasy that will never happen, and I move on.
Steve you are not even close to moving on and you are going to take down this other woman in the process.
I agree with Ginger but I also know most people get that huge sense of relief after being in pain for months when a new person expresses interest. The brain chemicals and endorphins trick us in to believing this person was an angel sent from God and that they are an ideal partner. The honeymoon stage is very addictive.
While I don't agree you are anywhere near ready to date, I also know you have convinced yourself that you are ready and will act accordingly.
That being said, be very careful Steve. Go super slow and keep your attachment (you are a codependent btw) to a minimum. If this relationship does not work out as planned, all that pain that you experienced with your WW leaving will come rushing back 10 fold.
Also, do not stop going to therapy and working on yourself. You are as broken as your WW is and need therapy to work through your core issues. This will only serve to help your relationship with the new girl if you keep Steve and your healing as priority #1.
Tread carefully man. We've seen this a million times here, and 99% of the time it doesn't end well.
