Nice visit with all three of my boys today. We had brunch at my middle son’s apartment.
Sadly, at one point they were all talking about how estranged they feel from their father, and how they admire me for never badmouthing him and trying to put a positive spin on things. (Not something my ex did, apparently).
Was just doing a little cleaning up of my inbox and started back with some very old emails - which include ones from before and during the time of my divorce. Oh my - the gaslighting was some expert level stuff. "Oh poor me, it makes me feel so bad having to divorce (my loving and devoted wife of 24 years)" (paraphrasing of course) "Oh, of COURSE I'm not seeing anyone else, I just can't make you happy so I have to leave" (um, I was perfectly happy except when he was cheating!!! Funny how he immediately started dating one of the women I'd had suspicions about quite some time previously. )
"I hope you had a great time on your weekend" (this, from a few months after he had filed, when I went away, unbeknownst to him, to spend the weekend with a new guy I'd met - who turned out to be FANTASTIC in bed, smart and sweet, and is still my good friend today. I know exH was dying of curiosity but I told him nothing. ) "I'm just enjoying being alone" (Ha! From the extrovert who felt a 20 minute commute to work was too much alone time. Pretty sure he had started dating his current wife by the time this was written.) "I DON'T have depression, I'm just sad about divorcing" (at his instigation).
Honestly - if an outsider read them, they would think "What a nice guy!". I'm glad I kept them - they just remind me what a chump I was, and what a smooth gaslighter he is. I'm sure he tells others about how sad he is his children have abandoned him - even though it's THEM that feel abandoned by him!
An article in NYT Modern Love section about a guy using a point system to screen/evaluate his dates. I did think the questions he asked himself were quite good:
"Before the first date, I try to determine the following: Does he make me laugh via text? Does he live in L.A.? Does he like his job? Is he down to go backpacking? Will he get on the phone? After the first date, I ask myself: Does he like himself? Is he curious? Is he kind?"
And, at the end of the article, he adds "Does he like me?".
KML... Classic gas lighter. Turns things around so him deciding to leave was somehow your fault and it is only because he cared about you that he left. XH did that to me. Presented things in such a way that he leaves you (assuming you have any self worth whatsoever) no choice but to say “you should go”. Forever after the story is... “but you told me to leave.” So glad neither of us are living that life anymore. (((HUGS)))
