My Story P2...Acceptance of the MLC Madness

[DnJ]

Good Morning Eagle

Good for you realizing a divorce is just that, a divorce. You, your feelings, and such alter based upon internal shifts not some legal documentation.

At the moment you are financially stable and secure; H even prepaid an entire year of child support. And H is covering half of the house and household costs.

It appears you have found balance with this situation for the present time. And I suspect you and the boys want to remain in the home.

You can definitely suspend the sale of the house. You are the one driving that, more than H.

I have decided for myself not to continue with the sale of the house for the time being, although this is if the boundaries I have set for myself towards him are not exceeded and these are no OW or disrespectful behavior towards the children or towards me.

Do uncouple these two. Not selling because H is not breaking boundaries.

Remain in the house because you want too. Because it makes good financial sense. Because is less disrupts the boys lives. And so on.

A boundary for no OW. A boundary for respectful interaction. These enforcements need not be sale of the home. Should not be sale of the home.

If there is a OW, no loving. No coming over. Stay elsewhere.

It would be disrespectful for H to have an affair partner and also play house. You place a boundary on that; which doesn’t necessitate selling the house.

That specific OW boundary is of the larger and general disrespectful behaviour boundary. Again, with appropriate actions and results that are within your control. If you are disrespectful to me, I will leave the room.

That being said. I agree do not sell the house right now. Suspend the sale of it, and the pursuit of sale.

However, things may not remain static. In fact, things won’t. Hopefully things get better. Hope for the best, and be prepared for the worst.

Consider if you talk to H about the sale. You want the document signed and plan to not sell at this time. That way, if things change you can continue and proceed. Now, that signed document probably means H could sell the house as well; kind of against your wishes. It’s a double edged sword.

You have spoken with H, cuddled, spend time together, and believe he is making progress. It is ok to suspend the house sale. It is ok to not have a signed document. There is risk in everything in life.

Keep the business side business. You do not need to sell the house right now.

The emotional side. The healing side. Patience bring answers.

Talk to H. See what he feels he wants. Let him lead a bit. Depending on how he is and what he says propels the conversation somewhat. However, let’s pretend he would like to not sell the house. Wants to keep sorting himself out. I think you are ok with that. So, tell him that. Follow your values and let him know you are there for him - by not selling the house for reasons other than business.

In a way, this is positive reinforcement to H. He is making good progress and therefore good things happen.

In the end, you only control you. It’s your influence you are considering. How we walk the path matters. Which way do want to guide your clear clean waters? You are becoming more than the leaf; realize you are the stream.

D

[Eagle3]

It appears you have found balance with this situation for the present time. And I suspect you and the boys want to remain in the home.D

Yes, I have finally found my balance, and indeed, I would like to remain in the house. The most important thing for the children is that where they are, I am too, where we live matters less to them.

Do uncouple these two. Not selling because H is not breaking boundaries. Remain in the house because you want too. Because it makes good financial sense. Because is less disrupts the boys lives.D

I can only agree with this and thank you for making this clear.
Indeed, I stay in the house because I want to, because it is more financially interesting for me and because the children have everything they need. Close to their school, their hobbies and their friends. And simply because we really like living here.
If he chooses to go back deep into the tunnel again and exhibits behavior that is not acceptable, he cannot come here in the house. That would be a good boundary.

However, things may not remain static. In fact, things won’t. Hopefully things get better. Hope for the best, and be prepared for the worst.D

I am very aware of this. After all, I also experienced it when he showed positive signs last year and then crawled back deep into the tunnel.
I don't know what it will do to me if this happens again, we'll see when the time comes.

Talk to H. See what he feels he wants. Let him lead a bit. Depending on how he is and what he says propels the conversation somewhat. However, let’s pretend he would like to not sell the house. Wants to keep sorting himself out. I think you are ok with that. So, tell him that. Follow your values and let him know you are there for him - by not selling the house for reasons other than business.D

Yesterday, just before he left, I helped him make his suitcase.
I then took the opportunity to ask him what he thought of his time here with the children the past week. He said he was slowly starting to feel a connection with them at times, but it's still very difficult. Especially talking is very difficult for him and he can't yet. I validated his feelings and said he did the utmost to give them a pleasant time. (and he sincerely did, certainly in regards to shared activities)
I also started talking about the house. Not in function of our M of course, but simply confirmed that if he likes this, we can wait with the sale of the house until he has more clarity which direction he wants to go. If he prefers to come back to this country, that there is still the possibility to buy the house. That this would be good for the kids.
He couldn't put out much but said: "Ok, but I'm not sure if I'll be able to buy it".
I answered him that this is a problem for later and that we will deal with it at the time.

I am amazed at the fact that I am no longer afraid to ask or say things to him. A few months ago I was nervous all day if I had to ask something and I usually didn't do it.

So you see how a person can evolve.

Back to “the normal life”. Tonight off to the beach bar with friends, On Friday Girls Night, Saturday walk with very good friend and on Sunday BBQ time with a couple I haven’t seen in ages.

Will be tired when going back to work on Monday.

[DnJ]

Good Morning Eagle

He said he was slowly starting to feel a connection with them at times, but it's still very difficult. Especially talking is very difficult for him and he can't yet.

The descent into crisis is mostly hidden from the world. Their time from trigger event(s) to bomb drop is usually somewhere between 18 to 24 months. Running takes as long as it takes.

Awakening is also a slow process. Similar to their descent it is mostly hidden from the world. Their internal awakening comes as a whisper of doubt. They feel and question their crafted fantasy reality and narrative. Diving back into the tunnel and then peaking out again as they grow stronger and more healed. This is a very precarious time for them and their psyche. Damaged, guilt-ridden, and starting to realize what they did and what they are accountable for. Growing up is hard.

Standing requires an incredible strength and patience and faith. The whole “stand for you” for thing. Which, you got going on.

I am amazed at the fact that I am no longer afraid to ask or say things to him. A few months ago I was nervous all day if I had to ask something and I usually didn't do it.

So you see how a person can evolve.

You are doing great!

It’s wonderful to see you let go of that nervousness and fear about talking to H.

Yes we all can evolve. That growth, that inner work, see how it is permanent? Pretty nice. Right?


You handled this visit well and made good decisions. Leaving the door ajar and giving space and time to H. He is moving, albeit slowly, in a positive direction. Continue moving forward and living your great life. H, when he is able and ready, will run to catch up.

D

[Eagle3]

The descent into crisis is mostly hidden from the world. Their time from trigger event(s) to bomb drop is usually somewhere between 18 to 24 months. Running takes as long as it takes.
Awakening is also a slow process. Similar to their descent it is mostly hidden from the world. Their internal awakening comes as a whisper of doubt. They feel and question their crafted fantasy reality and narrative. Diving back into the tunnel and then peaking out again as they grow stronger and more healed. This is a very precarious time for them and their psyche. Damaged, guilt-ridden, and starting to realize what they did and what they are accountable for. Growing up is hard.D

In all honesty DnJ, do you think he is still running? Since he is away to another country again all by himself, still drinking a lot (less but still enough), connecting with his father and the children a bit more but not as it should be... I guess he is still running.
Or I will formulate it differently, if they are in the stages of depression, withdrawal, acceptance, is running still present as well?

I assume you have read already so many story’s here you will be able “to compare” a bit. You can tell me the honest truth. I can handle it

I’ve also read HaWho’s , 97Hope and Babe’s story’s in big lines the last days and then I’m thinking, wow, it can completely turnaround. The patience you all have and/or had is truly incredible!

You handled this visit well and made good decisions. Leaving the door ajar and giving space and time to H. He is moving, albeit slowly, in a positive direction. Continue moving forward and living your great life. H, when he is able and ready, will run to catch up.D

I have patience and I'm giving space as needed. I live my life to the fullest, so that is all working now but I must admit that I still think of him a lot and worry quite often. I assume this is called love…
But to reach the point where you pass by their house and forget to have a peek, as you experienced last week, wow,…this would definitely not work for me yet…I guess this is called “full” detachment.
And yet, you still love your EXW, you still stand in a fantastic way.

I forgot to ask something. Can't seem to figure out why this is. On Saturday, when he was here, my FIL and BIL came over for dinner. It was then he started talking about his Mother in a really bad way. But the next day he talks about his M like nothing happened and she even brought him to the airport a few days later and they went to have dinner first, just the two of them.
So he is not mentioning anything to her. Why is that?

I would assume that when you realize the pain you are feeling all these years already is caused by that one person who should always have to be there for you, you would at least talk to them about it or ban them from your life, no?

[Gerda]

Hi, Eagle -- Lots of love from Gerda.

I think you have to go farther in HaWho's story!

And I don't think it's worth comparing or asking, as tempting as it is. The truth is that no one knows what will happen and that you always always always have to find a life you love without him. The only thing we know for sure is that you can decide to take him back if he ever turns his face back towards you for real. We don't know if he ever will or if you will still want to. The only job you have is to make a life for yourself.

My son has been working out a lot and keeps saying to me and my D12, about our own struggles to exercise and eat right, "One day....? Or Day One?"

This applies so well to my sitch, I wish I had heard about it six years ago! I could have done Day One but I spent all these years doing one day... waiting for something to happen before I started living and choosing. I did have quite a lot of shite to dig through to get my H out of the house and sell one of our businesses, etc., and I did make slow and steady progress but I was so paralyzed emotionally because I thought I had to wait for him to come back.

[DnJ]

Hello Eagle

In all honesty DnJ, do you think he is still running? Since he is away to another country again all by himself, still drinking a lot (less but still enough), connecting with his father and the children a bit more but not as it should be... I guess he is still running.
Or I will formulate it differently, if they are in the stages of depression, withdrawal, acceptance, is running still present as well?

The stages of MLC or life transition are rather nebulous. They do not have well defined boundaries or delimitations. Each can bleed into another. One is not completely done with running then off to withdrawal. No, the stages are not linear, nor in a specific order; they can be repeated, and several can be experienced simultaneously.

A bit of clarification regarding simultaneously. Like us processing our grief, different aspects get processed at different speeds. One can be accepting of one thing, be angry of something else, be depressed over another thing, and still denying yet other stuff. However, whatever one’s focus is upon is mostly the stage they are within at that moment. Then their focus shifts and so does their grief. We all know that yo-yo and backsliding until we finally get more centered and find our footing.

A MLCer while within a particular stage - is where they are at that moment. A while later they will feel differently and perhaps be more depressed or withdrawal more or run more. A crisis is much worse than grief. The person in crisis feels way to much and nothing at all. Their emotions are a tangled stalemate of pain and torment. It takes lots of time to unknot that messy web and find their way out.

So, is H still running? Yes and no.

H at times is awakening. He then gets spooked and runs. Other times he is depressed. Other times he is back in running from his emotions. Therefore, yes, running is present in those stages. Although it is more precisely jumping from one stage to another, IMHO.

Dig deep Eagle and be patient, H is making progress.

I assume you have read already so many story’s here you will be able “to compare” a bit. You can tell me the honest truth. I can handle it

I love seeing your strength. Yes you can handle it. And yes I do tell the truth.

No two people are exactly the same. There are similarities in predicted outcomes and behaviours, however MLC is quite the irrational journey and there are plenty of variables.

In truth, I believe H to be experiencing some awakening. He then retreats again. That is quite normal and expected actually. As I stated in the last post, this is a precarious time for H and his psyche and emotional state. Fate, karma, life - all play their parts in H’s journey. There is such a multitude of inputs it is impossible to know what will do what. And of course there is us. It doesn’t take too strong an imagination to see what H’s reaction would be to you or someone else berating or yelling at him. Just imagine if one were to tear a strip off him and really give it to him over his terrible behaviours. Yeah, he’d bolt in the other direction; and quick!

Precarious. And rather breakable. In complete honest. We LBS need to really be patient and not pressure. To hold our tongues and have faith that a time will come when we can asks those questions and get those answers we so seek. Funny thing is, those questions do lose there importance after a while. The need for answers kind of evaporates.

It comes down to you. To what you can control - you. Live by those values you hold dear. If you do that, no matter what happens with H, you will be ok and have far less regrets if things don’t reconcile. Stand for you!

H is finding his way. Be a beacon. For him. For yourself. For your kids. Uphold your values. Lead by example.

I have patience and I'm giving space as needed. I live my life to the fullest, so that is all working now but I must admit that I still think of him a lot and worry quite often. I assume this is called love…
But to reach the point where you pass by their house and forget to have a peek, as you experienced last week, wow,…this would definitely not work for me yet…I guess this is called “full” detachment.
And yet, you still love your EXW, you still stand in a fantastic way.

Love.

One of the incredible gifts of this incredible journey is the blessings one can have bestowed. One can really learn what it is to love.

Love, forgiveness, compassion, integrity, honour, loyalty, faith, trustworthy, and so on. Much much more than words. The depth that one finds in such tenets is truly a blessing.

I wrote a bit regarding “full” detachment on 97Hope’s thread. Detachment and indifferent are not an all the time thing. Sure one isn’t dragged around, and one can at times be rather bland towards our ex or spouse. Realize that being not caring is different than being uncaring. Indifference is not a permanent state. We find our way to let go and care at the same time. (Rather counterintuitive sounding I bet.)

I forgot to ask something. Can't seem to figure out why this is. On Saturday, when he was here, my FIL and BIL came over for dinner. It was then he started talking about his Mother in a really bad way. But the next day he talks about his M like nothing happened and she even brought him to the airport a few days later and they went to have dinner first, just the two of them.
So he is not mentioning anything to her. Why is that?

A good observation and excellent question.

Almost all people have difficulty facing or telling someone about something that that person is doing that is bothering them. Lots of people we tell others. Gossip and b!tch about the other person yet never speak to them. Ha, how is anything ever going to get better that way. Right?

H talked about his mom to FIL and BIL. They probably brought up stuff as well, I’d guess. People do acquire those who listen and reinforce their side or views.

Dig a little deeper. People know, even if it is unrealized, that when they have a problem with someone, they are also partly to blame. One feels how they feel because of themselves. No one can make anyone feel a certain way. We can barely control our own feelings never mind control someone else’s. Influence is all we can exert.

Recall me not getting selected for the supervisor position. My feelings were mine. I exacerbated things with my new boss to further my justifications; all as I processed through my change and acceptance. Lol. Change management course. Interesting to watch one’s self. Anyhow…

If H were to tell Mom, he’d need to see and accept his part. That is quite difficult for him currently. MLC and all. His talking about it with two dudes keeps himself blame-free more or less. And talking about it is healthy. It’s a step along the path.

The next day, like nothing was even said. She is his Mom. Takes a while to stand up and face the authority figure from one’s past. Even if it is just emotionally and internally. H doesn’t necessarily need to actually have it out with her.

You know how anxious and difficult speaking to her can be. And the boundaries one places.

There's something else I wanted to share with you..., something I had on my my mind for a very long time but I was to anxious to take the step, now I finally did:

I had a difficult conversation with my MIL a few weeks ago.
I already mentioned that she is the biggest cause from his past as to why he is going through this crisis now.
(both my FIL's are convinced of this as well)

kml recommended the book about sociopaths and I started reading it.
Well, I totally recognize his mother in this.

The story in short:
I knew for several months already from my BIL and SIL that she could say very ugly things about me.
She even said that it must be me as to why this is all happening with him, also that I was mainly with him for the money etc.
You need to know that I've done a lot for her over the years. She is single (2x married, 2x divorced, and treated both her husbands very badly), but I was always there to take care of her when she had an accident, ill from COVID etc, and most important, she was always welcome at my house until a few weeks ago. She even came on a weekly basis...

I would assume that when you realize the pain you are feeling all these years already is caused by that one person who should always have to be there for you, you would at least talk to them about it or ban them from your life, no?

The problem is the pain hasn’t been felt all these years. It was buried. Unfelt. Unrealized.

It is now uncovered and being felt. Those demons will no longer be denied.

Talking to his Mom. Difficult. And for the crisis person they are still figuring out what is wrong. Remember they destroyed their own life, their very identity, in an effort to run from the uncovered pain and trauma(s). We can’t expect rational actions; this path is an irrational journey.

Being Mom on top of all that. Yeah, that a tough pill to swallow. Mom, that one person that is supposed to love you and be there for you no matter what. I can speak to that from a Dad’s point of view with hurt children.

My four children were thrown away from the very woman who should have loved them more than life itself. Betrayed. Shunned. Unloved. What a horrible and terrible thing to experience. I witnessed their lives change and their once loving Mom destroy everything.

Mom would not talk about it. I suspect H’s Mom back during her two divorces similarly would not speak about it. Talking and acknowledging would necessitate owning her part of it. Most likely easier to just blame and move on. Just like my XW did to me and to my kids.

Should my kids ban her from their lives. No. That is a path that leads to regret.

True all four are at different points along the path of allowing her access to them and their life. S20 is the most closed off. And Mom isn’t very stable nor reaching out much either. So there is very little interaction for any of them

Still, banning or such. Being busy and living a full happy life is different than banning someone. Also, Mom would be welcome; XW not so much. Mom and the alien she became are two different people.

We only can control ourselves. I’ve inspired. Lead my children through h3ll. They’ve had anger, depression, bargaining, and now mostly acceptance. Understanding and compassion. Empathy. Boundaries. Values. Beliefs. Faith. Forgiveness.

All this is something that MLCers do not get. Their pain and shame and blame and guilt gets internalized and buried unreconciled and unrealized. And believe me, kids blame themselves for the actions of their Mom.

My kids thought and started to believe that they “caused” Mom to do what she did. Oh, the open honest discussion we all had. Nonjudgemental and factual. Control. Choice. Cheating. Etc. So many items to discuss.

I’ve done pretty well. All the kids are doing great. We, left behind spouse, the strong stable parent; we become better not bitter. And as such, the children do as well.

My XW had a Mom that threw her away. Her Dad was like her Mom. Both parents threw her to the side. My darling W was unfortunate to have not even one strong stable parent.

Our wisdom is hard earned. There is such pain. And in that, there is growth. Give that wisdom freely and openly. Especially to your children. I stopped MLC in this generation! (I hope and pray.)

My children have grown through all this. They are happy and have good strong morals and values. And as much as they do not condone Mom’s action and choices, they do forgive her.

So no, in my honest view the quote is incorrect. Either of those would be an unwise and unrealistic course of action. She is after all his Mom. And H is Dad to your kids.

It falls to you, the strong stable parent to lead and inspire. Consider a better message than banning or confronting Dad. Lead them to understanding, acceptance, and forgiveness.

D

[Eagle3]

Hi, Eagle -- Lots of love from Gerda.

Good to hear from you Gerda! And lots of love back.

I think you have to go farther in HaWho's story!

Yes, I did. I only wanted to confirm that every story here is so different and yet comparible, and then the outcome is sometimes so unpredictable, totally not expected. Guess this is because we all evolve, get stronger and heal.

I don't think it's worth comparing or asking, as tempting as it is. The truth is that no one knows what will happen and that you always always always have to find a life you love without him. The only thing we know for sure is that you can decide to take him back if he ever turns his face back towards you for real. We don't know if he ever will or if you will still want to. The only job you have is to make a life for yourself.

The good thing is that I have made a life for myself, which is actually a very nice life with lots of activities, surrounded by a loving family and good friends. I've also learned to embrace the situation and make the best out of it.
This seems to be a turning point for me, for our kids, but it seems to be a turning point for him as well. (at the moment)
That is the reason why I asked.
I was not interested anymore in which stage he was the past 10 months, but now I'm curious what other people think when they read my thread. But rest assured, I know it can change at any time and that is why it will not influence how I live my life. It has become way too important for me.

This applies so well to my sitch, I wish I had heard about it six years ago! I could have done Day One but I spent all these years doing one day... waiting for something to happen before I started living and choosing. I did have quite a lot of shite to dig through to get my H out of the house and sell one of our businesses, etc., and I did make slow and steady progress but I was so paralyzed emotionally because I thought I had to wait for him to come back.

I think that what you have been through already is one of the most difficult and painfull of all of what I have read here. So please do not blame yourself for this.
We are lucky to receive all this good advice and of course it is up to ourselves to apply it or not. I have chosen the latter. I read and listen to all of you very carefully, and therefore I have been able to make these positive changes and is my life on a good track again.

[Eagle3]

Dig deep Eagle and be patient, H is making progress. D

Thank you for the clarification in terms of the stages. This is very clear to me now.
Rest assured, I’m digging deep and I’m patient. This is however the only place where I simply ask everything what comes up in me. (questions about my feelings, my progress, H, the kids, family, the MLC madness, etc.)
Why, because this is the only place where I can do this, since nobody else understands what is going on. And I always get clear answers.

Precarious. And rather breakable. In complete honest. We LBS need to really be patient and not pressure. To hold our tongues and have faith that a time will come when we can asks those questions and get those answers we so seek. Funny thing is, those questions do lose there importance after a while. The need for answers kind of evaporates. D

This is completely the truth. During and after BD and during and after his affair I had so many questions, they all seem to be forgotten. I actually do not need to know this anymore.

One of the incredible gifts of this incredible journey is the blessings one can have bestowed. One can really learn what it is to love.D

I had goods friends over this weekend whom I haven’t seen a long time but who knew quite a lot of the situation. When I was updating them, the lady suddenly said, “the way you tell this, well, this is the definition of true love, you have found it”. and you know, she is right. There comes a time when you understand the meaning of true love. I wouldn’t have known this if it wasn’t for this crazy journey I have been through.

I wrote a bit regarding “full” detachment on 97Hope’s thread. Detachment and indifferent are not an all the time thing. Sure one isn’t dragged around, and one can at times be rather bland towards our ex or spouse. Realize that being not caring is different than being uncaring. Indifference is not a permanent state. We find our way to let go and care at the same time. (Rather counterintuitive sounding I bet.)D

I have read it yesterday. Thx for that. And you are right, these are not the same things. I’m glad you explained it in that way.

H talked about his mom to FIL and BIL. They probably brought up stuff as well, I’d guess. People do acquire those who listen and reinforce their side or views. D

Yes, they did. His brother validated what he said and even went further. He told H that he had already made the decision long time ago to tolerate her in his life, even though she really doesn't deserve it. But he does this because she is his mother and the grandmother of his children. However, he no longer opens up to her. His feelings towards her are gone. He has given everything a place. He also said that she would do anything to break the relationship between me and the family, just like she tried this in the past when her and her 2nd husband broke up, and even the relationship with my BIL and his wife she has tried to destroy. He literally said she's a really bad women, but that she still is their mother.

You know how anxious and difficult speaking to her can be. And the boundaries one places. D

This is true. It was a very hard thing to do, even for me and she is not my own mother.

The problem is the pain hasn’t been felt all these years. It was buried. Unfelt. Unrealized.
It is now uncovered and being felt. Those demons will no longer be denied.
Talking to his Mom. Difficult. And for the crisis person they are still figuring out what is wrong. Remember they destroyed their own life, their very identity, in an effort to run from the uncovered pain and trauma(s). We can’t expect rational actions; this path is an irrational journey.
Being Mom on top of all that. Yeah, that a tough pill to swallow. Mom, that one person that is supposed to love you and be there for you no matter what. I can speak to that from a Dad’s point of view with hurt children.
My four children were thrown away from the very woman who should have loved them more than life itself. Betrayed. Shunned. Unloved. What a horrible and terrible thing to experience. I witnessed their lives change and their once loving Mom destroy everything.
Mom would not talk about it. I suspect H’s Mom back during her two divorces similarly would not speak about it. Talking and acknowledging would necessitate owning her part of it. Most likely easier to just blame and move on. Just like my XW did to me and to my kids.
Should my kids ban her from their lives. No. That is a path that leads to regret.

Indeed, everything was buried in these households, she always blamed someone else, she has never made any mistake in her life according to her. She never apologized to both her H’s for what she did. Instead, she blamed them, until the point where she saw it was not working, then she stopped.
And I understand what you mean. But for me there is a big difference between your XW and his M.
Your XW was once a love and caring person and a good mother, this for a very long time as well.
His mother has never been that way. She has always acted like this and will not change anymore. This is simply who she is, not an alien but her real identity.
Your XW is not trying to destroy their lives, she simply runs from everything because she can’t face the pain she is in, because her parents threw her away. His mother would do anything to keep the drama alive, she does this on a daily basis, with the people surrounding her who are of no use to her anymore. (and the strange thing is she really has good and stable parents, I even visited them today with S17, so she is not that way caused by trauma)
H is of use because he has money, that’s the reason why she’s pretending to care, and H finally acknowledges this. (he knew already a long time, but he buried it, like you stated)

My children have grown through all this. They are happy and have good strong morals and values. And as much as they do not condone Mom’s action and choices, they do forgive her.
So no, in my honest view the quote is incorrect. Either of those would be an unwise and unrealistic course of action. She is after all his Mom. And H is Dad to your kids.
It falls to you, the strong stable parent to lead and inspire. Consider a better message than banning or confronting Dad. Lead them to understanding, acceptance, and forgiveness.D

I am definitely applying the above to my H and the children. I would never try to ban their Dad from their lives, instead I’m leading them to have compassion and understanding and to forgive him for what his has done of potentially will do.
In regards to his M, this is something he must sort out for himself, but I think that talking about it will have to be done sooner or later. And it will be his choice what place she will get in his live. I, for myself, have chosen to follow the path his brother took. I will tolerate her because she is the grandmother of our children, but I won’t go further anymore. This is the boundary I’m setting towards her.

[DnJ]

Good Morning Eagle

You see quite clearly who my XW is and was; and who MIL is and always was. You are correct, there is a big different there.

A bit more on banning / boundaries. It’s the intent and reason behind the action. It is encouraged to have boundaries and to limit toxicity in one’s life. This amounts, at times, to something similar to an outright ban of someone. The difference is our purposeful action is a controlled response to disrespectful behaviours from that person. If said person is respectful then a different outcome would occur.

I believe you are living this idea. And tolerating MIL is following that philosophy. You are a on a good path. And an excellent role model for your boys.

D

[Eagle3]

Good morning everyone,

Just wondering how I should deal with the following. And sorry for my straightforward question...

Haven't had this in years so maybe you can give me some advice.

I do a job for which I work in several companies (up to 100/year), this to give them advice in certain areas, to help them in the process and then to follow up if necessary. Very nice because a lot of variety.

Of course you meet a lot of different people that way. There are also companies that I visit more regularly, so you get to know these people better and better.

For example, I have been going to a certain company on a regular basis for a number of years now and there is a very nice man who works there, with whom I occasionally have conversations with.

This weekend, however, he suddenly started to show interest in a different way. 10 years younger then me, single since a couple of months after a long relationship, no kids.

Help!! Attention from another man.

We sent some messages back and forth and he would like to meet, and to be honest I do too.

Made it already clear to him that I'm not interested in a relationship , still have too much love for my H, and prefer to be single at the moment, but I do enjoy the attention, and there is some physical attraction. In all honesty, it seems to me that it could lead to something temporary but more in a physical way.

I assume this happened to some of you too? Are you blocking this or can you go along with it?

I'm really a layman in this, no experience at all…and I absolutely don't know where this can lead too, but I like to be a little prepared, so all advice is welcome…

Maybe you'll even find it strange that I'm open to this already??