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Eagle3 Offline OP
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Time for a new thread which is called: My Story P2...Acceptance of the MLC Madness

My first title should have been: My Story P1...Survival of the MLC Madness

I guess I was too positive about the progress which I thought I noticed in him when I started my 1st thread...(always been a bit of an optimist on all levels :D)

Anyway, here is the link to my 1st thread:
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2904612#Post2904612

Short summary:

BD April 2019 with the famous ILYBNILWY.
Started an affair a few weeks before that timing. Immediately found out. Lying, spewing, rewriting of history, wanting both of us, etc. until I kicked him out 09/2019. Came back 2 months later, totally broken. (way too soon)
Final break-up with OW 02/2020.

COVID so home from 02/2020 until 08/2020. Deep outward depression, first signs of aknowledgement that something is really wrong with him. Still shows a lot of running behavior such as drinking heavily.

Accepts new job abroad since 04/2020, working from home since COVID, asked him to leave for the other country in 08/2020 since behavior is extremely bad for myself and my 3 boys, all teenagers.

From 09/2020 until 12/2020 slightly showing improvement whilst abroad, new running behavior...working out (sports) to an extreme level. As from 12/2020 clear set-back into tunnel (possible new OW in the picture)

01/2021 asked for divorce, I agree.

Same month he informs me that OW1 passed away. (suicide) Never known for sure if there is or has been an OW2.
Not interested either.

Process of D is in my hands, since he doesn’t act, but I want financial independence so I proceed. Friendly but firm.

As from that moment I’ve started to accept the process, this is the time I start to find my way back to happiness, I finally learned how to let go for ‘real’. The reading, talking about it, processing, this forum,...helped me in finding the new me.

I’m still there in a certain way for him, but completely detached. We have regular contact, again friendly but firm.
I feel strong, ready to write a new chapter in my life, together with my 3 fantastic children who make me so proud every single day. He could learn a whole lot from them. smile


Me(45)EXH(44)
M:15 T:18, S19, S16 & S16
04/19-02/20 ILYB & OW1
12/20-08/22 OW2 (+pregnant-his child)
03/22-Divorce official
06/22-08/23 Reconnecting
09/23-possible back with OW2
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Eagle3 Offline OP
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Originally Posted by kml
Fascinating that he called himself a sociopath. Most do not come to that level of self-understanding. I wouldn't gloss over that statement - I suggest you read up a bit on sociopathy. The Sociopath Next Door is a quick read that is a good starting point. The Psychopath Inside is a fascinating book by a neuroscientist who was studying the brains of psychopaths and accidentally discovered his brain had the same telltale signs. )


Hi kml,

Indeed, weird to hear this, I didn't confirm nor denied it, just listened.
Correct to say I should need to know more about it. Will pick up your suggestion and first read the book The Sociopath Next Door.
Thx.


Me(45)EXH(44)
M:15 T:18, S19, S16 & S16
04/19-02/20 ILYB & OW1
12/20-08/22 OW2 (+pregnant-his child)
03/22-Divorce official
06/22-08/23 Reconnecting
09/23-possible back with OW2
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Posts: 403
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Eagle3 Offline OP
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Originally Posted by DnJ
You are doing very well and asking good questions. This is a bizarre situation to explore and I hope I shed some light for you.D


Hi DnJ, you did for sure! thanks a lot!

Originally Posted by DnJ
H saying he has a problem is a good sign. It is one data point among many. Do not read too much into it. Remember, believe nothing they say and only half of what they do.

Is H seeking help? Looking for a IC? Aside from his words, what actions is he implementing?D


He says he is seeing a psychiatrist since the beginning of March, that would be an action, but as you stated above, is he telling the truth? I wouldn't know.
At the end, it always comes to the same answer. We dit not break them, therefore we cannot fix them, so let it go.



Last edited by Eagle3; 05/11/21 08:23 PM.

Me(45)EXH(44)
M:15 T:18, S19, S16 & S16
04/19-02/20 ILYB & OW1
12/20-08/22 OW2 (+pregnant-his child)
03/22-Divorce official
06/22-08/23 Reconnecting
09/23-possible back with OW2
Joined: Sep 2020
Posts: 403
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Eagle3 Offline OP
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Just had a very difficult, crazy conversation with H.
He sent me a message last week concerning the purchase of the house, that he could not borrow enough for the time being and that we had to talk about it. Had replied to him to let me know when.

Since I didn't hear anything, I sent a message yesterday with the request to contact me in regards to the above. He actually called today.

At first calm and friendly, some small talk about the children, etc. He then started talking about the purchase of the house, about the fact that the banks would not give him the necessary amount as discussed to give to me, but that this could possibly be done within a few months, if I could wait a few months or if I could agree to accept a part now, with an explanation of a weird set-up that made little sense to give the rest of the money at a later stage. (in fact a set-up whereby a final divorce is not yet possible)

I answered him honestly that I wanted to move forward, have a new start and that I would like a settlement as soon as possible. That I could check if I could go along with the plan he had in mind, but that this had to be clearly put on paper first (in order to understand what he meant as it was not clear to me at all - MCL talk confused ).
I started talking about the household effects, that if he would buy the house all the furniture would then remain here and that we had to arrange this part as well. (was already agreed in the draft document we made together of the divorce)

Sudden change in behavior, there was the monster again:

That I was no longer entitled to that, that he already wanted to pay enough for the house and that I always want to get the most out of it.
That if we would sell the house I would get much less money then what he proposed, but that I had to go ahead with it, that he did not want to buy it anymore now.

I told him in a calm way that I know him well enough, he cannot act this way, that this will not work anymore. Then he paused a while and started all over again.

I simply said it is a shame that these talks always have to end in an endless discussion, that we better leave it this way and I will put it up for sale now.

He agreed and said that he would buy it through the agency???

Frankly, I'm devastated. It is sometimes so unrealistic to see how he turned out.
He is like the devil, negotiating is absolutely not possible with him...

The children came home from school, unfortunately I could not hide my grief.
Told them honestly that I had a conversation with their father about the house and that it was a very difficult and painful one.

I'm going to start-up the sale now. All of this really has to stop. I'm so tired, fed-up with it, sad, angry...will this ever come to an end?


Last edited by Eagle3; 05/18/21 06:35 PM.

Me(45)EXH(44)
M:15 T:18, S19, S16 & S16
04/19-02/20 ILYB & OW1
12/20-08/22 OW2 (+pregnant-his child)
03/22-Divorce official
06/22-08/23 Reconnecting
09/23-possible back with OW2
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Eagle, a quick reply.

It is great that you were able to keep a clear head.

But why on earth would you agree to sell the house without a divorce agreement?

You have young kids who need stability right now.

It is standard to keep the house until the youngest goes to college.

You can argue for sole use of the marital residence until they are 18.

He has to show how their housing will be paid for or he has to wait.

A slow buy out doesn't sound bad to me, that's what I am trying to get my H to do. But you have the kids, like me. Why would you want to move? You can decide on the distribution % now but he doesn't have to get it until the kids go to college and you sell.

Why would you want to give him any money or put your kids through the trauma of marketing, selling and moving before you have a signed divorce decree with no loose ends anyway?

I haven't followed your sitch in a while so I might be missing something. But it seems like you need to put your kids first on this one, and there is ample precedent for sole use until they are 18.


I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
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Eagle3 Offline OP
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Hi Gerda,

Thanks for the reply.

But you need to know that in the country where I live the law doesn’t work that way.
I know in the US this is the case but not here.

We need to come to an agreement before we can start the divorce procedure in regards to the mutual belongings.

And I actually do this for my kids. They want to move back to our old town. We’ve only been living here for 2 years (completely new house but was never a real ‘home’ to them since everything started here and they associate things)


Me(45)EXH(44)
M:15 T:18, S19, S16 & S16
04/19-02/20 ILYB & OW1
12/20-08/22 OW2 (+pregnant-his child)
03/22-Divorce official
06/22-08/23 Reconnecting
09/23-possible back with OW2
Joined: Jan 2003
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Sounds to e like your H is not really trying to buy the house, but that he wants to slow down or stop the divorce and the move.

If it was as simple as waiting a few months for him to have the money to buy you out, and if that results in more money for you that you will need - is there a reason why you would not do that? (I'm thinking you want to get the kids settled in the old town before school starts in the fall, maybe?)

Or do you think that he still won't be able to come up with the money to buy you out in a few months either and you would rather take less money and get it sold now? Or is it a figment of his imagination that your share of the assets would be different if he bought you out versus if you sold and split the money?

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Hello Eagle

If the banks won’t give H enough of a loan now, a few months probably isn’t going to make any difference. It looks to me like H is dragging his feet in the hopes you will get exasperated and just settle for less.

Originally Posted by Eagle3
All of this really has to stop. I'm so tired, fed-up with it, sad, angry...will this ever come to an end?

Kind of like what you were feeling. H is manipulating the situation and feeding you his lies.

I understand your locale requires an agreement before proceeding with a divorce. If H’s proposed offer of less money is unacceptable, is too much less, then you most likely will have to sell the house, take your share, and you and the kids move back to the old town.

You are correct you cannot negotiate with an irrational person. H keeps changing his mind. Lying as well. He might very well be able to get the loan, but wants to saves some money for himself. He has repeatably stated how you are asking for too much, how he is offering you so much out if his good graces, and how he really shouldn’t and doesn’t have too. Do not believe a word he says!! His make believe narrative is BS! Sell the house and your full amount.

It is ok that you displayed to the kids just how much this situation is hurting you. Believe me it is good for them to see and realize Mom is human and can hurt as well. Being strong and stable includes, at times, showing your grief. And of course the awesome path of working through it. Which you are doing a fabulous job of, I might add.

D


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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Oh Eagle3, I feel for you and the level of frustration you must be feeling. I too hoped to keep stability for my SS18 before we sold the house, but my H also left me no options. And it’s not really something to only consider to the age of 18, but until they go off to college that fall (if they do in this crazy time where even that is uncertain). Luckily for me (and my H) I am being the responsible one and ensuring my SS18 can stay with me until the fall if he wants to. H is already on his way to his new life...but my D is only starting.

Your H is most likely manipulating you as the others suggest. Just moving and getting it over with might be hard while it’s happening for your kids, but would help to prevent further delays or games. Remove options for control and access so to speak. And if you really want to move to the other town then maybe it’s what will make the stress and change worth it. Even for the kids if they are excited about that possibility.

Just speak to a lawyer and document everything. If the option the H is suggesting turns out to be valid, then that should come out while you move forward on what you can control. Then you can be the one to decide if you accept it on your terms. Sending hugs and positive vibes your way.

El


Me 52, H 56
T10 M7, 2nd MR for both
2 Step Sons (19 and 21)
BD: Fall 2020
D finalized: July 2022
XH Married AP soon after D day.



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I forgot you were not in the states, Eagle. That is such a different approach than here! It is interesting that they do not think they have to help you get to that point, but maybe in some ways it's better. Imagine if my H couldn't have dragged me through the courts for 3 years and wasted 150K he doesn't have on a lawyer because that just wasn't a path to divorce.

Now that you have explained, it sounds great for your kids to move, they will actually feel that it is something they prefer!

Remember, H will not do anything that makes sense and will not advocate even for his own true interests. His mind is not working properly except to seek drama and despair.

XO


I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
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