Filed for D

[SteveLW]

U,

Thank you. I cannot believe you're two years in and still tied together financially yet I'm just a few month off from that number myself. It is definitely a test of patience!

"She has her own narrative, she is operating on emotion." You're completely right about this. I'm getting used to it at this point. I see it often in ExWs day to day thinking. When we discuss something, just about anything, I see that she reacts to how she feels about it and not factual evidence or logically whats best. When/if there is factual evidence to support my side and disprove hers, she still feels her way and lives in her reality. Since she feels a way, it must be right and damned is the person who goes against those feelings.

All,

The kids were told about the D. D5 said she wants her daddy, that this is stupid, she cried, said she wants us all in a house together, wants either parent when she needs us, they cried a little more. She is completely correct, this is stupid. All happened in about two minutes then she wanted to play. It seemed too fast. No way she understood and got through it so easily.

Sorry Core, your STBXW is in typical WAS mode: checking off the boxes. Telling the kids is one of the boxes. I know this was not what you wanted, but like I said before, as long as your sitch has been going the kids are already picking up on signals that all isn't right. So it had to happen at some point. I agree your WAW should have been open to more constructive ways of doing it, especially since your kids are so young, but now that it has all you can do is become the best dad for them that you can be!

Core any update on your DBing? How is GAL going? Any work on your 180s and self-improvements? Do you feel like you've made progress on emotional detachment?

[Traveler]

The kids were told about the D. D5 said she wants her daddy, that this is stupid, she cried, said she wants us all in a house together, wants either parent when she needs us, they cried a little more. She is completely correct, this is stupid. All happened in about two minutes then she wanted to play. It seemed too fast. No way she understood and got through it so easily.

Hi Core, your kids will learn what D means in bits and pieces. My (then) D7 took D much easier than my S2. D7 understood me when when I said, "You'll see Daddy in 2 days and can call me anytime." and she appreciated finally having a bedroom she could call her own. S2 didn't understand until he had to leave me to go with mommy. He'd only go with her if I stayed on the phone talking as I drove away. A couple of years later, the kids get it, adjust to the pros and cons (which hopefully includes more quality parent-child time, less arguing, and two happier parents). S doesn't remember and D barely remembers a married home. (:

[Core]

Hey Core I am really sorry but you got through probably the toughest part. It's true what they say kids are resilient. You got a tough road ahead but you will get through it

LH, I am right there with you. That was probably the last remaining highly difficult part. Not to say its clear sailing from here by any means but the worst of the worst parts are over.

Sorry Core, your STBXW is in typical WAS mode: checking off the boxes. Telling the kids is one of the boxes. I know this was not what you wanted, but like I said before, as long as your sitch has been going the kids are already picking up on signals that all isn't right. So it had to happen at some point. I agree your WAW should have been open to more constructive ways of doing it, especially since your kids are so young, but now that it has all you can do is become the best dad for them that you can be!

Core any update on your DBing? How is GAL going? Any work on your 180s and self-improvements? Do you feel like you've made progress on emotional detachment?

Thanks for the questions Steve and for holding my feet to the DB fire here. I didn't want this D 100% until the day the judge signed the papers. There is no going back for me. My Ex was abusive, puts the kids needs after her own, disrespected my family and I, and I see nothing of the woman I loved in there.

Emotional detachment wise, I'd say the process is complete. Shamefully as an emotionally sensitive dude, others emotions can get to me but hers do less than just about anyone else. I don't seek to share much of anything with her except to keep things peaceful for the kids. When she comes at me with targeted emotions it rolls right off or I walk away.

GAL, 180s and self improvements - I've slid back on all. I've spent the last few months reassessing everything in my life. Politics, friends, family, future, goals. I've figured out where I want to be on most of those facets. My old goals I've tossed. I have zero interest in getting remarried and zero interest in any relationship with ExW besides when it involves the kids. I'll be honest, after all that's happened and what I learned, I have no interest in anything but casual relationships with women in my area. Realizing these things, I stopped working on attraction, cut back time at the gym. My kids get more time, my father does, I've visited a few friends not paranoid by the bug and I'm learning some self defense. The city I live in has some upheaval going on and I have many years being stuck here. The bulk of my free time has been put in to finances and getting ready for my move. I'm most of the way there and can't wait! The downside being less time with the kids but I'll have them half the time thankfully and the home will be clean, unchaotic and safe. Looking forward to painting, having my own stuff out and not having to battle with unreasonable adult feelings everyday. Once I'm settled in, I'm starting a channel for kids on the net, and I'm planning out a second side project down the line. I've planned out how I'll get ahead in finances for 1-3 years to cut down mortgage interest and boost my 401k back up. Just a few days and I get the mental space I've been struggling for. I've built a new budget, got set up for a promotion at work and have almost correct high blood pressure with some changes in behaviors.

Hi Core, your kids will learn what D means in bits and pieces. My (then) D7 took D much easier than my S2. D7 understood me when when I said, "You'll see Daddy in 2 days and can call me anytime." and she appreciated finally having a bedroom she could call her own. S2 didn't understand until he had to leave me to go with mommy. He'd only go with her if I stayed on the phone talking as I drove away. A couple of years later, the kids get it, adjust to the pros and cons (which hopefully includes more quality parent-child time, less arguing, and two happier parents). S doesn't remember and D barely remembers a married home. (:

That's good to know CW. I'm sure my S2 will be in a similar boat. Poor guy couldn't give a darn when we told him but thats because he has no idea what it means and how he would be affected. I think the hardest part for him is to come. I think for D5 the hardest part just happened. From here, it becomes part of their day to day lifestyle now.