Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 9 of 10 1 2 7 8 9 10
Core #2916999 03/24/21 04:26 AM
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 426
Likes: 5
C
Core Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 426
Likes: 5
DB board, things are going excellent currently. I could write a book catching up from my last post. I'll leave it shorter.

Anyone whom followed me from early on could see I got rocked by the BD. It seemed like the end of my world and in some ways, it was. In first trying to save the M, then more recently save my self, I opened up my mind to all kinds of information, thoughts, ideas and influences that I would've likely rejected in the past. My posting volume here dropped as I went down paths going in to not just my role and my Ex's role (yes, officially D'd now) in the breakdown of the marriage. I've looked at religion, politics and culture's influence as well. I don't plan on going deep in to those and I'm sure most here would agree this isn't the place for the other topics.

I came to a feeling that society itself is degrading, rapidly. I've been preparing myself for this as well as partaking elsewhere on the net, hoping to slow the decay, helping others. I really appreciate those that have helped me here on these boards and I enjoyed chiming in on others sitches. Now....I think I'm too biased to help others here on a marriage saving site. I am thankful for my D and I don't want to influence others in to D'ing. I think my purpose is to spend time helping elsewhere before people make it to these boards. For this, I'm a bit ashamed as I was helped so much here, I really feel I owe it back to the boards. If I do spend more time here, I have to get out of this bias I'm in first.

As I mentioned, I'm officially D'd. The freedom tastes good. Never thought I'd say that. I made out ok. Back in debt on a new place which I close on shortly which is a pretty short drive away. I managed to stay in an area in which the school will take the kids to both homes. Currently, ExW, I and the kids still live together. The kids don't know about the D yet. Once my name is off the mortgage and a few retaining things from the settlement are over, I'll be untied and later free in my new place.

My Ex's passive abuse has reared it's head a few times but thankfully she is not the worst the boards have seen. I call it abuse because it is legit abuse at times, there is intent. I see through it now.

I'm left a bit jaded. I have zero intention to ever recon. I have zero intention to ever marry again. If women weren't so beautiful I could be fine just living out my days with myself and the kids 50 percent of the time. Alas I currently have little interest in dating or even one night stands. The chances of STDs, the cost, the high expectations of it all...I'd just rather spend time with the kids and work towards my goals.

I've lurked a bit and see life is going well for those off the rollercoaster part. I'm happy to see things working out and that the board continues to help the us tormented individuals seeking relief.

If I could change anything about the whole process, I would've listened to LH, Steve, Ginger and other vets more in terms of just having more respect and love for myself. I would've also handled finances differently. I should've at least filed earlier on, even if I didn't have ExW served, as I would've saved quite a bit more $ for the kids and I. I'll be house poor for awhile but I'm working on secondary income once I'm living solo.

My D5 and S2 are just incredible little people right now. They are loving with each other and their mom and Dad. They play well together and I experience much happiness interacting with them as they grow, learn and bond. As my anxieties over the D and the world have diminished, I've been putting my time in to the kids. I know I won't ever regret putting things aside and devoting more to them during their magical years.

I'm happy. I think D was the right choice as much as I disagree with divorce. I hate the word, I hate that it exists however my marriage was already over when I was BD'd and so it had to be done. I have so much life to look forward to still and I'll have much less puts downs, invalidation, nags and negativity as my journey in life 2.0 with two little ones begins.


H37, W37
D4, S2
ILYBNILWY 9/19
BD 9/19
EA discovered 10/19
Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
Core #2917008 03/24/21 01:28 PM
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,822
Likes: 226
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,822
Likes: 226
Core, WB! Good to see you moving forward happy and healthy! Newcomers need to see you and recognize that you are a success story. Not everyone saves their marriage, but saving yourself is more important.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Core #2918371 05/01/21 05:10 PM
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 426
Likes: 5
C
Core Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 426
Likes: 5
Goodness, my Ex has just stated her plan to tell my daughter about the divorce, the day before d's bday. She can't understand why this is not ok. Broken person actively albeit maybe subconsciously trying to make another broken person.

I'm going to push hard against this, possibly breaking the shakey peace we have right now but its worth it. Imagine your parents telling you about divorce then celebrating your bday 12 hours later. WTF. My Ex is sick.


H37, W37
D4, S2
ILYBNILWY 9/19
BD 9/19
EA discovered 10/19
Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
Core #2918377 05/01/21 09:31 PM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 4,627
Likes: 71
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 4,627
Likes: 71
Originally Posted by Core
I'm going to push hard against this, possibly breaking the shakey peace we have right now but its worth it. Imagine your parents telling you about divorce then celebrating your bday 12 hours later. WTF. My Ex is sick.

Hi Core,

Planning to tell D the day before her birthday sounds messed up, but remember--you do NOT control your STXBW. You can request that she not tell D that day, and she will agree to your request or not, but pushing "hard" and "breaking the shaky peace" doesn't change anything except maybe allow you to vent. There are healthier ways to vent. The flip side of that is she doesn't control you. If you don't want your D told the day before her birthday, tell her tomorrow, get it out in the open well in advance of her birthday.

Core #2918380 05/02/21 01:10 AM
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,822
Likes: 226
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,822
Likes: 226
Originally Posted by Core
Goodness, my Ex has just stated her plan to tell my daughter about the divorce, the day before d's bday. She can't understand why this is not ok. Broken person actively albeit maybe subconsciously trying to make another broken person.

I'm going to push hard against this, possibly breaking the shakey peace we have right now but its worth it. Imagine your parents telling you about divorce then celebrating your bday 12 hours later. WTF. My Ex is sick.


I agree probably better to tell her after her bday. But don't delude yourself that anytime is a good time. Even if you pick the perfect day of the year, equal distance from her bday, Christmas, and every other holiday, she's still going to be shattered. Pick a day you both can be there, tell her only that the marriage is ending, that you both love her, and it isn't in any way her fault. Proactive is better than reactive. Most LBSs try to put it off as long as possible in the false hope you never will have to. The result is that the kids usually ascertain that it is happening before they are told. Which is never good.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Core #2918383 05/02/21 10:43 AM
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 426
Likes: 5
C
Core Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 426
Likes: 5
CW,

I agree with you on not pushing it to where I am trying to control her, which allows her to reflect it back. Well, actually she's constantly trying to control me still. I mentioned risking the shaky peace as anytime I disagree with her, she is triggered and there is always an emotional response or other nonsense targeted at me within a day or so. The further we disconnect, this is lessening thankfully.

I told her I do not support her telling my daughter in the least bit and will not participate in doing this before her bday. ExW changed her mind and offered a reasonable date in the future. We'll see what revenge she takes out. We're still working on splitting finances if you can believe that. That's were I'm predicting blowback now. Worth it to give my daughter a peaceful bday.

Steve,
Lots of truth here and thank you for the suggestion on what to say. I plan on doing just that, mentioning the marriage ended, we both love her, its not her fault and tacking on that we will have two separate houses. You're right in that no time is a good time to tell a child about divorce. The poor baby still asks for family slumber parties and such which would'vebeen wonderful moments. She'll be hit hard. I respect my Ex less and less every day for her actions taken and that she still takes. On top of her plan to tell D on her bday, she also wants D involved in splitting up stuff between the houses. While I get it gives D some control, D shouldn't get involved in the process or else she'll think she's part of it or supporting it. The woman I live with just a little longer has become so radicalized.


H37, W37
D4, S2
ILYBNILWY 9/19
BD 9/19
EA discovered 10/19
Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
Core #2918392 05/02/21 06:04 PM
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,822
Likes: 226
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,822
Likes: 226
Yeah, all you can do is be the best dad that you can be. As stated by CW, you have no control over for STBXW.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Core #2918437 05/03/21 05:15 PM
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,561
Likes: 1
U
Member
Offline
Member
U
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,561
Likes: 1
Hi Core ~

You did the right thing by expressing your opinion but also accepting you can't control what your STBXW decides.

My STBXW are almost 2 years into this thing and we haven't separated finances. Buckle up and hang in there.

I sense you are worried about your STBXW getting triggered and things blowing up in settling financial matters. You can only control your part - you could do things perfectly and she still could blow it up. As a D'ed friend always reminds me, "She has her own narrative, she is operating on emotion."

Kudos to you for standing your ground on what you think is right.

Core #2918637 05/07/21 11:13 AM
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 426
Likes: 5
C
Core Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 426
Likes: 5
U,

Thank you. I cannot believe you're two years in and still tied together financially yet I'm just a few month off from that number myself. It is definitely a test of patience!

"She has her own narrative, she is operating on emotion." You're completely right about this. I'm getting used to it at this point. I see it often in ExWs day to day thinking. When we discuss something, just about anything, I see that she reacts to how she feels about it and not factual evidence or logically whats best. When/if there is factual evidence to support my side and disprove hers, she still feels her way and lives in her reality. Since she feels a way, it must be right and damned is the person who goes against those feelings.

All,

The kids were told about the D. D5 said she wants her daddy, that this is stupid, she cried, said she wants us all in a house together, wants either parent when she needs us, they cried a little more. She is completely correct, this is stupid. All happened in about two minutes then she wanted to play. It seemed too fast. No way she understood and got through it so easily.


H37, W37
D4, S2
ILYBNILWY 9/19
BD 9/19
EA discovered 10/19
Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
Core #2918638 05/07/21 12:38 PM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
Originally Posted by Core
She is completely correct, this is stupid. All happened in about two minutes then she wanted to play. It seemed too fast. No way she understood and got through it so easily.

Hey Core I am really sorry but you got through probably the toughest part. It's true what they say kids are resilient. You got a tough road ahead but you will get through it.

Page 9 of 10 1 2 7 8 9 10

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard