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Re: I'm Climbing The Mountain in 29 Days [Re: CWarrior] #2918594
05/06/21 06:54 AM
05/06/21 06:54 AM
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kml Offline
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The thing about online meeting (itís not dating until you date) is that many other people are simultaneously competing for the same personís attention. They might hear back from that guy they were flirting with last week and he might have finally asked them out. They might have met someone more their type after they talked to you. Something might have come up with work or family that is going to take up their weekend. If you were casually chatting with someone at a party, and later in the evening they are being chatted up by someone else, thatís normal . This is not regular dating and the same rules donít apply until you are actually dating!

As for attraction techniques - be yourself. If theyíre not attracted to your authentic self, do you really want to be with them? Yes, be polite, be a gentleman, donít talk about your ex on a first date, donít pick your nose. But overall, this is not about attracting them to you. Itís about learning who they are, and figuring out whether they are someone you could have a relationship with. Take it from someone who spent far too much of my youth ďwinningĒ over unavailable guys and ignoring the nice guys who were interested in me. I should have been much less interested in winning and much more interested in whether they were good enough for ME. (One of those nice guys, a med school classmate who had a crush on me, has been happily married to his wife for over 30 years, looks great, they travel together and are having the lovely life I THOUGHT I was signing up for with my exH. Dumb me. )

Instead of doing the ďpick meĒ dance with dates, shop around. Two very old songs to sing to yourself : Shop Around by the Miracles, and Jimmy Soulís ďIf You Wanna Be HappyĒ (for the rest of your life, never make a pretty woman your wife, ... from my personal point of view, get an ugly girl to marry you).

Interestingly, my best friend wonít date guys who are ďtoo prettyĒ. She fears theyíll be unfaithful. Sheíd rather date a quirky looking guy who thinks SHE is gorgeous.

Re: I'm Climbing The Mountain in 29 Days [Re: CWarrior] #2918595
05/06/21 07:17 AM
05/06/21 07:17 AM
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CWarrior Online OP
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Dear kml,

Timely advice. OF COURSE you knew there would be that woman--there always is--not quite as attractive as the rest, but with a profile written for me, well employed, who has been messaging me around the clock. wink

Thanks for all the advice, really. Each step or misstep brings me closer to my goals.


May'19 - separation. | Dec'19, Oct'20, Jan'21 - painful breakups. | Jan'21 - freedom!
"We the ones who play hard, we live hard, we love hard, we light up the dark." -- Kesha

Re: I'm Climbing The Mountain in 29 Days [Re: CWarrior] #2918596
05/06/21 12:25 PM
05/06/21 12:25 PM
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Dawn70 Offline
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Some great words of wisdom have come your way, CW. I have said to many on here in many different circumstances that everyone has to do what is right for them in their situation because while all of us can offer sage advice based on generalities, none of us are in the know as far as your day to day life and interactions are concerned.

Kml's advice to just be yourself is SPOT ON. Like she said, why would you want to be with someone who wasn't attracted to the person you really are. That is far too much work to keep up appearances (so to speak) and have to be fake all the time.

I don't necessarily disagree with Don's assessment of OLD, but I did meet my current husband that way, so I do know there are some gems out there. You just have to decide what you are willing to put up with to see if you can find that hidden gem.

As far as dating less attractive that you and kml mentioned, everyone has different ideas of what they find attractive. I don't think I'm particularly physically attractive, in fact, I KNOW I'm not, but I also know that I bring far more to the table than my physical looks. My precious husband, though, thinks I'm beautiful and tells me so often. Of course, he's terribly near-sighted, so maybe he just needs new glasses, but my point is that pretty is as pretty does. If I have any advice at all to give you, outside of being yourself, it is to really take the time to get to know a person, because you might find that someone who might not be what you think of as conventionally attractive may have many other qualities that make them more attractive to you over all.

Enjoy and don't worry too much about "goofs" as you called them. Just be yourself and try to relax and get to know the person to see if you might be interested in getting to know them more and spending time together again. And, be open-minded! I'm not saying you shouldn't look for red flags, but sometimes we paint a pretty specific picture of who/what we are looking for and then get in our own way if someone doesn't line up totally with that picture. It's ok to "color outside the lines" a bit. wink


Me 51, H52
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
7 grandkids
Re: I'm Climbing The Mountain in 29 Days [Re: CWarrior] #2918598
05/06/21 01:10 PM
05/06/21 01:10 PM
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DejaVu6 Offline
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CW...what KML and Dawn said. I like KMLís reframe from thinking of it as online dating to online meeting. Dating is what happens once you meet and you both decide you want to see each other again based on the reality of who you are face to face and not the fantasy of the profile. And please donít view one-and-done meetings as a failure or a waste of time. I just see them as opportunities to meet a new person and practice my people skills. No expectations. Most of my meetings have been the one and done type... for various reasons. A few of them have been a bit awkward because he wanted to go out again and I didnít. Most were a mutual ďno thanksĒ because I fully believe that when you are really attracted to someone, that attraction will most often be a mutual one. Thankfully I havenít yet had the experience of wanting a second date and the other person not wanting one but Iím sure that would have happened eventually. I always prepared myself for all outcomes and kept my expectations low so the overall experience was a positive one. Iím not OLD currently but thatís because Iím focusing on other things. When Iím ready to get out there again, I will definitely give it another shot. Good luck and have fun!!!


Me 51
H 46
B/G Twins 11
SD19
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019
Divorce final - November 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

Re: I'm Climbing The Mountain in 29 Days [Re: DejaVu6] #2918600
05/06/21 01:33 PM
05/06/21 01:33 PM
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LH19 Offline
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Originally Posted by DejaVu6
Dating is what happens once you meet and you both decide you want to see each other again based on the reality of who you are face to face and not the fantasy of the profile.

I agree 100%
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
And please donít view one-and-done meetings as a failure or a waste of time. I just see them as opportunities to meet a new person and practice my people skills.

I agree 100%
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
No expectations.

I agree 100%
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
Most of my meetings have been the one and done type... for various reasons.

I agree 100% Those most of my reasons are because I was mislead in some way. Usually photos
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
A few of them have been a bit awkward because he wanted to go out again and I didnít.

I imagine it's more awkward for a woman because woman usually let the man take the lead.
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
Most were a mutual ďno thanksĒ because I fully believe that when you are really attracted to someone, that attraction will most often be a mutual one.

I agree 100%
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
Thankfully I havenít yet had the experience of wanting a second date and the other person not wanting one but Iím sure that would have happened eventually.

Happened to me a couple times. It is disappointing but you get over it quick.
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
I always prepared myself for all outcomes and kept my expectations low so the overall experience was a positive one.

I agree 100%
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
Iím not OLD currently but thatís because Iím focusing on other things. When Iím ready to get out there again, I will definitely give it another shot. Good luck and have fun!!!

With that attitude you can't lose DejaVu.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

ďDon't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.Ē- Will Smith
Re: I'm Climbing The Mountain in 29 Days [Re: CWarrior] #2918618
05/06/21 06:02 PM
05/06/21 06:02 PM
Joined: Jun 2019
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CWarrior Online OP
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Thanks guys for all the wonderful advice. Really appreciated.

I will bring a rose and curated foods for the picnic, because romantic and thoughtful are me. (:

I will skip the mechanical attraction formula of subtle touch followed by hand-holding followed by a kiss on first dates. Yes, the build-up leads to a good kiss, and a good kiss almost always wins date 2. Maybe I'll keep the sequence in-mind, but only start on it and go as far as I'm feeling because that's genuine.

I don't do "interview" dates. There are few questions that matter as much as how you feel around each other. Values you determine by actions. I'd rather connect about what we're passionate about.

I will take my car for a wash, Andrew. wink

I won't pick my nose kml, lol.

PS - I had a dream about my ExGF. It's been awhile! We met, kissed, and the magic wasn't there. I woke up thinking, hmm.. I rated ExGF(49/F) a 9/10 because she was an international athlete and has that figure despite constant instability and not listening, but MsSmileyBallerina(33/F) I rated 6/10 because she's overweight (not obese) despite being very active, very positive, and interested in me. I'm bumping MsSmileyBallerina(33/F) up to a 7/10, lol.


May'19 - separation. | Dec'19, Oct'20, Jan'21 - painful breakups. | Jan'21 - freedom!
"We the ones who play hard, we live hard, we love hard, we light up the dark." -- Kesha

Re: I'm Climbing The Mountain in 29 Days [Re: CWarrior] #2918631
05/06/21 10:45 PM
05/06/21 10:45 PM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 2,838
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CWarrior Online OP
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The perfect $15 picnic. Use half of the following. Save half for your next date!

+ 12mo manchego
+ Chorizo
+ Olive medley
+ Fuji apples
+ Salty crackers
+ Glass bottles of sparkling water
+ Red rose

The special manchego (not the grocery store variety) should elevate it. Next step--find a basket and appropriate cloth to wrap in it. Wear warm clothes AND a jacket I can lend if she's cold. Planning a picnic is fun!

Expectations: A good memory, whether I see her this once or again. (::


May'19 - separation. | Dec'19, Oct'20, Jan'21 - painful breakups. | Jan'21 - freedom!
"We the ones who play hard, we live hard, we love hard, we light up the dark." -- Kesha

Re: I'm Climbing The Mountain in 29 Days [Re: CWarrior] #2918632
05/07/21 02:40 AM
05/07/21 02:40 AM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 2,838
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*** FIrst Date ***

MsCutePuppy(46/F)'s has an athletic BMI and she's adorable. Early on the date she kept brushing into me, and when we stopped I put an arm around her. Woah! I've still got mojo. It became clear however, despite the most wonderful dog, we're not a match. She's never been single and she wants to be with her partner all the time. The problem is her common interests and mine only lightly overlap--she enjoys walks along the coast and international travel, but doesn't enjoy hiking, camping, climbing, US travel, or road trips beyond a few hours. So, this is an amicable no-go. I think the physical attraction was there and she enjoyed the date I planned but we're just not compatible.


May'19 - separation. | Dec'19, Oct'20, Jan'21 - painful breakups. | Jan'21 - freedom!
"We the ones who play hard, we live hard, we love hard, we light up the dark." -- Kesha

Re: I'm Climbing The Mountain in 29 Days [Re: CWarrior] #2918635
05/07/21 05:03 AM
05/07/21 05:03 AM
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CWarrior Online OP
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I texted after, "Thanks again for the pleasant walk. You and <dog> are adorable and I love your big dreams <3". She texted back, "Thanks for making the afternoon so special. It was lovely meeting you." No cesspool here!

I was surprised how easily physical contact built up--she asked for a hug at the start and walked so close throughout, our hands brushing into each other was unavoidable. When we sat and I put an arm around her she leaned into it. I guess there are two people creating the date and someone who wants more contact is going to drop hints and provide opportunities. I'm emboldened that she found me attractive and enjoyed the date and if we were more compatible it could've heated up quickly. Note to self, car clean, now work on house. wink


May'19 - separation. | Dec'19, Oct'20, Jan'21 - painful breakups. | Jan'21 - freedom!
"We the ones who play hard, we live hard, we love hard, we light up the dark." -- Kesha

Re: I'm Climbing The Mountain in 29 Days [Re: CWarrior] #2918679
05/08/21 06:18 PM
05/08/21 06:18 PM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 2,838
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CWarrior Online OP
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MsSmileyBallerina(33F) has been initiating texts with me some mornings and every evening--Tue, Wed, Thu.. and at 5:30pm Friday I realized I was excitedly waiting for her text and felt very positively about our chances.. uhoh?! Her text appeared at 5:32pm. Why did I have any feelies--no date yet, still vetting to do. (Aside for Don--I'm certain about her appearance and that she's human/female.) I realized her texting me to check in on my day and just before she fell asleep felt very familiar. Like a relationship. No instant relationships! I vet first. At 7:30pm I responded to her text, two more in quick succession, and put my phone down ignoring her final messages (1 statement + 1 question).

I pinged MsStoryTeller(platonic) to hang out, and she invited me to a charity event where I'll meet her sister and 8 friends. I ping MsOldFriend(platonic) to check-in, and she invited me to hang out next weekend. This is the more important task, building up those networks of platonic friends so I don't need to rely so much on a partner. Both of these women are outside my dating age range and no flirting so they feel very safe.

I also cleaned my car, again. MsHikesMyPeaks(ex-platonic) when she had her meltdown (it's my story! I can call it a meltdown), she fired a bevvy of insults at me. Most I ignored because I'm okay with my boundaries and preferences. One stung--my car was so grimy she secretly wiped anything she touched when I looked away. So, for my date I'd done a car wash and vaccuum, but now I spent $45 on McGuires cleaning products and did my own detail that covered the dash, doors, consols, seats, and floormats--front seats only, so far. I don't like feeling ashamed about my life. Today will also include cleaning my home (similar issue), relaxing and baking with my kids, and a training session.


May'19 - separation. | Dec'19, Oct'20, Jan'21 - painful breakups. | Jan'21 - freedom!
"We the ones who play hard, we live hard, we love hard, we light up the dark." -- Kesha

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