Hope for men

[Traveler]

Hi Shotgun,

Sure. I didn't read kml's or LH's response because I wanted this to begin with 100% my perspective.

Naturally she got the lion's share of the assets and custody of our son but who's counting.

From a dating perspective, knowing courts grant 50/50 to anyone who asks unless there are glaring reasons not to, a yellow flag goes up whenever a potential date has less than 50/50 custody.

Not sure how unique my story is but I did battle cancer, divorce and a career change at the same moment.

That's a ton to deal with. I only had 2 of 3, and it was quite the change!

at fifty-four years old I am as strong as I have ever been.

Yay!

Dating sites are pretty much a cesspool of unhealthy and broken people.

"Cesspool" seems a bit strong. Statistically, only 20% of singles over 40 have a secure attachment style so yes you will have to go on 5-10 dates to find an emotionally healthy partner.

Few ever look like their profile pictures.

My experience--2011-2017--most women were 15# heavier and most men were 2" shorter than claimed (or so my dates said). Exaggeration was common. Gross lies were uncommon. If you're in-demand you can compensate by only dating people who are a step up from your "minimum". That may be wise, anyway, if you want a life partner you keep even if they gain 30# and stretch marks.

The self evaluations and descriptions are often delusional.

Delusional?! You sound bitter, shotgun. My BMI is 25-30--I could either describe that as "Average" (the median for my age) or "Overweight" (BMI 25-30). I know which word I'd choose if I had to choose one for my dating profile.

I find dating in the real world to be a little different. Probably much more honest.

Well, when I ask someone out online I know to a degree whether we are compatible when it comes to age, goals, kids, jobs, politics, exercise, travel, drugs, etc.. Offline, I know if I'm attracted. (:

Women of all ages show interest.

That could be creepy!

I have decided that raising another two year old is not a good fit for me. Yes a hot young lady is fun but I only get the part left over after she takes care of her kids, job, chores etc.

I have my own life and they only get me after mine, too! Unless they want to share in my chores. Attn dating site ladies--if you like to garden, have at my rose bushes or lawn. Note, this offer stands even if we don't date.

.....Frankly few women post forties have taken care of themselves. We are all aging but obesity

According to a 2012 CDC Study, 38.3% of women and 38.1% of men 45-54 are obese. So, roughly 2/3rds of women are NOT obese, but the odds are very slightly against you. Now, if you're looking for fit partners, good news for you shotgun. Only 20% of men in that demographic were at a healthy weight, whereas 27.3% of women were. The odds are ever in your favor.

/sloth and bad hair are choices.

Prioritizations. I just matched with someone who keeps a neat house but went nowhere this past year. Boring. I went on probably 20 trips but my house is a mess. Note to self: Go clean my car!!

[shotgun]

I didn't mean to be offensive. Just commenting on the crazy nature of dating after divorce. Specifically from the male perspective. It was certainly an eye opener to walk into single life after having been out of it for seventeen years. It is my observation that dating is the same except that there is now an industry devoted to it. It really is like a thousand blind dates.

I have found however that it is good to be a healthy man who has taken care of himself and made mostly good choices. Both can be challenges in the Western world.

[Traveler]

Was anyone offended? LH and I are also coming from the male perspective. (:

[LH19]

I didn't mean to be offensive.

SG you did not offend me personally but I think you made some comments that some people may find offensive. You are lucky my friend Ginger doesn't post anymore.

So I love talking about this stuff. What have been your experiences with OLD? In six years have you had any relationships? I am finding it difficult to find a connection too. How is your EXW doing? Remarried? Happy?

[Traveler]

I am finding it difficult to find a connection too.

LH, you were dating one lady for several months. Any ideas what's holding you back from a deeper connection? Anyone I recall dating for over 3 months was as hooked on me as I was them.

[bttrfly]

Kml is absolutely my mentor through BD and post D ... although she's far more daring. I'm gonna weigh in on my pov in the six years since my village was nuked by my exh and his MLC ...

I've had a total of 2 dates --- if you can call them that -- both coffee meet ups. The first guy, yeah, just not into it ... although being cautious I did a very cursory internet search and found out he was on the verge of losing his house to foreclosure. It's amazing in the immediate aftermath of my D how many guys gave me the impression that they thought I had a big payday and would be willing to share. One stated outright, "So, you must have a really healthy bank account!" Um, my bank account and any resources I have are for me and my family, which does not include any new guy. I see no need to combine finances with any future partner.

Guy #2, OLD guy. He was a really nice guy. We talked for a couple hours, had a lot in common, but ... poor dude had a mentally unstable exw complete with restraining orders because she was also violent. He was quite financially sound and responsible, but the exw, coupled with the faint physical resemblance to my exh scared me off.

I've been heavily pursued by a guy 10 years my junior who comes and goes. While I find him very attractive physically, our values are completely different and we would end up in a messy situation. It's one of those things you can see coming a mile away, so again, no. thanks. i dipped a toe into OLD for a brief time. Met the one guy with the crazy violent ex, there was another who was way too needy and playing games within 24 hours of connecting. Imagine what that would be like after two or three dates. Yikes. So many creepy people out there, or desperate people, or needy people, or people who I just don't connect with. Maybe at the time I wasn't ready. For the record, I'm still not ready. There was one nice guy whose daughter set up his profile and insisted he try OLD. Since someone had done the same to me, we had that in common and had a good laugh about it and nice conversation. He asked if he could continue talking to me the next day and was I going to disappear. I said no, was going to be on the site until the end of the month. He was gone the next day. He seemed the most interesting of the options available. There was the guy who just got out of treatment for major depression. The guy who had every label known to man. It's a cesspool, with a few nice people thrown in.

IRL there was the guy who straight up told me he had daddy issues and was into the 50 shades world... TMI in the first few hours of meeting someone. Not a prude, just selective. The guy I've known for years who suddenly started sending me pornographic memes as soon as he found out I was single ... some of these guys were my son's coaches. The ass grab in front of my boy before my husband had even BD'd ... The assumption that 5 minutes after your husband leaves you'll be so desperate for sex and attention that you'll fall for the BS lines.

Yeah. That's the view from my side of the street.

I choose to opt out for now.

[LH19]

I am finding it difficult to find a connection too.

LH, you were dating one lady for several months. Any ideas what's holding you back from a deeper connection? Anyone I recall dating for over 3 months was as hooked on me as I was them.

So the last girl I dated for approximately 4 months and we were building something until she got a call from an old BF and wanted to rethink things.

[Traveler]

Wow, Butterfly, you're scaring me. I dipped my toe in this weekend and 4 women are messaging me! Now I wonder which has a violent ex, which is the stalker, which will ghost me--and who's the normal one? lol.

[Traveler]

Seriously, though, four years ago I went on like over a dozen online dates and none were so bad. The worst made fun stories. Ms Polyamory, for example. I wonder if something has fundamentally changed or the cesspool bit is an area-by-area thing. If my dates turn out to be crazy, I'll just return to offline dating.

[shotgun]

LH19 thank you for your comments. I was hoping there would be others interested in the topic. As far as relationships, I haven't fallen in love. I have met many ladies in six years. Most of them were single. There are those who are in a relationship who are willing to do the absurd. Thankfully I have managed to avoid that trap. I do find that the odds tilt in men's favor as we age. Numerically we have an advantage with older ladies and having one's life in relative order draws attention. Part of my intent here is to encourage men. I cannot speak from the women's perspective but hope that everyone finds peace.

My ex? I have no idea what her life is like. She had a man on the side during the marriage but I don't know if they are still an item. Ultimately she did me a favor by ending the marriage. Something that I would have never done. At this point I am kind of living like a teenager. At least doing the things I should have been as a young man when it comes to dating. Meeting women. Going on dates. Keeping an open mind and keeping my expectations low.