Hey DRH, I've been meaning to write this for a while but just haven't had the time.
Reading your sitch, especially this latest thread, I can identify with pretty much 99% of what you've said has happened, its all very, very familiar. I find a lot of comfort in knowing that someone is going through what I am, it makes it easier to accept that this can't be all my fault (as I am being told). I too have struggled with wanting to know why, but have come to accept that I will never know. Even more helpful is when I try and envision getting the why, and seeing that it doesn't really solve anything anyway. My family has still been broken up, my trust has still been broken and I still feel very betrayed. Knowing why won't make that all better.
Keep posting, this room has slowed down of late, would be a shame to lose everyone here.
Me: 41 W:42 T: 14 M: 11 S: 6
"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
The stress has finally got to me and I was diagnosed as a pre-diabetic. Most of my blood work was flagged. I can still turn this around and prevent a type I or type II diagnosis.
I need to work out more and take better care of myself. I have a bunch of DIY projects and a book I'm writing so I'm not sitting at home feeling sorry for myself.
WW is giving me a lot of issues. I was the last to know that she was moving to Pennsylvania although it is a few more miles for me to go get them. Under NJ law she is supposed to ask my permission to move them out of state and refuses to do it telling me I can get my lawyer to contact her.
My youngest daughter graduates middle school next month and I had told WW I was taking her and her sister out for dinner after the graduation. She knew this. Yesterday evening I get an email saying she wants to take her out for dinner as I am already celebrating with a graduation party that weekend. I told her my daughter doesn't want anyone at her party other than her sister and I due to her social anxiety and the stress induced by the pandemic. It may as well be a party of one.
When sandi mentioned the ugliness of a WW, boy am I seeing it. Like she is possessed by something. The way she is behaving is so opposite of the wife and mother she used to be.
Sorry Drh. I know she's a lot of trouble for you. It's a very stressful situation and it is exacerbated by not having ground rules in place. If you had a child care plan on place then it would be clear who's night it was and who could take her to dinner after the ceremony.
But Drh I'm going to give you the same advice I give to LBSs in similar situations. The importance should be placed on the reason and event not the day. In other words, taking your daughter to dinner doesn't have to be on the same night as the ceremony. If your STBXW is insisting on that night, and there is no clear cut claim (child care agreement), then just choose another night to do the exact same thing.
People put so much emphasis on the day, whether holiday, birthday, or other special occasion. The importance is on spending time with and celebrating with your D. My W is a child of D'd parents and even to this day her parents "fight" over her time on special occasions like this. It makes her life, and the celebration of those events miserable. She hates Christmas to this day because of it. Don't do that to your kids, even if it means always being the one to give ground. They'll thank you for it later.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Sorry Drh. I know she's a lot of trouble for you. It's a very stressful situation and it is exacerbated by not having ground rules in place. If you had a child care plan on place then it would be clear who's night it was and who could take her to dinner after the ceremony.
But Drh I'm going to give you the same advice I give to LBSs in similar situations. The importance should be placed on the reason and event not the day. In other words, taking your daughter to dinner doesn't have to be on the same night as the ceremony. If your STBXW is insisting on that night, and there is no clear cut claim (child care agreement), then just choose another night to do the exact same thing.
People put so much emphasis on the day, whether holiday, birthday, or other special occasion. The importance is on spending time with and celebrating with your D. My W is a child of D'd parents and even to this day her parents "fight" over her time on special occasions like this. It makes her life, and the celebration of those events miserable. She hates Christmas to this day because of it. Don't do that to your kids, even if it means always being the one to give ground. They'll thank you for it later.
Hey Steve, thanks for your reply. It's very difficult decision. If I constantly capitulate to WW where are the consequences for her wayward behavior? She just gets away with everything. On the other hand you have a point. It's a delicate balance to find. I even gave a bit of ground by telling WW by I could cut the dinner short and she could take my daughter out for dessert but she didn't want that.
I forgot to add, the divorce agreement states that the girls are with me Monday after school thru Friday after school and she has them Fri evening and drops them off Monday morning at school though since the girls are full time remote I have allowed my youngest daughter to get an extra morning with her.
Sorry Drh. I know she's a lot of trouble for you. It's a very stressful situation and it is exacerbated by not having ground rules in place. If you had a child care plan on place then it would be clear who's night it was and who could take her to dinner after the ceremony.
But Drh I'm going to give you the same advice I give to LBSs in similar situations. The importance should be placed on the reason and event not the day. In other words, taking your daughter to dinner doesn't have to be on the same night as the ceremony. If your STBXW is insisting on that night, and there is no clear cut claim (child care agreement), then just choose another night to do the exact same thing.
People put so much emphasis on the day, whether holiday, birthday, or other special occasion. The importance is on spending time with and celebrating with your D. My W is a child of D'd parents and even to this day her parents "fight" over her time on special occasions like this. It makes her life, and the celebration of those events miserable. She hates Christmas to this day because of it. Don't do that to your kids, even if it means always being the one to give ground. They'll thank you for it later.
Hey Steve, thanks for your reply. It's very difficult decision. If I constantly capitulate to WW where are the consequences for her wayward behavior? She just gets away with everything. On the other hand you have a point. It's a delicate balance to find. I even gave a bit of ground by telling WW by I could cut the dinner short and she could take my daughter out for dessert but she didn't want that.
I forgot to add, the divorce agreement states that the girls are with me Monday after school thru Friday after school and she has them Fri evening and drops them off Monday morning at school though since the girls are full time remote I have allowed my youngest daughter to get an extra morning with her.
If you have an agreement, and that's your night, then stand your ground.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Three months after meeting OM on a dating website, she created a "vision board" or what I call a "delusion board" that she hung on her bedroom wall. Anyone could see it and my kids went in her room all the time. I can only imagine what they thought.
She did this in the house you both lived in, with the teenaged kids around who could read it? That is crazy. My wife was lying and deceitful but at least she TRIED (albeit unsuccessfully) to hide it.
Your children are in their teenage years so I imagine they observe and have opinions on much more than my 6yo/2yo. Are they talking to you about their feelings? Are you discussing how this situation is impacting them and how they feel about it? Don't think you should be railing on their mom to them, but also think it's important to be a safe space to allow them to open up and share their feelings, and even at their age get their opinions on some of the decisions.
Originally Posted by Drh2001
She was told by a psychic that "she wouldn't be "single" for long" and recently told me that she and OM "were meant to be."
My W went to a physic multiple times as well to "figure out what's going on with her life"....while I was meeting with counsels and our priest. Not sure if she even knows I know, but her mom encouraged it. Nutty.
Originally Posted by LH19
Dude your EXW is a kook. Do yourself a favor and run as fast as you can in the opposite direction.
Originally Posted by Thornton
Agree with LH.
Your WW is not one I would encourage you to reconcile with. She comes across as incredibly impulsive and selfish.
^Agreed!!!
Originally Posted by Drh2001
The stress has finally got to me and I was diagnosed as a pre-diabetic. Most of my blood work was flagged. I can still turn this around and prevent a type I or type II diagnosis.
I need to work out more and take better care of myself. I have a bunch of DIY projects and a book I'm writing so I'm not sitting at home feeling sorry for myself.
Take care of yourself first and foremost so you can take care of your children!
Originally Posted by Drh2001
WW is giving me a lot of issues. I was the last to know that she was moving to Pennsylvania although it is a few more miles for me to go get them. Under NJ law she is supposed to ask my permission to move them out of state and refuses to do it telling me I can get my lawyer to contact her.
Sounds like you're near the PA/NJ border, but can your wife move out of state without impacting the custody agreement? Both your kids are still in school, correct? I don't know about NJ, but we have an agreement where the kids remain in the school district unless both of us agree otherwise. If one parent moves out of the district the kids remain going to that district. I would think most courts and states would have issue with one parent moving out of state, and give the benefit of the doubt to the parent staying in the school district (for the kids' benefit). You may want to address that with your L.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
WW refused to discuss getting my consent to move the kids to PA. A friend of mine suggested that the reason for this is that it brings her back into my life and because she is in "complete rebellion" as sandi mentioned once, she does not want to ask for "my permission"
My attorney told me that a parent, regardless of primary residency, needs the consent of the other parent AND the court.
I told WW this and she actually told me she'd get her own attorney. I told her why, since any attorney will tell you the same thing I did. Well later that evening, she asked for my consent, probably because her attorney told her to.
Three months after meeting OM on a dating website, she created a "vision board" or what I call a "delusion board" that she hung on her bedroom wall. Anyone could see it and my kids went in her room all the time. I can only imagine what they thought.
She did this in the house you both lived in, with the teenaged kids around who could read it? That is crazy. My wife was lying and deceitful but at least she TRIED (albeit unsuccessfully) to hide it.
Your children are in their teenage years so I imagine they observe and have opinions on much more than my 6yo/2yo. Are they talking to you about their feelings? Are you discussing how this situation is impacting them and how they feel about it? Don't think you should be railing on their mom to them, but also think it's important to be a safe space to allow them to open up and share their feelings, and even at their age get their opinions on some of the decisions.
Originally Posted by Drh2001
She was told by a psychic that "she wouldn't be "single" for long" and recently told me that she and OM "were meant to be."
My W went to a physic multiple times as well to "figure out what's going on with her life"....while I was meeting with counsels and our priest. Not sure if she even knows I know, but her mom encouraged it. Nutty.
Originally Posted by LH19
Dude your EXW is a kook. Do yourself a favor and run as fast as you can in the opposite direction.
Originally Posted by Thornton
Agree with LH.
Your WW is not one I would encourage you to reconcile with. She comes across as incredibly impulsive and selfish.
^Agreed!!!
Originally Posted by Drh2001
The stress has finally got to me and I was diagnosed as a pre-diabetic. Most of my blood work was flagged. I can still turn this around and prevent a type I or type II diagnosis.
I need to work out more and take better care of myself. I have a bunch of DIY projects and a book I'm writing so I'm not sitting at home feeling sorry for myself.
Take care of yourself first and foremost so you can take care of your children!
Originally Posted by Drh2001
WW is giving me a lot of issues. I was the last to know that she was moving to Pennsylvania although it is a few more miles for me to go get them. Under NJ law she is supposed to ask my permission to move them out of state and refuses to do it telling me I can get my lawyer to contact her.
Sounds like you're near the PA/NJ border, but can your wife move out of state without impacting the custody agreement? Both your kids are still in school, correct? I don't know about NJ, but we have an agreement where the kids remain in the school district unless both of us agree otherwise. If one parent moves out of the district the kids remain going to that district. I would think most courts and states would have issue with one parent moving out of state, and give the benefit of the doubt to the parent staying in the school district (for the kids' benefit). You may want to address that with your L.
Hi BL42, thanks for your comments. I'm about half an hour from the PA border. She needs my consent and that of the court. I gave her my consent after she finally contacted an attorney, who told her what I said. WW and OM bought the house last month. I was the last to know they were moving to PA. Both my kids are in school (though full time virtual remote) and they live with me during the school week and she gets them for long weekends.
She was lamenting the other day how my eldest daughter only "visits" her and doesn't seem to want to stay there for any length of time.
I love it! WW think they can just do whatever they want. I take a lot of pleasure in seeing a WS get hit in the face with reality.
What was your answer?
I gave consent. WW and OM already bought the house (though I don't know if she is on the title). There's not much I can do except delay the inevitable at great expense. Plus we have an uncontested divorce working its way through the system so I don't want to do anything to aggravate that.
My friend said she had to swallow a lot of pride to finally ask me as before she said it's not open for discussion and to get my lawyer to contact her lawyer.
