She's OUT! #7

[Mumin]

Hi All, and OB i hade seen your post. I have been trying to stay away from here and I am contemplating a ban for myself for a while. To grow and to let go. I still have anger.
I will get more into it and update more.
General status is same except apparently OM is sleeping over while kids are at XWs place.
Me - So at moms you get to eat breakfast in front of the TV every day?
D6 - Almost, except for when OM is there.

Anyway, I wanted to get some input from the wisdom of the board.
D3 is turning four in a bit over a week and I asked XW about hosting a small party for D3s closest friends.
(Last year I did everything and XW didn�t have the guts to show up.)
She suggested having the party at the house (my house) and being outside if the weather permits it.
She also said D3 wants us both to be there.
I basically said I will think about what�s best and that I will ask D3 who she wants to be there.
How have you great ppl handled similar situations?
I�d prefer not being with XW, though will definitely listen mostly to D3s wishes.
Simultaneously I am almost certain XW won�t want specific ppl to come. My parents for instance.
Certain friends will also make her very uncomfortable.
My house my rules I guess. I won�t ask her what she thinks and I sure as hell won�t allow OM here.

Also a tip. Meditation app, �waking up�.
I finally understand meditation!

[BL42]

Mumin,

General status is same except apparently OM is sleeping over while kids are at XWs place.
Me - So at moms you get to eat breakfast in front of the TV every day?
D6 - Almost, except for when OM is there.

Unfortunately sounds very familiar :-(

D3 is turning four in a bit over a week and I asked XW about hosting a small party for D3s closest friends.
(Last year I did everything and XW didn�t have the guts to show up.)
She suggested having the party at the house (my house) and being outside if the weather permits it.
She also said D3 wants us both to be there.
I basically said I will think about what�s best and that I will ask D3 who she wants to be there.
How have you great ppl handled similar situations?
I�d prefer not being with XW, though will definitely listen mostly to D3s wishes.
Simultaneously I am almost certain XW won�t want specific ppl to come. My parents for instance.
Certain friends will also make her very uncomfortable.
My house my rules I guess. I won�t ask her what she thinks and I sure as hell won�t allow OM here.

My W initially said she wanted to do birthdays and holidays and going out for ice cream together, but that all changed as soon as she moved out and had OM2 over at my daughter's 2nd birthday...not that I wanted to do them together anyway. We've been doing things separately, and that's fine by me - less stress/drama/anxiety without worry about W, M-I-L, OM2. I saw do your own thing and make it great for D3. Unfortunately she'll have to get used to doing things separately - that's divorce - but she'll have fun anyway. My S5 and D2 weren't sad at my parties for them because their mom wasn't there, and imagine they weren't sad at their mother's parties for them either (with me not there). They enjoyed both.

[Traveler]

I will ask D3 who she wants to be there. Simultaneously I am almost certain XW won�t want specific ppl to come. My parents for instance. Certain friends will also make her very uncomfortable.

Sounds complicated. She's not your W, so you don't have to negotiate so much.

I celebrate my D's birthday at my house in the way and with the guests I and D want, my XW celebrates D's birthday at her house in the way and with the guests she and D wants. Our custody schedule alternates who holds the "public" party each year--so friends don't have to choose sides.

XW hasn't entered my home since D. It's me and my kids' home, not some shared home.

[SteveLW]

Hi All, and OB i hade seen your post. I have been trying to stay away from here and I am contemplating a ban for myself for a while. To grow and to let go. I still have anger.
I will get more into it and update more.
General status is same except apparently OM is sleeping over while kids are at XWs place.
Me - So at moms you get to eat breakfast in front of the TV every day?
D6 - Almost, except for when OM is there.

Anyway, I wanted to get some input from the wisdom of the board.
D3 is turning four in a bit over a week and I asked XW about hosting a small party for D3s closest friends.
(Last year I did everything and XW didn�t have the guts to show up.)
She suggested having the party at the house (my house) and being outside if the weather permits it.
She also said D3 wants us both to be there.
I basically said I will think about what�s best and that I will ask D3 who she wants to be there.
How have you great ppl handled similar situations?
I�d prefer not being with XW, though will definitely listen mostly to D3s wishes.
Simultaneously I am almost certain XW won�t want specific ppl to come. My parents for instance.
Certain friends will also make her very uncomfortable.
My house my rules I guess. I won�t ask her what she thinks and I sure as hell won�t allow OM here.

Also a tip. Meditation app, �waking up�.
I finally understand meditation!

In my experience, being able to attend joint events for children is an important part of co-parenting. Obviously this can be difficult early on in a split when emotions and feelings are still raw. So I understand your concern related to not wanting to be with XW. But your comment about:

"Simultaneously I am almost certain XW won�t want specific ppl to come. My parents for instance.
Certain friends will also make her very uncomfortable.
My house my rules I guess. I won�t ask her what she thinks and I sure as hell won�t allow OM here."

So when does this start being about D3 and stop being about what XW is comfortable with or what you are comfortable with? This is a 4 year-old birthday party so it isn't as important of an event, but there will be many future events where you and your XW have to be able to attend, with your respective significant others, that will require you both to be grownups about supporting your daughter, not ruining the event for her, and understanding that her interests and well-being is more important than either of yours. Things like Sweet 16 birthday party, graduation from high school and college, her wedding, etc. It is unrealistic that in the future, if your XW ends up marrying OM, that you will never be at an event for your kids that XW and OM won't be also present at.

My W has had a life-long issue with trying to juggle events like this between her mom and her dad who divorced when she was 8 years old. The first 15-20 years of her life were ruined by her parents not being able to coexist and get along at various events of hers. Our wedding was the first time they both attended an event and didn't have a incident, and even then it was a very tense, uncomfortable situation having them both there.

Don't do that to your kids. Be the bigger person. Don't forget that this is her birthday, or it is her graduation, or that it is her wedding, and make it the most joyous occasion that you possibly can......FOR HER.

[OnlyBent]

Where you at Mumin?

[BL42]

How's it going Mumin? Care to share an update?

[Mumin]

For info. This time Ive seen the post BL and Im working on a real update but it ended up taking more time than I had.
In one word Im doing Good. Thank you for asking!

[Mumin]

Hi all, and thanks for checking in BL and OB!
It really has been a long time since I posted. Had to re-read my latest posts to remember. Which I consider a good thing, btw.

Laughed hard when re-reading this from unchien:

“I agree with the others that your boundaries will be tested. If you've ever seen "Jurassic Park", I like to think of my X as one of those velociraptors constantly throwing themselves into the electrified fence, just to test that it is still juiced. Boundaries require consistency over time. Kids do the same thing.”

In short I have been living a really good life, sure covid [censored] but I have managed real well in 2021. Excelling at work, excelling in the gym (235 workouts last year), dated/talked to a few women (one exclusive for a few months), building some stuff at home and really spending quality time with the kids every other week.
So yeah, I dated a girl and it was actually great. Though I ended it because I didn’t really feel that strong of a connection and she was sort of in a hurry. Hurry to define our R, hurry to talk about kids etc Which I am definitely not. She was also recently divorced but had no kids so the compatibility wasn’t great I guess. She did say I was the best she ever had and wished me well, so we ended on good terms.

I feel I still have a lot to consider for myself and think about. Do I ever actually want more kids? Do I even want to get married again? Where do I want to be in 10 years?
Not that I need to completely decide and be final about it, but I need to have my priorities set and
a "game plan". I realized this during dating.


Status with XW is in general good.
On average I would say we communicate 1-3 times per week. That is more than I thought it would be but its only about the kids, coordinating quarantines, change of days, school etc
It doesn’t bother me anymore, so the frequency isn’t really a problem. I have learned what I can’t control and when it is time to voice my opinion.
I believe she isn’t feeling great and perhaps the grass wasn’t perfectly green on the other side. However, given her way of corresponding she seems to have moved on from me and is (probably) relatively happy with how things turned out. Though that’s just my guess.
I am +99% certain I saw XW on tinder, though (to my knowledge) OM is still very much in the picture. She used the word “slut” to describe herself…

She has however come around more and more to caring for the kids and doing her “duty” as a parent which is great. Initially my mental reflex was “OH, so now you care??!!!” but today it just makes me happy to see she cares. XW’s parents couldn’t even look at each other after their divorce, and still can’t. Initially I wasn’t sure if we might end up like that but now I am glad we are heading in a much better direction.

Where am I with XW and the divorce?
I set a few goals for the year and one is to COMPLETLEY let her go. I mostly have but as with any long-term love I can’t just forget about her. It's always been that way for me with GFs. I know, most of you might say “STILL??!”. But yeah, some unconscious part of me misses her and what we had from time to time.
The most notable situation for me was when I picked up the kids to celebrate Christmas with my family and they started telling me about how they celebrated Christmas day with OM and his family. I wasn’t aware they were going to do that and that really hit me hard. Not a great way to start a 5 hour drive.
Though to be clear, mostly I am doing real great and continue to move forward.

My change/growth isnt as strong a year ago. Life catches up to you I guess, and I don’t have that “burning platform” anymore.
Sort of babbling on here, but yeah you wanted an update.
I am however currently listening to “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck” which is amusing and a good reminder of some of the concepts I already learned here.

Hope veryone that supported me are doing great and again, THANK YOU!

[SteveLW]

Where am I with XW and the divorce?
I set a few goals for the year and one is to COMPLETLEY let her go. I mostly have but as with any long-term love I can’t just forget about her. It's always been that way for me with GFs. I know, most of you might say “STILL??!”. But yeah, some unconscious part of me misses her and what we had from time to time.

Mumin, one correction. You do not miss her; you miss who she used to be. That version of her is gone, maybe forever. You need to switch your thinking here from "I miss her and want her to come back" to thinking about her more as if she had passed on. "I can't be with her ever again, but I still miss the good times that we had in the past."

Subtle but important difference. LBSs that proceed as if there is still a chance (insert the 1 in a million scene here from Dumb and Dumber!), have a tough time letting go. LBSs that move forward mourning what they have lost in terms that it is never coming back get over the "letting go completely" issue much quicker.

But we get it! It was a long relationship; it isn't like a switch you can turn on and off. But maybe looking at it as more mourning a loss, as opposed to hoping to get something back, will help you a bit.

[LH19]

In short I have been living a really good life, sure covid [censored] but I have managed real well in 2021. Excelling at work, excelling in the gym (235 workouts last year), dated/talked to a few women (one exclusive for a few months), building some stuff at home and really spending quality time with the kids every other week.

Excellent!

So yeah, I dated a girl and it was actually great. Though I ended it because I didn’t really feel that strong of a connection and she was sort of in a hurry. Hurry to define our R, hurry to talk about kids etc Which I am definitely not.

I just had the same thing happened to me. It just means she's not the one.

She did say I was the best she ever had and wished me well, so we ended on good terms.

You dawg you!

I feel I still have a lot to consider for myself and think about. Do I ever actually want more kids? Do I even want to get married again? Where do I want to be in 10 years?
Not that I need to completely decide and be final about it, but I need to have my priorities set and
a "game plan". I realized this during dating.

Not decisions that need to be made anytime soon.

I am +99% certain I saw XW on tinder, though (to my knowledge) OM is still very much in the picture.

Your Ex is the all time monkey brancher!

She used the word “slut” to describe herself…

Spit my coffee

I set a few goals for the year and one is to COMPLETLEY let her go. I mostly have but as with any long-term love I can’t just forget about her. It's always been that way for me with GFs. I know, most of you might say “STILL??!”. But yeah, some unconscious part of me misses her and what we had from time to time.

Dude it's ok. I don't miss my ex per se but I sometimes miss the family we had. Nothing wrong with that.

The most notable situation for me was when I picked up the kids to celebrate Christmas with my family and they started telling me about how they celebrated Christmas day with OM and his family. I wasn’t aware they were going to do that and that really hit me hard. Not a great way to start a 5 hour drive.

Those things are tough and will be for awhile. Maybe always.

My change/growth isnt as strong a year ago. Life catches up to you I guess, and I don’t have that “burning platform” anymore.

It goes in spurts. After awhile you get burnt out and need to take a break and then you start up again.

You are doing great! Chin up and tits out!