Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 11 1 2 3 10 11
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 3,730
Likes: 16
C
Member
OP Online
Member
C
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 3,730
Likes: 16
Previous Thread:
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2917054&page=11

I've always been a romantic and adventurous spirit who enjoy traveling the country and being active outdoors. 11yrs ago I was a WAH, divorcing an ex-wife who was clinically depressed for 1.5yrs and not seeking help. I left with my D16 and S11. I had a 5-year rebound with someone I saw no future with. Then I met my ex-GF--a world-class athlete who clicked with me on so many levels, except she kept blowing up and breaking up. I'm finally learning to be alone.

kml, Dawn, Deja - Thank you. It's a learning experience. I'm proud I stood up for my hike. I agree she didn't represent her abilities well, and as Andrew notes, that isn't uncommon. I'll get better at vetting people, and grant a bit less trust in the future (e.g., spend more than 2hrs together before a 4-day weekend).

MsMyPeaks and I had many differences even without the above. The 10-mi hike was actually 9.5-mi. She stopped 0.25mi from what others described as an amazing destination because her feet hurt. I said I'd jog ahead and get photos, and she said if I left her alone 15 minutes that would make her feel terrified. Later, turning down seeing one of the world's oldest trees, she said "There's more than 1 type of pine tree? They all look the same to me." She was uncomfortable when I climbed 50' up/down a waterfall for a photo. It was a 5.2 (easy) climb where I had 3 points of contact at all times and my exposure was no more than a 6' fall. I suspect even without me insisting on my hike, we would not have ended up fast friends.

My ex-wife and I continue on a good path. She gave me a hug on my birthday. [We usually hug once a year on Christmas]. I felt sniffly the evening after coming home, so I got a COVID test and offered to send my kids to my ex-wife. She declined--said they'd already spent 2 hours with me so that'd just add more exposures. She seemed concerned about how I felt (separate from the kids), and checked-in on me last night, too. [I used a campground shower 2x and MsMyPeaks used it 4x. Those were probably my dumbbest moves since the pandemic started, especially given my weakened immune system after completing endurance hikes.]



Joined: Oct 2020
Posts: 585
Likes: 1
O
Member
Online
Member
O
Joined: Oct 2020
Posts: 585
Likes: 1
Have to say I really enjoy the honesty in your posts C-dub.

May I ask, why did you stay 5 years in the rebound if you saw no future?


Me: 40 W:41
T: 14 M: 11
S: 5

BD & OM Jun 2020
W moves out Aug 2020

"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 3,730
Likes: 16
C
Member
OP Online
Member
C
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 3,730
Likes: 16
Hi OnlyBent,

I'll start by noting the last year and a half of my marriage had been rough and almost all childcare was done by me or a nanny. I suddenly had a new place, my kids every day, and no $$$ for a nanny. After several months of poor "luck" dating, I lost weight and had my pick. I was dating 4 women, 3 who wanted to marry me, 2 who'd bought me trips (flight/lodging/activity!) and been intimate with me. The ladies pushed me to choose. I chose TheRebound.

3 months in, I caught feelings. I wrote a friend how upset this made me.

6 months in, I needed her. My son was now in a full body cast (thanks, XW) and she (a nurse) helped me with his care, plus babysitting odds and ends that force others to turn to family or pay outside help.

3 years in, I felt guilty. She'd done so much--I felt I should be able to make this relationship work. I sought individual and couples' therapists. They all said love at some level was essential and I didn't feel that.

5 years in, my resentment was high, we got drunk, and I said some mean things that ended things for good.



Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 3,730
Likes: 16
C
Member
OP Online
Member
C
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 3,730
Likes: 16
PS - I feel better and got a negative COVID test result. (:



Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 3,730
Likes: 16
C
Member
OP Online
Member
C
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 3,730
Likes: 16
Takeaways:

* Don't linger so long in casual relationships that you develop deep feelings. You don't want to get stuck with a poor match because they own a moving truck or look sexy in black leather boots.

* Have the guts like many here to walk away from mediocre relationships--the kind your friends recommend against. If it's been great, or could be great, work on it but set a time limit to reassess.



Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 3,899
Likes: 4
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 3,899
Likes: 4
Originally Posted by CWarrior
* Don't linger so long in casual relationships that you develop deep feelings. You don't want to get stuck with a poor match because they own a moving truck or look sexy in black leather boots.
Or because they think that you are fabulous and what they have been waiting for.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 3,730
Likes: 16
C
Member
OP Online
Member
C
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 3,730
Likes: 16
Thoughts for my Ex-GF: "I couldn't believe that night you were so upset you asked me to leave, then broke up with me. You told me I was your forever love. I loved you. I believed in us. I thought in the morning, a day later, that weekend you'd tell me it was MS anger or a real issue we'd discuss and work through together with the tools we'd learned in therapy. I respect you don't want me as a partner. I'd fight for my loved ones to the end of the earth, but I won't try to convince anyone to stay with me."

Yes, writing them here instead of e-mailing them. My ex-GF e-mailed me asking if I'd received her texts. I have not received any texts from her in months. Talking myself down from a lengthy reply. I know my reply should probably be somewhere between NC and "I haven't received any texts from you since <date>".

What's triggering these feelings? Her singing "love". Her asking me about going to a singles event. I guess my experience last weekend--it's not easy finding outdoor activity partners experienced like me. wink



Joined: Oct 2020
Posts: 585
Likes: 1
O
Member
Online
Member
O
Joined: Oct 2020
Posts: 585
Likes: 1
I think your reply should be straight up NC.

My guess is that the negative experience with the hike probably stirred up thoughts of the ex-gf.


Me: 40 W:41
T: 14 M: 11
S: 5

BD & OM Jun 2020
W moves out Aug 2020

"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 3,899
Likes: 4
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 3,899
Likes: 4
One thing that I've learned over the past number of years is that you are under no obligation to engage with people just because they want to engage with you. There's a wide swath of people who I just ignore. Burn me, I don't stick my hand out to be burned again.

You would get nothing from engaging with your ex-gf beyond pain. She and you may be looking for some sort of closure or reaction - you lose nothing by just holding your head high and moving forward.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 3,730
Likes: 16
C
Member
OP Online
Member
C
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 3,730
Likes: 16
OnlyBent, you're probably right. My first camping trip and road trip without my ex, comparisons of what went better and worse, the tension, the need to set boundaries to ensure my desires were honored.

Andrew, NC is correct, and "Why?!" Is that elusive closure question we never fully know the answer to. I have no desire to touch the oven again. Except make chili! Yes, pick up ground beef when I get my kids. (:



Page 1 of 11 1 2 3 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

Link Copied to Clipboard