Congrats on the steps you have taken so far. This journey takes a while. And we grow as we move forward. You are doing as AS would say and lovingly detaching. Being detach doesn't have to be mean and a person feels when you are truly detached from them, mean or not. Really if you are being mean, than you are not detached. But rather if you are treating them like any other regular person in your life, than you have truly reached detachment. So if you are a pleasant person, being pleasant is a place where your emotions are not attached to their actions. That's true detachment.
If you are detaching correctly their will be a moment when your WW realize, you are treating her like a regular person in your life and she no longer holds a priority in your head space. That's a hard place for a lot of WW/WS, that's used to controlling their LBS emotions and actions. Losing power no matter the form can be very devastating.
A detached Steve would respond to a WW call like this:
WW: Calling Steve: Hello WW: Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, Steve: Oh ok, are the kids Ok? WW: Yes, but, blah blah, me, blah blah, my day, blah blah, blah, your son, blah blah, Steve: Well, I'm glad to hear to kids are ok, you have a good rest of your day. Hang up
You weren't mean, you listened, you didn't interject, and you asked the important questions.
You are doing good. Keep up the hardwork. Keep reading AS rules for lovingly detaching.
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
“Having a calm demeanor and living a relatively peaceful and relaxed life helps you make the best and most efficient decisions and helps maintain optimum health. Being angry, frustrated, fearful, stressed and arguing with others is literally toxic to your body and overall health. Our decisions and actions while being in a fearful and angry state tend to bring about more anger, stress, difficulty and chaos. Displaying weakness and not standing up for ourselves invites more aggression, conflict and drama from others. No one will ever do or say anything to you that you don’t invite them to do. Set and enforce healthy boundaries when people don’t treat you how you want to be treated. Otherwise, you are simply inviting others to continue abusing you.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
Hanging out a lot with friends from work, 3 of my buddies going through nursing school, having them over to study. Working a lot and just passing the time in between with my kids. I took a vacation time this week. Went over to the coast fishing, spent time with my sister, went and saw my uncles I hadn’t seen In almost 2 years. And I visited my grandmother’s grave and sort of unloaded all the stuff that has happened on her. She was my favorite person in the world.
In the meantime ww and I don’t talk. It’s business only, just kids. Once in awhile she will call but I don’t answer. I will only text regarding kids. She has been better about it because I told her if she acts disrespectfully I won’t deal with her or even respond. She told me recently she got a new job, bar tending at a night club....so she will be working weeknights there..
I pretty much had a moment of real sadness with my grandmother. I accepted that as much as I love my ww we can never be back together, she will never love and respect me the way I deserve there is just far too much damage to fix and I cannot live the rest of my life looking over my shoulder, I’ll never be able to trust her. It was something I been working on accepting. And I have. I will tell her I will be moving the D forward, there really is no fixing this. Not sure when exactly but soon. [censored] breaking down my family but there just is no way to live with a woman who doesn’t respect, value or admire me as a man and husband and father. My WW never will. And that’s why I hardly speak to her for the past two weeks. Even if she told me she would change everything, I don’t think I could believe her. And honestly I am okay with it. There will be someone who loves me totally out there one day.
T:11 M:10 K: D5, S7 BD: 9/1/20 WW continues to break up and recon with OM. I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021 Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21. Glad my D was not busted.
Oh boy putting your stbx in a night club is like putting a kid in a candy store. So Steve some good things here but you’re still lying to yourself and going to try some more manipulation. If you were done you would just push the d forward. Also your stbx doesn’t respect you because you don’t respect yourself.
I will tell her I will be moving the D forward, there really is no fixing this. Not sure when exactly but soon.
That’s called an R-talk—“Look at me! I’m still attached despite 7 affairs. Act fast! Pressure pressure.” . When you’re ready to move on, you’ll take the action of initiating D, rather than initiate yet another R talk.
Originally Posted by Steve
I visited my grandmother’s grave and sort of unloaded all the stuff that has happened on her.
Thats great—working out some feelings. A key difference between venting to her vs. a therapist is a therapist will ask questions and challenge your thought errors. This is very positive, though, Steve. Great stuff!
Quote
She told me recently she got a new job, bar tending at a night club....so she will be working weeknights there..
For you, this is a legal job, that’s great! Her illegal job that you knew but didn’t name or report could have put your custody in jeopardy. For her, this allows her to combine working and meeting men. Like most changes, there are pros and cons, things to celebrate and things to lament.
Originally Posted by Steve
There will be someone who loves me totally out there one day.
Do you realize, that someone is you? Steve, you have a long way to get there, but you’re like a doormat to your STBXW only because you accept that treatment. Most of us would not accept her treatment. If you fix that, you will either be happily single or more likely find a partner who treats you well.
Agree with CW. Talking is meaningless. Just act. Do or don'ot do, there is no talking. At least there shouldn't be any talk. Talk has got you no where at this point. All that counts is what you do or don't do. Do things that move you forward. Don't do things that set you back.
I like the last update otherwise!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
“Love cannot exist where there is no trust. In all relationships, trust is the hardest thing to earn and the easiest thing to lose. Habitual liars incorrectly learned early on in life that in order to survive, they must lie to and deceive others. The only way they feel safe is to lie. This is obviously a problem for most normal people who simply won’t put up with being lied to and deceived. Great teammates are loyal and honest with one another. They’re in it to win it, together. The likelihood that a dishonest person becomes an honest and loyal person is simply not a good statistical probability. People don’t change who they are, but they may become a better version of themselves.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
I told you guys I really felt it. I know I have said it before and before it was a game or some manipulation crap. But when I sat there with my grandmothers grave I knew I needed to move on.
I went to the lawyer and filed the divorce it was all done I just needed to pay the filing fee. I did that this morning. I also blocked WW from my Snapchat, Facebook and Instagram. Mostly because I don’t want to see her wild reaction she will flaunt at me to punish me for doing that. The D is over, it’s all final, the terms and everything solid and good terms. And the judgment will be stamped and sent back to me in a couple months if that. The ww exploded on me of course and said “I will go back to OM!” And “I will go F 10 guys and send you pictures” and “I will take the kids from you and I will hurt you so bad so much you will Jill yourself” just went off and off and off.
I did ask her one final time if she was sure she didn’t want to fix this. That’s when the threats came, that tells me she wants to be single to sew her oats and so on but didn’t want to be the one who “ended” it. That’s fine.. I did
Her sister called me up and told me good job on blocking her.. that it really messed with her head.. I told her that I finished the D and I’m done, I am not going back, I deserve better and I put a lot into my relationship, I have so much to give to the right person but she will never respect or love me like I deserve. I told her sister that maybe years down the road if we are still single and she gets her life right but I cannot deal with this, 7 months of holding on and trying only to get disrespect and lies. Her sister was very sad but understood and her husband also was in the background telling me I did the right thing. They both told me they loved me, apologized for my WW and said they hope I find someone who treats me right.
It was hard to do to accept my nuclear family is over, but I kept thinking about the damage she did, the lies, the affairs all of it and how that will never change or at least not for years.. so I stayed strong and filed it. WW ended up texting me back and apology and said she agreed it was time for us To move on. And that was that.
T:11 M:10 K: D5, S7 BD: 9/1/20 WW continues to break up and recon with OM. I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021 Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21. Glad my D was not busted.
Steve great job getting in done. Unfortunately you will tied to her for a really long time and she is likely to try to make your life miserable. Easily hands down the worst WW I have encountered on this board. Steve she’s never going to change ever! Maybe in her 90s. Your best hope is she latches on to some other dude. It’s going to be a rough ride for awhile. Stay strong!
