Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 3 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 10 11
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 313
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 313
Originally Posted by ScottB


...

After the night was over I did send her a text.

"I have so much to say to you that will never be said. I still have feelings for you, and those are mine to work through. I do hope you find your happiness."

Why'd I send it and what did I expect back?
I got nothing back, which was expected. I guess I sent it so that she would know she still has a chance. Its closing, but there is still a small window. It was a combination of a warning that the window is closing, while also letting her know there is an open door.


I say this as someone who is guilty of similar (as many of us here probably are): Make sure you know you wrote this for yourself, not as informational for her, because you needed her to know you still have feelings, for whatever reason. She doesn't need to know whether the door is open or not...she didn't need your permission to leave the M, she doesn't need it to try and come back. I believe if she wants to come back she will make it clear to you. Only then do you need to decide if the window is closed or not. But as LH indicates, any R needs to come with conditions and ground rules, or else she's going to see that she can do anything she wants in the M and all this is probably going to happen again.

Like Vapo said, healing yourself without worrying about her is now your top priority (along with being a good dad of course). Drop the rope. Easier said than done I know. Hang in there.


Me: 43 W: 41
Together 2009, Married 2011
Sons 10 and 6, Daughter 5
Bomb 2/21/21. W moved out 10/2021
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,481
Likes: 66
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,481
Likes: 66
Originally Posted by ScottB

1) I went to a friendly dinner with a woman. It was a lot of fun. Grabbed dinner at 6:45p and ended up closing the place down. This woman is looking to get married and have kids but is new to the area. I was very clear that I am not looking for any kind of a relationship. We met through a friend, and I was bored and just called her up to go to dinner. It was fun, I don't think anything much more will come of it.

Being older and going out is definitely different. I picked up on a lot of the little things that she dropped that in my opinion were tests. Like "well you don't want to have kids, do you?" It was kind of funny and it was fun.


Originally Posted by ScottB

But emotionally I was surprised that I still do have feelings for her. I'll continue to work through them and they're not the crazy feelings that make me want to pull all the stops out and try to save this thing - I just find it odd how my logic and feelings are at such odds - and I think that's something good to be aware of. I think it probably helps me process my anger at times and other things that are happening.

After the night was over I did send her a text.

"I have so much to say to you that will never be said. I still have feelings for you, and those are mine to work through. I do hope you find your happiness."

Why'd I send it and what did I expect back?
I got nothing back, which was expected. I guess I sent it so that she would know she still has a chance.


Those are two quotes I cannot square in my head.

Went on a date.

Still have feelings for your STBXW and want her to know she still as a chance.

I really think LBSs struggle enough without choosing things that further confuse yourself. On #1, there were no male buddies that you could have hung with? I really think a lot of LBHs struggle because they've let their male friendships go by the wayside over the years. Next time you have the urge to ask a woman out, before you've "worked through your feelings for your STBXW" I would highly suggest reaching out to male friends to hang out with instead.


M(52), W(53),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,419
Likes: 27
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,419
Likes: 27
Originally Posted by ScottB
I picked up on a lot of the little things that she dropped that in my opinion were tests. Like "well you don't want to have kids, do you?"
I don't know if I would consider that the kind of test woman do with men.

My example:

Random woman at bar ask: "Will you buy me a drink?"
Man failing the test: "Yes, what would you like?"
Man passing the test: "Absolutely....After you buy me a drink." smile /wink


One simple question determines how supplicating the guy is. Other tests might indicate to her if he a high value or low value guy.





"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,419
Likes: 27
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,419
Likes: 27

The important thing for you to figure out are what tests is your W doing with you and are you passing? Obviously you failed a lot of tests in the past and she decided she wanted to D you. This is where fixing you comes in. You stop behaving in ways that are unattractive to woman. You start behaving in ways that are attractive.

Every interaction with her is an opportunity to pass or fail more tests. Interacting with other woman can be a distraction, or it can be practice. I won't judge you either way.

It is important to get to a point where you interact with your W the same way you would interact with any other single woman. You do this is an attractive male way.

How different are you from when you first showed up here? Does she see you different? Do you? Are you gaining respect? Are you setting boundaries?


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 2,673
O
Member
Offline
Member
O
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 2,673
Quote
After the night was over I did send her a text.

"I have so much to say to you that will never be said. I still have feelings for you, and those are mine to work through. I do hope you find your happiness."


I guess I don't get it, you told her that there are things to say that you won't say? Seems weird to tell her that. Maybe just tell her or don't tell her, you know? But, this is the same gal planning to rake you over the coals in regards to your business right?

Her lawyer is telling her that you are pressuring for a settlement - whether you are or not - so this text could really come off as manipulative. It's safer to assume the worst intentions in a divorce typically.

Quote
So basically everyone knows. That has probably put a lot of miserable pressure on my STBXW over the past 4 years and it will continue to be something she deals with going forward. Other women do not respect cheaters that rip families apart.
Most divorces involve a third party. So, many of the people you were talking to have likely fallen on either side of that. I wouldn't get hung up on it, it's just a fact of life.

I feel for you Scott. This is tough. But you seem to be making progress on detaching from her, so that is great! Keep busy.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 8,537
Likes: 161
L
Member
Online
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 8,537
Likes: 161
Scotty B you win the quote of the day:

To become your most attractive self, you must create a life and lifestyle that makes it easy for you to be happy, smile and find lots of easy ways to laugh, have fun, learn something and enjoy the gift of your life. Everyone loves being around happy, attractive and fun people who are living life to the fullest. Dont look for someone to complete you or make you happy. Become the kind of person who is in great shape, happy being single, having fun by themselves and open to the possibility of finding someone special to share their completeness with. You cant give away what you dont already have for yourself. ~ Coach Corey Wayne


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

“Don’t chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people – the ones who really belong in your life – will come to you. And stay.”
Joined: Nov 2019
Posts: 488
Likes: 8
S
ScottB Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Nov 2019
Posts: 488
Likes: 8
Things continue on.

The divorce is proceeding, which is good. I'm worn out with the days I've got the kids to myself. We have a lot of activities going on right now and its a lot on my own. I feel like work is improving some.

I've gone out on a couple of dates. I met a real nice girl - and I really mean that. She's never been married, no kids, just two years younger. She's really cute, fit, and very successful. Super sweet. Our first time out was not a date, it was just dinner but we ended up talking until they kicked us out at midnight.

She has her pain from her past and I have mine, and we've shared those stories. We've only been out three times, but it has been nice.

The ex is the ex. I try not to see or talk or deal with her, but for the kids sake I feel like I got to balance being an A-hole with my space.

The girl I mentioned above is someone I could probably get serious with, and so I'm trying to take my time and make sure I'm not moving too fast - I did not intend to start something. To be honest, I was more interested in a couple of flings, but this one is pretty good - she could be for real, though the timing isn't great because I do thing I shouldn't jump into anything.

Because of this new woman I can see more holes in my relationship than I had already seen. I was never really able to share my whole self with my ex; there were parts of me that she didn't seem to want to know or understand, and when I would share those parts, the most vulnerable parts she would hurt me with them or accuse me of manipulation.

This new woman seems to accept those parts. She seems to want to know me in a different way, she's curious and kind and seems trustworthy. Now I get it, its soon, etc. etc.; that's not the point. The point is that I can see things and I am learning. And with that learning will come growth. The next woman I'm fully with, I need to make sure that she accepts all of me. Not just the successful, athletic, fit, self but also the other stuff - the more vulnerable creative, parts.
---------------------
Anyhow, I think of you all as friends. You've been very good to me and very kind over the past year and a half since I began posting. I really appreciate what the veterans here do. There were times when I had no one to talk to and this message board was there for me. Thank you. I appreciate all of you.

Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 2,788
Likes: 2
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 2,788
Likes: 2
Hey Scott,

I've been in this situation a few times. Be very careful.

If you haven't healed from your previous relationship, you will naturally and subconsciously attract other broken people.

There's a saying that I think rings true because I've experienced it myself, as have others... broken attracts broken.

Keep your emotional attachment with this new woman in check, it's a very slippery slope.

Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 6,450
Likes: 82
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 6,450
Likes: 82
Ahhhhh, trauma bonding.

Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 8,537
Likes: 161
L
Member
Online
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 8,537
Likes: 161
Originally Posted by ScottB
She has her pain from her past and I have mine, and we've shared those stories. We've only been out three times, but it has been nice.

uuuummmm no! Hangout have fun and hook up.

Originally Posted by ScottB
The ex is the ex. I try not to see or talk or deal with her, but for the kids sake I feel like I got to balance being an A-hole with my space.

Why do you have to be an a-hole? Because you professed your undying love to her again and she rebuffed you?

Originally Posted by ScottB
The girl I mentioned above is someone I could probably get serious with, and so I'm trying to take my time and make sure I'm not moving too fast

You are noving too fast. You are not even divorced and just told your W you will give her another chance.

Originally Posted by ScottB
Because of this new woman I can see more holes in my relationship than I had already seen.

What???? 3 dates

Originally Posted by ScottB
This new woman seems to accept those parts.

What???? 3 dates

Originally Posted by ScottB
She seems to want to know me in a different way, she's curious and kind and seems trustworthy.

What???? 3 dates

Originally Posted by ScottB
The next woman I'm fully with, I need to make sure that she accepts all of me. Not just the successful, athletic, fit, self but also the other stuff - the more vulnerable creative, parts.

Somebody has a high opinion of themselves lol.

Originally Posted by ScottB
Anyhow, I think of you all as friends. You've been very good to me and very kind over the past year and a half since I began posting. I really appreciate what the veterans here do. There were times when I had no one to talk to and this message board was there for me. Thank you. I appreciate all of you.

You're welcome!


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

“Don’t chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people – the ones who really belong in your life – will come to you. And stay.”
Page 3 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

Link Copied to Clipboard