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I felt bad for him. I mean, it wasnít an ungodly amount, but it would have wiped out my small savings. I googled just to see, and found out we could file an amended joint return so that he wouldnít owe so much. Reader, maybe I should have just let him live out the consequences of last yearís anger and impulsiveness, lack of foresight. That was on my mind. But I also felt like if I could help him at no cost to myself (he would pay me back the refund I was owed and would pay his tax liability), why not? It felt like the right thing to do. I would have wanted him to do it for me, had the situation been reversed.
That is a forgiving view. A view which serves you.
Originally Posted by cardinal
So I offered up the possibility. I talked to my IC afterwards briefly, and she appreciated that I factored my values into the decision, but also suggested it could also be a way of enabling him. Well, then I questioned my decision even more. I thought of what people might say here.
I say, and did just say, well done girl!
Offering to help had no cost to you. And not offering would have had a cost, a toll.
It would be enabling, if he was still angry, had a chip on his shoulder towards you, twisted this into blaming you, and so on. He didnít/doesnít. And you helped.
I am proud of you cardinal. The pull of letting him suffer his consequences is there. And if he had behaved in the stubborn blameful manner of the last years, Iím sure you would have left him to his deserved desserts.
You only control you. You realized last year his lack of foresight and prepared for paying more. You travelled in your own car to the appointment. You did so good walking your path.
Hís gratitude was genuine. And it sure doesnít sound like it is from paying less income tax. He was vulnerable and you didnít attack him. A common fear of the betraying spouse I would suspect. The LBS extracting their owed pound of flesh. As Iíve often said, forgiveness is not a widely held belief or value in current society; it is rarely displayed. Vengeance and tit for tat is the usual response. As much as Hís behaviour surprised you, yourís surprised him.
Consider his view point. He knows he doesnít deserve such good natured treatment. Yet you did just that. And for your own values, not to manipulate. Actions based upon oneís beliefs and convictions are the ones that matter, the ones that truly have the best chance of influence. Sincerity in thought and heart matters.
Originally Posted by cardinal
Like, remember those feelings you put away, remember that hope? Still there! Itís hard to still care, to realize how much I still care. Sometimes I want to search until I find some love letter heís written someone else, something, anything, that would maybe erase the rest of my hope, because when I am reminded itís there, itís painful. Itís sad because I miss him and I canít do anything about it but accept that things are the way they are.
Oh the flickering flame of hope. Nice to see it is still there.
We all must unpack those put away feelings at some point. It is part of the path. Part of finding acceptance.
I submit a clarity to you:
ďItís hard to still care, to realize how much I still care.Ē
No, it is hard to not care.
Attempting to find something to erase your hope, to not care, to help ease the pain. (((cardinal))) I understand. However, that is a cheese-less tunnel. Acceptance, aside from accepting the way things are, includes accepting your feelings.
I miss J. Every. Single. Day. And I live and love my life. One can do both. Along with holding themselves and others accountable. Being responsible. Having integrity. And so on. Life is not simple, and is, at the same time.
I believe in hope. Life is much better looking through that lens, in my humble opinion.
Originally Posted by cardinal
I donít have expectations that he will changeóoh, geez, though, just realized I have expectations that he wonít change. Heís just so good at distracting himself.
You hit the nail right on the head.
Letting go causes a void and one oftentimes unknowingly grasps the opposite of that which they are letting go of. Expectations - hope with a timeline/deadline - of the opposite are commonly grasped. Letting go of the feeling and thought that H will change, completely makes sense to pick up that he might not. And that slowly turns into an expectation he wonít.
Having no expectations is the same as expecting/accepting anything (without the timeline ). In expecting no actual outcome, all possibilities become valid. And possibilities is where hope lives.
Letting go of our expectations also removes our usual binary view of things. And there is a myriad of possibilities. Never in a million years would you have expected what H just did. And yet, he just did it. Rather interesting, the limits we place upon our own view of things.
Of course this interaction would cue up all manner of mixed emotions. You know feelings will settle.
The answers to those ďwhatís nextĒ questions for both work and life are most worthy, and your recent interactions have highlighted some most important values of yourís to ensure you include.
The future is quite unknown, where possibilities abound. Continue walking your excellent path towards your worthy goals.
Current Me53 XW49 S24 S22 S20 D18
Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15 M26 T29 Dec 9/17-Legal Separation Oct 3/18-W Files Apr 6/19-Divorced
Cardi, wow sweet one, you have come so far. Your update was beautiful to read; it oozes gentle self-confidence and wisdom. You are trusting yourself, acting on compassion mixed with rationality. And the biggest sign of your progress is you asking yourself about the bigger questions in life: what do I want out of my profession? What's next? Where from here for ME?
And the hope component? I feel you, sister. One thought that I have been marinating on is 'what if hope never goes away completely?' I know intellectually that I have to move on with my life, find the best path forward for myself, regardless of H's role in it. And that is my primary fuel at the moment. So the hope element may just be something I have to learn to live with; it waxes when he is 'nice' and wanes when he turns back inward. My growth: moving on to my best self cannot be dependent on the feelings of another human.
DnJ has been instrumental in helping me understand that feelings come and go. So it makes little sense for me (us) to ballast our boat on another's feelings. A dear friend of mine shared an interested concept that he recently read about: we tend to mistake the strength of our emotional reactions for the strength of our logic. Let logic prevail. Allow hope to be a presence, but allow the future (logic, growth, safety) to eclipse hope. Both are allowed their light, but one is a little more powerful than the other.
And I will leave you with another quote shared from the same friend that touched me (and brought hope in a different sense):
"Now every time I witness a strong person, I want to know: What dark did you conquer in your story? Mountains do not rise without earthquakes." -Katherine MacKennett
Hugs, Cardi, I am so proud to know you and your story.
Gosh Cardinal. I am glad you decided to help him out. I think staying true to yourself and your values regardless of the other personís actions is so, so important. Long after the hurt feelings fade, you will want to look in the mirror and be proud of how you acted during this time. You, my friend, will be able to do that in spades. I hope you make a really yummy cake and enjoy every bite. (((HUGS)))
Me 51 H 46 B/G Twins 11 SD19 Legal SA - January 2019 Divorce filed - June 2019 Divorce final - November 2019
Together 14 years Married 12 years BD1 - May 2014 BD2 - September 14, 2018