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#2917437 04/03/21 06:21 PM
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Hi new member, going down this midlife crisis h*ll with my husband. Fun times. Very stereotypical though, he hasn’t technically left home but he travels a lot. He hasn’t had a physical affair. There is an emotional affair, of a sorts. She’s annoying. I wish she would crawl back in the hole she came from but ... as dumb as this sounds, she isn’t our major problem. She’s more of a symptom to what I feel is our big problem ... his job.

Literally, everything that everyone describes as being a problem (I’ve lurked here) with their spouse and their affair problem, is what my husband has experienced with his job. He’s very good at it. He gets a massive ego boost from his work. He literally works non-stop. A 100-hours a week easily on most weeks. But it’s also very dysfunctional too. He dislikes the people he works with, they are horrible. He loves his “clients” he comes in and saves the day often for them. He has all the answers. It’s a very love/hate relationship but it’s also an obsession too.

Anyway, he has lost his job very suddenly and completely unexpectedly. He is coming home and he is devastated. They talk about other woman withdrawal, I’ve read a a lot of info from another site, and this is exactly what he is going through with his former work.

I don’t know ... maybe this is just crazy. Maybe I’m just the poor wife graphing on to anything because this really has messed up our marriage and our family. And I have no idea what to expect when he gets home.

But can a job loss be similar to an affair partner loss? Can a job step in as an affair partner?

Last edited by job; 04/04/21 01:08 PM. Reason: edited language, removed reference to a creator of another site.
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Welcome to our little world. I am pasting in Cadet's Welcome posting.

Welcome to this board.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD,
Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)

I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.

This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.

I would start with the going dark link.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post50956

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2537289#Post2537289

Resources thread(last post only)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2592296#Post2592296

Things you should know as the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2701017#Post2701017

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Doormat Tactics
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1942444#Post1942444

Standing vs leaving
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1966340&page=1

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

Musings from AmyC
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2253741#Post2253741

MLC Signs
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2177869#Post2177869

The Final Stages Withdrawal to Acceptance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2074403&page=1

WAS showing you positive signs? WAIT - READ THIS!
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2772942#Post2772942

Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.

I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources.
You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.

Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!

Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you!
Start your homework assignments.
Something to DO while you are on moderation.
GAL.
Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath.
In general take care of your self first.

Detach the single most important thing to DO.

Your H/W has given you a gift
THE GIFT OF TIME
use it wisely

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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A job loss can take a huge hit to his ego and yes, it could also be classified as part of his identity, which in turn becomes a loss for him and create depression. The emotional affair "partner" was she on the job or in one of the cities that he traveled to? Could be he is also mourning the loss of actually seeing her in person and chatting w/her.

If you could provide a bit more "generic" info about your lives it would be helpful.

Also, as a new member to the Board, I am posting the link to the Board policies.

Board Policies



Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Generic background: married almost 22-years. Together 24. Two kids. It was a good marriage. Not perfect by any means but it was good. He took a job about 5-years ago. It had him traveling a lot. I was at home, going through my own issues. Because he was gone so much, everything was dumped on me. Kids, school, my work, bills, cars, house, animals. So we probably lost a connection. And somewhere in there he became angry. Angry at me, the kids, life, everything. Nothing was good enough. Honestly, I got to the point I was glad to see him leave because he was always so angry. He became a very different man. I should add, he had one messed up childhood. The stuff his parents did and while I believe he is at peace with his idiot dad, he has never come to terms with his mother. I think the real damage is there.

Covid hit last year, he came home, still angry. They had him reclassified as essential and he went back out on the road. That was when AP came in. They met through his work and they started talking online. He realized he was screwing up and backed off from her, I’m guessing the end of June. Started trying to reconnect with friends, the kids ... not me. In August the AP contacted me and for the next eight months she continued to email me various things. She swapped out emails, so I could never block her. I never responded to her emails and I rarely opened them. Though I would send screenshots of them to my husband. She even started a FB page declaring his love for her in November. He started talking to her again (I believe) after the 2nd or 3rd email because he didn’t think she sent them. I believe they email a couple times a week.

November was low, especially after the FB page. Thanksgiving of all days and I was done. The FB page was the last straw. She stole pictures from my FB of my kids and used them on this page. It’s actually how I figured out who she was because she, with her real page, had gone through and “loved” everything on this page. No, he had nothing to do with it, not even remotely his writing style but he does have someone on his FB page connected to her.

December, I started understanding more about the midlife crisis. I read several other sites and I learned a lot. December we also all ended up with Covid and with Xmas, my husband was home for a month. It was horrible the first week. We were sick. Quarantined. He was horrible that first week. I was nice. Didn’t argue. Ignored when he put the couches up in the living room so he didn’t have to see me. And slowly things started changing. He calmed down. We started talking again. I got another email, right before Xmas and he was pissed. Which was the first time he had finally gotten ticked off that I had been harassed for how many months at that point? He turned off his FB account. And we reconnected. Or started to.

Then he went back to work and things were good, the first month. He told me he had broken off contact with her. Something he was very proud of. I was taking time, when he called, to talk to him without the kids interrupting. I turned the TV off when he called. We started daily emails because sometimes it is easier to talk there. He started coming home more often and telling his work no. He still was working too much but he was trying to get home. One weekend, he missed his flight due to the weather and he was devastated. He broke things off with the AP. He finally realized it had to be her contacting me. We were doing good.

During this time, she kept calling him. I looked at the phone records. He ignored her or would say something rude to her. I did mention if he really wanted her to stop contacting him, all he had to do was block her which he hadn’t. So I knew he wasn’t completely done. Though I believe he meant well at the time. Somewhere towards the end of February, first or March he started communicating with AP again. And low and behold, I started getting emails again. I actually opened one of the emails, I usually just ignore them, they are hurtful to me but I realized, she made some accusations about my husband and our daughter that just weren’t possible. Anyway, at that point, he and I talked, he doesn’t know why he talks to this idiot woman other than she makes him “feel good”, and he even compared it to addiction. And he does have a very addictive personality. He hadn’t seen her since right after our big fight at Thanksgiving. Instead of lying, if there is a question that he doesn’t want to be honest on, he just won’t answer me. So I believe him on that.

We’ve had a couple fights since January; usually when I’m really tired of all of his crap and I lose it. Once over our son. We had one the other night on the phone. I have my weak moments too which was stupid because I know he’s stressed out with the job loss, don’t poke the bear with a stick. But I did. And he just spewed at me. He kept swearing. Told me he didn’t care what I thought. He wasn’t going to be anyone’s whipping boy. Bringing up old employers from like 20-years ago. And he kept repeating himself. He must have made that whipping boy comment 15-times. It was bizarre. Not the guy who I married even remotely. He use to work with troubled youth and suddenly, I felt, I was dealing with the troubled youth. I’ve known my husband 25-years. This is not him. I just listened. Got mad one time until I realized he wanted to make me mad. And I calmed down again. After that phone call I just left him alone. He checked in the next morning; text messages with me and the kids at first. Then phone calls to the kids with, “Hey where’s your mom?” And then he started calling me again. No apologies. Actually no mention of the phone call.

He’s home now. It’s good, I suppose. I try not poking the bear with a stick. I keep things light. I journal and pray a lot. I have no clue what he will do with the job loss. This week is spring break and he’s just taking it off which he had planned too before losing his job.

The affair partner is 99% online. He can talk to her as much now as he did then. He figured out I had checked the phone logs a few times and he switched to email. I don’t go through his email or anything. The phone log, I wasn’t real thrilled with myself looking up and at one point it became my obsession and I don’t want to live like that.

My husband did something similar almost 13-years ago. To a MUCH lesser degree. Started emailing a woman and she started harassing me. But he cut it off. We went and changed our phone numbers even. But our kids were little. We were busy. I don’t think we ever got to the bottom of the issues of why he did it. We just kind of swept it under the rug and continued on. Ironically enough, the previous woman and the current woman both look alike and, even odder, they both kind of resemble his mother, I realized recently. Similar work fields and both took the approach of harassing me which I found was odd. I don’t know if his mother harassed other women, I’ve never met her. After reading another site, I believe there are some real connections with his mother. He didn’t finish whatever the first time around and the same issue popped up again 13-years later but only 100-times worse. So, I’m trying to let this affair run its course and hopefully whatever issue he has, will be put behind him. Because if he doesn’t and he does this again 5-10 years down the road, I’m done.

I have read other people’s stories who sound so much worse than mine. So sometimes, I feel, we have some hope. Then there are the times that I wonder what the heck have I gotten myself into? It’s stupid. He’s stupid. I’m a good woman. Not perfect but I am so much better than these idiot women that he decides he needs to PenPal with. And I could do better. Though currently, I don’t think I could do much worse ... though I guess he doesn’t physically beat me. I guess there is that.

Mostly I’m just sad and tired of it all. We had a good marriage. We had a great family. Not perfect but good. Our kids are amazing. They’re nerds but they’re good kids. Honestly, they’re at the age we should be having problems with them, not my husband. I haven’t talked with many people in real life about this because, they look at me like I’m stupid and no one I know has ever looked into a midlife crisis beyond a sports car and a twenty-year-old. I can’t stand being pitied. Instead I’ve worked on me. I returned to school and I’m finishing my degree. I’m becoming a nicer person. More patient, though I screw up every now and then. I’ve identified my mistakes in the marriage and yes, I made mistakes. I realize I can’t change him, only me. I also realize my husband mirrors a lot of my actions. Obviously not all of them but a lot of them. I’m becoming more independent. It was our decision for me to stay at home with the kids and him to make the money but I think it was too much of a burden for him. So I am correcting that. I believe we will actually come through this. I think idiot woman down south is a phase. But I want to come through this as better individuals and a stronger couple or to let me move on. I say we had a good marriage, and we did, but we had a lot of co-dependent issues too. I’ve learned a lot about myself and about marriage in general ... but currently I just need him to stop being a dumb-ass.

And I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to dump all of this here. I apologize to anyone who has read this all. I’m wordy. I also have a lot of bottled up negative energy.

Last edited by job; 04/04/21 07:53 PM. Reason: Removed reference names to another site that is not related to DB
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Good Morning Flowerjo

I am sorry for the situation you find yourself in. From your reading/lurking here you know of the kind and compassionate folks here. It takes no small amount of courage to take the leap and start to post. Welcome.

Many things can place a marriage further down the priority list, a job is quite a common contentious issue in lots of martial strife. Kids, money, job, and such can all come between the couple and slide their commitment to each other down the list of what they make time for.

One hundred hours a week is a significant quantity of time investment. This would undoubted, as you well know, be a huge part of H’s identity. Yes, he would get an ego boost from saving the day. And the darker side of that love/hate job relationship would drag him downward. Anything one largely obsesses over is unhealthy.

The sudden loss of H’s employment and his status / identity is going to cause depression and all manner of issues. Any hidden emotional demons lurking within him are going to awaken. I am figuring H just lost the job and he is currently on his way home. This will be the first time home post job loss. How long has he been working 100 hours a week? How long was he employed by them?

Originally Posted by Flowerjo
But can a job loss be similar to an affair partner loss? Can a job step in as an affair partner?

Yes, any significant loss can/will have similar withdrawal as the affair partner loss.

An affair, the illicit sexual relationship, is the emotional connection and feelings it creates not so much the act. In this way an emotional affair is usually worse than an actual physical affair. An EA exists mostly or even solely in the mind and has less actual reality or fateful interference in their fantasy narrative.

It’s the desire or obsession that one love/lusts after that is the underlying issue. A job can fit this very well. Consider how many marriages fail because of one partner focusing upon their job and not their spouse. A love of saving the day. A lusting after the next big ego boost, or money, or esteem, or status, and such. The sudden and definite removal of such emotional inputs, even the ugly hated ones due to H’s coworkers, will cause a depressive turn in him. Loss causes grief.

You mentioned mid life crisis h*ll that H has been going through and the stereotypical behaviours he has exhibited. I suspect you have recognized a shift in him in recent times. His performance at work has probably been affected, more in the relationship regarding coworkers than clients I would guess. People transitioning from one life stage to another is a difficult time. And sometimes the train comes off the rails.

Originally Posted by Flowerjo
I don’t know ... maybe this is just crazy. Maybe I’m just the poor wife graphing on to anything because this really has messed up our marriage and our family. And I have no idea what to expect when he gets home.

You are not crazy. (((Flowerjo)))

Yes, we do grasp on to anything and everything while our world spins. Breathe. It will be ok.

When is H expected home?

As best you can - expect nothing particular of H’s behaviour for his arrival home. You are going to have to see what and where H will take things.

I look forward to talking more with you.

Stay strong. You will be ok.

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Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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Some thoughts for you:

Just be supportive about the job loss - in a “we’ll get through this together” kind of way. I don’t know if this was a mass layoff or if they fired HIM, but if it’s the latter, it may have to do with his affair or with his bad attitude about his coworkers. When my exH was going through his first MLC (one at 40, one at 50!) his work actually sent him to anger management classes.

Are you working outside the home? If not, is it feasible for you to go out and get a job? Sounds like he ought to be able to get another job but depending on his age and industry, it may not be as easy to achieve his previous pay scale. If the marriage is already in shaky ground, you want to start getting your financial ducks in a row, including an income that could support you if necessary.

How much do you really know about your finances? If you haven’t been the one handling the money, I suggest you find out everything you can about how much there is in assets and debts. Run a credit check. He sounds a bit like my narcissistic ex - fortunately, I handled all the finances in the marriage.

You will suddenly be spending a lot more time with him than you did before. You can use this to your advantage to let him see the new and improved you. You can “stage” your home to be warm and welcoming. Model happiness. Act As If, even if your heart is breaking. Live your life. Try new things. Create a life for yourself that he might be interested in joining.

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Flowerjo,

I have removed the references to other sites from your postings. Please do not post site names and/or links to other sites on this Board, especially if they pertain to the same type of work and/or self help that this Board provides as well as the type of work Michele does for a living.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Originally Posted by Flowerjo
And I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to dump all of this here. I apologize to anyone who has read this all. I’m wordy. I also have a lot of bottled up negative energy.


No need to apologize! This is why we are here, to vent!! haha.

Prior to this current job, my ExH was a workaholic and he was let go. (he worked a lot but he hated his last job, and he also hates his current job) That hit his ego hard. He had childhood trauma as well, so there was already deep seeded self-identity/self-worth issues to begin with. So of course, he was angry. But in reality so much of his anger comes from fear - fear of abandonment, fear of not being loved, fear of being seen as unworthy. In the end, there is nothing we can do. They gotta work through their sh1t themselves.

I don't have an answer for you, but working on yourself is always the right thing to do. and yes like kml said, get your finances in order.


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