1) In August 2019, I got the BD. I discover WW is having an EA. I beg/cry/plead with her to stop the EA and come back to our marriage, but she adamantly refuses, and she moves out of our home.
2) After 2-3 months of doing everything I'm not supposed to, I start pulling back, and I employ the last resort technique.
3) After another 2-3 months of that, I see she's still talking to the OM, so I decide to step it up and go dark (the "after the last resort" technique).
4) After going dark for 2 months, I contact her asking if she'd like to go to dinner with me. She accepts, we have an amazing time at dinner, we go back to my place, and we end up talking for 4 hours and we ultimately have sex. She tells me she's no longer talking to OM, that she misses me, and that she's very sorry for everything.
5) A couple of days later, I reach out to her to ask if she'd like to have dinner again. She declines, apologizes for sending me mixed signals, and says that she had a lapse in judgment. I foolishly try to reason with her about why having another dinner would be a good idea, and I impulsively call and text her (exactly the opposite of what I'm supposed to do). She, of course, maintains her cold and distant stance, and refuses to see me again.
6) Since then, we have had very little contact, mostly about the dogs we share. Every now and then, she asks me if I'd like to go to dinner as friends, and I decline. Recently, she brought me some cupcakes for no reason (left them at my house while I was out). I did not respond or engage with her about the cupcakes.
7) I've realized now that the person I fell in love with is gone, and I've decided to move on from this.
Last edited by job; 03/26/2108:17 PM. Reason: added link to previous thread
FTR, I disagree with this. It is your sitch DBX and you can do what you want, but WAWs are like cats. They run the other way when you reach out to them. But sometimes if you sit still and let her come to you, she will want to come and jump in your lap. The one last ditch effort to have a heart-to-heart rarely if ever works. And then the LBH feels devastated and like they just gave up their integrity.
Also, filing for D doesn't mean that you can't have this heart-to-heart later. Some WWs have been jolted by the actual serving of divorce papers. Not all or a majority, but some.
I'm inclined to agree with your SteveLW. I don't think asking her if she wants to work on the marriage at this point would be helpful. If she really wants to work on it, she needs to come to me.
FTR, I disagree with this. It is your sitch DBX and you can do what you want, but WAWs are like cats. They run the other way when you reach out to them. But sometimes if you sit still and let her come to you, she will want to come and jump in your lap. The one last ditch effort to have a heart-to-heart rarely if ever works. And then the LBH feels devastated and like they just gave up their integrity.
Also, filing for D doesn't mean that you can't have this heart-to-heart later. Some WWs have been jolted by the actual serving of divorce papers. Not all or a majority, but some.
I'm inclined to agree with your SteveLW. I don't think asking her if she wants to work on the marriage at this point would be helpful. If she really wants to work on it, she needs to come to me.
Well it would be helpful to get you out of limbo land.
W weve been separated for over a year now. This situation isnt working for me anymore. We can either work on the marriage or get divorced.
But you have to be willing to walk away and d her if she says she doesnt want to work on the marriage.
I just don't feel this would be a good idea. She really hasn't given me any indication that she would even be willing to entertain the idea of getting back together. The sense I get is that she has made her decision, and she's good with it.
Maybe best is whichever you need to feel you've given it your best and can move on with your head held high. I agree either action has only a SMALL chance of jolting her, although both have better chances than limbo, and both get you on-track to moving forward with your life either solo or with a better partner.
FTR, I disagree with this. It is your sitch DBX and you can do what you want, but WAWs are like cats. They run the other way when you reach out to them. But sometimes if you sit still and let her come to you, she will want to come and jump in your lap. The one last ditch effort to have a heart-to-heart rarely if ever works. And then the LBH feels devastated and like they just gave up their integrity.
Also, filing for D doesn't mean that you can't have this heart-to-heart later. Some WWs have been jolted by the actual serving of divorce papers. Not all or a majority, but some.
I'm inclined to agree with your SteveLW. I don't think asking her if she wants to work on the marriage at this point would be helpful. If she really wants to work on it, she needs to come to me.
Here are your choices in my opinion. 1. Have a talk with her and let her know unless things change you are going to file for D, if you are sure you are willing to follow up and actually file if nothing changes 2. Blindside her by filing for a D without having a talk with her first about your intentions 3. Do nothing and continue to stay in limbo hoping that she will come back to you someday.
[quote=DBX80][quote=SteveLW] WAWs are like cats. They run the other way when you reach out to them. But sometimes if you sit still and let her come to you, she will want to come and jump in your lap.
It depends on the context and specific sitch. The way I look at it, if the cat prefers staying in the neighbors yard and has not even entered your house in over a year, sitting still on the couch waiting for it to come jump on your lap may not do much good How long you choose to continue to sit still is a personal choice, as you said.
[quote=DBX80][quote=SteveLW] WAWs are like cats. They run the other way when you reach out to them. But sometimes if you sit still and let her come to you, she will want to come and jump in your lap.
It depends on the context and specific sitch. The way I look at it, if the cat prefers staying in the neighbors yard and has not even entered your house in over a year, sitting still on the couch waiting for it to come jump on your lap may not do much good How long you choose to continue to sit still is a personal choice, as you said.
When you create your next thread, please link your previous thread to it. I will do it for you this time. If you do not know how to link the threads together, I will be happy to provide instructions. Thanks!
Last edited by job; 03/26/2108:18 PM.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Sorry, I know I owe you an update but nothing really significant to write about. Single (co)parenting and work have kept me busy. Perhaps some day I will have a reason to write up a better update, but none at the moment
Sorry, I know I owe you an update but nothing really significant to write about. Single (co)parenting and work have kept me busy. Perhaps some day I will have a reason to write up a better update, but none at the moment
So yesterday, she texts me asking if I'd like to have lunch with her. I decline, as I was out of town visiting family.
This morning, after dropping off the dogs, she texts me a link to make a covid vaccine appointment, saying she was able to get an appointment and was getting the vaccine soon. She tells me to keep refreshing the website if no appointments come up right away, because new appointments come up all the time. I don't respond.
And of course, last week we had the cupcake incident, which I never responded to.
Is this all just breadcrumbing? I should just ignore all of this, right? Ugh.
Wat I've been trying to say to you is if you try to talk to her about it, or feel it out, you will get no where. Why? Because likely she is toying with you and not really serious about trying to save the MR. The best way to test that is to SHOW her limbo is over by filing for D.
Last edited by SteveLW; 03/29/2104:14 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Wat I've been trying to say to you is if you try to talk to her about it, or feel it out, you will get no where. Why? Because likely she is toying with you and not really serious about trying to save the MR. The best way to test that is to SHOW her limbo is over by filing for D.
I know it's confusing when you get several different responses but I completely disagree with Steve. There is nothing wrong with having one more direct conversation before filing for D. She is either in or she is out. No in between.
Wat I've been trying to say to you is if you try to talk to her about it, or feel it out, you will get no where. Why? Because likely she is toying with you and not really serious about trying to save the MR. The best way to test that is to SHOW her limbo is over by filing for D.
I know it's confusing when you get several different responses but I completely disagree with Steve. There is nothing wrong with having one more direct conversation before filing for D. She is either in or she is out. No in between.
And I can tell you that there is a 99.999999% chance that when you do......that she will not deviate from what she has told you in the past. Your sitch, as LH say there is nothing wrong with it. It just will likely be a useless discussion to have.
Last edited by SteveLW; 03/29/2104:28 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Yeah I am definitely not saying it is going to turn out in your favor. You will have no regrets. You gave her freedom and space for a year and will give her one more opportunity to work on the marriage.
I can't stress this enough that anything other then a yes on her part you have to be prepared to file. If not do not have the talk and continue limbo land.
One deviation for me from what LH said: once the D is started....or even after the D is final, doesn't preclude Ring in the future. By then YOU may not want to, but so many LBSs see D as a finality. It doesn't have to be. It is merely a step in the process (to coin the phrase from AS, R2C, and many other of the longtime vets here!).
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I just posted on greenman's thread about discernment therapy, if you're interested in a mediated approach to one last conversation. I'd only do it if you're ready to end the limbo, though.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
By your account, there haven't been breadcrumbs for months, and now it's cupcakes, vaccine info, and a lunch date. Is this meaningful? Probably. Is she remorseful and ready to reconcile? Probably not.
You have to act in accordance with where your head and heart are. Consider you've stood so long while she's out-of-contact and exploring OM. I would take action to move forward or move on if you can without regrets. In a way this is a meaningful moment--she's more vulnerable than usual if she's suddenly breadcrumbing you. You have three exit plans to consider: a. Filing D, b. One last discussion, c. Discernment therapy.
If you're NOT ready to move on, that's okay, just do some self-work to figure out why so this doesn't go on forever. Some get stuck. I don't think you will. There are at least four reasonable ways to respond outlined in your thread. There are also bad ways, e.g. respond positively to the breadcrumbs ("I'm still a backup. It's OK to explore OM") or make empty threats ("I'm a backup.. and out-of-control! It's wise to explore OM.")
I'd tell her to stick it where the sun don't shine.
That was my first impulse, lol.
How should I convey this to her? She asked in an email notifying me of the filing, and so I will reply to her email.
I was thinking something like, "I'm sorry, but I won't be funding a petition for divorce I did not want or deserve." Too emotional? Too passive-aggressive?
I'd tell her to stick it where the sun don't shine.
That was my first impulse, lol.
How should I convey this to her? She asked in an email notifying me of the filing, and so I will reply to her email.
I was thinking something like, "I'm sorry, but I won't be funding a petition for divorce I did not want or deserve." Too emotional? Too passive-aggressive?
I was thinking something like, "I'm sorry, but I won't be funding a petition for divorce I did not want or deserve." Too emotional? Too passive-aggressive?
The weirdest part, for me, is your apology. I would drop "I'm sorry." If you feel the need to apologize for some wrongdoing, be clear and remoreseful about what you're apologizing for.
"I won't be funding a petition for divorce I did not want" is more complicated. Are you sure you don't want this? My understanding of your last messages is you wanted it but you wanted her to do it so the responsibility for giving up was forever clear and now you're getting your wish, that if she responded "Okay, I can wait a little longer" you'd continue in this purgatory-like limbo state and be disappointed.
"No, I won't be funding this petition for divorce." is maybe enough? Yes, dropping emotions, dropping passive-aggressive, and just stating your decision.
I'd tell her to stick it where the sun don't shine.
That was my first impulse, lol.
How should I convey this to her? She asked in an email notifying me of the filing, and so I will reply to her email.
I was thinking something like, "I'm sorry, but I won't be funding a petition for divorce I did not want or deserve." Too emotional? Too passive-aggressive?
Fewer words. "I will not be funding a D I don't want."
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
"I won't be funding a petition for divorce I did not want" is more complicated. Are you sure you don't want this? My understanding of your last messages is you wanted it but you wanted her to do it so the responsibility for giving up was forever clear and now you're getting your wish, that if she responded "Okay, I can wait a little longer" you'd continue in this purgatory-like limbo state and be disappointed.
I guess what I meant was, I never wanted to get divorced in the first place. She's the one who stepped out of the marriage, not me. Now (as in today), I'm fine with the divorce because I realize she's a totally different person now--a complete stranger I don't recognize.
"No, I won't be funding this petition for divorce." is maybe enough? Yes, dropping emotions, dropping passive-aggressive, and just stating your decision.
This is even better.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thanks you guys. I think I'll go with, "I respectfully decline to fund your petition to divorce me." That sounds about right.
Or maybe "No, I won't be funding your petition to divorce me."
Take the word, "No" and "ME" out and it will be good. No, sounds vindictive, and me, makes it personal. You are emotionally detach, No and Me shows you are still harboring emotional attachment.
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
Take the word, "No" and "ME" out and it will be good. No, sounds vindictive, and me, makes it personal. You are emotionally detach, No and Me shows you are still harboring emotional attachment.
OK yes, that's better. So it will be: "I won't be funding your petition for divorce." Sounds good, thanks!
So after emailing her back that I won't be funding the divorce petition, she of course did not respond.
And now this past weekend, she sent me two emails with pictures of the dogs, with one email containing a picture of myself with one of the dogs, and saying that she thought I would like to know that it's been six years since we adopted the first dog.
I'm was just baffled. Literally a week after filing for divorce, she's sending me pictures via email to reminisce? I obviously did not respond. It's just so strange...
When men become the women in their relationships by becoming overly emotional, unsure of themselves and start displaying more feminine behavior and less and less masculine behavior, this ruins the sexual polarity and eventually the relationship. Women submit to men only when they prove their leadership ability through congruency of their thoughts, words and actions. If men start abdicating their leadership role by becoming more feminine, emotional and unsure of themselves and waiting on the women to lead them and make all of the decisions, this forces the women to move into their masculine to make up for their lack of leadership. This results in resentment and a loss of respect, affection and intimacy by the women. Men who change into something they are not in order to please their women will eventually get dumped, blown off or ghosted. ~ Coach Corey Wayne
LH that quote is legit gross. Displaying emotion has no gender. Over emotional is a way patriarchal men like to keep people who identify as women in a little box. No, no silly little girl that baby box of yours tells you how to think not your teeny tiny little girl brain. It's disgusting way to characterize women and an even worse way to mansplain what "feminine" behavior is to "men." People who can articulate how they feel and don't just swallow emotions are typically known as healthy individuals, not effeminate losers.
Along with that, I know a h3ll of a lot more men who are unsure of themselves than women, but pretend they're not, and tell themselves they're not and it almost always comes out as hypermasculinity or aggression whether that be passive or active. Insecurity is an interesting animal when swayed with testosterone. It has very little to do with women "taking on the masculine" and far more to do with an individual's self worth, and emotional maturity.
DBX needing to go further down the path of detachment and doing a little more self work to focus less on the emotions of the MR falling apart has nothing to do with some caveman like display of "leadership." The only valid point that entire paragraph has is NO ONE should change into something they are not in order to please ANYONE.
wayfarer, I try to stay above the fray in these kinds of dustups. But isn't your second paragraph guilty of the same thing you are calling the quote out on? Just an observation.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
That's your opinion that you are entitled to have.
Originally Posted by wayfarer
Displaying emotion has no gender.
I agree. They key is to control your emotions.
Originally Posted by wayfarer
Over emotional is a way patriarchal men like to keep people who identify as women in a little box.
I have no idea what you mean in this statement
Originally Posted by wayfarer
No, no silly little girl that baby box of yours tells you how to think not your teeny tiny little girl brain. It's disgusting way to characterize women and an even worse way to mansplain what "feminine" behavior is to "men."
What?
Originally Posted by wayfarer
People who can articulate how they feel and don't just swallow emotions are typically known as healthy individuals, not effeminate losers.
I agree
Originally Posted by wayfarer
Along with that, I know a h3ll of a lot more men who are unsure of themselves than women, but pretend they're not, and tell themselves they're not and it almost always comes out as hypermasculinity or aggression whether that be passive or active.
Right! So the goal is for the man to become sure of themselves which will in turn make their woman feel safe.
Originally Posted by wayfarer
Insecurity is an interesting animal when swayed with testosterone. It has very little to do with women "taking on the masculine" and far more to do with an individual's self worth, and emotional maturity.
Most women don't want to make all the decisions and take the family lead.
Originally Posted by wayfarer
DBX needing to go further down the path of detachment and doing a little more self work to focus less on the emotions of the MR falling apart has nothing to do with some caveman like display of "leadership."
I just randomly chose his thread to post the quote.
Originally Posted by wayfarer
The only valid point that entire paragraph has is NO ONE should change into something they are not in order to please ANYONE.
Incels is a label (involuntary celibate) given to a group of folks which other folks use to push back against their (incel's) own labels for groups of people. It really is as gross of a term as any other term used to describe a "group" of people.
Last edited by SteveLW; 05/06/2102:50 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
NO ONE should change into something they are not in order to please ANYONE.
If someone is a "nice guy" with NGS should they not change and stay that way as long as they feel it makes them happy? If someone has anti-social tendencies should they not change? If your partner is distressed by certain behaviors of yours, should you just ignore that as long as you are happy?
NO ONE should change into something they are not in order to please ANYONE.
If someone is a "nice guy" with NGS should they not change and stay that way as long as they feel it makes them happy? If someone has anti-social tendencies should they not change? If your partner is distressed by certain behaviors of yours, should you just ignore that as long as you are happy?
Well the problem is that most people with NGS are not really all that happy if they honestly get down to it. The same is probably true for those with anti-social behavior disorders. But if you really are, and a partner has problems with the things that you do yet you are truly happy the way you are, then you have to choose how much your partner matters compared to that thing, and a lot of time it depends on how big that thing is.
People always say, if you change for someone else it's not really going to stick. If you're going to change you have to change because YOU want to. But a big thing is that it also depends on how important the thing you're changing is to you. If I give up drinking or eating meat or change my religion for my partner, and I didn't really want to, maybe I'm just going to end up resenting them. If I change my brand of socks because they hate how they look then it's probably going to be no big deal. That's a wide spectrum, and some things are big core changes that can only be changed for yourself and not for anyone else, and some things are minor. There are two parts of the quote from wayfarer: Changing "(1) into something they are not (2) in order to please ANYONE" else. (1) seems more like it's addressing the big stuff, and I agree no one should change the big stuff for someone else, because it just doesn't work out if you aren't on board with it yourself. And if you're on board, you may be changing into someone you are not, but then (2) it WON'T be in order to please someone else. So basically, don't make huge changes for someone else that you aren't on board with. I agree.
Last edited by mako; 05/06/2103:45 PM.
Me: 43 W: 41 Together 2009, Married 2011 Sons 10 and 6, Daughter 5 Bomb 2/21/21. W moved out 10/2021
I can definitely see wayfarers point about the quote. The problem with the quote is that it equates unsure of themselves, overly emotional and lacking leadership with women and feminine.
Ideally, both parties to a relationship should be confident, sure of themselves, and be willing to lead (and follow) at times. They should be in tune with and comfortable with their emotions, and be clear and expressive of how they feel and what they want. While compromise is necessary, if you just become a passive participant in the relationship and decline to make any decisions on the basis of just going with the flow or not wanting to appear needy, your needs are ultimately not going to be met and you are going to become resentful, which in turn will push your partner away.
That is what I take from the quote, but you have to sort through a bit to get there and the audience is really men only I guess so thats his focus. Its kind of like the NMMNG book, which has tons of useful stuff in it, but when he started going on about Vietnam and women teachers and womens lib I kind of just had to gloss over all that. When your quote is literally When men become women by [doing these clearly negative things, and BTW Im also telling you those negative things are inherently female traits and not male traits] its easy to say WTF, are you telling me females are inherently inferior or what?
Me: 43 W: 41 Together 2009, Married 2011 Sons 10 and 6, Daughter 5 Bomb 2/21/21. W moved out 10/2021
Changing certain behaviors is different then pretzeling yourself into someone you are not.
Stating that 'no one should change into anything they are not for someone else' is different from what you state above. Sometimes we need to have faith that trusting someone else and attempting to change is the right thing. For example, an addict may not always want to go into rehab. They sometimes do it for their loved ones such as during an intervention and then eventually embrace the change when they see the positive changes. Also, sometimes pretzeling yourself into someone you are not is the only available option.
Yes, everyone has their list of non negotiable things that they won't compromise and that is completely fine. However, as mako mentioned it is a spectrum and there are things we compromise on a daily basis for others whether we like it or not.
'Who you are' is also influenced by circumstances and external factors. You could be a different person at 5pm on a Monday than at 5pm on the Friday of the same week You are changing constantly and so if the definition of 'who you are as a person'. The difference is often in your attitude towards the required change not the decision to change itself.
So after emailing her back that I won't be funding the divorce petition, she of course did not respond.
And now this past weekend, she sent me two emails with pictures of the dogs, with one email containing a picture of myself with one of the dogs, and saying that she thought I would like to know that it's been six years since we adopted the first dog.
I'm was just baffled. Literally a week after filing for divorce, she's sending me pictures via email to reminisce? I obviously did not respond. It's just so strange...
Just to bring this thread back to helping DBX80:
Good job on standing up to her demand on the divorce petition. The emails are probably trying to soften you up to get what she wants. WASs are notorious for mind games.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I noticed you online recently and re-read your thread. How about an update?
Did W/ExW? end up filing for D? Did it finalize? Any more cupcakes or dog pics? More importantly, how are you doing...have you improved yourself and make your life awesome?
Hope all is well...
Last edited by BL42; 06/03/2212:54 AM.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
I noticed you online recently and re-read your thread. How about an update?
Did W/ExW? end up filing for D? Did it finalize? Any more cupcakes or dog pics? More importantly, how are you doing...have you improved yourself and make your life awesome?
Hope all is well...
Hello BL42. I suppose an update is in order.
Yes, she filed for divorce and everything was finalized last summer. Later this month will be our one-year anniversary of divorce.
And yes, she still brings cupcakes every so often, and still sends dog pics. I assume it’s her way of trying to be friends with me, but of course I’m not interested in that, so I don’t pay it much mind anymore.
One of our dogs passed away last year unexpectedly, and that was traumatizing for the both of us.
Anyways, as part of the divorce decree, we agreed that I would have custody of the remaining dog during the week, and she would have the weekends. So I do see her sometimes when she’s dropping off or picking up the dog. When I do see her, she always tries to chat me up, as if nothing happened and as if we’re the best of friends. Of course I’m cordial during these interactions, but it does create a bit of cognitive dissonance for me. So lately, I’ve been trying to avoid being present during the drop-offs and pick-ups. I don’t know if that’s healthy, or if it makes me look weak.
Sometimes she also texts me about random stuff that has nothing to do with the dog. For example, last week she texted me about a new tv show she was watching, telling me that I should watch it too because she thinks I would enjoy it. Again, she’s acting like nothing has happened and like we’re best friends. It’s disconcerting. I replied to her text merely saying, “Thanks.”
This summer, it will be 3 years since the bomb drop. I feel like if she was going to try and reconcile, it would have happened by now. Three years is a long time.
I’ve been going on dates, but nothing serious. I’ve discovered that dating nowadays is kind of a nightmare, and I don’t really look forward to it, to be honest. I don’t know how people do it. 😂
Yes, she filed for divorce and everything was finalized last summer. Later this month will be our one-year anniversary of divorce.
Sorry it didn't work out. Sounds like we're on a similar timeline. My one-year D anniversary just hit. How are you feeling about everything? Making progress on the detachment / processing emotions?
Originally Posted by DBX80
And yes, she still brings cupcakes every so often, and still sends dog pics. I assume it’s her way of trying to be friends with me, but of course I’m not interested in that, so I don’t pay it much mind anymore.
Throw out the cupcakes and work on the physique! Lol Dog pics do seem odd - you see it most of the week.
Originally Posted by DBX80
One of our dogs passed away last year unexpectedly, and that was traumatizing for the both of us.
Sorry man. That's tough.
Originally Posted by DBX80
When I do see her, she always tries to chat me up, as if nothing happened and as if we’re the best of friends.
So bizarre.
Originally Posted by DBX80
Of course I’m cordial during these interactions, but it does create a bit of cognitive dissonance for me. So lately, I’ve been trying to avoid being present during the drop-offs and pick-ups. I don’t know if that’s healthy, or if it makes me look weak.
I think you do what's best for you. If you need to avoid those interactions, do it - don't worry about how it looks. Ideally you're out and about having fun naturally and it's not even an issue to ponder.
Originally Posted by DBX80
Sometimes she also texts me about random stuff that has nothing to do with the dog. For example, last week she texted me about a new tv show she was watching, telling me that I should watch it too because she thinks I would enjoy it. Again, she’s acting like nothing has happened and like we’re best friends. It’s disconcerting. I replied to her text merely saying, “Thanks.”
Again, so bizarre. At least to us LBSs. You'd think they'd know the hurt they caused and feel awkward about that. Maybe it goes to show how detached they were long before BD.
Originally Posted by DBX80
This summer, it will be 3 years since the bomb drop. I feel like if she was going to try and reconcile, it would have happened by now. Three years is a long time.
Who knows what the future holds. My BD is coming up on 2.5yrs. 3 years seemed like such a long time back then but it's flown by. As LH would say he knows people who reconciled after decades.
Originally Posted by DBX80
I’ve been going on dates, but nothing serious. I’ve discovered that dating nowadays is kind of a nightmare, and I don’t really look forward to it, to be honest. I don’t know how people do it. 😂
Yeah...I'm finding that as well so far, but it hasn't even been a year yet so we'll see...
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
It is not uncommon for the EX to try to keep their LBS in the friendzone. The general guidance is to continue to DB! So keep GAL, keep 180ing (self-improving) and keep being emotional detached. I would also highly suggest you do not engage in these texts. Stick to the texting rules for LRT: do not respond to statements, direct questions only. And then only on your own time (not right away) and in as few words as possible. Yes or no questions get yes or no answers.
As you point out with your cognitive dissonance, this can play tricks on your mind. "She still likes me! Maybe she wants to get back together! Maybe I should start pressuring and pursuing her!"
That is a cheeseless tunnel. She is going to keep you in her life to the extent that you allow her too. (I am not up on the details of your situation since it was so long ago, but looking back would you say she always saw you as more of a friend rather than a lover?) Unfortunately, dogs do not live very long (we lost a dog ourselves in March, always difficult), but the silver lining to this is that once the current dog is gone you will have no further need to be so connected to her. It will be a sad time (losing a pet always is) but it will also be liberating for you to really move on.
Remember, if she ever wants to come back as a romantic partner you will know in NO uncertain terms. When she wants to come back you will know, when she doesn't you will be confused.
Sounds like you are doing fairly well, maybe still a bit too attached due to her friend zone antics. See them for what they really are and not what you want them to be.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I’ve been going on dates, but nothing serious. I’ve discovered that dating nowadays is kind of a nightmare, and I don’t really look forward to it, to be honest. I don’t know how people do it. 😂
Yeah...I'm finding that as well so far, but it hasn't even been a year yet so we'll see...
Um, in what ways have you found out? Would love to know because if D happens then I'm likely to hit the town hard asap
Originally Posted by SteveLW
Remember, if she ever wants to come back as a romantic partner you will know in NO uncertain terms. When she wants to come back you will know, when she doesn't you will be confused.
Can you explain why "no uncertain times"? I have wondered what would signal an intent to work on the M. My WW has always been a tester - in that she used to test me regularly on various things and I could never pick up on when she was testing. I don't care if she is testing me right now to influence her hedging, as I think she is friend zoning (with benefits) at this time. Any advice / material on how to identify piecing? You can reply on my thread too if you feel like it.
On BD1, she literally came to me, humbly, and said she wants to get back together. It was that simple. A few weeks prior to that, I did notice her attitude softened. After the wicked fights, protests, boundary violations, etc. I never reacted to her softening since it could be a sign of acceptance of the current situation, or, as it turned out, she was contemplating changing her mind.
What you are experience is temperature checking. I got the same on BD1, and now on BD2. She's checking to see how much of you she can get or how serious you might be of accepting separation.
Shouldn't matter what the current state is, GAL, hit the town. It helps take the mind off. In my BD1 it got her curious. In BD2, she doesn't care. For now. So for me, GAL is about focusing on my new life, taking my mind off things, and reviving the me that died years ago.
I’ve been going on dates, but nothing serious. I’ve discovered that dating nowadays is kind of a nightmare, and I don’t really look forward to it, to be honest. I don’t know how people do it. 😂
I know why BL has found dating a struggle. DBX, what exactly is it that you don't like about it.
Just for a balanced opinion, I've been having a great time, 2021 was a fun year. My best advice would be stay away from OLD at the start, I think you need to be in the right place to handle the fickleness that comes with it. Get out there and meet people organically and just be hella patient.
Me: 41 W:42 T: 14 M: 11 S: 6
"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
How long you choose to continue to sit still is a personal choice, as you said.
