Divorce and Acceptance part 5

[job]

They get fixated on something and they won't let it go. Boy, do I remember those meltdowns over things that my xh had taken and then he swore up and down that I still had them. I can't help but think that they use these so called missing items as a way to validate how they feel and it continues to fuel their anger towards us. They truly lose the plot on some things.

I understand having to defend yourself and have to pay to do so. I went through the same thing many years ago and I am so ever thankful that my little nut is long gone and taken up with wife #3.

Please be very careful. There is no way to tell just how much anger is bubbling underneath all of that facade. Sometimes, they can't control themselves because the hatred and anger are so strong.

[Pax_luv]

Hey Job, I think you are right, they need to cling to something to fuel the anger and justify their behavior.... as
Childish as it may be.

Gosh, I wish he was on wife #3 (I’m #2), maybe then he could focus on something else like controlling his next victim.


I hear the warning Job... loud and clear.... I recently moved and while he knows the building I’m in, I’ll never let him know which unit (and I’ve asked my lawyer to keep it confidential too).

Ugh this saga is not over.


Own.... hi... just wanted to say thanks for popping in as well. You’ve given me solid words throughout the years.

[OwnIt]

Pax, do be careful. I do really worry with yours.

Can you ask your attorney if he can do something called an offer of judgment on the beanie so that your ex will be on the hook for the attorney fees going forward. Find the value of the beanie. Send him an offer of judgment telling him you didn't take it, don't know where it is, here is proof of the value of the same, and you are offering it to him so he will leave you alone now and forever. If he doesn't take it and sues you and gets less, then he has to pay your attorney fees. I just looked up your state and it seems to have a statute recognizing the concept. I've used it successfully before to resolve complex litigation, so it should do just fine for a beanie. Offer a little more than its worth (or double) to make sure the finding is less.

[Pax_luv]

That’s where I’m at own. I think thats the plan. I found better quality beanies online (brand new... not from 2013) and they range from $17-25. At first I told my lawyer I would pay for half since it was a marital asset. Ok, I get that’s jerky of me..... but give this guy an inch, he’ll take a mile. There has to be a line somewhere. The man literally got everything in the house. Everything.

He actually took $250 off the equalization payment because that’s what he thinks it worth... so I’ve been trying to be made whole with that. He then said I owe him 10 for the dogs flea meds and I said I have a $250 credit and I’m not paying anything. And that is what precisely set him off. I’ve never told him no before. So.... of course I’m going to pay what is needed for the dog... but enough already! This guy deliberately goes out of his way to punish.

As mwd says... if things aren’t changing, do something different..... so I did. It backfired... as I suspected. Ugh just want him to go away.

[Pax_luv]

Thinking some more...
I held pretty firm with this beanie crap because it is asinine and I need to put a stop to this because I just feel like there’s always going to be something else.... there’s always going to be a next “thing”. Because that’s just how it is with him. So far I’ve not experienced the nothingness of/from him. I think he’s always going to poke and prod until he feels like he’s won.

And come to think of it... I probably p1ssed him off when I was practically begging him to let this go so we could really wrap up the d. I was like- come on, let this be done. Let this go. Seriously. Let this go. Let this be done.

[OwnIt]

Pax, ask specifically about the offer of judgment because it will cost him a fortune if he pursues it and loses. It will also appease him in that you are admitting you are responsible for it. The reality, you aren't, you are just setting him up to have to pay your attorney fees from the time you make the offer if he pursues it.

I know its hard, but if you give in to his petty and ridiculous nickel and diming, he doesn't get the energy (and you don't have to pay your attorney to deal with it). If you are gray rock, and give no energy, it won't be fun to poke at you any more. Remember its about the fight, not the money. No fight, no fun, no fun, find someone else to mess with.

Every time I push to get the divorce resolved, mine runs way in the opposite direction. I am so far past done now. I am just getting ready for trial and letting the court decide it so I can be done and move on.

[Pax_luv]

I talked to my lawyer. He didn’t know about the offer of judgment. He suggests I just let him have it. I.e...have the 250 he thinks it’s worth just to drop it.
It’s already a $1,000 issue for me.

I’m so done. So upsetting.

[Pax_luv]

It’s late here and I just fired off a moody email to my attorney. Ehhhh... I probably shouldn’t have but I had to sit on a few things today and think them through and it kind of made me angry. I ended up stewing vs processing. I wasn’t unkind in the email... just expressed my disappointment. I wish I was more protected in this beanie issue. And I hate that I’m even saying that. Like how is this an actual issue???

Just like I know it’s not about the beanie for ex.... it’s about him feeling like he wins and has control, the same goes for me. It’s not about the $250. I wanted to put my foot down on this petty issue so he would go away and maybe not bother me anymore. Sadly....he gets his way and he knows that if he’s irritating enough, he’ll get his way in the future too.

The bulk of my case is over, it’s just the tying up of loose ends and I know my attorney is done with me. I think that’s why I’m not feeling as protected. Theoretically I shouldn’t even be needing him anymore but since ex turns everything legal.. I still gotta use him and pay $$$$.

Once upon a time I stumbled across a support group for people recovering from narcissistic abuse. Honestly, I think it’s time I look it up again. Maybe do some therapy too. I’m finding myself falling into similar thinking patterns based on experiences that I had with ex. (Not sure if that makes any sense.... but I find myself doing things and then being like pax, it’s ok if you did xxx or didn’t do xxx nobody is judging you- you’re ok.). An example, I’ve been dating the same guy for a while now and I recently moved to a new place with the bathroom attached to master bedroom. During the night, when he stays over, I get up and use the guest bathroom down the hall because I’m afraid that I’ll wake the guy. Why do I do this? Because my ex would get so mad if I accidentally woke him to go use the restroom and I never heard the end of it. <~. And it’s little behaviors like that, that I do all the time because of how I was “trained” with ex. I don’t want my new guy to be like “ugh I’m so done with pax, she’s pees in the middle of the night!!” Haha

And for the record, I actually shared that experience with the new guy and he was so sweet about it. I guess I had to cop to it sometime. I just keep waiting for him to come at me for leaving water drops in the sink. (Rolls eyes)

[DnJ]

Good Morning Pax

Sorry you ended up stewing more than processing over the latest events and requisite email to your lawyer.

I wish I was more protected in this beanie issue. And I hate that I’m even saying that. Like how is this an actual issue???

Trying turn this on its head.

It is an issue. One you cannot control. So let go of the emotions and deal with it as business. The hating of it comes from expectations and one’s emotional investment being unmet. At this time, your hope and expectations that XH will go away if you put your foot down. He most likely will not.

He will go away once all the loose ends are tied up; more accurately you will. You will move forward and he will not exist rent-free in your mind.

Emotionally, it’s your ego. Let him go. You cannot make him see. Sometimes, one needs to stop arguing and just let them be wrong.

The old thinking pattern are hard to alter. We mistakenly mind read others and predict their reactions based upon our past experiences with different people. The mid-night bathroom run is a good example of how talking about it alleviated those nagging concerns of yours.

If being woken up mid-slumber is some sleep depriving issue, accommodations would be made. The actual root problem wouldn’t be being woken up, it’s not getting back to sleep. A siren, a dog barking, etc, all would awaken the suffer. Trundling down to the guest bath wouldn’t solve that.

Perhaps you can just let XH be wrong and not feel the same pull to his ingrained training. Let it go. Be free. No need to drag XH’s baggage around. Let him be wrong.

Hope you have a wonderful Sunday.

D

[HaWho]

Pax - wow, so sorry to hear you are still in the thick of it all.

Some people (and I expect your ex is one) just enjoy fighting for the sake of having confrontation in their lives. Playing armchair psychologist, I suspect he is just not the type who is comfortable with peace and quiet in his life. That said, I am guessing there is nothing you can ever do to make this VERY serious beanie situation (wink, wink) go away. Your best option is to try to negotiate the birdhouse for the beanie, but I am going to bet that when he learns it is not the original he will then make that the issue. I think he just needs a perpetual issue on which to focus.

I think they all create one. Mine had a thing for these air filters that were loud and bulky and old. (I used one when he was running in replay; coming and going at all hours. They blocked out the noise of him returning from his adventures in trying “to find himself.”) He bought them in the wild fires 10 + years ago. He was absolutely fixated on them and they appeared constantly in negotiations. In the final negotiations he mentioned them again and I gladly gave them to him. Pretty sure they are so old you can’t even buy filters for them anymore. They were SO important to him. How important? Afterwards, I went to clear out more of his left behind junk out of the garage and there in a corner was one more of those filters he just could not leave behind. He didn’t even know how many of them he had, hah!

If you try bartering and it fails, then my advice is just do whatever *you* want going forward because nothing is going to work for him anyway. It is a cathartic part of letting go or being dragged.

I do think you should muster up energy, strengthen yourself and go to the mats for your fair share. If you have to go to trial because he won’t be reasonable and you are paying and taking the time to do that, don’t go there to roll over. Let your lawyer fight like a junkyard dog for what you are owed.

Beanie (eye roll) ...