I don't have much in the way of advice but wanted to point out that your W's affair is based on lies and deceit, it already has an expiration date. It might look like she's having a blast at the moment but that won't last. Once those affair chemicals wear off, she's in for a rude awakening.
Keep working on yourself, once you get past the betrayal and pain, you will smile once again.
Thanks for the support. Smiles have been few and far between the last 7 months.
I hate to be a person who wishes ill upon someone else, but I hope the Karma bus makes a stop in her town. I’m sure she had a blast last weekend with OM, she was a lot of fun to hang out with in our limerence phase. Stbxw is also missing a lot of time with D18 because she’s off with OM, I think I would regret that the most because D18 is off to college in the fall.
Ok stbxw and D18 just went to go talk to an financial aid person for an expensive out of state art school. I was conspiculusly not invited despite the fact that I handle all the financial transactions in this house. D18 applied and was immediately accepted (99%) acceptance rate. I knew nothing about it because D18 used her mom's credit card to apply, thereby keeping me out of the loop (I paid all the other college app fees). There is so much going on behind my back, stbxw is totally checked out so when kids want something they ask her and its ok.
Our goal WAS to get both kids thru at least undergrad with no debt. We had money set aside in a college savings fund. That is still possible but its a stretch. Private school is not in the equation!!
Things ran smooth in our house when I was at least included in the decision making process. This is torture, with stbxw actually making decisions. Its bad enough that she is messing up my up my life, now she is destroying plans we set up for our kids. My kids are going to have a rude awakening when the money runs out.
I think you're going to need to detach mentally/emotionally and calmly talk to you daughter about what you have planned for and what you will provide for her college education moving forward.
Expensive, private art school is a luxury of our culture that not everyone even in America can afford. My W's family was rather wealthy and they elected to tell their daughters to earn a scholarship b/c they weren't going to pay for their daughter's college. The parents also forced my W and SIL to work very hard at softball and both did end up getting full rides. But that's just one mindset and plenty of people just elect to pay for school. I had academic scholarships but still had to get student loans for part of my education.
I hear many young people complaining that they didn't know anything when signing up for student loans. You can educate your daughters on the pros and cons there and you may or may not support her financially or otherwise. And you'll have to remind your daughter that her mother may have her own ideas and that is fine too, b/c what your daughter's mother chooses will be mostly out of your hands. So you have to leave them to make their own decisions, and that is scary for an 18 year old. She may choose this art school, she may come out with a heap of debt, you may decide to pay for it. Take time to weigh your options and how they will affect your daughter in the long term, don't be afraid to let her experience the consequence of her choices. How else do we learn if not for the natural consequence of our choices? Of course, everyone has their own parenting styles too.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
This private school situation was explained to her months ago, and I dont know why stbxw even let her apply. It's not an option. The main reason that D18 wants to go there is because a friend goes there which is not a good enough reason to spend more than 140k over the next four years for a bachelors degree. I am just frustrated because once BD, then the fllodgates were opened and so many things are happening that I could control before are happening and I am just an observer. So I not only lost my best friend who morphed emtionally into some cold hateful shrew (but looks better that she's looked in years) but I also lost my co parent who was helping co parent the family. Now she is a liability.
I don't have much in the way of advice but wanted to point out that your W's affair is based on lies and deceit, it already has an expiration date. It might look like she's having a blast at the moment but that won't last. Once those affair chemicals wear off, she's in for a rude awakening.
Keep working on yourself, once you get past the betrayal and pain, you will smile once again.
Many years ago, I had a 6 year relationship sour. But we owned nothing in common and both went our separate ways. There was no long lasting bitterness because niether made out financially. This time STBXW is going to walk away with. boatload of cash, so if her current sitch fails, I'm sure that someone else will come in and fil that slot. I think that is what burns me up the most, that she is using our money on her affair, and probably for other OMs in the future.
I was visiting my buddy with the crushed leg who had a WW 6 years ago. He just finished paying alimony and is still bitter.I am praying I am not like that after D and will work on it.
Anyhow his XW lost her waitress job during covid. So she is coming around and helping him with the bandages, shopping, etc. She had a Bachelrs degree since they D, but has been working as a waitress since D mostly living off alimony. Never gets out of bed before 11. Lives in a 1 BR shack. So I guess the fantasy romance she invisioned never materialized. Remember, my buddy was an airline captain.
So my buddy gives her an extra alimony payment for helping out Buys her a $1000 laptop for Christmas. They have some conversation about her comng over one night and she says she has an appointment. He asks you mean a date? She says I am not comfortable discussing my personal life with you.
Later on, in same conversation, she mentions she is finishing up her Masters degree and is strapped for money. Can he pay for some of her education expenses? Get this, my buddy is considering it.
So I channeled LH, CW, Sandi and whatevr name Steve is going by this week and told him NO. If you were married, you would gladly pay for it, but she fired you from that job. It's not your responsibility. He says he doesn't want her thrown into the street, or her power cut off. I point out that this situation is entirely of her own making, she is lazy and underemployed, and that these are foreseeable results. And she wont discuss her personal life with you, so she is obviously not your friend.
And LH you would have been proud of him 6 years ago after BD he actually threw her stuff on the front lawn. He gave her 30 days to get the rest of her stuff, after which he threw it away, including her college diploma.
I felt like one of the veterans on the board, wielding a 2x4.
I point out that this situation is entirely of her own making, she is lazy and underemployed, and that these are foreseeable results. And she wont discuss her personal life with you, so she is obviously not your friend.
I'm glad you were able to help your friend with some solid advice!
Originally Posted by NickWing
I not only lost my best friend who morphed emtionally into some cold hateful shrew (but looks better that she's looked in years) but I also lost my co parent.. This time STBXW is going to walk away with. boatload of cash.. alimony
They say brain scans of a broken heart show many of the same markers as a physical injury, and then these other losses (money, trust, a co-parent) come on top. Be kind to yourself this weekend. I'm glad you're talking to a friend--that and exercise are wonderful GAL activities. If you can coach others like that, as long as take time to reflect, I antiicipate wise decisions in the near future from you for you too.
Well. I can't really treat myself this weekend because I have to deal wit stbxw about our oldest in college. D21 wants to move into a luxury aprtment for her senior year. So D21 texts stbxw who just forwards to me. Now this should be the old paradigm, when we were married, where we were one household and every single decision gets kicked up to me. Now we should discuss and decide going forward who is going to pay for what.
So, to summarize, in the last 2 days stbxw is enabling D18 that she can go to a private out state art school to study writing, and D21 that she can live in a luxury aprtment in college while in the midst of a divorce while I am retired and stbxw is cutting her hours at work.
I know she is in a fog but stbxw gets to date 4 or 5 days a week, go away for the weekend with OM and leave everything else concerning everthing in this soon to be fractured family to me. Our settlement negotiations are going to be interesting because of her sense of entitlement.
I told my L that I wanted to file taxes "married filing separate" even though I would take a hit simply because I dont want to be associated with her and her irresponsibility. It was different when I was her husband and treated as such; I tolerated it because I was her husband and loved her. Now, she can pay for half, and she and OM can figure out between them how that is going to be accomplished. While I am not welcomng a D, this stuff is making the sh@t sandwhich a little more palatable.
Oh, and CW, I didn't give any good advice, I merely relayed things I have read on the board.
Luxuries should be afforded for by the people who desire to live in luxury. Things that are simply given are not respected. Let your daughters know that they can pay for their own stuff, that's how this world works. I would not be financing everyone's crap while you sit and do the hard work.
Throwing away rent money is bad enough already, doing it for "luxury" is ultimate poser.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
So last night D18 texts me whats for dinner on her way home from band competition. Says she texted stbxw but she never responded (because she is with OM). I ate dinner with D18 then we watched TV then she went to sleep over a friend's house. Stbxw slithered in around midnight from OM's I dont know why she just doesn't sleep there wherever it is.
Stbxw and I had discussion today about kids college, doesn't, understand why we should not enourage D18 to go to expensive private art school. I point out we have enugh so they can go to the state school with no debt, instead of massive debt for private school. Stbxw just does not seem to grasp that things are going to be vastly different when D goes through, unless OM is going to pick up the tab. We can not agree on anything these days. I really miss my partner, and I look at her she looks the same or better (never goes out without full makeup) but I feel like she is Godzilla, wrecking everything we spent years building and saving for.
Oh, and stbxw is mad because I woke her up getting the dog out of her room at 530 am says I am incomsiderate and rude. Like having an affair openly is not rude. The contempt from her towards me is thick, but everything is perfect in her life she should be happy. It is hard for me to believe that she loved me for 27 years basd on the way she treats me now. She did a true 180.
