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Hi Sandi! Apologies if I give the impression of hiding that, I never intended to. It happened as we were 20, she got really drunk and then spent moths trying to apologize but as I said I was not ready to listen. I thought it was a totally different thing because now we were 29 and had two kids and a family life that has nothing to do with the situation back when we were dating. Maybe is the way I perceive it, I am just trying to explain why I did not give it so much importance.


Okay Pack. I'm trying to understand. I still don't understand what you mean by being "together" for 10 years (five of those have been a MR), and your son was born a year before the M. So, you weren't in a committed relationship with her, until she got pregnant? It was nothing more than just dating? Had either of you expressed being in love (before she got drunk and was with OM)? B/c if there were no words of love exchanged and no "understanding" that it was an exclusive dating relationship, would she not have been free to see other guys? If it was nothing more than going out on dates like single people do..........I don't think it could be seen as her cheating. But regardless of what to call it, her actions that night were highly inappropriate, even if she was in no type of R or showed up at the party without a date! This one act showed how little she respected herself, and it showed how little she respect the guy who took her to the party (Pack). Obviously, you took her actions as cheating at the time. At the least, you thought you deserved someone better than this gal. She either saw it as cheating, also, or else she knew she had messed up big time..... enough to continue apologizing and trying to make up. Funny how you were able to let it go and put it in the past, but she felt bitter at you b/c she thought you were trying to pay her back.

I only have your side of the story, but I'll tell you how this sitch looks to me. I think you are the type of man who likes setting goals and working on yourself to be at the top of your game. I see your W as being self-centered and somewhat immature. She thinks she should have your undivided attention, which is impossible if you are going to provide for your family. Instead of taking responsibility for her failures, she blames everything on you. Therefore, she doesn't grow and develop into a better individual. She likes being a party girl, and maybe that's her little hidden secret.......that she has a bit of wild side that wants to come out. IDK, but rather than take responsibility and do something about her drinking, it's easier for her to blame someone else. A lot can be determined by a person when you look at the friends they hang out with, whether drunk or sober.

The tragedy in all of this (besides how it effects the kids) is that you have totally believed everything she said about you. She filled your head with so much negative talk about your failures as a H, and you bought into the lies. Recently, you have been able to see some personal growth and your posts are sounding better........and I think part of it is due to having NC with the person who is toxin. I notice you've said you are working on NC, so that makes me think you still struggle with it. Nobody said it would be easy, but once you realize you need some of the attitude of that 20 yr old guy, who saw himself deserving better than someone like her......won't you be able to let her go? That's your problem in a nutshell. You won't let her go. Instead of seeing her objectively, you see it as your personal failure. That is what I've read between the lines from day one. Based on how you like to be the best you can at whatever you do, it's very difficult for you to accept this type of "failure". I know all your arguments about kids, responsibilities, family, etc. I agree whenever there is a family, it's more serious and there are more responsibilities, than when you were younger and single. Most of your DBing was done with the idea if you worked hard enough and became good enough .......you could save the MR. I think you might agree it didn't work. As long as there is two people in relationship, there's always a chance that one of them will not cooperate, no matter how much you change for the better. Therefore, I think you have to look at the root cause for these problems. The root issue started before the marriage took place. Your W did not respect you before the M, and she doesn't respect you now. I don't really see that changing, b/c I think it is a problem in her. It's b/c of who & what she is as a person, and it would require work she wouldn't be willing to do.

You can't improve yourself as her H, b/c she's not going to let you be her H. However, you will always be a man, and a father. I think you are finally seeing this is true, and you are realizing you've got to build a life without her. Although it's still painful, you are getting stronger. In the beginning, you were probably told you can't fix her. I think you are closer to believing it today than when you first joined the board.

((hugs))


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Hi all!

I hope you are doing fine! Short update on Pack, I started working on the second course on ML within our company and it has a competitive rankling I am giving it all to finish at the top. I also went to my first crossfit session today I loved it. I have great hopes for meeting people and improving physically there.

Last Sunday I did 55 Km on the bike, on mud and offroad and I had fun like a boy. The project in Israel was a success but I am concerned it might not be enough to ask for the raise I wanted to ask for in April so that I can be in a better financial situation to eventually start going to the office by the end of the year when I don't have the kids.

I can say I am proudly NC, I think W is seeing OM but I am focused on me and growing from all the suffering I have gone through. Last Sunday, as I was leaving the kids, S2 was crying because he did not want to go and S7 had a very sad gesture. I know this is temporary but I need to write it here because it still amazes me how coldly she behaves and how she has wiped me out of the pic and does not care about the status of our family. I am sorry if I repeat this a lot, it hurts beyond words can explain. I left them and went to see some friends, tears in me eyes as I drove away. I need to grow stronger.

There is a voice growing in my head telling me I deserve more, better and I cannot tolerate what W is doing now. Not only for my personal boundaries and mental health, but also for the message I am sending to my kids. I know, they are too small, but one day they will understand and I have to be a model for them.

I know I idealized her and our family but it really was something worth fighting for, our children deserved a loving family with a great example of how to love your partner from us. I cant get rid of the feeling that I failed, that I pressured her too much and that I made many mistakes along 2020 but at the same time she has given me not the slightest option to turn this around. I think a lot about my boundaries, my NUTS and the deadline I have in May this year.

Originally Posted by SteveLW
[

So what would she have to do before it trumped being your W and mother of your 2 children? Sleep with more than one other guy? Where do you draw the line that being your W and mother of your 2 kids no longer gives her a pass?



Hi Steve, one OM is enough. I don't know how many there have been but one is enough to make me realize we do not share values about what the S means and what protecting and preserving our family requires. I feel like I lost a whole year, despite all my changes, I stopped my life and career after believing a lot of BS from W and turning myself into a monster and inept H.

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Being sad and lonely is part of the journey. No one on this board ever says that the journey to better days in the future won't have pain. It is kind of like road construction. They put up signs that say: "Short-term inconvenience mean long-term relief!" You will feel sad. You will feel lonely. But that short-term pain will lead to long-term being stronger, happier and more awesome. So when sad and lonely remember that it is a temporary state.

It makes me think about the show Everyone Loves Raymond. Raymond is talking to his single brother that lives alone, and they are comparing who has it worse. Raymond says to him in the discussion: "You are lucky, at my house I am just happy if I can get 5 minutes in the bathroom alone without maniacs pounding on the door!" So look at the bright side of being on your own. I was a bachelor for several years before I met my W. I remember as we got more serious I actually struggled with her being there so often, and not having "my space". Enjoy your "space"! (I know, easier said than done.)


I understand it is part of the journey but it feels as if I lost this war. I keep thinking about the value in all we had built, the things I achieved for my family, all the memories we shared and the incredible experience of having kids and seeing them grow and love you and drive you crazy. Meanwhile she is out there meeting guys and pretending her life has started now. I know this is my mind thinking the wrong way but I cannot help it, my feelings and my values push me to defend the value in all we had.

I am trying to enjoy my space more and more. My friends make jokes about how much I exercise, I am watching videos about the things `i love and saving for the motorbike and the new car as I always wanted. I am also enjoying the freedom of coming and going at any time I want when I dont have the kids and I try to talk to women to practive my new emotional skills and active listening and to improve my self esteem.

My thoughts are changing, slowly, but they are changing and W could get as many OMs as she wanted, it does not change what is in my blood and it does not define Pack as a man who was left behind by his W. Pack is a great guy, he is successful at work, he has 2 kids who adore him, he is healthy, responsible and well educated, he takes care of his looks and has goals and ambition. Pack is a great guy, not just a LBS.

Thanks Steve, please keep posting! ((hugs)) Pack


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Originally Posted by Pack_19
I can say I am proudly NC, I think W is seeing OM but I am focused on me and growing from all the suffering I have gone through.

Come on man we know where your focus is Pac.
Originally Posted by Pack_19
Last Sunday, as I was leaving the kids, S2 was crying because he did not want to go and S7 had a very sad gesture. I know this is temporary but I need to write it here because it still amazes me how coldly she behaves and how she has wiped me out of the pic and does not care about the status of our family. I am sorry if I repeat this a lot, it hurts beyond words can explain. I left them and went to see some friends, tears in me eyes as I drove away. I need to grow stronger.

Pac this is all part of the process.
Originally Posted by Pack_19
There is a voice growing in my head telling me I deserve more, better and I cannot tolerate what W is doing now.

Listen to that voice.
Originally Posted by Pack_19
I know I idealized her and our family but it really was something worth fighting for, our children deserved a loving family with a great example of how to love your partner from us.

You can show your children that with another partner.
Originally Posted by Pack_19
I cant get rid of the feeling that I failed, that I pressured her too much and that I made many mistakes along 2020 but at the same time she has given me not the slightest option to turn this around.

Because your W is gone Pack and probably will be for a really long time.
Originally Posted by Pack_19
I think a lot about my boundaries, my NUTS and the deadline I have in May this year.

Soooo..........
Originally Posted by Pack_19
I understand it is part of the journey but it feels as if I lost this war. I keep thinking about the value in all we had built, the things I achieved for my family, all the memories we shared and the incredible experience of having kids and seeing them grow and love you and drive you crazy.

Pack lots of "I's" in that last paragraph.
Originally Posted by Pack_19
Meanwhile she is out there meeting guys and pretending her life has started now. I know this is my mind thinking the wrong way but I cannot help it, my feelings and my values push me to defend the value in all we had.

Again this is all about what you want

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Hi Sandi! thanks for keeping up with my posts. Your words always help me!

Originally Posted by sandi2

Okay Pack. I'm trying to understand. I still don't understand what you mean by being "together" for 10 years (five of those have been a MR), and your son was born a year before the M. So, you weren't in a committed relationship with her, until she got pregnant? It was nothing more than just dating? Had either of you expressed being in love (before she got drunk and was with OM)? B/c if there were no words of love exchanged and no "understanding" that it was an exclusive dating relationship, would she not have been free to see other guys? If it was nothing more than going out on dates like single people do..........I don't think it could be seen as her cheating.


We were in a serious R, committed and exclusively since the end of 2009 and this happened in Sep 2011. It was not casual dating. We continued together all through university and when I left to the UK to study my MSc. Then she got pregnant the year of my MSc and S7 was born 2 months after I started my first job. I told her to move in with me to the UK and that I would help her finish her studies but she replied that she would only do that if we married and that if we didnt get M I was not in love with her. I told her I loved her but I wanted to pay for things in my wedding and it was not the time for me, I asked her to come and eventually I thought, I love her and we have a son. I want to live with them so let's get married and start a life in the UK.

Then all the pressure in my head started, I was feeling bad because she was home with S7 and I wanted her to be free to pursue a career but at the same time I asked her to help (maybe not in the most empathic way) because nursery was incredibly expensive. I then became a war horse to provide for them and I let our emotional R and our private time die as we also had a baby in between taking a lot of time and attention from us. You know the rest of the story. I know my part, I hope I am not giving the impression of telling my side. She was in a foreign country as a mom, at home and she must have felt very lonely when I focused on work and my career. It is so frustrating that we cannot have these conversations now, I dont know if by now I want a change of heart in her, after all she has done... but cutting like she has without talking about this with someone to help us, I think it is sad.

Originally Posted by Sandi2

But regardless of what to call it, her actions that night were highly inappropriate, even if she was in no type of R or showed up at the party without a date! This one act showed how little she respected herself, and it showed how little she respect the guy who took her to the party (Pack). Obviously, you took her actions as cheating at the time. At the least, you thought you deserved someone better than this gal. She either saw it as cheating, also, or else she knew she had messed up big time..... enough to continue apologizing and trying to make up. Funny how you were able to let it go and put it in the past, but she felt bitter at you b/c she thought you were trying to pay her back.


I did not entirely put it behind Sandi. I wanted to but I just couldn't. That night changed the perception I had from her and it affected our R in the following months if not years. In my defense, all these years her attitude was like "it is in the past let's forget about it and we were only 20 and it was not so major". THIS, is what I could not tolerate inside my head, but I was a boy not a man, so I kept it inside until it destroyed myself as well. I wish someone had given me NMMNG and Holding n to your NUTS when I was 18. There are some things I would have asked from her back then.

Originally Posted by Sandi2

I only have your side of the story, but I'll tell you how this sitch looks to me. I think you are the type of man who likes setting goals and working on yourself to be at the top of your game. I see your W as being self-centered and somewhat immature. She thinks she should have your undivided attention, which is impossible if you are going to provide for your family. Instead of taking responsibility for her failures, she blames everything on you. Therefore, she doesn't grow and develop into a better individual. She likes being a party girl, and maybe that's her little hidden secret.......that she has a bit of wild side that wants to come out. IDK, but rather than take responsibility and do something about her drinking, it's easier for her to blame someone else. A lot can be determined by a person when you look at the friends they hang out with, whether drunk or sober.


It must be your maturity or experience but again you nail it. I am that man, I have always been that man and admired by my friends, which means I have never had issues with getting W. Yes I had a lot of emotional defects and I did not understand what women expect from us. But I set goals, I go for them and I want to be the best at it. This makes me attractive and happy at the same time. My goals are above anything but my kids now. She is quite absorbing. Every time we came back to Seville to visit we stayed at her parents, she always said she has a better R with her mom and that I never talk to my parents so it was better. But actually sometimes I wanted to feel at my home, and I did not have the b@lls to say it. As we were dating she would complain because I used to work Saturday morning and we could not date until late on Friday which was like our day together. I told her my job was important to pay my expenses and I offered to go out on Saturdays instead more often. These are stupid examples, but I think they illustrate what you mentioned. She has that thing for going out, in the same way that my thing are cars, hers is going out for a party with friends. I am sure that wild side is now free, now that she does not have a ring on and has her new tattoos, but I also now it will not make her happy. I only hope I can work on me hard enough so that when it hits her, I am not here being a safety net anymore. As LH mentioned, she knows ahe can have me back anytime, that ends today!

Originally Posted by Sandi2

The tragedy in all of this (besides how it effects the kids) is that you have totally believed everything she said about you. She filled your head with so much negative talk about your failures as a H, and you bought into the lies. Recently, you have been able to see some personal growth and your posts are sounding better........and I think part of it is due to having NC with the person who is toxin. I notice you've said you are working on NC, so that makes me think you still struggle with it. Nobody said it would be easy, but once you realize you need some of the attitude of that 20 yr old guy, who saw himself deserving better than someone like her......won't you be able to let her go? That's your problem in a nutshell. You won't let her go.


I think I am beginning to see myself less of a failure when it comes to the R with W. Yes I had a lot of defects but that does not make me a lost cause or a man one should walk away from. The kids, yes that still destroys me inside, thinking not only how it has and is affecting them, but how this can evolve in the future and affect their lives and their future relationships. I am NC now and yes it helps, the kind of interactions I miss with W are not in her to do list so I am better off staying away. No more threats, no more manipulation and no more insults in front of my children. That 20 year old boy is coming out again, but this time as a man and father. He is going to build that amazing life LH encouraged me to do, alone.

Originally Posted by Sandi2

Instead of seeing her objectively, you see it as your personal failure. That is what I've read between the lines from day one. Based on how you like to be the best you can at whatever you do, it's very difficult for you to accept this type of "failure". I know all your arguments about kids, responsibilities, family, etc. I agree whenever there is a family, it's more serious and there are more responsibilities, than when you were younger and single. Most of your DBing was done with the idea if you worked hard enough and became good enough .......you could save the MR. I think you might agree it didn't work. As long as there is two people in relationship, there's always a chance that one of them will not cooperate, no matter how much you change for the better. Therefore, I think you have to look at the root cause for these problems. The root issue started before the marriage took place. Your W did not respect you before the M, and she doesn't respect you now. I don't really see that changing, b/c I think it is a problem in her. It's b/c of who & what she is as a person, and it would require work she wouldn't be willing to do.


I agree, I focused the whole thing as winning her back and I was wrong and it does not work. I might as well focus myself of getting back the respect and admiration from those I interact with. When you are a good, faithful and hard working man, it should not be that hard to get the respect from you partner. Thanks a lot Sandi, I will think about your words.

Originally Posted by Sandi2

You can't improve yourself as her H, b/c she's not going to let you be her H. However, you will always be a man, and a father. I think you are finally seeing this is true, and you are realizing you've got to build a life without her. Although it's still painful, you are getting stronger. In the beginning, you were probably told you can't fix her. I think you are closer to believing it today than when you first joined the board.


Somehow I thought my changes and actions could wake her up or at least awake in her the desire to work together for this M considering the value of our family. It has been a long time since I have felt respected, admired and loved by a woman. She was detaching from our R and blaming me and I could only think this is because of all the stress we have and it will get better. I know I cannot fix her Sandi. I wish things were different and all this pain was over. Let's keep rowing, let's keep working on Pack and making him an amazing guy.

Thanks for your posts! Your words always drive me to reflection and humility. ((hugs)) Pack

Last edited by Pack_19; 03/09/21 02:04 PM.

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Pack, I really appreciate you clarifying how things were before the marriage took place. Based on the accounts you gave of being in a committed R, then I have to agree that she cheated.

I am so happy to hear you talk about focusing on you and your future. I can usually tell when a LBH is beginning to accept the reality of his WW and when he starts letting go of the idea he can win her back. His posts are less about his WW, and more about him.

You are going to be fine, Pack. smile


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Originally Posted by LH19

Come on man we know where your focus is Pac.


Hi LH! Great to hear from you again! Thanks for being there for me!

Yes I know, do it, don't just say it. I cannot wait to finish Holding on to your Nuts, passing the first motorbike test and jumping on one! I also have great hopes for the yearly review this year at work, fingers crossed!
Quote

Originally Posted by Pack_19
There is a voice growing in my head telling me I deserve more, better and I cannot tolerate what W is doing now.

Listen to that voice.
That voice is changing the size of the steps I take ahead. I want to feed it but without being arrogant, knowing what I was lacking and making sure it never happens again.

Quote

You can show your children that with another partner.

And all I have to do is destroy the barrier I have forcing me to think it would not be or feel natural and amazing.
Originally Posted by LH19

Quote
I cant get rid of the feeling that I failed, that I pressured her too much and that I made many mistakes along 2020 but at the same time she has given me not the slightest option to turn this around.

Because your W is gone Pack and probably will be for a really long time.

And there is nothing I can do about this. All I can do is turn me into the best man and father I can envision.

Originally Posted by LH19

Originally Posted by Pack_19
I think a lot about my boundaries, my NUTS and the deadline I have in May this year.

Soooo..........

So I will file in May. I had some hope she might change when I moved away from the picture but as you can imagine not at all, I am killing that hope and sticking to my values, boundaries and NUTS. If I am going to rebuild my emotional life, it will start with a D.

Quote

Pack lots of "I's" in that last paragraph.

Originally Posted by Pack_19
Meanwhile she is out there meeting guys and pretending her life has started now. I know this is my mind thinking the wrong way but I cannot help it, my feelings and my values push me to defend the value in all we had.

Again this is all about what you want



Yes I sounded too selfish there. What I meant is that all we had and we had worked to have it was of great value to me. I know now she prioritizes other things I was not able to deliver, not that I cannot do it, I did not understand these were of such high importance.

But LH, for me it should be all about me now right? Not regarding the outcome of our M but regarding my life right now. I need to be put myself first and cover my needs and really be happy alone. Otherwise, how am I ever to be fun and attractive again?


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Pack, you seem to be doing well! Do you think some of it is because of the deadline? That feeling of seeing light at the end of the tunnel, that one way or another this will be resolved in May? I think a lot of LBSs struggle because they are expecting a turnaround from the WAS at any moment! Realistically they know it could be years, but in their minds they think it could be in the next minute.

Setting a deadline frees you up from that thinking to start focusing on what is most important, being a father, and taking are of yourself. And I see you turning to that now that you have an end game. I love seeing you turn that corner, and I would hope other LBSs could learn from you in this regard.


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Any updates Pack?


Me: 41 W:42
T: 14 M: 11
S: 6

"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
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Hi all!

Hope you are doing great and getting vaccinated asap. I wanted to come post earlier but I have not had the time to really sit down for a good hour to put my thoughts together and filter the things I want to share. I have been very busy with the kids, trainings at work and exercise (boy I love crossfit and how it is destroying me and making me grow physically) and I just started today refurbishing the bathroom at home.

First of all, I have a general message of gratitude to this board, I have learnt in months things I could not have guessed had I been in many different Rs. You have changed the way I see myself as a man, the way I prioritize and care my R with the kids, the way I imagine my life and how I understand women and most importantly my defects and how to know them, accept them and work on them. You don't know me, you don't owe me a thing and yet you come and invest your time on my growth and healing. I doubt there's an internet community where we can emotionally learn more than here. Than you all, I am finally starting to feel like a new man.

Last interaction I have had with W was one day I went to drop the kids. S2 was really tired and to avoid him falling asleep in the car I gave him youtube kids on the phone. When she came to pick them, S2 started to cry and throw his hands at me as he always does because we have an amazing time together and she commented "no wonder he cries when he leaves you, if you let him watch youtube all the time". I thought "yes love, that is the reason" and I got in the car and drove back home. She also started sending me emails about our new home in Munich, I was not answering so her L got in touch with mine. My L said I should answer those emails and not be immature. I told her the house causes me too much pain and we are close to selling it after I handled it all BY MYSELF and I will not explain a thing to her, enough that she is going to get half the winning we make after I took responsibility for all. I later sent her an email telling her not to ask me anything more about the house. I think I am in my right to not answer that, she can always call our financial advisor in Munich and she decided long ago to break from that house and all it meant.

Pack is doing better! I am fully NC now, even when she tries to talk about something I direct her to email. Then I choose what to answer and how, taking my time. I still feel sad for our family and deeply hurt by her decisions and actions, I don't think she is ever going to change the way she sees me, but it is not my job to change it, despite how much I have tried it in the past. As I said above, I am loving crossfit, I swear I have never sweated like this during workouts and I feel myself growing in strength and flexibility. This week I have the theoretical test for the motorbike license and I have been doing lots of activities with the kids (biking, trekking, home cinema sessions, going to the park... I got some new running shoes and I am going to buy a second hand road bike to enter a triathlon when possible.

A couple of Fridays ago I had a terrible day. My salary has dropped this year and I got my first taste of how it is going to look, the same day I got an email form my lawyer because I tried to adjust alimony and apparently W's salary has also dropped so I do not have much room to change it, I got an email from Munich that the house is almost finished and my boss gave me the yearly review and commented that despite she is very happy, she had to give me a "needs improvement" because I am new, adapting to the team and still have much to learn. All came together and made me realize how much my life has worsened and how I have let her destroy everything I had so proudly built to the point that this D has affected my performance at work and made me question my worth as a man and father and the decision to buy a house for my family, something I was so sure was the right thing to do.

Last week I contacted a couple of new male lawyers, with the hope that they will empathize with me and help me change the situation I have in order to be able to work in Madrid when I dont have the kids. I met with the first of them and he made 3 comments that helped me realize he might be able to fight for me in a stronger way. He commented that I pay too much alimony given the shared custody, he asked me why the hell I paid for half her L's expenses and he told me if my career is in Madrid I should be able to work there and alimony should be compensated due to the fact that I have to travel to be with the kids, all around the idea of shared custody, which is standard as per influence of the European Union in this retarded country. It seems I am going to have to pay double, but at least I am going to D with a L who really understands me. I need to get some documents from work to prove my career will benefit from me being in Madrid when not with the kids and I am getting them now. He also commented it is too soon to change anything so I need to be patient now and pay what I have agreed when I was emotionally a mess.

P - Getting ready for a marathon, keep up the good work at crossfit, get the road bike and join some sport events as soon as they are available.
I - Preparing a new certification at work, continue learning abut how men and women interact, promote to L6 at work
E - Listen actively to anyone, focusing on being happy with the new life circumstances I have and being the best father and man I can be.
S - Understand I cannot control how this ends, remaining positive that I will grow and learn from this experience.


Thank you all, I will post more often now that I have more free time.

Last edited by Pack_19; 04/13/21 07:55 AM.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Me 29 W:29
M: 5yrs T:10yrs
S:6 yrs S:1 yr
BD: "I want a D" 08/09/19
Sep: 10/27/19
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,822
Likes: 226
S
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S
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,822
Likes: 226
Originally Posted by Pack_19
Hi all!

Hope you are doing great and getting vaccinated asap. I wanted to come post earlier but I have not had the time to really sit down for a good hour to put my thoughts together and filter the things I want to share. I have been very busy with the kids, trainings at work and exercise (boy I love crossfit and how it is destroying me and making me grow physically) and I just started today refurbishing the bathroom at home.

First of all, I have a general message of gratitude to this board, I have learnt in months things I could not have guessed had I been in many different Rs. You have changed the way I see myself as a man, the way I prioritize and care my R with the kids, the way I imagine my life and how I understand women and most importantly my defects and how to know them, accept them and work on them. You don't know me, you don't owe me a thing and yet you come and invest your time on my growth and healing. I doubt there's an internet community where we can emotionally learn more than here. Than you all, I am finally starting to feel like a new man.

Last interaction I have had with W was one day I went to drop the kids. S2 was really tired and to avoid him falling asleep in the car I gave him youtube kids on the phone. When she came to pick them, S2 started to cry and throw his hands at me as he always does because we have an amazing time together and she commented "no wonder he cries when he leaves you, if you let him watch youtube all the time". I thought "yes love, that is the reason" and I got in the car and drove back home. She also started sending me emails about our new home in Munich, I was not answering so her L got in touch with mine. My L said I should answer those emails and not be immature. I told her the house causes me too much pain and we are close to selling it after I handled it all BY MYSELF and I will not explain a thing to her, enough that she is going to get half the winning we make after I took responsibility for all. I later sent her an email telling her not to ask me anything more about the house. I think I am in my right to not answer that, she can always call our financial advisor in Munich and she decided long ago to break from that house and all it meant.

Pack is doing better! I am fully NC now, even when she tries to talk about something I direct her to email. Then I choose what to answer and how, taking my time. I still feel sad for our family and deeply hurt by her decisions and actions, I don't think she is ever going to change the way she sees me, but it is not my job to change it, despite how much I have tried it in the past. As I said above, I am loving crossfit, I swear I have never sweated like this during workouts and I feel myself growing in strength and flexibility. This week I have the theoretical test for the motorbike license and I have been doing lots of activities with the kids (biking, trekking, home cinema sessions, going to the park... I got some new running shoes and I am going to buy a second hand road bike to enter a triathlon when possible.

A couple of Fridays ago I had a terrible day. My salary has dropped this year and I got my first taste of how it is going to look, the same day I got an email form my lawyer because I tried to adjust alimony and apparently W's salary has also dropped so I do not have much room to change it, I got an email from Munich that the house is almost finished and my boss gave me the yearly review and commented that despite she is very happy, she had to give me a "needs improvement" because I am new, adapting to the team and still have much to learn. All came together and made me realize how much my life has worsened and how I have let her destroy everything I had so proudly built to the point that this D has affected my performance at work and made me question my worth as a man and father and the decision to buy a house for my family, something I was so sure was the right thing to do.

Last week I contacted a couple of new male lawyers, with the hope that they will empathize with me and help me change the situation I have in order to be able to work in Madrid when I dont have the kids. I met with the first of them and he made 3 comments that helped me realize he might be able to fight for me in a stronger way. He commented that I pay too much alimony given the shared custody, he asked me why the hell I paid for half her L's expenses and he told me if my career is in Madrid I should be able to work there and alimony should be compensated due to the fact that I have to travel to be with the kids, all around the idea of shared custody, which is standard as per influence of the European Union in this retarded country. It seems I am going to have to pay double, but at least I am going to D with a L who really understands me. I need to get some documents from work to prove my career will benefit from me being in Madrid when not with the kids and I am getting them now. He also commented it is too soon to change anything so I need to be patient now and pay what I have agreed when I was emotionally a mess.

P - Getting ready for a marathon, keep up the good work at crossfit, get the road bike and join some sport events as soon as they are available.
I - Preparing a new certification at work, continue learning abut how men and women interact, promote to L6 at work
E - Listen actively to anyone, focusing on being happy with the new life circumstances I have and being the best father and man I can be.
S - Understand I cannot control how this ends, remaining positive that I will grow and learn from this experience.


Thank you all, I will post more often now that I have more free time.


Pack great update! Love the crossfit. Keep up the good work.

On the job, as a manager I can tell you that HR departments are forever pressuring us to have an equal distribution of low achievers, mid-achievers and high achievers. It drives me nuts. They talk about a bell curve, and rating people in relation to each other. It is maddening. I've resisted giving any of my employees a low-achiever just because they aren't going above and beyond like others might. I say all that to say maybe your boss is under the same pressure? And the new employee is an easy target.

As far as the L, like most things in life you get what you pay for. I always chuckle at advertisements for corrective eye surgery where they are bragging about their low rates. The last thing I want when it comes to eye surgery is a budget surgeon! And you should take the same tact with a D L. Extra cost up front could save you thousands of dollars later. I applaud you for not just sitting back and sticking with your current L out of ease. It amazes me how humans will shop around for the best price on a car or TV, but then just take the first L that comes along.

Well done, sir!


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
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