Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 8 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8
Joined: Jan 2021
Posts: 75
A
Ace_32 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jan 2021
Posts: 75


Me 32, W 24
T 6, M 3
No kids
BD: Aug 2020
OM: Jan 2021
Wife to file soon
Joined: Oct 2020
Posts: 677
Likes: 11
O
Member
Online
Member
O
Joined: Oct 2020
Posts: 677
Likes: 11
Originally Posted by Ace_32
I actually used to think i was a bit of a sociopath and i didnt think i felt empathy for other people, but maybe that is something people like her have made me believe.


x2 here Ace, don’t believe it. It says more about her than you. I got accused of being an emotionless robot despite all the thought and loving things I did through my actions. It just wasn’t how she felt loved but she still tried to make believe I was unkind and devoid of emotion and incapable of empathy. Ironically it’s amazing how little empathy she has had for me and how I have felt through this whole ideal. It’s classic projection.

Unrelated, I had thought SA meant South Australia and you were a fellow countryman. When I saw you had a Braai, it all clicked. No wonder you didn’t know what I meant by footy. D’oh!


Me: 40 W:41
T: 14 M: 11
S: 5

BD & OM Jun 2020
W moves out Aug 2020

"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
Joined: Jan 2021
Posts: 75
A
Ace_32 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jan 2021
Posts: 75
Hey OnlyBent, its something i used to think and say about myself since before i met her and i guess she used it against me or reinforced the idea. I dont think it is the case anymore, i feel like i have started to become a more caring person. Yeah she also told me yesterday that i didnt show her love enough or the way she wanted me to, i agree to an extent but there was also alot of things i did to show her i loved her. Maybe one day she will come to that realisation. I can relate to what you are saying, also agree about the complete lack of empathy she has shown me the last few months. Its shocking how they accuse us of it and then completely turn there back and show no remorse for what they are doing.

I actually was going to ask what you meant by footie but i assumed you meant football. Yeah braai is a dead giveaway haha i didnt even think about that when i used that word that most people wouldnt know what i was talking about.

About the call with her yesterday, i felt quite detached during and after the call but i feel today like it has rekindled my feelings for her a bit. Maybe her being so vulnerable and crying stirred up my love and caring side again, need to fight the urge to take what she said seriously and get hope again. That will just take away all the progress i have been making.

I realised as well that i would still be willing to make this marriage work if she had a change of heart. Was thinking when i send her the signed divorce papers of asking if she is sure this is what she wants (not adding that i am willing to work on the marriage or asking for another chance or anything like that) but just asking the question. Any thoughts on this?


Me 32, W 24
T 6, M 3
No kids
BD: Aug 2020
OM: Jan 2021
Wife to file soon
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 8,157
Likes: 130
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 8,157
Likes: 130
Absolutely not!


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

�Happiness equals reality minus expectations�- Magliozzi
Joined: Oct 2020
Posts: 677
Likes: 11
O
Member
Online
Member
O
Joined: Oct 2020
Posts: 677
Likes: 11
You know the answer Ace, don’t undo your hard work.


Me: 40 W:41
T: 14 M: 11
S: 5

BD & OM Jun 2020
W moves out Aug 2020

"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
Joined: Jan 2021
Posts: 75
A
Ace_32 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jan 2021
Posts: 75
Thanks for the responses guys. LH i didnt do it so all good, obviously is she wasnt sure then she would have second thoughts. I realised though that i didnt even need to sign yet, she hasnt actually filed yet. It seems she just wanted me to read theough them as well, maybe because she didnt want to have to deal with it alone in a sense or she just wanted my opinion. Either way, it basically says thats what hers is hers and whats mine is mine. At least she isn't vindictive in that way like i have seen a few people experiencing here.

OB i know you are right but isnt helping my feelings from coming back, speaking to her again stirred up something in me that i thought was almost dead... hope, and i have a bit again now. No matter what anyone tells me i still have my hope and i believe in miracles, my faith makes it so. But i am also not a complete idiot and i will try move on with my life regardless of what she says. To be honest though, i have had some stupid ideas though in the past few days about trying to win her back but i haven't pursued them.

Dont think i mentioned this but when she called me she also mentioned she would like to see me, i asked her why she would want to see me and i don't think thats a good idea until way down the line. I have had second thoughts about that a bit and am tempted to say fine let her come visit me for a weekend. I dont know if its closure im after or to see if she will fall for me again (that has happened in the past when we were close to calling things before). I know i will probably get a 2×4 about this but i havent seen her in over 6 months basically since BD.


Me 32, W 24
T 6, M 3
No kids
BD: Aug 2020
OM: Jan 2021
Wife to file soon
Joined: Oct 2020
Posts: 677
Likes: 11
O
Member
Online
Member
O
Joined: Oct 2020
Posts: 677
Likes: 11
Ace, talk us through what you genuinely believe will happen if she visits.


Me: 40 W:41
T: 14 M: 11
S: 5

BD & OM Jun 2020
W moves out Aug 2020

"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
Joined: Dec 2020
Posts: 232
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Dec 2020
Posts: 232
Originally Posted by OnlyBent
Originally Posted by Ace_32
I actually used to think i was a bit of a sociopath and i didnt think i felt empathy for other people, but maybe that is something people like her have made me believe.


x2 here Ace, don’t believe it. It says more about her than you. I got accused of being an emotionless robot despite all the thought and loving things I did through my actions. It just wasn’t how she felt loved but she still tried to make believe I was unkind and devoid of emotion and incapable of empathy. Ironically it’s amazing how little empathy she has had for me and how I have felt through this whole ideal. It’s classic projection.

x3 here. Looking back it is classic nice guy/codependency but that didn't happen in a vacuum. I'm getting to a point where I can own my mistakes without the guilt and shame. No matter what you did, she made the choices that she made, nobody else. So as long as they're pointing fingers and not accepting responsibility for their actions, nothing's gonna change. Worst thing that could've happened to me was her taking me back 3-4 months ago because I would've slipped right back under her thumb.
Quote
I have had second thoughts about that a bit and am tempted to say fine let her come visit me for a weekend. I dont know if its closure im after or to see if she will fall for me again (that has happened in the past when we were close to calling things before).
If she were to fall for you again, would you want to go back to how it was? I haven't followed your situation so I am not sure of the full backstory, but I know for me going back to how it was would be more devastating than ending things.

Joined: Jan 2021
Posts: 75
A
Ace_32 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jan 2021
Posts: 75
Been spiraling a bit his week, should have seen it coming to be honest. I understand better now why no contact is the right thing to do as talking to her last week really messed with my head and triggered me. Had a few drinks with my dad last night and ended up messaging her the old nonsense about loving her,etc which i havent done in months amd was a major setback but can keep trying to learn from my mistakes.

OnlyBent, im not sure but i believe if i could just see her again i could win her back. After BD she basically said she doesn't want to video call etc. because she still finds me very attractive and doesnt want to fall for me again. Physical attraction was never an issue in our situation, that was the one part of our relationship that was always good and worked. I think if we spent some time together again it will make a big difference. That could just be a fools hope though.

Hey SaltyDog, thanks for your message. I wouldnt want to go back to how things were, i know that whether we work things out one day or not that our old relationship is dead. Too much has happened to just go back to the way things were, it would need to be a complete restart. There were some bad times but i would rather be back in my marriage with its faults than be where i am now.


Me 32, W 24
T 6, M 3
No kids
BD: Aug 2020
OM: Jan 2021
Wife to file soon
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 8,157
Likes: 130
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 8,157
Likes: 130
Ok. Ace brace yourself because I am about to be brutally honest with you.

Originally Posted by Ace_32
Had a few drinks with my dad last night and ended up messaging her the old nonsense about loving her,etc which i havent done in months and was a major setback but can keep trying to learn from my mistakes.

You have been here long enough to know this is very weak and needy behavior which is a complete turn off to her.
Originally Posted by Ace_32
OnlyBent, im not sure but i believe if i could just see her again i could win her back.

So this is a competition between you and your friend?
Originally Posted by Ace_32
After BD she basically said she doesn't want to video call etc. because she still finds me very attractive and doesn't want to fall for me again.

100% WW BS and you ate it up hook line and sinker.
Originally Posted by Ace_32
Physical attraction was never an issue in our situation, that was the one part of our relationship that was always good and worked.

So what didn't work that she has cheated on you multiple times? It's either the dynamic of the relationship and/or she's a serial cheater.
Originally Posted by Ace_32
I think if we spent some time together again it will make a big difference. That could just be a fools hope though.

Fools hope. I think your neediness would shine right through.
Originally Posted by Ace_32
There were some bad times but i would rather be back in my marriage with its faults than be where i am now.
So you would rather be back in a marriage where you were cheated on multiple times in 6 years then learn to be alone, love and respect yourself and then have the world by the balls?

Look Ace I know I was rough on you but you really do not understand how you should consider yourself lucky this happened to you now and not years down the road when you had children. You STBXW was young when you met and maybe she can grow up someday in the distant future. If you haven't already pick up "How to be a 3% man" by Corey Wayne and read it 10-15 times until you understand the fundamentals. Also read "way of a Superior Man" by David Deida[/quote].


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

�Happiness equals reality minus expectations�- Magliozzi
Page 1 of 8 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

Link Copied to Clipboard