I guess I'm looking for encouragement. I have no one to talk to about this.
The day before Thanksgiving, I discovered my wife of 4 years was having a cyber affair with a colleague who lives about eight hours away. OM is married with two kids, and I am unsure about whether or not anything is still happening between him and my wife. She didn't try to hide it very well, and told me she wanted a divorce and was leaving me. I now know these types of affairs are called exit affairs.
She told me ILYBINILWY. She said that we were never happy and that we're just not compatible. She said I never made her feel attractive.
I did everything wrong. I begged her to stay and work on things, and told her I would move out if it meant her staying in the area (which I did). I talked to her parents (who are horrified by her actions, and want us to go to MC). Only thing I haven't done is blow her up with calls and messages.
We've been separated for 3 months now, and everything just keeps getting worse. She finds things to get mad at me about, and I waffle back and forth between trying to be kind and make her feel good about being around me, and getting mad and telling her how awful she is being.
Yesterday, she told me she wants a dissolution of marriage in order to keep costs down. I told her I didn't want a dissolution, and that I don't believe in divorce. She said that the marriage is ending either way, and that she has panic attacks when she thinks about us getting back together. I told her that she is ending the marriage because she is terrified of taking responsibility for her part of the breakdown, and is afraid of doing the work of reconciliation (I was far too emotional, and was not nearly as in control of my speech as I wanted to be).
My family tells me that since we have no kids, I should leave her and find someone who has fewer issues. But I really don't believe in divorce. It goes against my values. I don't think reconciliation is going to happen, but I feel obligated to myself and God to not agree to a divorce (I know it will happen anyway, but the judge will ask if I want it to, and if I don't, she won't have grounds until Thanksgiving comes around again).
I'm trying to GAL and detach, but I'm obviously struggling. I have no friends other than my family, and they have their own lives. Covid has everything shut down, and I can't meet anybody till its over. Yesterday showed me that my detachment is awful. I don't know how to make it better. I'm just so hurt, and interacting with her makes me very emotional. I don't want to try to convince her of anything, because I know it won't do any good, but obviously I'm not at a place where I can stop telling her how I feel.
I have lost 30 pounds, and am at the best weight since high school. But my confidence is shot; I feel so rejected and I'm insecure about everything (stretch marks, loose skin, thinning hair, etc). It's super unhealthy, and I've never felt so insecure. It's unlike me for it to be this bad.
Is my situation hopeless? Is my marriage too far gone to be saved? Can I GAL and detach emotionally from all this? How, when I'm in so much pain? I feel so rejected and betrayed, and it eclipses my ability to show love to my wife or detachment from her (and I still don't know which is best, or if I can somehow do both).
Like I said, I'm looking to you guys for encouragement and help. I've been reading how you all help others, and was hoping that you can help me. I am receptive to feedback, and would be happy to answer any clarifying questions.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Your H or W is giving you a GIFT. THE GIFT OF TIME. USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Last edited by Cadet; Mon Jun 15 2020 07:23 AM. Me-67, D34,S33
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Sorry you find yourself here. Couples can and do recover from affairs, but it will not be on your timeline. It's important that you can be honest with yourself and realize if things are to work out with your W, it's going to take longer than you would like.
First things first, buy and read Divorce Remedy.
Second, print out Sandi's rules and keep them in your wallet. Read them over and over again until you memorize them, they will keep you on right path. DO NOT let your wife know about them or that you are posting here.
Third, stop ALL pursuit. No relationship talks, stop trying to get your W to reconsider getting a divorce. No questions about OM. Nothing. Your W is not on your team right now. Treat your W in a civil but detached way (think how you interact with your neighbors or a grocery store clerk).
And lastly, work on improving yourself. Think back to the man you were when you first met your W. What was it about you that attracted her? What kind of man are you today?
Hang in there, I know it feels like the end of the world right now but it's not. You're going to be ok not matter what happens in your M.
I'm also sorry you're here, and agree with Thornton's advice.
People recover from affairs, but you also have to recognize that often times (not always!) an affair is a symptom, not the underlying problem. If your W felt she was in a loving and happy M then she'd likely not need an outlet elsewhere (again, often, not always!). Part of this journey for you will be to be honest with yourself and figure out to what extent this applies to your M so that it doesn't happen again, whether with your W or with someone else in the future. We all have our faults, and this is an opportunity to figure out some of your faults and work on them so you are a better you in the future.
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She said that we were never happy and that we're just not compatible. She said I never made her feel attractive.
It was a funny choice then for her to get married! This is surely not true, but at the same time it is most likely what she feels is true today. It is an easy way to justify that there is no reason to work on the M, cause it was never good anyway. This is why they say you can't believe anything she says right now. The important point is that there is no way for you to convince her that this is not the case, if you try she is just going to dig in.
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I don't want to try to convince her of anything, because I know it won't do any good, but obviously I'm not at a place where I can stop telling her how I feel.
See, you know this. You just have to make yourself stop. You are not going to win her back due to skilled argument and logic. She does not care how you feel right now. All she is thinking is "I am unhappy and he is just telling me how he feels." This is why you validate. Her feelings are important and are her own, you cannot tell her how to feel even if it seems crazy to you. Even if you disagree you can acknowledge how she feels. Then she feels heard.
Just think, if someone is arguing with you all the time, telling you how you are supposed to feel, would you like that person? Or perhaps you'd respond better to some empathy?
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Can I GAL and detach emotionally from all this? How, when I'm in so much pain? I feel so rejected and betrayed, and it eclipses my ability to show love to my wife or detachment from her (and I still don't know which is best, or if I can somehow do both).
It is hard, but it is the thing you have to do. She doesn't want to be loved by you right now. Loving someone who wants to be loved is great, loving someone who doesn't want it just pushes them away. You can't nice her back, her love bank is closed for business to you right now.
You have to GAL and detach for your own well being. We don't know if your W will ever come back. We do know that a whining and begging doormat is not very attractive, so that route is not going to work (I'm not saying that's what you are, just that is the wrong approach as you know). GAL and detaching are somewhat the opposite of that. GAL and detaching are how you show, to yourself, that you can be happy in your own life and that you are going to make it, no matter what happens with your W. That is scary, but as I said, we don't know if your W will come back, even if you do everything perfectly she may not, so you need to be able to make it without her. Yes, this is tough at first, but it gets easier with time. The plus is that being happy in your own skin goes a long way toward being attractive and confident, so that is when a W will sometimes come around. She wants a D from the person you are now, but that doesn't mean that is just the person you will be forever. But all of this takes time. Your M didn't die in a week, it can't be rebuilt in a week either.
Good luck and keep posting.
Me: 43 W: 41 Together 2009, Married 2011 Sons 10 and 6, Daughter 5 Bomb 2/21/21. W moved out 10/2021
Eddean, yes, your marriage is kaput. You’ll never get back the same marriage or even one close to it. She isn’t telling you what she perceived as flaws so you’ll change—she’s explaining why she’s done.
That said, at some point, you probably will get a second chance!
You increase your chances by finding your mojo again. To get ahead of the game, stop emoting to get what good/bad things you’re feeling and taking actions you haven’t considered for 24-48hrs. Rash actions and confiding in her don’t help you detach and aren’t attractive. Make 180s for you! These are the changes that will stick long-term. I understand the appeal of picking ones that relate to what she perceives as flaws, but this is a long game, and changes made primarily for someone else like becoming MrFixit and MrClean aren’t believable and don’t last.
I love your idea of not helping with the divorce. You can’t go back and stop yourself from abandoning the marital home, but you can stop yourself from abandoning the marital contract.
Eddean, sorry you are going through this. Your situation sounds incredibly familiar. And, unfortunately, is an extremely common tale. I know that doesn't make it any easier, but the point is that there are dynamics at play here at aren't all about you. You are taking this extremely personally (how could you not?) but in truth this is more about her and less about you than you think. That is both a good thing (it isn't about you so you shouldn't be letting it affect your self-confidence) and a bad thing (since it isn't about you there is nothing you can do about it, IE you have no control). And unfortunately we LBHs in particular let it hit us in our confidence AND feel the loss of control over our lives....a double whammy.
I admire you stance against D, I really do. It is becoming a rarer and rarer thing these days. However, I do wonder if this is less about your stance against D, or more about just not wanting to face reality? I get the religious thing, I really do. The Bible is clear on marriage, divorce, and remarriage, and I try to adhere to the Bible as much as I can. And unfortunately EAs (cyber affairs) are a gray area. In some way it would be easier if she had physically cheated because then it would be cut and dry, no questions asked that you were free to go on to another marriage. (If you do not share that particular belief, no problem, I was just relating to you because I too am religious and my W only had an EA.)
And I also applaud you for realizing that you cannot stop a D, legally. Sure you can stand for your beliefs, I encourage you to! But in the end if she wants a D she will get a D. Realizing that is an important step for the left behind spouse.
So before I get to your questions, let's talk about some things you should consider doing. You mention a loss of self-confidence. Whenever we face something like a loss of confidence there are two ways we can approach it. We can sit and do nothing an wallow in our self doubt and pity. Or we can take steps to improve it! You mention some actionable items. Thinning hair? Pick a hairstyle that helps. Loose skin and stretch marks? Look into remedies for that. The point is to own your self-confidence!
And then the other thing is that you need to embrace your lack of control over the situation. You mention some dynamics going on between you and her, where you are arguing with her. still reasoning with her. Engaging her in that way hasn't worked! In fact, it is the opposite of working if she is having panic attacks just thinking about saving the marriage. At this point trying to talk to her about it is making things worse, not better. So consider changing your tactic. Look into the Last Resort Technique. Stop initiating contact with her. Stop engaging her so much. If she calls let it go to VM. If she texts answer only direct questions. And then in as few words as possible. If she asks to talk, listen and validate her feelings. Pull back, stop telling her what she is afraid of or how good or bad she is. At this point conversation is not beneficial to your situation.
Please get Michelle Wiener-Davis's Divorce Remedy it. It will help you approach your situation in a completely different way. So your questions:
Originally Posted by Eddean
Is my situation hopeless?
No one knows this. Certainly there have been worse situations than yours that have gone to reconciliation. And there are better situations that have gone on to D. One thing we tell newcomers is that D doesn't mean the end. Sometimes it is a necessary part of the process. Lots of couples have D'd and then reconciled. I know several personally!
Originally Posted by Eddean
Is my marriage too far gone to be saved?
Again, no one knows that. As I said above, even if she goes through with D, there is still a chance of R. LBSs struggle with that but it happens a lot more than you think.
Originally Posted by Eddean
Can I GAL and detach emotionally from all this? How, when I'm in so much pain? I feel so rejected and betrayed, and it eclipses my ability to show love to my wife or detachment from her (and I still don't know which is best, or if I can somehow do both).
Yes you can GAL. In fact GAL is imperative. You will never get to detachment without GAL. It is nearly impossible to just sit and stew in your juices and detach. Detachment is not the opposite of love. Please read the thread on detachment, lots of newcomers struggle with the concept. It is difficult to grasp at first. As far as showing love to your W, I am going to challenge you on that. Showing love is probably not what you think it is. She has wants to leave the marriage. She has expressed being unhappy being married. She wants to file for D. The most loving thing you can do right now is......to let her go. I know that is hard to read. But trying to keep someone against their will is really, if you think about it, the opposite of love. If you really love her then you want her to be happy no matter what, even if that means that you aren't a part of her life. Dropping that rope and letting go is hard. Not doing that is not motivated by love, but by fear because the loving thing to do when someone wants to leave is to not stand in their way.
Eddean, you asked for encouragement. The only encouragement I can provide is to tell you that YOU ARE GOING TO BE OKAY. While things feel dire right now, you can't eat, you can't sleep. You can't focus at work. Out of 24 hours, 23.75 of those hours are spent worrying and thinking about your situation. I've been there. But what I can tell you is that R or D, you are going to survive and even be happy and thrive again one day! You need to keep that in mind as you go throughout your day. Unfortunately, you have no control over what she decides. Fortunately, you get to decide whether you let that destroy you, or make you stronger. Choose the latter!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Hey Ed, like everyone has said, truly sorry that you are here. If I could wish that no one has to feel the pain that you are currently are going through I would, something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.
9 months ago I was where you are, and whilst the last 9 months have hurt like hell, they have also been an amazing growth opportunity. I like you, came here desperate to save my marriage. I would only read the sitch's that resulted in R, and would avoid reading the ones that didn't. But the more I listened to the advice and read ALL the sitch's, the more I realised that I had no control over the outcome and that the BEST outcome, the ONLY outcome was to focus on myself and let the chips fall as they may.
Lots of people in this world get D, it [censored], but its the way it is. Learning to accept what is really helped me. Will I get a chance at R with my W, I don't know, I don't think so, but I don't really care. She chose her path, so the ONLY option is to make the best out of the path that I am now travelling.
Me: 41 W:42 T: 14 M: 11 S: 6
"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
My wife convinced me to drop out of law school so she could pursue her dream career. I did, and have supported her and her expensive lifestyle for the last four years. As soon as she got her dream job, she told me she was done. When I bring up all that I sacrificed for her, she just says, "that was your choice to do that". She told me "you're a nice guy who was there for me when I needed it, but I don't need you anymore".
Then the other day she tells me she wants a dissolution because we have no house or kids (we do not own our home) and that she won't owe spousal support because we've only been married for less than five years. The pain and anger of being used like that and just thrown away is unbearable.
How can I validate that? How can I tell her that I understand her emotions when they are so... evil? How can I communicate with her while being detached from such a betrayal?
No contact? I can do that. Work on the marriage with her despite everything she's done? Maybe, I'm willing to try. But respond to her texts and calls where she shoves what she's doing in my face with a validating word or a detached demeanor? How?
My wife convinced me to drop out of law school so she could pursue her dream career. I did, and have supported her and her expensive lifestyle for the last four years. As soon as she got her dream job, she told me she was done. When I bring up all that I sacrificed for her, she just says, "that was your choice to do that". She told me "you're a nice guy who was there for me when I needed it, but I don't need you anymore".
Fuching WWs.
Originally Posted by Eddean
Then the other day she tells me she wants a dissolution because we have no house or kids (we do not own our home) and that she won't owe spousal support because we've only been married for less than five years. The pain and anger of being used like that and just thrown away is unbearable.
Use the pain and anger as motivation
Originally Posted by Eddean
How can I validate that? How can I tell her that I understand her emotions when they are so... evil? How can I communicate with her while being detached from such a betrayal?
You don't. Never validate $hitty behavior.
Originally Posted by Eddean
No contact? I can do that. Work on the marriage with her despite everything she's done? Maybe, I'm willing to try. But respond to her texts and calls where she shoves what she's doing in my face with a validating word or a detached demeanor? How?
Again you don't. Run don't walk in the opposite direction. You deserve better!
When DB newbies have trouble validating, it’s usually because they’re confused by what validation is. If your STBXW screams, “You never bother to put away the effing dishes!! That’s why I’m divorcing you.” validation isn’t apologizing e.g., “I’m so sorry! I’ll change.” or agreeing, “I see you’re right about the dishes.” It’s simply acknowledging the feelings they displayed, “Wow, I get you’re angry I didn’t put away the dishes.” Active listening (optional) might further echo back the other comment. “I hear you want a divorce.” There’s no “right” emotion for her to feel. When you’re NC, try to be present, listen, and not emoting whatever’s on your mind in that instant. If when you’ve have time to think about it later you decide she’s evil, or that an apology is merited, you can always take action then. And don’t accept abuse if she starts ragging on you.
