New Beginnings Pt 3

[CanBird]

Any last thoughts before I feed the BIG Bird? Just starting with crackers, of course. I don't want him to get full.


Hi 00/xh thank you for your reply.

I want to take over the house.

I’ve gotten a conditional loan approval & was also approved for an additional $00,000. I would like to offer that to you, to sign the title over to me.

The payment would be released to you upon the close of escrow. Of course, you will need to sign off on the title before it goes into escrow.

The agreement for payment will be included in the escrow documents & will automatically be paid to you upon closing.

In addition, your outstanding mortgage balance (including forbearance & all past due interest), and the outstanding balance of the HELOC loan, will all be automatically paid off upon closing of escrow.

I’m also willing to wave X & Y.

I think my offer is far, especially under the circumstances.

Some of your email, in regards to D4 was confusing to me. It’s important to me that you know, that I will never keep Riley from you and that I will always support you and her having a happy health relationship. You’re her father and play an extremely important role in her life.

Statics say that girls that have healthy relationships with their fathers have higher self-esteem tend to make better choices, and learn how to have healthy relationships with men.

It has been 2 months since D4 has heard from you, & I know that she misses you too. Please feel free to communicate with me to set up a time to talk to her. I know she would love to hear from you. I only want what’s best for our daughter, and I believe in my heart that you want that too. That is why I am trying so hard to make this all work, to keep her in her home.

Let’s set aside our differences & hurts & do what’s best for our daughter.

I appreciate you communicating with me, and hope we can make this all work.

Canbird


Thoughts?

[may22]

hi CB,

I'm not 100% sure it is the right move to combine so much about your D and her R with her dad with the house situation convo. Even as I read it I got totally pulled into the concern about your D and if I were your ex, I might feel defensive about some of the things you're saying. Of course it is all true and totally fair for you to say that, but I wonder if it detracts from your primary goal right now, which is securing the house.

I might just stick 100% to the house stuff and then maybe offer a time for him to video chat with your D? Maybe the D part (right now, until you get the house sitch nailed down) is more like "Re D4, I know she'd love to talk to you!! Are you available at all this weekend? Let me know a good time and she'll be ready!" Or something just positive and bland. I think the other stuff about the importance of his R with her could backfire and make him defensive and not super interested in giving you what you want with the house, since it seems there is this weird reluctance to let it go.

You're doing so well and thank you for sharing your dating adventures! I love following along!

Aloha,

May

[DnJ]

Hello Can

The house is a business deal, keep it as such.

XH is an emotional mess. A man who left his wife and daughter. Appealing to his morals, loyalty, heartstrings, and such is likely to push him further away. Which is the opposite of what you need to get this business matter resolve.

Yes, what you said is true. Girls with a healthy relationship with their Dad will be more self confident and have higher self esteem. The relationship XH current puts forth is not that. And he knows it. Your message will be a huge pile of pressure to him, and that scared little squirrel will bolt.

Stick to the business details. Sans emotional tugging (mostly). MLCer’s emotions are already cranked to eleven; they cannot handle any more or any one else’s.

D

[CanBird]

Journaling: Just wanted to pop by and say hello. D4 and I are well. *Not effected by any floods* Continuing carry on and take care of business as it comes. No changes. In fact, I'm still on xh medical....lol... (I do have my own coverage, so I'm fine).

Actually, one thing did change, I had to get my own Prime account. All of a sudden this past week, all of the Amazon Prime devices in the house (4 in total) stopped working. It took me 3 hours on the phone to get up & running. $14 /month for entertainment. I can handle that.

Time is ticking away here, and although I have a lot of sleepless nights, I'm strong. Yes, I'm tooting my own horn there... and I do get told by friends what a great job I'm doing. Auto pilot mode: feels like I've been driving in this gear for 2 yrs.

My 2 yr BD anniversaries have past... the signing of the D anniversary was yesterday. I had my annual physical. WHOOHOO! Way to celebrate. ..lol.. next week my annual mammo.. aka "Taking the girls out".

That's all for now.

Hope everyone is well.

[OwnIt]

Hi Can, good to see you back. Any word on the house developments? Have you started the new job? How is that going? Has 00 contacted D4 at all?

Lots of excitement in your post. Happy that you are looking forward to what life and friends are bringing your way. Hope Mr. Too Cute also turns out to be Mr. Too Nice. Wouldn't that be a great thing?

[DnJ]

Good Morning Can

Time is ticking away here, and although I have a lot of sleepless nights, I'm strong. Yes, I'm tooting my own horn there... and I do get told by friends what a great job I'm doing. Auto pilot mode: feels like I've been driving in this gear for 2 yrs.

You are doing a great job. And you should be proud of that.

“Time is ticking away”; “auto pilot mode” - Welcome to limbo.

I am strong but.....

Don’t worry. You are in a good gear, and on a good heading. And the road is not as long as it current feels (or lack of feels most likely).

Auto pilot gets a bad rap I find. There are a few models of auto pilot in our lives and I’d like to touch upon a good one.

Once one has strengthened, crafted, and altered their beliefs and values to those which serve and provide positive affirmation of self, one find their auto pilot. Here one lives their convictions. Their feelings, thoughts, and values; and yes actions; all in similar direction/heading and at similar position of life’s path.

Beliefs influence everything. When one’s beliefs are what and where they want them to be - it feels right, and almost less, in a weird kind of way. Thoughts are similarly affected. This lessening is from the calm and peace of their inner self. A profound quieting of one’s ego, inner pressures, and external forces happens. Living your beliefs “feels” like auto pilot. It seems to “think” like auto pilot. As in “I don’t have to exert much effort to remain on course”. This is usually a foreign place to most of us, at first. Nothing in life has been like that, until then.

Embracing limbo. Seriously embracing it, choosing it, doing the soul searching to find one’s core self, and choosing to live to honour thy self - auto pilot becomes. One’s path becomes almost effortless, it self reinforces and renews with each day.

Beliefs reside within our subconscious self. Once our feelings calm, which also reside within that realm, it seems effortless because one’s life’s headings come from their subconscious more than a conscious-direct effort to focus upon one’s self; hence the effortless “feeling” of auto pilot. Auto pilot, in the very best sense.

Have a great day.

D

[CanBird]

J: After 3 wks, xh responded to my 2nd email regarding my plans/offer of taking over the house. (This response is only after I sent a follow up email).

Last night I woke up just after 2am to find his reply, and was once again dumbfounded by his response. And I have to remind myself that he's not in his right mind. He's clearly playing a game with me called, "I don't understand".

I'm sure you've all got a story. We present the details to our x, as clear as day, as if we are speaking to a 6yr old, and we are so sure that the details are simple to understand. And. They. Don't. Get. It. OR more than likely are choosing to play a game. Thoughts on this? SO frustrating. BUT, I am thankful to the heavens above that this Big Duck is quacking.

Xh asks what he wants (ie.. "Did you get my W2?" ...) and doesn't answer the questions presented.
Since Oct 2020, when our D was finalized, I have sent xhs mail to his mother's house, in a different state, as agreed. WHY is he asking me about his mail. I get that it's important, but GEEZ man! If he had asked me to alert him, I would have. It's crazy how our xs become these people we are so not familiar with.

I continue to shake my head in disappointment that he hasn't reached out to D4. It's almost been 3 months since he video chatted with her. Last time he saw her in person was April 2020. (He worked out of state 6 months) As always, even before D, I have followed D4's lead and helped her reach out when she wants to, to any family member (Although, on special occasions, I may encourage her to reach out a little more). Thank goodness, she is use to her dad being away working, and now it's because he doesn't live here. Really, not much has changed, but it still is disappointing. And that's something he will live with.

VENT session over... stay tuned. It's still duck season!!
ps- Location of xh is still not confirmed. But really, I don't care where he is. I just want my house.

[kml]

Xh asks what he wants (ie.. "Did you get my W2?" ...) and doesn't answer the questions presented.

Oh I can so relate. I actually wondered for a while if my ex was getting dementia. I'd send him an email, and he would respond weeks later answering only one of three things, or forgetting what he had already said on the subject,as if we had never had the previous conversation. You have to really pin them down, their brains are like sieves.

[Traveler]

I have to remind myself that he's not in his right mind. He's clearly playing a game with me called, "I don't understand".

I actually wondered for a while if my ex was getting dementia.

Wow--I hope I never have a mid-life crisis!! My brain's foggy enough without one.

[DnJ]

Good Morning Can

It’s pretty frustrating when trying to deal with a MLCer. It takes a certain view and focus to not expect an answer or non-answer to queries. Having hope for a positive answer and outcome is fine. Don’t expect it. For it will lead to resentment, which is a perfectly justified and normal emotional response, and one that doesn’t serve you. Perhaps a shift from trying to deal with XH, to dealing with the situation regarding the house (and XH).

MLCers are driven by emotions and depression. Many things are simply put off until later; the whole running behaviour is just that, putting off deal with their troubles. And when deep in depression, one doesn’t feel like doing much. Their minds are all over the map, being dragged back in time to their trauma(s). And yes, they do play the “I don’t get it” game as well. That is easier than facing the consequences for what they’ve done. Typical running. Delay, avoid, and so on.

Continue to reach out to CH. Try Offer email solutions to him and let him decide to agree or not.

Meanwhile, you can and do control you. Deal with the house situation. XH is benign a big duck right now. (Lol. There is another letter right next to the “d” on the keyboard) You have financing figured out, and want to go forward. If XH won’t play along, proceed without him. Legal counsel will provide recourse to this difficult situation. It might be as simple as a certified letter from a lawyer. Legal documents, the written word, is powerful. Seeing your legal intent in writing, coupled with the documented assertion of the fact the XH is blocking with his inaction, all on a lawyer’s letterhead, might just snap XH into moving in the right direction.

It is a tricky path dealing with a person in crisis. They are not thinking nor behaving rationally. The most expedient route is when they feel like they want to do that particular action; when they feel it is their idea. That takes going at things not head-on more of a sideways approach. Perhaps the house co-ownership is holding XH back from something he wants to do. Yet, he will remain stubbornly unaware of that and therefore not helpfully go forward. He needs a reason, his reason, to progress.

Unfortunately we seldom know what our spouse is truly feeling. And their feelings change all the time. XH hasn’t seen his daughter since April 2020, almost an entire year. That is a mind twisting dumbfounding bewilderment of behaviour that we just would not do. That highlights who you are currently dealing with. Not evil. XH is a lost soul.

Previous attempts to reach him have had limited success. The efforts to illustrate how this would provide for D4 have had similar success. Pear it way down and appeal to him.

Hi XH. I wish to purchase the house for $xxx. Where can I send the funds?

If he has any financial desires, that is a nice big lure. Once hooked he will feel the need to proceed, would contact you, and will look after the legal paperwork since he wants too.

This is not manipulating. You are simply stating your wish to purchase the house. Nothing else.

While doing that, look into your other avenues to accomplish your goal of sole ownership. Your future and success does not ride on XH’s actions or inactions. You control you. And you can still be compassionate and kind throughout - so no worries.

Just some thoughts on a Saturday morning. Hopefully they help.

D