It’s little surprise that H avoid this and other certain topics. He is his mother’s son, and unless I’m way off base, she and he never did talk much. There is lots of stuff left unsaid in most families, which slowly accumulate over the years. From what you’ve shared, H has experienced and seen a fair bit of strife growing up, and never really dealt with it.
Most depressed folks withdraw inward and then slowly deal with their grieving emotions. It’s slow. And for some it appears to not even happen. However, it is a mostly internal process with little outer display. While in depression, people seldom smile, or talk, or go out, or see friends, or such. They feel, and yes even believe, they will feel like that forever. That is one of the main reasons for the length of depression, it is altering that firmly held belief. It takes time to gather enough data; time to be willing to actually see this data; and a willingness - begrudging as it may be - to look into the possibility that they are wrong and their feelings are not forever.
All of us experience this in our grief. This is not some process reserved for the far gone, this is a normal emotional path towards healthy and whole. Problems arise when crisis proportions of depression and past loss pile up, or in these case - reveal themselves from their buried slumber. A crisis is much more deep and dark which leads to much more projection upon others, and blaming and justifying to support their believed view.
Time and space. And counterintuitively, few to no talks with their once loved spouse. The LBS is usually the target of the MLCer’s blame and projections. Us attempting to defend or set things straight just pushes them further away. The crisis part of their depression showing here - incorrect associated cause towards their spouse. When in fact some authority figure from long ago is more aptly the proper target. Shrug, not much an LBS can do but live their life and continue forward.
Depression, even deep depression, one still can see, even if it is only a wee bit, can still see their part in their loss. When pressure and pain is beyond even that dark point the person’s psyche collapses into a crisis and several emotionally stunted and poor coping mechanisms take over - denial and avoidance being some of the chief ones. A crisis person loses themselves in that shift, in the denial of self and what happened to them. These poor lost souls are deep in the dark, with no well crafted emotional tools or coping strategies, adrift on their ocean of pain with no heading, and very few (if any) beacons to steer towards.
Your H sounds to be depressed and avoiding things, and also displays making progress. Daughter leaving to Europe and no longer sleeping on the couch is an obvious change to things. The obviousness of this is…well obvious. What I mean, is H cannot ignore this. His daughter will be across the globe. I suspect H has had his ocean rather calm for a while. That equilibrium is about to get shifted and some emotional waves are going to start. And, in my forever hopeful views, some waves for H will be a good thing to propel him along.
Waves not created by you dear PLC. You remain the beacon.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
So, yesterday, when D and H went to breakfast she confronted him that he forgot her birthday. He was shocked and sorry. They hashed things out between them and they are on solid ground. He also said he would come with us to the airport tomorrow morning to see her off. I know this made her happy.
I spoke with his mom and she tried to call him and speak with him and just to mention that she was disappointed that she did not really see him this visit. He was at his uncle's and was gaslighting her that he was fine. She told me that he did a great job as a father to our daughter. He told her that D was going to be gone three months. We all know this, but i found it interesting that he has focused on that detail.
Yesterday, I felt that he was being more present, cleaning things and asking about food items (just basic conversations) and this morning, he let me know that he filled the car up for me ( I had asked last night) I thanked him.
D and I had plans to head out for last minute items she needs and she told him we were going to the mall. We were gone a few hours. We get home and he has posted that he is at an amusement park. I was instantly crushed. Not because I want to go there, but I want to go anywhere with him.
I know that I will not know where his head is unless I ask him and I do not want to do that. I did ask D if he mentioned anything on a divorce or moving out of our home with her since he knows that she knows about the OW and she said that they did not discuss him and I. I will not ask her anymore about him and I don't want her to feel bad about hurting me.
I really feel on the edge with her leaving. I am going to change my routine since she will be gone and I do not have to worry about being loud walking around while she's trying to sleep in the living room. I have sent this kid all over with world since she was 11 and went to NZ for a couple of weeks. I have never cried, I have always been too excited for her to be sad. I am so excited for her, but this time, I feel on the verge of tears. I am actually very excited to work tomorrow since I will be the only one there, I do not deal with customers, so if I want to have a big cry, I can.
I have plans and friends that I will see over the Summer, so I will not be moping at home, but if I could with no one knowing, I would be happy to stay away from the world.
I remain hopeful that him not telling his mom can be a positive to me, but the fact remains that he does not want to go anywhere with me alone.
I realized I am just writing anything that comes to mind and apologize for juming all over the place. I will post after the airport tomorrow.
I like your post. Sometimes we just need to get stuff out and we jump all over the place. This is a pretty good spot for that; lots of folks who understand.
Originally Posted by PLC
We get home and he has posted that he is at an amusement park. I was instantly crushed. Not because I want to go there, but I want to go anywhere with him.
(((Hug)))
If you step back from the crushing feeling a bit, I believe you’ll clearly see a few things. First, you would not ditch your daughter on her last day at your place for the next three months. You’d do what you were doing - spending time with D26.
Second, H is at an amusement park. That screams run and avoid. Bright lights, noise, commotion - plenty to keep one’s focus off their inner self.
Third, that crushed feeling. Why are you giving so much power to H and his actions / behaviour? Expectations, detachment, indifference, and so on. I’ve some things for you to consider:
Originally Posted by PLC
I remain hopeful that him not telling his mom can be a positive to me, but the fact remains that he does not want to go anywhere with me alone.
The hope you seek is that his not talking to his mom is positive to him. That he will be propelled a bit, in a hopeful positive direction, due to the inner stirring of his emotional equilibrium that he has crafted at this moment.
The positive to you is by your hand. True, if things go well, eventually a positive outcome may happen. However, your positives are for you and by you.
You have tied a few unrelated items all together. Hope, positives, H not wanting to go with you. Uncouple those. To that end:
It is not a fact that H does not want to go anywhere with you alone. Not. A. Fact. Do not give this such power. You do not know what H wants, even H doesn’t know what he wants. And to elevate such mind reading to the status of a fact is not helpful. Facts are unchanging truths. Be careful with your wording and accuracy; your mind, like everyone’s, crafts your reality. If you say something is a fact, it becomes so. Feed your mind accurately.
To alter that crushing feeling. Do something different. Imagine this: (Of course not the day before daughter leaving)
H: I’m at the amusement park. PLC: Oh, that’s sounds like fun. When did you get there? H: I arrived 20 minutes ago. PLC: I’ll join you and we can ride that big coaster and have those little doughnuts for supper.
You’ll notice, I didn’t ask. Just simply stated “I’ll join you and we can…”.
If that is a bit too spontaneous or not quite within your current comfortable zone, do a 180 and ask him to join you. Some time when he more or less free. Just an offer. With no expectations from you. “I’m going to go to the beach for a couple of hours. Come along and we can swim and lay in the sand for a bit.” If H agrees great. If not, ok; and go to the beach.
No pressure. No expectations. And no rush for you to attempt this little experiment. However, imagine it. H’s imagined response should be a possibility not a fact. How we believe things will work out, colours how we approach things. And how crushing certain events become to us.
H may still not go with you. Why? What is his reason? Who knows. Point is, you took control. It is he that is not going with you, not you not allowed to go with him. And that changes everything - for you.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I think that I had that crushed feeling because D26 was leaving. I have been sad knowing she's heading out. These are new feelings for me, I have always been too proud to feel sad that she was leaving for anything, college, trips, etc.
So it was going to be H and I and some of D's friends on the trip to the airport and the friends decided sleep was more enticing at 3:00AM.
So the three of us went. H drove and was quiet, we all were, and when we got to the terminal (which was so busy already!) he helped unload the bags and asked if I wanted to walk in with her to make sure she was all together and he would drive the loop (LAX is HUGE) and pick me up.
He did, and I thought we would drive in silence, but we actually talked about D and this choice she has made, what she and her friends did last night and what we will do with her car, parking it while she is gone. He was not chatty but was nice. Once we got home, he said he was going to watch tv, since he did not have to be at work until 6:00am. We got home, he went in the house and went into his room and closed the door.
You are right about it taking a few days to get adjusted to the change with D26 absence.
On Monday, I had some things to take care of and I was exhausted. He was around and I had minimal conversation with him.
On Tuesday, I worked and when I came home, he was not in. When he did come in, he asked if I heard from D26 and we looked at her social media, and what she was posting.
He then did laundry and went to bed.
I am still tired and I have some things to do around the house, now that the living room is not a bedroom, I will be organizing this week / weekend. Then I will go back to just living for me.
I thnk I am going to tell my immediate family today. I am scared and anxious. I am also mad that HE initiated this and I am the one that has to tell people. I obviously do not have the answers and it is hard. But with D26 gone until Sept. I cannot keep avoiding them and I need to say something.
Reaction was interesting. My dad said he thought something was as going on. My sister just asked what’s I wanted to do. It was a lot for me to talk about it, even briefly.
There is relief. Where I would not tell people what I did alone as to not cause questions, I feel like it was my “Independence Day”.
What caused all of this was my cousin, who we have not seen for over 8 years, was in town. We found out at the last minute, H had already left for the day. So I texted him asking if he was around, my cousin was going to visit my parents.
H replied he was at the beach. So I made the decision, that I really wanted to see my cousin. So I went over. I ended up having a great visit, and when he and his wife left, my family celebrated the fourth.
I came home around 5:00. He was home watching a movie with a friend of ours. When I walked down in, H asked if I went to my parents. Then he asked if I saw my cousin. Both I just answered “yes”. He then left the room, and our friend watching the movie and went outside to hose off the lawn? Weird.
The movie finished, I said goodbye to the friend and H went to bed. 6:00 pm.
I was hungry and went to get food. I came home and was eating and he walked in basically to wash his hands? Then he went to bed. So he was definitely checking to see what I was doing.
It got very loud here with fireworks and we have one dog that doesn’t care for the noise. I took the dogs into the bedroom and had the tv on loud and finally got her to relax and sleep.
So, I am glad I finally told them, I asked that they keep this to themselves. I do not anticipate telling anyone else for a long time. I almost feel like H will see this added confidence I have now knowing family knows. He won’t know why, but I feel different.
