We passed the two year BD anniversary with no fanfare. His behavior has been a lot of the same. He’s been aloof, then chatty then he remembers he shouldn’t speak with me or D.
It’s kind of comical how they suddenly remember they are mad at us, or some such, and then won’t speak for a while.
Two years. And look at you!! Strong, healthy, stable.
Originally Posted by PLC
My IC mentioned that maybe I should speak to him when I feel he is “chatty and nice” regarding that I still am not planning on divorce, but that is something I do not want to do. With his ups and downs, I feel that would push him even further away. Plus I know that is rule one, no R talk.
I agree with you, that particular chat will most likely push him away.
The “chatty and nice” is still a temporary state, along with his less chatty times. Ups and downs, as you said. Keep giving him time and space.
What you could do is start a conversation (not relationship ones ) during his more chatty times and see how responsive he is. Think of it as a small experiment. Perhaps he will want to talk, if so let him somewhat lead the conversation and see where it goes (since this is still very much all about H and his feelings). If he is less responsive then quickly back off, and don’t attempt again for some time.
It’s not that talks don’t work. It’s that talks won’t work at the start. Later, much later for any new LBS reading along, you can approach the MLCer. If the results are not very positive, they aren’t ready. That not to say it will never work, it just isn’t working right now, or anytime soon. One can attempt again later, like months later. MLCers are on their own timeline.
However PLC, given H’s ups and downs, and the fact that he actually let you know when he was going and even told you the morning he was leaving, I think there is something going on within that man. To me it looks like he wants to tell you more and is working up the courage to face you and more himself. Be patient and stay the course my girl. And of course keep those expectations at zero.
Strong, healthy, stable. And wise.
Doing good my friend.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Well a lot happened today. Thank goodness IC was in the afternoon. D has been given an opportunity to live in Europe this summer for a job. They are paying for her to stay there and meals. She’s almost 26 and this is the perfect time to go, as she is not in a relationship and does not have any debt here. (Plus she’s sleeping on the couch) so she and I are sorting thru items she wants to take. H has been very aloof and distant, he seems to be interacting with OW1 while being engaged to OW2 ( and married to me) I think things are imploding in his life as he threw a huge tantrum at D that she is a slob ( we are organizing for her trip ) and that she does nothing around here. (She pays for her health care, her gas, meals for she and I and some of her groceries) she in turned yelled at him and asked what he does around here. He repeatedly hung up on her and left me alone.
She finally broke down and told me she knew of the OW’s as she found out and confronted him two years ago when this happened. He told her not to tell me and she was worried about me. I told her what I knew and tried to relieve her concerns. He apparently told her he planned on renting out his uncles (who is alive and healthy, btw) home and “traveling the world” not having a home. She asked if he was going to live in the country that ow’s are in and he scoffed and said no, so she asked if he was bringing them to the us and again he told her no.
He has acted so out of character, I could only attribute this to MLC, plus he is acting like a class A A**. IC definitely helped as I was overwhelmed.
I understand things are not going his way and he can’t provoke me so he went for her. I can say that this brought D and I closer and that is always a good thing.
She had to run errands so I went along, when we came back around 6:00, he was home and closed Into the bedroom. I was asked what would happen in IC when they would fight before bd, and I would tell her to apologize and I would tell him I spoke with her. Then things would be fine. This is the first time I’m avoiding getting involved, so we will see what’s happens when he’s around her.
It’s sad, because she said she doesn’t need or want to take care of him when he’s older. I told her that’s between him and her. He was shocked back when she originally confronted him that she told him if he wanted a relationship with her that he needed to tell me that he wanted a divorce. That’s the only reason he said anything. So their relationship right now is not the best and I fully understand, he’s blown it up. I wonder if he even realizes it.
I feel sorry for your D. How must it feel for her to know already 2 years about the OW's and not mentioning it to you, most probably because she didn't want to hurt you.
We feel so much pain and sadness, but our children also feel that pain, after all it is their father, someone they should normally look up to.
But good for her that she opened up to you. This will definitely make her feel better, relieved.
The trip to Europe will also be something to look forward to for her. Would you be able to visit her while she there?
Me(45)EXH(44) M:15 T:18, S19, S16 & S16 04/19-02/20 ILYB & OW1 12/20-08/22 OW2 (+pregnant-his child) 03/22-Divorce official 06/22-08/23 Reconnecting 09/23-possible back with OW2
If his plans involve "traveling the world" just one word of advice. If/when this comes to divorce, get everything in concrete assets. You won't be able, for instance, to count on him to pay spousal support if he's in another country, so get a lump sum settlement instead, if that's something you would qualify for. Or take house equity instead of alimony, that kind of thing. And work on getting your own finances in order, getting a raise or better job if you'll need one without his income. Basically plan your financial future as if he's already gone. It won't hurt you if he does decide to come to his senses, and it will definitely protect you if he one day follows through on his MLC fantasies.
Also, if you haven't done so already, run a credit check on you and on him to make sure he hasn't run up debt that you could be held responsible for.
Eagle, thank you. I know and am seeing more of the dynamic between H and D with the exchange. She’s more unphased than I am and that tells me to her, the way he spoke to her is not new. Tomorrow she turns 26 and she asked if I would come to dinner with her and one of her lifelong friends. Not her dad. To me, that speaks volumes. Will it to him? Ha, I doubt it. As for her trip, I won’t go while she is gone. However, there may be the possibility of her working there permanently, and I would go then for sure.
KML, you always have the advice regarding funds. I never even thought about that. I will definitely make sure to look into the finances and see what I would possibly qualify for. Maybe you know, I sure don’t, if he inherits this home he expects to rent out for travel, would I be able to tap into that?
Anyway, today he’s his normal aloof self and I think I would think it was normal nowadays, but I really am upset about the argument. I need to really process this.
I’m not a lawyer but it’s my understanding, in the US anyway, that an inheritance is separate from marital property so long as it’s kept separate. For instance, if he inherits the property, pays all the maintenance and upkeep himself, it’d stay separate. If he inherited it, and the used funds from your joint checking account that you contribute to, to fix it up and pay maintenance, then you might have some claim.
I’d suggest you have at least a visit with a lawyer to figure out your rights and get a clear picture of what your financial picture might be in divorce. Generally, things to consider include: Home equity - if you have any. If you bought the home together during your marriage the equity should be split evenly. If one I if you owned the house prior to marriage but commingled funds used to pay the mortgage etc then some of the equity would become community property in a community property state.
If you earn significantly less than him, you would likely receive spousal support. If your incomes are equivalent you would not. If so, I’d recommend getting an equivalent amount in a lump sum, house equity or other assets. If he left the country you’d probably never be able to enforce him paying those alimony checks.Better to have the bird in the hand if that’s what he’s threatening to do.
Retirement accounts or pensions: benefits earned during the marriage should be split equally. A QDRO is a formal division of a pension through divorce . There are formulas for that and has to be done properly. IRAs and 401ks are easier to split.
But most important at present is to look after your future. Get your income to a point that it can support you, if it isn’t already. Get financial ducks in a row. This guy has known your daughter knew about his infidelity for TWO years and he’s done nothing about it. He doesn’t have your interests at heart and he’s unlikely to suddenly wake up. Plan accordingly .
Thank you! I am going to take all of the steps you have mentioned.
I also, am (I know, i am late) realizing what a jerk he is being. I could handle how he is ambivalent towards me, but to be so rude to our daughter is making me realize a boundary that I had not seen. I know she's older and this affects her differently than a small child, but WOW what an A**! Today is her birthday and he has not even told her HBD.
It hurts me in a different way then him wanting a D has.
If anyone is reading this and has not gotten into IC, please do. This board helps, but a therapy appointment that focuses only on you is the best money you can treat yourself with IMO.
I agree, PLC, IC has often been the only way I can maintain some outside perspective and not get sucked into H's story of me/us. I wish it were more accessible and affordable in this country.
I'm sorry H has put your daughter in this position. It's a whole other dimension of hurt, isn't it? And it's also sad that he can't recognize how he's harming that relationship, or at least the full extent of it. To not be able to tell her Happy Birthday? That can't be easy for you to witness. But it's good that she feels she can be open with you. I imagine it must be a weight off her shoulders to be able to share some of this and to know that you will listen. You can tell her Happy Birthday, you can tell her how happy you are that she was born.
What a great opportunity for her to live and work in Europe! Kudos to her.
Well it has been a couple of weeks since my last post and H never acknowledged the birthday. She was thinking he is totally typical with his behavior, where as you know, it upset me. Regardless, she had a great weekend and last weekend went to spend with his mom to visit some wineries. (I love his mom)
I can’t even tell you when last I looked at him. Maybe Sunday? He is back to total hibernation and I try not to be around when he’s coming home, because I don’t want to deal with him. He’s not confrontational or anything like that, this is coming from within me. Maybe this is more detachment.
D26 leaves in a week for three months overseas. That can also be why I am detaching from him. I’m preparing myself that I will not have any person here in the home except a roommate. Truly, he comes in and walks into the bedroom. He does not eat here, and does his laundry when it piles up. When I am not home and D is home (she’s working from home) he still just walks in and hides. My therapist said he’s hiding from himself. Last night, for instance, he was in the bedroom by 6:45 until 12 hours later when he got up and took a shower and now left the house.
This has been 2 years of IHS. As I mentioned before therapy is a key to sanity. I can’t imagine what or why he is doing this, but that’s not my job.
These poor lost souls, hiding and running, oftentimes they do not know why they are doing what they are doing either.
I suspect it’s pretty exciting having D26 going overseas to Europe for three months, and probably a few other emotions as well. Good for her, travelling and seeing the world. Oh, and that summer job thing too. Lol.
Let H be a roommate. Let his laundry pile up. Let him find meals where and when he likes. He is on a strange path and must traverse it by himself and fully.
What’s on your radar for the summer? Travel, beach, work? For me, no real vacation plans. Covid policies are still too restrictive. I’ll work, and putter around my house and yard during my off hours. There’ll be some weekend trips/visits to my kids I’m sure as well.
Have a great weekend.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
) during his more chatty times and see how responsive he is. Think of it as a small experiment. Perhaps he will want to talk, if so let him somewhat lead the conversation and see where it goes (since this is still very much all about H and his feelings). If he is less responsive then quickly back off, and don’t attempt again for some time.