Nice to see your answer to what you’ve accomplished over two years.
I wholeheartedly agree, a trip to the beach is in order.
By the way, tomorrow I am travelling an hour, and having a bbq and visit with a good friend and his family. The weather looks great and it should be a fun day.
I’ll tell you about my bbq day and you tell me about your beach day.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I didn’t make it to the sand yet. There was a rally /protest where I usually go, and I did not want to get caught up in any of it.
I have taken this week off to do the things I have needed to do around here. I have gone to the park for breaks and to get out. I am reading and have gone to the bookstore. He’s been home on his usual schedule. This weekend while D was out of town, he actually told me where he was going and when he’d be back. And believe it or not, he was home when he said he would be! He worked on his hobby sat and Sunday. My IC thinks he may be coming out of the depression since this is the first time in almost a year since he’s worked on any of it.
Today is his birthday. He came home with frozen foods and made a frozen lasagna and went to bed. It is 6:00 pm he went to bed about an hour ago.
I will have myself a nice meal that I will prepare. HBD, H!
I agree with not getting caught up in the protest. Nice to hear you took this week off. I’m looking at taking off a chunk of time and getting some larger items off my to do list too.
I also agree with your IC. H is peeking out of his depression. Working on a hobby is a good sign. Keeping his schedule is as well. Still, let him progress slowly.
I suspect H’s birthday is emotionally draining for him. Celebratory dates usually are cause for some reflecting of our lives. MLCers need to learn and accept the tap of mortality upon their shoulder. It’s the midlife part of the crisis. Going to bed early shows more reflection than staying out late partying, IMO. Early to bed due to sad/depression methinks. Good stuff if he is looking inward.
Anyhow, enjoy your meal. I’m thinking it will not be a frozen dinner.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
So, I mentioned that I was off this week. Today, I had work I usually do from home this morning. D was working (actually, still is for another hour) I had a day once I was done with my "work" with nothing to do and no motivation to do anything.
I felt like I could just go to bed. I think I am depressed. I know "bigger picture" why I am feeling this way, but I usually push through.
H came home and we had a normal chat. He then left to walk for exercise. I am friends with one of his friends on social media and he posted where they were. The friend has a young daughter and they were with her. No other people were with them. While I am glad that there was not any women around (as far as I could tell), I was jealous. I want him to ask me if I want to go for a walk. I am happy that he is feeling up to seeing a friend and exercising, I just want him to hang out with me voluntarily.
I am irritated with myself, as I thought I had forgiven him in my mind, and I have thought of things to punish him in the event of a divorce. I realize i have further to go.
I don't know if the fact that the two year anniversary of the first BD is in a few weeks, or if having this time off has forced me to think about things.
I hate feeling this way. I am giving power to him and I need to take it back. I go back and forth of what I would say to him about R and I know he is no where near even thinking about it! Why do I want to even entertain speaking to him??? I know that he does not know that I know of the OWs. He also has a situation where frozen meals and doing laundry are on his agenda. My IC tells me that when he did BD 1, he was leaving me to go be with someone else and he would not have to think about such boring things. He was in a hotel for over three months for a job where a hotel restaurant fed him and made up his room and bed and did his laundry. So now there is that added part that he will have to take care of those things (and he has) if we divorce. I continue, as you know, to cook meals for D and I and buy things we want to eat.
I just am in a stinky head space and I hate it. Tomorrow, I know he will wake up in the morning and get my car washed and my tank filled. Why do I know this? Because I asked if he might get my tank filled and he said sure. He always says yes and always gets it washed afterwards. I cannot even remember when I got gas. He is very thoughtful and I thank him each time.
Feeling depressed every now and then is perfectly normal. (((Hugs)))
Originally Posted by PLC
I am irritated with myself, as I thought I had forgiven him in my mind, and I have thought of things to punish him in the event of a divorce. I realize i have further to go.
You are doing really good. Honest.
Those temporary thoughts are bouncing around due to subconscious influences. Those same influences get our feelings all stirred around too. It will pass.
Forgiveness is a choice, a decision. I love how how you have forgiving H in your mind. That is exactly how forgiveness starts and grows. We control our mind, which in turn influences our emotions, and our beliefs. We influence, and in time “believe” in forgiveness. From then on it is more self reinforcing requiring only small inputs and adjustments.
True, you do have further to go. Which is an excellent realization of self.
Another realization - just because you feel and think a bit differently doesn’t negate all the forgiveness you have gained. Beliefs take time and more importantly - and you won’t make a strong belief without this - take challenging that belief.
As we find more and more forgiveness, or most any internal change, we challenge it. We test it. We fight against ourselves and the change that is happening within. Perfectly normal. And a really good thing as you want strong beliefs that can stand up to the storms of life.
Altering and changing our internal belief structure also leads to some grief. I know, how weird. Letting go of those less desirable attributes we hold/held is a loss of something that was comfortable and known. Acceptance is emotional understanding and that path is an odd journey. Our rational mind cannot make it go any faster, nor “figure” it out for our emotional self. Our mind, our mental assertiveness, influences us and gently propels us towards that which we seek. And we grieve and struggle along the way.
I look upon these setback moments as steps forwards. For they really are signposts of progress.
Wanting to punish is anger; “in the event of a divorce” is seeing acceptance; wanting to speak to H is bargaining; there is depression as well. You are passed denial of your beliefs and heading towards acceptance and forgiveness; and some new, and some old and much stronger beliefs and values. Believe me.
Originally Posted by PLC
I was jealous. I want him to ask me if I want to go for a walk. I am happy that he is feeling up to seeing a friend and exercising, I just want him to hang out with me voluntarily.
I understand and empathize.
H is not there yet. He is reaching out to his friends. Pretty amazing actually. A MLCer’s way back happens in the reverse order that it blew up; from least damage to greatest. More or less - pets, friends, kids, spouse. We are last. We were hurt the most, and therefore will be last to be reached out to.
That is not a slight from H against who you are or anything to do with you. This is all about H and where he is emotionally. And where he is - is spending time with friends who he had mostly written off as he ran off to his new shiny world.
His way back is slow and will have plenty of depression - and frozen dinners. He is growing up from when he was emotionally stunted. That is going to take time, and space, and no pressure. Dig for patience my friend. Focus on you. And keep those expectations low. All for you, and your sanity.
H hanging out with you voluntarily might happen in time. Even probably will happen in time. So continue as you have been and give it time. There has been progress of which I’ve no doubt you see. H filling your tank and washing your car. Hanging with friends, no OW, and chatting with you normally. Good signs among the weird confusion.
H’s path is on his time.
Stay strong. Strengthen those beliefs, and continue moving forward. You are doing very well.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I'm sorry you're feeling down, PLC! Be compassionate with yourself too. All of this is hard, and feeling angry and irritated is perfectly okay. As DnJ says, it will pass. Don't be upset yourself for feeling angry or for remembering that forgiveness is a process. Can you allow your feelings to be what they are, when they are? There's this meditation I really love on the Ten Percent Happier app that is all about being grumpy, and it is always somewhat of a relief to me to be reminded that I don't need to fight against that feeling. I don't need to work to change it; it's okay to let it be. (((PLC)))
I’m sorry you’re feeling down, it seems that from time that everything seems overwhelming for you.
DNJ is absolutely right - it’s completely normal, and healthy... and this too will pass.
Rebuilding yourself after BD is not like climbing a steady hill, getting slightly higher (better) each day.
It’s full of troughs and valleys and sliding down. The measure of progress is not if you’ve just had a couple of crap days and slid back down the hill... it’s “am I higher up the Hill than I was one month/six months/12 months ago?” Inevitably, the answer to that question is always yes.
Learn to see your progress on a longer time scale, and as a wild up and down rollercoaster, and the rough days won’t seem so bad.
Kind18, you are so right. When I look back at the timeline from 2 years ago to now, there ultimately has been an upward slope.
From time to time, I do get overwhelmed. I go from, "why didn't I just file when he was out of the country and have him come ome to the change he stated he wanted?" to " He is speaking to me more, sometimes unprompted, and I seem to have had more shared by him than before."
Cardinal, I miss chatting with you! I will look for that app. I have been reading a lot of fiction that takes place in far away places and, as we are coming out of the lockdowns travel can be on the horizon. I have decided to research places I want to visit, pricing, airlines, hotels and excursions based on places depicted in the books I read. I may never get to all of them, but to write all of these down calms me. Plus something to look forward to!
DNJ your wisdom is always one I look forward to hearing. I need to remember that this is H and his journey. Right now his journey is a diet. LOL, I did remark to my IC that I have definitely seen behaviors that have not been seen for two years. He is more "available" to the pets, has chatted a bit more and he is reversing to previous patterns. We will see how it goes.
I really appreciate every ones viewpoints. I notice not a lot are posting anymore, and it is comforting to have you all here.
Well a month has passed since I last posted, although not much has changed with H, I feel better.
We passed the two year BD anniversary with no fanfare. His behavior has been a lot of the same. He’s been aloof, then chatty then he remembers he shouldn’t speak with me or D.
We are now all fully vaccinated, so D and I are having fun out in the world. He seems to be focused on his hobby, staying home to get it ready.
He has traveled since vaccinated for work (really for work) and was recently gone for the week. He actually came in and mumbled he would be gone a week, and the morning he left, he came in and let me know he was leaving and when he’d be back.
I do not know if the OW is relevant to him anymore. She’s posted on social media she’s engaged to him, but it’s funny, she posted a new profile picture and any man that commented how great she looked, those comments have been deleted. So very high school behavior.
My IC mentioned that maybe I should speak to him when I feel he is “chatty and nice” regarding that I still am not planning on divorce, but that is something I do not want to do. With his ups and downs, I feel that would push him even further away. Plus I know that is rule one, no R talk.
Anyway, just thought I’d update for the few of you that still are here.
