I am going to do it. I will wait until there is an outing that my D and I are doing, and then I will ask if he wants to join us. I decided having D along will be less threatening for him. I’ll update.
Well, after all of that, I decided to not ask. His behavior has not changed, but the other night, after he had been sleeping, I heard him mumble into the phone, “I’ll talk to you tomorrow, I love you”. So I just backed off of my chattiness and did my thing.
This time, he has not closed us off completely, and that is different. So, I am just going to continue to GAL and that fine with me.
I hope those that celebrate had a nice day. We are not yet vaccinated, so I had told my parents we would not be joining them for dinner, but would try to stop by and socially distant outside for a few minutes. I had told H of this plan. When it was time to go, H did not want to go. I was disappointed. But when D and I returned, he wandered out if the bedroom and sat and listened to the details of our visit. He then got a helping of the food I had set out, ate with us in the room and thanked me.
This morning, he left and came home with baked goods for our breakfast. So his actions are conflicting. I am proud that I did not say anything to him about not going. I will take that as a little victory.
Good for you not saying anything to H about him deciding to not go with you and D.
H’s behaviour and actions are conflicting, which reflect the conflict within him. Yet he listened about your visit and sat with you and daughter for supper. Continuing with breakfast baked goodies.
The conflicted will travel their path in spurts and stalls. H’s current trajectory seems to be in a welcomed direction. Continue your no pressure approach while being kind and compassionate. Keep living a great life and let H decide to join you.
If he decides or When he decides - matters not. His choice is upon him. You live your wonderful life regardless. That is really the solution to the puzzle we all face. And I believe you are doing a fine job of it.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
So we are almost at the two year mark from when he told me he "wasn't happy" So in these two years, has he found "happiness"?
I know when he first BD, he was leaving to work out of the country and was gone 3+ months. He had to have been happy. He had his little fantasy life, in fact, got engaged and lived without a care in the world. THen he returned, the engagement fizzled out and he found another one in the other country. He has not been back to the other country since mid summer last year. He lives in our home, in a bedroom, doesn't seem to even be on social media anymore. (he has accounts, not using them) If he has an OW here, he sees them in the morning before work and he is home every night (99.9%) by 3:00 or 4:00 pm. He is home on the weekends, his friends have their own lives and families, even the single ones. His one friend that he would do things with, checked himself into rehab for alcohol. He does not really stay connected with his mom, (I do) does not speak to his brother (since before BD) and he has had issues with his dad. His only constant is his uncle, who is a dear. But even then, H does not see him often because of covid.
I still have all control over money. If he has money from some other source, I do not think it would be a lot.
So is H happy two years down the road? In my opinion, he probably isn't. Unless he says, he is happy to not be married to me, but plot twist, he still is.
I just had to get all of this written down.
I had been very frustrated by the plateau that we are on, I see progress, but not a speedy progress. Someone wrote, why give in the towel when there is still progress? I feel this a lot. I just need to continue my GAL and continue to pray that he comes around. I hope I am still here when he does.
Most times the progress is slow and other times it is glacier slow. Still, it’s progress.
Yes, it can be frustrating at times. H is living at home and you see him and his journey, or a bit of it, more often than others may in their situations. That is going to produce some feelings. Temporary feelings. Let ‘em pass. Gal. Stand for you.
Two years, and agree with you, XH is not happy. Friends, Mom, brother, Dad, and even his seldom visited uncle all indicate that external plateau that you see. Living in his bedroom, no social media and so on. Depression sounding, yes? Hard to know/see what is transpiring internally within H; what progress is occurring.
Perhaps running is winding down and depression is starting to settle in. Perhaps off and on.
Originally Posted by PLC
I had been very frustrated by the plateau that we are on
(((Hugs)))
Why are you on his plateau?
Now, don’t go throwing in the towel. It’s just stepping away from his path and his moving slowly.
By the way, I see you doing just that most of the time. This reflection and writing down the past two years although good has influenced your feelings. From my experience, it is also challenging your beliefs and values. A very good and necessary step along one’s path.
Seek your beliefs. Strengthen those you like, those that serve you. Alter or discard those that don’t. As you said, continue GAL, continue your journey.
I was quite serious when I stated you are living your life wonderfully. I do hope you believe as well.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
After I wrote my two year thoughts on H, I asked myself what “I” have accomplished in 2 years.
Well, I’m still here. That isn’t a complaint, just an observation. Covid has allowed more at home, that has been hard, but really, I joined a gym, made new friends that I still have kept in contact with during the shut downs. (I actually have plans with one, as soon as I get my second jab) I have done stuff that I wanted to do. I haven’t been rude, I just Am catering to me. I have realized I can make it, although I want him with me, I know I’ll be ok. IC has been ever so helpful, just to vent.
I have seen chattiness and experienced extreme silence. I have felt lower than lows, I don’t let the lows stay with me. I can’t. I also have had normal days.
I did not see him at all yesterday. This morning, he was still home when I got up. So I asked if he was working over night and he told me he’d be home around 10. So I don’t expect him anytime soon. D went away for the weekend, so I am experiencing just me and the dogs. I have plans to clean out a storage shed this weekend. If he is not working, I assume I will only see him when he wants food.
I get pangs of anxiety when he does something different, like “what does that mean? Is he planning on leaving?” Then I think, if he does, he does. It would still be hard, but that world ended two years ago. This is my new world.
It is supposed to be perfect weather here, so maybe Sunday a trip to the beach is on order.
Let ‘em pass. Gal. Stand for you.