Today might be another showing of another 180. H worked this week overnights. I work from home in Friday’s so, we will be home together. I have ordered new items for the home and am getting rid of other stuff. I have deliveries scheduled for today. I have always been cautious with money, now with this IHS, I have total control and have budgeted it out. In the past I would mention that I liked something and he would blindly say, “buy it” with no regard to bills. So now I am “buying it”. So I think, spending money and not asking about the tattoo, is totally different.
Yes, they arrived and I spent Friday and Saturday replacing it a and purging a lot more than I anticipated.
I ended up with three large boxes of items for donation and another two bags full of linens to donate. Our vet takes towels, and I have so many to give, they will be set for a while.
H was around, and he commented the dishes I bought looked “cool”. He, for whatever reason, ate dinner where D and I had eaten earlier. I can’t tell you the last time he did that.
The next meal he was back to his new normal. My IC thinks that I have a “ new energy” and that possibly H senses. Either way, I am happy with what I accomplished and this weekend there may be more!
I smiled with purging more than anticipated or even intended. Once we get going there is quite a bit of accumulated clutter we can clean out of our lives. (Haha, that has deeper meaning than I was writing it for. Funny how that happens.)
I believe you have a “new energy” as well.
Good to see you happy with the results and looking forward to the next volley of work. I plan on doing some more clean up this weekend as well.
Take care.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Well the weekend is over and I had the friendly H. I was working from home yesterday and felt like getting a pizza. So I texted him in the other room and asked if he would go get a pizza. Surprisingly, he replied yes and went to go get it. He did not eat with D and I, though.
Today is our 29th wedding anniversary. I have feelings of sadness. Just about how things were before BD, and all of the really good years. Like 29 years ago, we were invincible. I did not bring this up to him. I know no R talk. I get overwhelming feelings though of wanting to talk to him. Especially when he seems so “normal”. I know if I asked if D is really what he wants, #1that would be silly to ask, because it would be so out of the blue, after this long to now ask? No, I won’t. And #2 if he said, that he wanted to stay together, I honestly have no idea of how to get to that point. Right now he’s just living in the bedroom, working and working out. He’s more “available” for small chat, but he’s done this before.
Maybe this is a thaw, but I am needing to see more and I am hoping that I will have a clear signal. I know people might think I’m nuts or delusional but I still love him, and I want to work things out. I refuse, at this moment, to file, since this is not what I want. Every week when I speak to my IC, she reminds me his actions have been opposite of what he said. I still have a hard time seeing that.
I’m just rambling tonight, tomorrow will be better,
Those special days do tug at our heart and recollection of a different time.
Yes, 29 years ago, young and invincible. The very things a troubled person within the grips of an emotional crisis is trying to recapture. If only they could see. If only they could realize one can be older and vulnerable and happy. That it is ok. Of course, that’s the problem - the crisis of midlife.
Everyone experiences a transition around midlife, as we realize more sand is in the bottom of our hourglass than the top; and there is no flipping it over. YOLO - you only live once - takes on profound meaning for those who embrace its enlightenment. And no, it is not a dare to do something foolish or daredevil like.
As we move into the phase of contemplating our life’s work - career, family, friends, faith, and such - we find peace and contentment as we find the “gold” in our golden years, or we run to find that “gold” which we feel we missed out on. The MLCer is in the latter category compounded with past trauma(s) that must find resolution before they can ever find peace or true happiness. A midlife crisis is a midlife transition gone very badly off the rails.
Perhaps, in time H will get there. He is a low energy type. My XW is a high energy vanisher. Neither one is better at awaken, it depends upon them. Although H does seem to be causing less damage in his wake so there is less that he needs to face. And I do believe he is starting to face his life and choices that have lead him here.
Good for you not questioning H or bring up those desired topics. Yes, H is not ready to discuss those. And by the way, he probably knows what day it was too. You being kind and cordial, asking him to pick up a pizza, is good. Give him time and space to sort out his feelings. Continue not blaming or being judgemental. H’s actions are counter to his words. Believe nothing they say, and half of what they do. H is confused, of course you won’t know what he is feeling/thinking, he doesn’t even know.
You are absolutely correct you need to see more. H may be thawing and he may regress somewhat, definitely will if he is pressured. Let him come to you, with a clearer signal, and even then tread gently.
Something to consider:
Quote
I refuse choose, at this moment, to file, since this is not what I want.
Refuse keeps things confrontational. Let go. You made your choice, for you. It has little to do with H, so don’t tie it to him. And don’t refuse or fight your choice. Embrace it. You can always choose differently if you need to later, nothing is carved in stone.
Originally Posted by PLC
I know people might think I’m nuts or delusional but I still love him, and I want to work things out.
You are not delusional. For most of those IRL, until someone walks in our shoes they really have no experience and no reference. And since we are new to walking this path our experience is rather limited as well and self doubts grow.
Loving our spouse and wanting things to work out are two separate items. Most times those are tied together. Good for you seeing and keeping them separate.
You can love H. I still love J. That doesn’t preclude doing what is necessary nor blind you. In fact, the love that returns as indifference is unwound is far more unconditional than which we started with.
Letting go, compassion, understanding, acceptance, forgiveness; our lives go from blissfully unaware to blissfully aware - in my humble opinion. A pretty awesome transition and embracing of the blessings of this path.
Have a great day.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I AM Loyal. That is a strong part of my personality. Sometimes I think my loyalty may be the only source of a calmness that he is dealing with and possibly, if a MLC can feel anything “guilt-wise”, that he knows at home he’s not in chaos.
I read your words yesterday when I came home at lunch and it is really nice to have something to think about as I go back to work and get me through. Sometimes, we LBS’ only can focus on the current state we are in and need sometime to guide us to a different perspective.
I’m wondering, does anyone ever have the overwhelming feeling to ask their MLC IHS spouse to go anywhere? The weather has been so beautiful and he’s home, and when I leave to head out, I often want to ask if he wants to come along. I don’t, because he has not done the same with me or even D, and most times he still leaves without a word. We just hear the door open and close and he’s out. But because of his “normal ness” I feel “normal” and want to ask him to join me.
Anyway, yesterday was better and today has the potential to even top that! (As I write from bed in pjs,how can it not?)
