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A Message from Michele
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Re: Trying to heal from WW [Re: Thornton] #2915409
02/21/21 04:08 PM
02/21/21 04:08 PM
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 145
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Drh2001 Offline
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Drh2001  Offline
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Originally Posted by Thornton
Good call on not texting her. You would have regretted it.

One thing helped me when I was in the thick of it was the stop sign technique.

When you start thinking about her, imagine a stop sign in your mind. And keep your focus on that stop sign and verbally say the word “stop”.

It takes practice to get good at it. Your thoughts, at first, will keep reverting back to your W. Just go back to the stop sign technique.

Hang in there man. I promise it gets better with time.



I shall remember this Thornton. I still think about WW. I do miss her. I miss what used to be her. Now a nasty wayward has taken her place. Remembering who she has become is that stop sign. It's such a terrible way to end a marriage.

Last edited by Drh2001; 02/21/21 04:09 PM.
Re: Trying to heal from WW [Re: Ace_32] #2915470
02/23/21 11:55 AM
02/23/21 11:55 AM
Joined: Jan 2021
Posts: 44
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Ace_32 Online OP
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Ace_32  Online OP
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Posts: 44
Hi Thornton, you are right i would have regretted it.

I have read about the stop sign technique before, im trying to implement it the last few days after your message reminded me of it. Thanks for the advice and encouragement.

Thanks Sandi, i know it didnt happen overnight. i am still really struggling to accept how she turned on me the way she did and doesnt seem to care at all, i guess pretty much everyone that goes through this will question why it is all happening. I have read through a few of their threads, there is alot more to go through still.

I saw your message about the posts being alot less than usual lately, i have noticed that too. Im a bit despondent the last few days, almost at the point of thinking why bother with trying anymore she obviously doesnt care and nothing changes. Dont think she even cares how long its been since we spoke or how im doing. I still havent received divorce papers, as far as i knew she was going to file about a month ago but nothing yet and not a word from her. Not sure if she has filed yet or not. Feeling very anxious lately and obsessing about what i have lost and what could have been.


Me 32, W 24
T 6, M 3
No kids
BD: Aug 2020
OM: Jan 2021
Wife to file soon
Re: Trying to heal from WW [Re: Ace_32] #2915472
02/23/21 12:06 PM
02/23/21 12:06 PM
Joined: Oct 2020
Posts: 310
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OnlyBent Online
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OnlyBent  Online
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Joined: Oct 2020
Posts: 310
But you have to accept it Ace, because what choice did you have?

I know it’s not easy, but focus on ways to make Ace more awesome.


Me: 38 W:40
T: 14 M: 11
S: 4
BD1: IHS Nov 2019
BD2: ILYBNILWY Jun 2020
OM since Jun 2020
W moves out Aug 2020

"If you don't create a beautiful future, your brain will do one for you and it's not good"
Re: Trying to heal from WW [Re: Ace_32] #2915473
02/23/21 12:54 PM
02/23/21 12:54 PM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 6,144
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LH19 Online
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Originally Posted by Ace_32
Feeling very anxious lately and obsessing about what i have lost and what could have been.

So Ace this is why are you are suffering so much. You are living in a fantasy world just like your Stbxw. What have you lost? A woman who has cheated on you more then once including with your BF. What could have been? More years of her lying, cheating and not giving to $hits about your feelings.

I know this is tough but you are young and have no kids so consider that a blessing. You need to get stronger and learn to love yourself and know your value. It will take some time but you will bounce back from this and thrive. Enjoy the journey and you will get to your destination.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
Re: Trying to heal from WW [Re: Ace_32] #2915488
02/23/21 04:46 PM
02/23/21 04:46 PM
Joined: Jan 2021
Posts: 44
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Ace_32 Online OP
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Ace_32  Online OP
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Posts: 44
Hi OB, true i dont have a choice but to accept it. I know this is my new reality and my new normal but i tend to live in the past too much and feel sorry for myself which isnt doing me any good, need to just start pulling myself out of this one step at a time. Been keeping up with my exercise and reading, havent had too much social interaction other than at work. I moved to a new coastal town in SA that is very quiet at the beginning of Jan, trying to use the quiet to figure myself out though and learn to be ok on my own. I think i am getting there but its a slow process.

Thanks LH for a bit of a wake up call, i have been overthinking and looking at things with rose coloured glasses. Its true, things weren't as good as i try to make myself believe. I lost my whole life i built for the last few years and the most important person in my world, i do realise that it wasnt a healthy situation though and in the long run hopefully this will all make sense and i will find real happiness. Its just difficult to see the light at the moment but thanks for the encouragement.


Me 32, W 24
T 6, M 3
No kids
BD: Aug 2020
OM: Jan 2021
Wife to file soon
Re: Trying to heal from WW [Re: Ace_32] #2915495
02/23/21 05:31 PM
02/23/21 05:31 PM
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 2,587
Missouruh
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ovrrnbw Offline
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Missouruh
Originally Posted by Ace_32
Hi Thornton, you are right i would have regretted it.

I have read about the stop sign technique before, im trying to implement it the last few days after your message reminded me of it. Thanks for the advice and encouragement.

Thanks Sandi, i know it didnt happen overnight. i am still really struggling to accept how she turned on me the way she did and doesnt seem to care at all, i guess pretty much everyone that goes through this will question why it is all happening. I have read through a few of their threads, there is alot more to go through still.

I saw your message about the posts being alot less than usual lately, i have noticed that too. Im a bit despondent the last few days, almost at the point of thinking why bother with trying anymore she obviously doesnt care and nothing changes. Dont think she even cares how long its been since we spoke or how im doing. I still havent received divorce papers, as far as i knew she was going to file about a month ago but nothing yet and not a word from her. Not sure if she has filed yet or not. Feeling very anxious lately and obsessing about what i have lost and what could have been.

FYI most states you can tell online. There are website for court filings, usually criminal, but will show civil suits as well.

It is normal to experience what you are feeling right now. Lean on family and friends. Tell yourself several times a day that it is out of your hands, remind yourself constantly that today could be the last day of your marriage. Of course, all of these things were true before BD as well. This is indeed reality for all of us.

Continue to detach from her.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Re: Trying to heal from WW [Re: Ace_32] #2915496
02/23/21 05:38 PM
02/23/21 05:38 PM
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 2,587
Missouruh
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ovrrnbw Offline
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Missouruh
Originally Posted by Ace_32
I haven't spoken to WW in a month basically since i confronted her about seeing my friemd , but i really miss her right now and have had a few drinks. Im not going to message her, was very close to though.

This is honestly the worst feeling in the world and i wouldnt even wish this on my enemy.

In the first 2 months of my sitch, I knew if I drank that I would be texting or calling my W, so I didn't do it. Until your are to that point, don't drink IMO. Know your strengths and know your weaknesses. Make plans to best utilize your strengths and cover each weakness. Do this in sports, business, relationships.

Eventually I got a little better and went out drinking with friends and did social things. I don't know what things are like in your area, but if you can get out and socialize it would be good. Interact with women, rebuild your confidence, have some fun. Learn how to have good, attractive posture in public. When I realized there were women out there who wanted me and were interested in me it was a big self esteem boost. I promise you, there are women out there who would treat you better than your WW is. Once you get through your attachment this will be more obvious.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Re: Trying to heal from WW [Re: Ace_32] #2915564
02/24/21 04:40 PM
02/24/21 04:40 PM
Joined: Jan 2021
Posts: 44
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Ace_32 Online OP
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Ace_32  Online OP
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Posts: 44
Hi ovrrnbw, im not in the states so im not aware of a way to check in my country. But i guess it doesnt actually matter, it just makes the limbo last a bit longer. Its not like i think she is having second thought or anything, i know it is a 99% certainty that the divorce will be finalised soon. I feel mostly detached but there are still times when i think about her too much. My family have really been there for me through this.

I did the same in the first few months, messaging her when i had drank bit i havent done it in over a month now. Drinking a little less than usual i think as well. Very quiet area im in at the moment, not too many young people but i think its good for me to go out by myself and exercise and do my own thing while i build my confidence and figure things out. I have already noticed quite a big change in my physique from gym which is giving me more confidence. I know there are women who would be more compatible and treat my better, when the time is right i will be ready and im really looking forward to that.

Just wanted to chime in regarding Sandi's thread about less activity on the forum, in my opinion when i first found the site i was looking for a way to save my marriage but the longer i read peoples sitches the more i lost hope of reconciliation. When i eventually started posting i think i still had a bit of hope left and was looking for advice about R or just to come to terms with moving on and that everything will be ok. It opened my eyes a bit more to have responses and advice regarding my own sitch rather than just reading about people you had never met. I think maybe people give up on the board and posting once they lose hope, i have almost stopped posting and checking the board a few times but i feel like it helps me to be here.

Something i heard the other day that i thought was quite cool: "turn your test into your testimony". The way we get through these tests in our life determine how we grow and who we become and we can use our story to help other people who are going through a similar thing in the future. The veterans here are great examples of this and always trying to help people though these things because they have experienced it. I hope one day i can use this pain to help others too.


Me 32, W 24
T 6, M 3
No kids
BD: Aug 2020
OM: Jan 2021
Wife to file soon
Re: Trying to heal from WW [Re: Ace_32] #2915871
03/02/21 06:14 AM
03/02/21 06:14 AM
Joined: Oct 2020
Posts: 310
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OnlyBent Online
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OnlyBent  Online
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Joined: Oct 2020
Posts: 310
Hey Ace, what's the latest mate?


Me: 38 W:40
T: 14 M: 11
S: 4
BD1: IHS Nov 2019
BD2: ILYBNILWY Jun 2020
OM since Jun 2020
W moves out Aug 2020

"If you don't create a beautiful future, your brain will do one for you and it's not good"
Re: Trying to heal from WW [Re: Ace_32] #2915876
03/02/21 08:40 AM
03/02/21 08:40 AM
Joined: Jan 2021
Posts: 44
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Ace_32 Online OP
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Ace_32  Online OP
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Joined: Jan 2021
Posts: 44
Hi OnlyBent, thanks for checking in. Honestly not too much to report on my side, still haven't heard from WW in over a month and havent contacted her. Also no divorce papers yet.

Been keeping up to date with my podcasts and exercising, slacking a little on the reading and still leaning on my crutches too much. Also not really meeting new people as i mostly just do my own thing and the area i am in is very seasonal and quiet at the moment.

Took a look at your latest update, it sounds like you are doing nicely and its great that you are getting your confidence back. Anniversaries are always tough, i haven't gotten to mine yet but i can imagine it will be quite emotional when it does happen. It is just another day, but it will be difficult not to think back on memories and its also a reminder of what has happened and been lost.


Me 32, W 24
T 6, M 3
No kids
BD: Aug 2020
OM: Jan 2021
Wife to file soon
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