Trying to heal from WW

[harvey]

I wonder how long it will take her to get curious and want to reach out but i guess it doesn't really matter anymore, need to change the way i think about things.

We all wonder this. From my observations and my own sitch, at DB they couldn't care less about what you are doing--especially if an OM is involved. The odds are that they won't reach out, but it does happen--especially if an OM is involved and that relationship doesn't work out. Then again, many just move onto OM2.

[harvey]

Sandi, i have always kept my hopes up but they are probably at their lowest point the last few weeks. Ive also read statistics about how many couples survive seperations and its not good, even checking the board here its very rare to see a success story. Its all very discouraging, depends on how you look at it though. The 5% or whatever that make it probably didnt think they would either though so you never know if your sitch could be the one where a miracle happens. I also think hope is a good thing, hoping for reconciliation kept me going and as time goes you can start hoping for other good things to happen.

Don't get too caught up in the odds. If you feel like standing, then stand. I didn't have the patience. It was more like I didn't have the want to after awhile. I crunched numbers at the beginning of my sitch--because I'm a stats person.

What I've read is that over 50% of divorcees regret it (but I haven't seen it broken down my the leaver and the leavee) and that 10% of people remarry a former spouse. My best guess was that ~40% of leavers regret their decision. Maybe 1/2 those reach out to the former spouse and 1/2 of those reconcile (for the other half the leavee has moved on).

[sandi2]

I wonder how long it will take her to get curious and want to reach out but i guess it doesn't really matter anymore, need to change the way i think about things.

Her reaching out to you b/c of curiosity is not the goal. What I mean is that her reaching out to you b/c she's curious, often includes her taking your emotional temperature to see how attached you are. I'm not saying that's a bad thing, just as long as you don't make anything out of it, and see it as a temp check.

The final goal, is her reaching out due to her remorse.......and HUMILTIY. I don't think a wayward can recover without humility. It's very hard for a wayward to reach that point, b/c they are so full of themselves. You can't be humble until you lose the sense of entitlement and flush all that selfishness down the drain.

The bad thing is that WW's are usually pretty good at acting and manipulation. Combine those skills with the LBH's hopes.........well, you might see how they could have a false start to reconciliation. It happens.

Remember this...........waywardness is a heart condition. The heart becomes cold and hard. If you wonder if she's being genuine, watch her behavior, her speech, and her attitude. If these three consistently match, there's your answer. If she says one thing but her attitude says another........it's not real.

[OnlyBent]

I wonder how long it will take her to get curious and want to reach out but i guess it doesn't really matter anymore, need to change the way i think about things.

Just assume it will be never Ace, then you'll be fine no matter what.

I also think hope is a good thing, hoping for reconciliation kept me going and as time goes you can start hoping for other good things to happen.

Don't hope that your life will be amazing, KNOW that it will be amazing no matter what, but you have to make it so.

Also agree that the world is changing and people are alot more selfish in general and have unrealistic expectations. Social media also makes people seem happy and like they have amazing lives which makes people start thinking the grass would be greener with someone else. And then the hollywood rom coms etc. as well makes them think that love is supposed to be a certain way and its impossible to live up to those standards. Years is a long time to wait around, thats why i get the advice about GAL and move on. If it happens down the line and we get another chance then great we can see if its something we both want but hanging around waiting and effectively wasting a few years of your life is crazy.

Ace, from what I've read and experienced, most guys are pretty rubbish at being husbands first time round, not because they're malicious, just because we don't know any better. Some of us are lucky, yes lucky, that our Ws get fed up and end things. It hurts so much that we make sure we grow and develop so that it never happens to us or our children. Now the W will move on with someone new, and at the start they get the Insta/Social Media/Hollywood rom-com version that they thought that love was supposed to be. If they are lucky to get a man who has fixed his issues and now gets it, then the grass would indeed be greener. More likely, because what guy who gets it would move on another man's W, they will end up with a man who shows his crappy side eventually.

In the meantime, Ace has gone and improved himself and is living an A+ life. How appealing does Ace look now, but most likely, Ace has realised that he likes his new life and is no longer interested. I have heard versions of this story time and again.

[OnlyBent]

No it's because of what I said above and people are terrible at DB. I guarantee you that in the beginning if the LBS said "get your $hit and get the fuch out of the house" at bomb drop you would see a ton more recons. Like in your sitch Bent you gave your W way too much time to get comfortable in a relationship with OM. Lucky for you that was the best thing that ever happened to you. You just don't know it yet.

LH i actually completely agree with what you said here, if i did that in the beginning and went NC from the beginning she probably would have second guessed her decision. And i also tried to nice her back the first few months and was always willing to talk whenever she wanted and was always there for her, basically let her cake eat while she looked for someone else... think with time i will realise it was a good thing, the people that know me best say the same thing.[/quote]

I am in complete agreement here too. Ace, I am a bit further ahead than you and I am seeing that it is a good thing, I still have my moments but getting there. I have also had close friends say the same thing.

[Ace_32]

Thanks for your responses Harvey, Sandi and OnlyBent. I dont have the energy to respond to everything right now but i just wanted to say im grateful for finding this board. It really does help to get opinions from people have been through similar things and to interact with like minded people. I really appreciate all you guys that take some of your time and try help out, its much appreciated and helps get a different perspective.

[Ace_32]

Thanks for your responses Harvey, Sandi and OnlyBent. I dont have the energy to respond to everything right now but i just wanted to say im grateful for finding this board. It really does help to get opinions from people have been through similar things and to interact with like minded people. I really appreciate all you guys that take some of your time and try help out, its much appreciated and helps get a different perspective.

[Ace_32]

I haven't spoken to WW in a month basically since i confronted her about seeing my friemd , but i really miss her right now and have had a few drinks. Im not going to message her, was very close to though.

This is honestly the worst feeling in the world and i wouldnt even wish this on my enemy.

[Thornton]

Good call on not texting her. You would have regretted it.

One thing helped me when I was in the thick of it was the stop sign technique.

When you start thinking about her, imagine a stop sign in your mind. And keep your focus on that stop sign and verbally say the word “stop”.

It takes practice to get good at it. Your thoughts, at first, will keep reverting back to your W. Just go back to the stop sign technique.

Hang in there man. I promise it gets better with time.

[sandi2]

I haven't spoken to WW in a month basically since i confronted her about seeing my friemd , but i really miss her right now and have had a few drinks. Im not going to message her, was very close to though.

This is honestly the worst feeling in the world and i wouldnt even wish this on my enemy.

Going an entire month of NC is great!

It's okay for you to miss the person you married. I want you to understand that you are judged for loving your W. She didn't fall out of love with you overnight, and you will probably always have feelings for the W she use to be. That's okay. Unfortunately, this is part of going through the breakup. It stinks, but you have to feel it and deal with it.

I suppose most people have something they turn to in times of emotional pain. Usually, it's not good for us. If your resolve lowers when you drink, you may need to find some other method of getting through that period. Just don't turn to drugs or things of that nature. ((hugs))

The board has a few LBH's who have been around for years. They are here to help others, and let them know that their life will definitely improve. LH, Another Stander, & Ready are divorced, but they all talk about their lives improving, in spite of not saving their M's. Maybe reading their posts during down times would encourage you.