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dmrafa #2915019 02/14/21 09:54 PM
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Let me give you some more details and address some of the points above:

- a few months before I found the forum I consulted with 2 lawyers regarding my rights and obligations to my W and S6 in case we separated. Both attorneys assured me that if we end up in court she will not be able to take S6 to another state without my consent. Our separation, as well as his change of home, loss of friends, support network and a few other factors should be more than enough for a judge to rule in favour of our kid staying in his current environment.

- we do have an extra room that is used by guests staying at our house. I have not asked her to move there yet but will attempt to do so. She is also trying to rent another apartment/house for herself. It might be that OM is pressuring her to move out.

- I have complete control over finances, she has access to her own money/savings. At the moment both her previous job and my current job can not be done from home and we decided (before last summer's BD) that she will quit her job to stay home with S6 as he needs help with home schooling. She will pay for her trip to see OM either with her own savings or more likely he will pay for her. We currently pay for most of the bills 50%/50%.

- ever since BD I have been GAL-ing with my friends and S6 almost every weekend. I do like spending time outdoors so there have been plenty of hikes, beach/mountain visits, riding, surfing, theme parks, etc. Sometimes my WW would join, but that would be very rarely.

- Sandy has a very good question and she hit the nail on the head with it! Only two things have changed between us since the beginning of IHS. As I mentioned in my earlier post, we still sleep in the same bed, have meals together and we both do almost all of the household chores and helping S6 with school. The first change since we started the "separation" - we barely talk outside of S6 logistics. The second change would be the almost complete lack of sex and intimacy between us. After the first BD the intimacy actually intensified until the second BD. After the second BD the sex went down the drain. As I have noticed in some of the other sitches as well, my WW stopped dressing/undressing in front of me but rather in the other room or bathroom.

I really don't know where things will go from here. I know for myself that I definitely do not want to be with a person that is able so easily to throw away all trust and shared history together. On the other hand, I would prefer to keep my family intact but she will have to really change and humble herself and I don't see that one happening soon or at all. I am currently working on detachment but then again since we see each other every day and spend time with S6 together she and S6 are on my mind constantly.

dmrafa #2915026 02/14/21 11:13 PM
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dmrafa, we all come here with that perspective. We don't like who are WS has become, but we also do not want to lose the intact family that we have. The problem is that we unfortunately don't get to make that choice. It takes two to work on a MR, it only takes one to make it end in D. So focus on what you can control: YOU!

Two things, first you shouldn't even consider sex with a S that is in an active PA. Protect your health. Most people even advocate that you should make a full STD screening a requirement for R if she ever decides to come back. And you shouldn't share a bed with a S in an active PA, but you should also not give up the MBR. So you move her into the guest bedroom. Just move her stuff in there and tell her she isn't welcome in the MBR.

dmrafa, gaining her respect is the most important thing right now. If you try to nice her back you will just cause her to respect you less. Take the strong step of kicking her out of the MBR and she may hate you for it....but she will respect you! And gaining her respect is the first step back.


M(52), W(53),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
SteveLW #2915106 02/16/21 12:38 AM
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Originally Posted by Steve85
Take the strong step of kicking her out of the MBR and she may hate you for it....but she will respect you! And gaining her respect is the first step back.
Just to clarify, you are RESPECFULLY moving her things out of your room. Completely control your emotions during this. Walk away from any sitch where you will become emotional.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
dmrafa #2915241 02/17/21 10:41 PM
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So what you are saying is that your WW has not forfeited very much due to her cheating. She gets to keep her affair, and she gets the benefits of marriage.


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ever since BD I have been GAL-ing with my friends and S6 almost every weekend. I do like spending time outdoors so there have been plenty of hikes, beach/mountain visits, riding, surfing, theme parks, etc.


That is great, and so important.

I encourage you to read everything in Cadet's welcome post. Then think about setting boundaries. If you are going to live under the same roof with her, you must have boundaries in place to protect your self respect.

IMHO, the LBH needs a plan of action. He needs to set small goals for himself. Otherwise, you rot away with all the mess going on under your nose.

I hope you'll give us more details, and hope you'll post often.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
dmrafa #2915276 02/18/21 06:49 AM
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On the other hand, I would prefer to keep my family intact but she will have to really change and humble herself and I don't see that one happening soon or at all.


I take you saying "keep my family intact" as meaning to save the marriage. Something to consider is that it is no longer intact in her eyes and since it only takes one person to end a marriage, she is right. It may feel like a gut punch, but it is the reality of your situation. Confront the reality of your situation with the best attitude you have. Be smart.

Like Sandi said, she is getting everything from you that she wants and tossing away the parts she doesn't care for. Is that ok to you? Probably not, I know, but what are your actions saying? Do your actions reflect that you have actually heard her and understand her? Like R2C said, it would be a good idea to move her stuff to the other bedroom. She isn't your woman after all, and it is strange to continue as if she is. You say and act like that from a position of strength and internal confidence. You don't do this to hurt her or get snippy about it. You stick to the facts and keep your emotions to yourself when around her.

Anyways, more details would help.

Last edited by ovrrnbw; 02/18/21 06:50 AM.

H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
dmrafa #2915277 02/18/21 06:53 AM
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Also I remember mid May of 2018 when I took back the master bedroom. I was scared. My WW was yelling at me. I had planned out what to say and stuck to that. "You having an affair, I am going to sleep in my bed. You can sleep elsewhere".

The words weren't particularly strong and I doubt my posture and tone were either, but it was a big step for me to take back the initiative - to become proactive and not reactive.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
dmrafa #2915374 02/20/21 02:35 PM
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Thank you, guys, for all the insightful feedback.

Here is the latest about our sitch. A couple of days ago was when WW was supposed to visit OM. We had a few talks in the days before her departure and I actually told her that I know where she is going and what she will be doing but did not tell her explicitly to go or not. Her intentions were that she wanted to go but had an emotional breakdown in the last moment, turned around and came home. She also told OM that she doesn't love him and then they proceeded to block each other's numbers and what not. In the last couple of days there is more peace at home, however I know that most likely this is not the end of the story. While she told her best friend that she is ashamed of her actions and the pain and destruction she is causing, she never told me any of that. She has not recommited to our relationship and stated that most likely we will need to live separately to see where our relationship goes. I am on the fence deciding how to treat her as on one side my NGS takes over and I can barely stop myself from smothering and nicing her; on the other hand my mind tells me that that is not the best idea as she has not earned the respect and my love back. One other thing I noticed this week is how much influence her actions have on my mind as I turned from sad to happy on the morning she was supposed to leave and later on she decided not to. I admit that I realize that I will be better off to get to a point where her actions have no influence on my emotions, but I am still working on that.

The big question is where do we go from here?! She wants to take S6 and go stay with her parents in another country for one month to clear her mind. This is possible due to the online schooling that S6 has; she will be paying for her trip expenses while I will be covering S6's costs. I think that will be very beneficial for her mental health to do that, however I will not be happy not seeing my child for a month.

Sandi wrote earlier that my WW is conveniently enjoying both the affair and the comfort and security of home. This is very objective and correct view on the sitch and I believe it is my mistake for enabling it for so long. I think my lesson here is not to be so passive going forward and confront her immediately if any such disrespect occurs.

I have a few questions below and will appreciate any advice.


1. Should I call OM and tell him to never contact her again for any reason whatsoever? I have a feeling that this might not be the most productive conversation but still.

2. Should I ask her to block him on all possible SM and other means of communication and delete all the photos that she has of them together?

3. Should I set a boundary if she ever contacts him or vice versa (and she replies) she will have to leave the house immediately? As in the previous advice, I am not going to tell her that boundary but rather act if there is any contact between them.

I know my WW pretty well and I know that she has a very weak willpower and either she will contact OM first or he will reach out to her. I am afraid in a few days when the stress wears off and she gets bored with the house chores she might get depressed and hopeless and reach out to her "special drug" for relieve and some more fantasy pills. And then we find ourselves in the same cycle. Other than GAL and not pursuing should I be doing anything else?

dmrafa #2915393 02/21/21 12:47 AM
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dmrafa Offline OP
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Thank you, guys, for all the insightful feedback.

Here is the latest about our sitch. A couple of days ago was when WW was supposed to visit OM. We had a few talks in the days before her departure and I told her that I know where she is going and what she will be doing but did not tell her explicitly to go or not. Her intentions were that she wanted to go but had an emotional breakdown in the last moment, turned around and came home. She also told OM that she doesn't love him and then they proceeded to block each other's numbers and what not. In the last couple of days there is more peace at home, however I know that most likely this is not the end of the story. While she told her best friend that she is ashamed of her actions and the pain and destruction she is causing, she never told me any of that. She has not recommited to our relationship and stated that most likely we will need to live separately to see where our relationship goes. I am on the fence deciding how to treat her as on one side my NGS takes over and I can barely stop myself from nicing her; on the other hand my mind tells me that that is not the best idea as she has not earned the respect and my love back. One other thing I noticed this week is how much influence her actions have on my mind as I turned from sad to happy on the morning she was supposed to leave and later on she decided not to. I admit that I realize that I will be better off to get to a point where her actions have no influence on my emotions, but I am still working on that.

The big question is where do we go from here?! She wants to take S6 and go stay with her parents in another country for one month to clear her mind. This is possible due to the online schooling that S6 has; she will be paying for her trip expenses while I will be covering S6's costs. I think that will be very beneficial for her mental health to do that, however I will not be happy not seeing my child for a month.

Sandi wrote earlier that my WW is conveniently enjoying both the affair and the comfort and security of home. This is very objective and correct view on the sitch and I believe it is my mistake for enabling it for so long. I think my lesson here is not to be so passive going forward and confront her immediately if any such disrespect occurs.

I have a few questions below and will appreciate any advice.


1. Should I call OM and tell him to never contact her again for any reason whatsoever? I have a feeling that this might not be the most productive conversation but still.

2. Should I ask her to block him on all possible SM and other means of communication and delete all the photos that she has of them together?

3. Should I set a boundary if she ever contacts him or vice versa and she replies she will have to leave the house immediately? As in the previous advice, I am not going to tell her that boundary but rather act if there is any contact between them.

I know my WW pretty well and I know that she has a very weak willpower and either she will contact OM first or he will reach out to her. I am afraid in a few days when the stress wears off and she gets bored with the house chores she might get depressed and hopeless and reach out to her "special drug" for relieve and some more fantasy pills. And then we find ourselves in the same cycle. Other than GAL and not pursuing should I be doing anything else?

dmrafa #2915404 02/21/21 03:03 PM
Joined: Jan 2021
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dmrafa Offline OP
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Joined: Jan 2021
Posts: 11
Thank you, guys, for all the insightful feedback.

Here is the latest about our sitch. A few days ago was when WW was supposed to visit OM. We had a few talks in the days before her departure and I told her that I know where she is going and what she will be doing but did not tell her explicitly to go or not. Her intentions were that she wanted to go but had an emotional breakdown in the last moment, turned around and came home. She also told OM that she doesn't love him and then they proceeded to block each other's phone numbers. In the last couple of days there is more peace at home, however I know that most likely this is not the end of the story. While she told her best friend that she is ashamed of her actions and the pain and destruction she is causing me, she never told me any of that. She has not recommited to our relationship and stated that most likely we will need to live separately to see where our relationship goes. I am on the fence deciding how to treat her as on one side my NGS takes over and I can barely stop myself from being nice to her; on the other hand my mind tells me that that is not the best idea as she has not earned the respect and my love back. One other thing I noticed this week is how much influence her actions have on my mind as I turned from sad to happy on the morning she was supposed to leave and later on she decided not to. I admit that I realize that I will be better off to get to a point where her actions have no influence on my emotions, but I am still working on that.

The big question is where do we go from here?! She wants to take S6 and go stay with her parents in another country for one month to clear her mind. This is possible due to the online schooling that S6 has; she will be paying for her trip expenses while I will be covering S6's costs. I think that will be very beneficial for her mental health to do that, however I will not be happy not seeing my child for a month.

Sandi wrote earlier that my WW is conveniently enjoying both the affair and the comfort and security of home. This is very objective and correct view on the sitch and I believe it is my mistake for enabling it for so long. I think my lesson here is not to be so passive going forward and confront her immediately if any such disrespect occurs.

I have a few questions below and will appreciate any advice.


1. Should I call OM and tell him to never contact her again for any reason whatsoever? I have a feeling that this might not be the most productive conversation but still.

2. Should I ask her to block him on all possible SM and other means of communication and delete all the photos that she has of them together?

3. Should I set a boundary if she ever contacts him or vice versa and she replies she will have to leave the house immediately?

I know my WW pretty well and I know that she has a very weak willpower and either she will contact OM first or he will reach out to her. I am afraid in a few days when the stress wears off and she gets bored with the house chores she might get depressed and hopeless and reach out to her "special drug" for relieve and more fantasy pills. And then we find ourselves in the same cycle. Other than GAL and not pursuing should I be doing anything else?

dmrafa #2915433 02/22/21 03:22 AM
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You do not know all your options on how to respond. Right now is the time to get yourself knowledge. With knowledge comes power. With the new knowledge, you can make some choices in how to respond to what is going on.
You have many choices to make in many areas. I tried to captures as many words as wisdom from people posting here.

Read as many of these as you can:
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2910892

If you read enough, you will be able to form a plan based on your new insights. Things that typically work are counter intuitive.

Read the boundary thread. Boundaries are about protecting you (and the relationship). It is about how you will behave.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
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