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WAW w/Exit Affair or WW? - Don't Want Divorce (1)
WAW w/Exit Affair or WW? - Don't Want Divorce (2)

One Year Since Bomb Day

One year ago today, the day after I brought her home her favorite flowers for Valentine's Day and two weeks after we returned from a family vacation in Disney, my wife told me we need time apart and may need to separate (aka Bomb Day). It took me less than a day to find out she was having an emotional affair with a married co-worker (who has 3 young daughters) and a few weeks to confirm it had also turned physical.

W & I were together 9 years, married 7 with S5 and D2. We did have disagreements on kids nutrition, screen time, and finances but like so many, no "major" issues (abuse, drugs/alcohol, cheating...etc.), though I now recognize I did have some resentment over SSM. Like many, I "did all the wrong things at first"...begging, pleading, promising to change. I back off a bit but continued pressuring her, relationship talks and trying to get here to admit the affair every few weeks, snooping...a lot (I knew everything). Trying to play nice with her and my family having us together for dinners and Holidays even while she mocked me behind my back (not knowing I knew), in the vein of "nice'ing her back" and trying to keep the family together. Looking back I pressured her even longer than I realized, being overly generous as late as Mother's Day, even when S5 was crying because he "just wanted to see Mommy on Mother's Day', and "talks" in June. I now wish I would have notified her close friends and family of the affair while she was at work with the guy, packed up her things and put them out on the porch for when she returned home at midnight or 1am with a note that read "I won't put up with this affair any longer".

Sometime in the May timeframe when their employer and OM1's wife found out (on their 15th wedding anniversary) about the affair, it ended. Sometime in June/July W started dating OM2, filed for divorce, and subsequently moved out. She talked to our kids about the separation without me (even though we had planned it all with a therapist), and the rose color glasses started to come off. Even then I naively thought she wouldn't introduce/have him stay over with the kids until a more reasonable timeframe, but clearly everything she's doing is in her best interest and not for the kids.

I started reading this site in the Summer and made my first post in July. I dropped all forms of pressure and pursuit, got strong again, and started doing things just for myself and the kids, and have now been DB'ing (not for her but for me and the kids) for 6-8 months now.

So...

180s - Immediately after BD I stopped/"fixed" any behaviors my W criticized, namely being less critical and more complementary. This was before I knew through DB and other sites and that she was simply explaining what led her to her decision rather than asking me to change and/or excusing her actions in her mind by blaming me. I bought a really nice, brand new vehicle which was a 180 because I prided myself on running my car into the ground. This wasn't really for her, it was for me and the kids (now that we wouldn't share two vehicles), but it felt good. I've also done a ton of projects around the house in my new-found spare time which is a 180 because I didn't do much before between no growing up "handy" and having very little time always taking care of the kids, but I've learned a lot and it feels good making improvements.

GAL - In the Summer once W moved out, the tension lifted, and I had plenty of time on my hands without the kids, I played a lot of golf, hung out and drank and play cards with the guys, did dinners with some couples friends. Did a lot of projects outside in the yard and cleared a lot of junk out in the house. That's slowed down in the Winter months. I do get together with friends (brunch, SB party...etc.) but it's less consistent because people are coupled up and have plans. I try to fill my time with inside home improvements (painting, hanging storage wall in garage...etc.). I need to do a better job about getting out when I'm on my own to hike or ski.

Parenting - I'm crushing it. I was a great dad before and always spent tons of time with the kids, but have stepped that up even more. I bend over backwards to flex out of work before/after school and every Friday (even on "W's weeks" I spend as much time with them as her), to be their rock. We've gone to the playground, on hikes, playing, reading books, sledding, gymnastics, coaching S5's sports team...etc, etc. They know they're loved.

Kids - D2 definitely has her rough patches and break downs but it's hard to say if that's the "terrible twos" or due to the separation. S5 is certainly impacted. He's 80-90% normal and 10-20% sad and angry. He gets wistful and cries at times (once for 45 mins and cried himself to sleep in my arms) and gets angry other times, which he never did before. I hope over time me and my family can help him through this hard time - he opens up to my mom; she's his safe person. I've read some people say "kids are resilient" and others say "it will have lasting effects". This is definitely a tough aspect for me right now, but as I've learn on this forum and through other mediums I can only control how I handle it and be their rock.

Dating - I flirted with the idea a month after my wife moved out (there were a few potential opportunities) but ultimately decided against it. Not only did this forum advise against it, but it seemed like the best thing to do for my morals and my children. I want to be able to say to myself and my children I tried everything I could to save my marriage and keep our family intact and did nothing inappropriate before she divorced me. I've had a couple attempted set-ups and been asked a few times when I'll date and I just respond "I'm not interested at this time. My kids are getting 100% of my attention."

Areas for Improvement - I need to get into a regular workout routine. I'm not a too overweight but could have a more athletic build with effort. I lost 30lbs in the first several months after BD and was looking good, but have gained half of that back. If I had worked out regularly been pretty ripped. I've devoted so much time to kids and work so far...need to make time for my own physical health.

Divorce Status - W filed in July; preliminary conference last month. We essentially have agreement on custody and child support. In terms of asset division we've traded financial documents and have agreed on the value of the marital home, but have everything else to address. W said she was open to negotiating without the lawyers to save money and I floated the idea of each taking our own house/car/accounts...etc. as opposed to dragging things out (believe she wants to wrap this up ASAP), but she hasn't responded yet so I'm guessing that's a no-go. Fortunately we live in an equitable (not equal) distribution state and my (significant) pre-martial assets are safe. My lawyer says we're close and should wrap it up quick so it doesn't go sideways but then I don't hear from either side for weeks, and I'm not pushing it.

Current Mindset - It's amazing how in the first few months each day/night seemed like an eternity and now it's already been a year. I was a mess the first 3-4, maybe even 6 months. Severely depressed, struggling to focus on work, and needing help from my parents with the kids. Now I'm crushing it with the kids, back on track at work, hanging with friends, making improvements around the house, and kind of enjoying life. I still have angry moments flair up, but feel much stronger than before and feel the progress I've made.

W appears to be happy with OM2. He moved in soon after she moved out and is staying overnight with my kids (which I hate, but can't control), so they've been dating (having an affair) for at least 6 months. They're planning a Summer vacation together with the kids. I can't see her reversing course and coming back to me. However, even if she did I don't know how I could possibly take her back at this point. She's been with two other men and treated me worse in the last year than anyone has ever treated me in my life. She has hurt her husband (me), her kids, her extended family. The only reason I could possibly entertain letting her try to come back at this point would be if I thought it was in the best interest of my kids, because I never wanted them to go through this and come from a divorced home, but even then it would be a horribly difficult road and I don't know that I could do it. At this point I'm lamenting the loss of an intact/nuclear family more than the loss of W, and can better understand now what people on this forum mean about how difficult it would be to piece after an affair.

So there you go...one year into my "new normal" already. Doing much better, but still have a long way to go...


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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Thanks for the update BL!
So much is similar to my experience (and many others here).

The main difference for me is the kids. Not sure if they fully understand but they havnt acted out at all.
They still thing OM is a friend and dont know mom was the cause of everything.
Have you told the kids details of what happend?

This week is the third week after physical seperation.
I am at a point where I am considering if saying: "If OM is to be sleeping over while kids are there I want to know in advance".

BL sounds like your doing a great job in general! Keep it up!
On exercise set a goal with some friends, it real spurs me.
Mine is to have exercised 200 times this year and we share progress daily in a group together. I am currently at 26.


Me: 34
Stbxw: 30
D:5 D:3
Mini bd: May/June 2019
Married: Aug 2019
BD: 6th Dec 2019
OM Confirmed: Feb 2020
March 2020: I filed for D
Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
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BL42 and Mumin, you guys have very young children. How can you explain what's happening on their level? I think LBH's try to tell them too much, really. It's understandable, b/c you're dealing with a lot of nasty stuff. I just think you have to keep things very, very simple, b/c they cannot grasp adult stuff.

Quote
This week is the third week after physical seperation.
I am at a point where I am considering if saying: "If OM is to be sleeping over while kids are there I want to know in advance".


Seriously, why do you think you should be notified whenever the OM will be sleeping over? I've never heard of a WW notifying her LBH in advance when she plans to do the other guy. If you don't want them to laugh in your face, I suggest you drop that idea.

Mumin, you've previously said similar things about wanting to know in advance when OM will be staying at your W's place. When will you realize that it's none of your business? Unless you see some signs the children are suffering from the OM in some way, where you get officials involved, you can't help what goes on in your W's personal life.

The sense of loss of control must be unbearable for you. I don't say this coldly. My family has experienced the same situation with one of our adult children. It's horrible, and there is nothing you can do about it.

((((Big Hugs))))


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Hi Sandi, thanks for replying and sorry BL for hijacking (though it sounds like your battling similar thoughts).
Its great with these posts because they force me to think through things.

I fully agree with you Sandi that keeping things simple and without details is the right course. However, if it is possible to communicate/co-parent around introducing new people in the children's lives I think that's a good thing. Heck XW herself got angry and asked me to communicate when I was introducing a babysitter to the kids.

So to the sleeping over issue. My wording above was a bit unfortunate. To be clear I DO NOT want her to let me know every time. Just the thought is appalling.
What I am after is to get a heads-up if/when she is going to be introducing him more in their lives, and it doesnt have to be the sleeping over.
However, as I (like you) believe it is a very dramatic experience for a child that small to suddenly find another man in Moms bed I feel it is the duty of me as a father to say something. Especially when XW seems to not be sure about anything in her life and I think she might actually consider my opinion.

I am not 100% sure about this and I am battling, letting things go vs what's in the best interest of my children.

Will post this same message in my own thread if you would like to answer.


Me: 34
Stbxw: 30
D:5 D:3
Mini bd: May/June 2019
Married: Aug 2019
BD: 6th Dec 2019
OM Confirmed: Feb 2020
March 2020: I filed for D
Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
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Mumin/sandi2,

Originally Posted by Mumin
Thanks for the update BL!
So much is similar to my experience (and many others here).

The main difference for me is the kids. Not sure if they fully understand but they havnt acted out at all.
They still thing OM is a friend and dont know mom was the cause of everything.
Have you told the kids details of what happend?


Originally Posted by sandi2
BL42 and Mumin, you guys have very young children. How can you explain what's happening on their level? I think LBH's try to tell them too much, really. It's understandable, b/c you're dealing with a lot of nasty stuff. I just think you have to keep things very, very simple, b/c they cannot grasp adult stuff.


Mumim - Yes, we're in very similiar sitches in terms of the kids/ages. I just re-read your entire 7 threads and posted my thoughts. Check it out. My S5 has had very tough times over the last 6 months. I don't go into details (the affair...etc.) but I do tell him mommy decided to live somewhere else and ask him to make sure OM2 isn't treating him poorly. I guess on day he'll realize what happened, or he'll be too young to remember. If he asks in the future when he's older I can share more (age appropriate) details at that time.

Originally Posted by sandi2
The sense of loss of control must be unbearable for you. I don't say this coldly. My family has experienced the same situation with one of our adult children. It's horrible, and there is nothing you can do about it.

Yes, it's tough. I hate the kids are forced to learn this life lesson and deal with the situation.

Originally Posted by Mumin
BL sounds like your doing a great job in general! Keep it up!
On exercise set a goal with some friends, it real spurs me.
Mine is to have exercised 200 times this year and we share progress daily in a group together. I am currently at 26.

Thanks! Yes, I need to start on the exercising/lifting hard core. That'll help for sure. I agree...little goals.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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If I'm being honest I was disappointed not to get more response from my "One Year Since Bomb Day" post two weeks ago. Seemed like a significant milestone and I put a lot of reflection into it. Hopefully others will still read through and share their insights?

In terms of GAL, I crushed it this week. Found a beautiful, stylish 5 piece hard wood bedroom set on an online marketplace I love and bought for a 10th of the price for what it would sell brand new, so I'm making progress in my master bedroom updates. I cut out of work earlier in the week to go night skiing with a friend, coached S5's sports team, went out for drinks with three buddies Friday night, and yesterday did brunch with 5 other friends which rolled into dinner. Today I'm catching on some work, reading/posting here, and have some errands and small projects around the house before the kids come home tonight.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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Hi BL42,

I hear you. I recall reading it and wish I'd let you know! I make frequent, brief visits and sometimes when a post is long and the author's perspective is already well thought out, I plan to think on it and reply later, and then--squirrel! I get when you put very personal things out there you've thought on for some time it feels good to be heard. The replies I receive every few updates are so meaningful and often refocus me or open me up to new perspectives. I'll look now. Unless there's a squirrel or cat. Then later today for sure!

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Originally Posted by BL42
180s - Immediately after BD I stopped/"fixed" any behaviors my W criticized,

That's how most of us begin our 180s. We make changes for them--e.g., I spent a (wasted) weekend fixing everything in the master bathroom my wife had been complaining about for years.

Originally Posted by BL42
This was before I knew through DB and other sites and that she was simply explaining what led her to her decision rather than asking me to change

Bingo. Once I realized that, Mr. FixIt vanished! The smallest 180 you do truly for yourself will last through the DB marathon and/or your single future, and be more believable to boot.

Originally Posted by BL42
I do get together with friends (brunch, SB party...etc.) but it's less consistent because people are coupled up and have plans. I try to fill my time with inside home improvements (painting, hanging storage wall in garage...etc.). I need to do a better job about getting out when I'm on my own to hike or ski.

You may need to develop new friendships! I'm working on that, too. It's okay if those friends are male, or younger, or older, since your goal is friends not dating. This gets you out of your house, too. This past week I met with a hiking group, a dancing group, and hosted a friend of a friend who was traveling.

Originally Posted by BL42
I've had a couple attempted set-ups and been asked a few times when I'll date and I just respond "I'm not interested at this time.

Hopefully, the attempted setups at least give you confidence the opportunities will be there when you're ready. I definitely feel more confident knowing there are ladies interested in me.

Originally Posted by BL42
If I had worked out regularly been pretty ripped. I've devoted so much time to kids and work so far...need to make time for my own physical health.

A simple bodyweight routine can be done in 15min without any equipment. E.g., I can execute my CORE, LEGs, SHOULDER, or ARM routines between decorating cookies with my kids and taking them out of the oven.

Originally Posted by BL42
My lawyer says we're close and should wrap it up quick so it doesn't go sideways but then I don't hear from either side for weeks, and I'm not pushing it.

You've got a competent lawyer--that's great.

Originally Posted by BL42
Now I'm crushing it with the kids, back on track at work, hanging with friends, making improvements around the house, and kind of enjoying life.

That's also fantastic. My days are also much happier, free from a mediocre relationship.

Originally Posted by BL42
W appears to be happy with OM2. He moved in soon after she moved out and is staying overnight with my kids (which I hate, but can't control),

I can see hating it. I've never hated my ex-W's partners--they weren't responsible for our relationship falling apart. My big question is whether they treat my kids well, and so far, they have.

Take care, BL42. Hope you're enjoying this weekend!

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BL, I did read your 1 year post above the other day, it was on my phone so I didn't get a chance to respond. And to be honest, there isn't really a lot to respond to! You've got this covered and seem to be in a good place, all things considered. Love how you are crushing it as a dad, love how you have embraced post-WAW life, and are just making the best of every day and opportunity you have! It is awesome to see someone go through this and come out stronger and better. On the 2 year anniversary of BD I expect that you will be even further along than you are now! I think once the D is finalized, out of the way, and you are moved forward into even dating or a new R, you have set yourself up for future R success and an awesome life! Well done.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
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Originally Posted by BL42
If I'm being honest I was disappointed not to get more response from my "One Year Since Bomb Day" post two weeks ago. Seemed like a significant milestone and I put a lot of reflection into it. Hopefully others will still read through and share their insights?

In terms of GAL, I crushed it this week. Found a beautiful, stylish 5 piece hard wood bedroom set on an online marketplace I love and bought for a 10th of the price for what it would sell brand new, so I'm making progress in my master bedroom updates. I cut out of work earlier in the week to go night skiing with a friend, coached S5's sports team, went out for drinks with three buddies Friday night, and yesterday did brunch with 5 other friends which rolled into dinner. Today I'm catching on some work, reading/posting here, and have some errands and small projects around the house before the kids come home tonight.

I read it this morning. Well thought out and detailed. I'd say the biggest reason you got little response is because you seem to have a well thought out plan with a clear direction. You're doing all the right things. It's so much easier to comment on a sitch where people need immediate, desperate help and you just seem to be firmly in the driver's seat. Good on you, I say.

I hope you hit the gym hard and get ripped like you want to. Once you guys get divorce I'd stop turning down the offers from women though.

Prepare for your W to have more crazy crap going on. She jumped from her marriage to this crappy R with nothing in between but chaos. It's going to be messy for a while, if not longer.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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