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Originally Posted by Gerda
I just thought we were having a good talk and don't think that would have happened if there was a table and not an internet between us.

I agree!

Oftentimes our conversation gets lost. Not such a strange thing considering something like 50% of our meaning comes from what is emoted rather than the actual words.

The gal in my head that is you. How I hear you, was incongruent with the cold text. I am positive if we were actually sitting across from each other we’d have a grand discussion. Of course Nanaimo bar and coffee with heavy cream and sugar would be shared as well.

Originally Posted by Gerda
How depressing to think that DnJ saw me or me seeing him this way!

That’s why I inquired. The Gerda I know, or believe I know, sees me differently.

I’ve reached into your life and wrote directly to your son. I am honoured to be granted such privilege. And you and I have shared many a discussion. Do realize I am invested for those I care about.

I’d saw my irrational response was off the mark. And, I’m glad you corrected me.

Originally Posted by Gerda
Too many misunderstandings on my thread! Time to take a break!

Not that this is a vote or anything; you can do as you see fit. I’d rather you not. Especially over this.

Originally Posted by Gerda
Sorry if I hurt your feelings.

Thank you. I suppose I was probably hurting.

Oddly, I was more confused and questioned my values.

Again, text does at times lead to misunderstandings. My apologies as well.

(((Hug)))

Order us another cake and round of drinks my dear friend. We still have many discussions to be had I’m sure.

D


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Merry Christmas Gerda

May light shine upon you and your’s.

Love
D


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Hi Gerda.

I was thinking about you today and wanted to reach out and say hello. I hope things are well with you and that you had a good holiday season. Happy lunar new year today! Its the year of the tiger!

Hugs to you and your kiddos!!

-Sam


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Originally Posted by sjohns6
Hi Gerda.

I was thinking about you today and wanted to reach out and say hello. I hope things are well with you and that you had a good holiday season. Happy lunar new year today! Its the year of the tiger!

Hugs to you and your kiddos!!

-Sam

It always gives a spring to my step when you check in on me, Sam! Thank you!

Update in brief — I’ve been doing a lot of my creative work, a lot of writing and plenty of bookings in the other creative work that I do (but will remain vague about here). I don't have time for it but I am trying to do it before I have time so that I can return to what I meant to be before I lost myself. I’ve been pushing my rental biz farther too, and still a long way to go before I can quit all my day jobs but definitely making progress. I’m still not interested in dating and have no time as I am still totally on my own as provider for the kids and still embroiled in the world’s stupidest divorce. A guy friend of mine went to talk to my H to try to get him to resolve, and he came back saying that it would never ever happen because H wants to destroy me and thinks he will get “justice” at a trial. I still periodically ask H to follow the orders we are supposed to follow to resolve, but nothing happens. I'm still pro se and still doing better than any of my lawyers ever did. I had to file to change custody because of all the terrible things that continue, and I had to file an appeal of the judge’s refusal to grant me interim child support, so this month I am spending hours writing the brief! So much of my life on this divorce bulls** and it’s so incredibly stupid and pointless, as we already have a 50-50 split agreement and I’ve only asked for a custody change that puts what we are doing for years now in writing. The only thing holding this back is that H won't accept an appraisal, not any appraisal, though this was our agreement. But I don't think it's really that, I think that's just the way that he can prolong this and keep me tied to him. We are literally waiting on nothing. Sometimes it makes me despair that so much of my creativity and light is being sucked into this pointless endless divorce when I am so willing to lose a lot to end it, but mostly I just try to keep walking and accept that this is my reality. We do have a new judge, and she is from family court, so I have a tiny flare of hope that she will finally grant me interim child support. No, I still do not receive a dime in any kind of support or help with housing or medical or camp or anything at all. We still aren’t scheduled for a trial but I think if my H actually had to cough up some money each month for our children, no matter how small, he might stop dragging this out and just abide by our agreement to resolve the whole thing.

I remain the poster child for getting finances settled the second you can — finances have nothing to do with standing for your marriage, newbies! But not settling them will be a bear claw trap tight tight around your ankle for years, like Gerda, lone wolf with her pups.

Not dating. Don’t think I will ever believe a man could love me and don't have any interest in that right now, just enough time to mother my kids, work and do my art.

....

I’m glad SJohn got me to post as I did want to write a last post. Lent is coming, when I try to give up all screen media including this, but I don’t know if I will be back either way, at least not very often.

These past months I tried a few times to post updates but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I was so freaked out about the post suggesting that someone could "win" or "lose" an argument by invoking Hitler, or that we shouldn't refer to Hitler lest it offend someone. My father is a Holocaust survivor and I have spent all my life contemplating evil and goodness through that lens — what it would take to follow Hitler or allow Hitler or be a neighbor who was too afraid of Hitler to help a neighbor or what part of myself is like what part of him, etc. Likewise Pol Pot, Genghis Kahn, Mugabe, Kim Jong Un and the very long list of obvious incarnations of evil, not to mention the even longer list of less obvious incarnations. Certainly I have thought about it a lot during these past nine years of my H committing so many evil acts in such a prolonged way.

I think it’s quite dangerous actually not to talk about evil and think about evil as often as we can. It’s the only way to know it in ourselves and in others. I spoke with my dad about our terror of silence recently with Maus being banned in one of our Southern states, and the teaching of other “uncomfortable” parts of history, including black history, being banned. Recently at my daughter’s school, a Shakespeare production was cancelled because people were too scared to allow discussion of the racism in the play.

I don’t see this as political but as foundational to our humanity. So I was freaked out about the response to the discussion and I was even more freaked out about the silence that followed it.

I’m going to post below an excerpt from a writing on conscience by a much smarter person than I if anyone reading this wants to know more.

My friends here, you know where I live, and if you are ever there, I would be so glad to see you. Sending you all love and courage in all your days of facing evil and welcoming goodness and other joys. Newbies, learn from my story!

Whether something (evil or good) is recognized or not depends too on the will, which can block the way to recognition or lead to it. It is dependent, that is to say, on an already formed moral character which can either continue to deform or be further purified. On this level, the level of judgment (conscientia in the narrower sense), it can be said that even the erroneous conscience binds.

This statement is completely intelligible from the rational tradition of scholasticism. No one may act against his convictions... But the fact that the conviction a person has come to certainly binds in the moment of acting does not signify a canonization of subjectivity. It is never wrong to follow the convictions one has arrived at—in fact, one must do so. But it can very well be wrong to have come to such askew convictions in the first place, by having stifled the protest of the anamnesis of being. The guilt lies then in a different place, much deeper—not in the present act, not in the present judgment of conscience, but in the neglect of my being which made me deaf to the internal promptings of truth.

For this reason, criminals of conviction like Hitler and Stalin are guilty. These crass examples should not serve to put us at ease but should rouse us to take seriously the earnestness of the plea: “Free me from my unknown guilt” (Ps 19:13).

Last edited by Gerda; 02/14/22 01:50 AM.

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Breaking my Lent fast to post tonight as I am in such despair.

Last summer when D cut off contact with H, I filed for a change in custody. I felt I had no choice, had been waiting for divorce to go through and then try family court where they care more about kids, but D was punching herself in the face and talking about self harm, and H and his L were threatening to take me to court, so I filed for the change -- just to change visitation to once a week and to have a therapist or social worker speak for the kids if they didn't want to go. And to get child support and legal custody.

Judge took forever, finally had a conference in the fall and by then my kids had both started seeing H again a little bit, after his father died of Covid. D regressed horribly as soon as she started seeing him again but I was thankful that she only wanted to see him a few hours a week. I knew them seeing him would weaken my case but tried to leave it in God's hands.

Judge called us for a second conference; she had never done that before, so it seemed like a sign she was actually reading everything for once. My papers were very thorough and solid evidence of all the horrible reasons I was trying to change custody.

Judge gets moved off matrimonial and we get a new judge. I thought this had to be a good thing, no one could be as bad as mine.

Remote conference today. I was determined to be as quiet as possible and let them do their usual yelling, so I could start fresh with this judge.

It did not matter. She was hell bent on putting me in my place. H lied about what had happened, lied about how often he sees the kids, and Judge did not care about me getting no child support or anything I tried to say.

She rejected every single part of it. When I said I had teenagers who would not follow the visitation schedule, she said, "Are you a grown-up or not? Are you in charge or not?" and threatened me that she would do far worse if I interfered with visitation. She muted me when I tried to ask about child support.

And that would have been enough to bear. But then she announced she was awarding them legal fees. She said I had to pay his lawyer's bill for that motion sequence. $7000

I called the pro se office and told them what happened. They were shocked. They said my only option is to write a motion asking for her to review facts she missed -- e.g., there is no money in bank account and I obviously can't afford to pay a lawyer or I would have one.

The only thing I managed to get through was to corner them into agreeing to have the property appraised in order to push forward the buyout we agreed upon.

I feel so so so so bad today. I cried all day. That feeling of not being heard or seen or understand, of knowing who I am and what I am trying to do, the dozens of attempts I made to enforce the agreement we made to resolve, all of them ignored. And still to be seen as whatever that judge must think to do something like that. My last judge was terrible, she never read any documents or help H accountable for anything. But she would never ever have ordered me to cover their legal fees. She knew what H's lawyer was.

Today's judge told me I had failed to prove a change of circumstances though the was a GLOBAL PANDEMIC, he quit his job and opened a restaurant, our daughter was threatening suicide and both children had cut off contact with H. This was not enough proof of a change of circumstances for her.

I had paper taped over the faces of H and his L but still could see their smug delight.

I feel as bad as after bomb drop. Total despair.

I don't even know why. Nothing that much has changed, it's just $7000 and I will keep trying to get him to resolve as I have been all this time. But that feeling of being misunderstood, of knowing who I am and of facing people who think the opposite of me, despite the facts on the page and the story right in front of them of me sitting there just asking for child support and to follow the resolution we had agreed on two years ago, being fined $7000 while H pays nothing, no child support, no help with anything, has spent three years dissipating our asset on legal fees and now I am asked to pay his lawyer as punishment for filing a motion to protect my kids and try to get him to stop declaring our kids on his tax return, to stop taking the child tax credit. It seems like BD all over again, this disbelief that someone could see things so wrongly, and the confusion of trying to do what I can to protect my kids and being punished for it.

I don't want to violate my fast too much but I am so low today, like the early days when I couldn't eat or function, so I thought I had better reach out.

Last edited by Gerda; 03/09/22 04:19 AM.

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Oh Gerda.

I am so sorry. All of this. It’s unfathomable. There are so many parts of this whole experience that are unfair and frustrating. My heart aches for you. I wish I understood the legal aspects to offer advice or encouragement. But I don’t. I feel like I can’t offer much at all, other than to let you know I see your pain, I am sitting here with you in as much as I can be, and I am so sorry. Sending you lots of hugs and love. And prayers that things turn around soon for you. And that these negatives are offset by some pretty amazing positives.

El

Last edited by Elbereth; 03/09/22 04:50 AM.

Me 52, H 56
T10 M7, 2nd MR for both
2 Step Sons (19 and 21)
BD: Fall 2020
D finalized: July 2022
XH Married AP soon after D day.



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Good Morning Gerda

I hope today looks better than yesterday.

I’m sorry your daughter is having such difficulties. The poor girl sounds so hurt.

How is son doing?

The ongoing legal situation sounds convoluted. You must be exhausted of it.

Originally Posted by Gerda
Today's judge told me I had failed to prove a change of circumstances…

There is a legal requirement, a burden of proof, needed to show that the existing arrangements require altering. One part of that is illustrating proving that the current circumstances were unforeseeable and not covered under the original agreement. And of course, the proof that the current situation is causing the present harmful or detrimental situation is necessary as well. Along with other items. And still, even if all that is met, it only means things might be changed.

What one knows and believes; and what one can prove in court are very different things. Legal requirements are strict and need to be met. I understand H is benefitting within the system and hurting you. He has the power of an existing and agreed upon arrangement between the two of you, and you have the uphill struggle to prove otherwise.

I am sorry you are in such despair. To break your lent shows its depth. (((Hug)))

D


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Originally Posted by Elbereth
Oh Gerda.

I am so sorry. All of this. It’s unfathomable. There are so many parts of this whole experience that are unfair and frustrating. My heart aches for you. I wish I understood the legal aspects to offer advice or encouragement. But I don’t. I feel like I can’t offer much at all, other than to let you know I see your pain, I am sitting here with you in as much as I can be, and I am so sorry. Sending you lots of hugs and love. And prayers that things turn around soon for you. And that these negatives are offset by some pretty amazing positives.

El

Thank you so much for these kind words, Elbereth -- it really helped a lot to feel your care. The worst part is always the loneliness, and I think that's what hit me so hard about the hearing with the new judge. She hadn't taken the time to look over any of the case, any of the three years of papers and admitted not having read my response papers. But then did something extremely unusual in penalizing me for filing a motion, by forcing me to pay his legal bills. It has a chilling effect on me, thinking that I can't advocate for me or my kids out of fear she will do that again; and also because my H in his delusion is going to trial mostly to get me to pay his 150K legal bill. Before this hearing, I had no fear of that because I "knew" no judge would tell a single mom with no lawyer to pay the legal bills of this absolute total deadbeat dad who refused to follow our agreements to resolve for two years. Now I don't know.

And DnJ, thank you also for checking in on me. I really was hoping for your hug. I am sorry that I have not read your thread in ages and hope all is okay. About proof -- you are right that it's all a wild card even with proof but I felt I had no choice when my daughter was threatening self harm and engaging in some mild self harm in addition to seeming like she was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I assure you I had beyond ample proof, I had literally 75 pages of exhibits of proof of changes of circumstances of all kinds. The judge openly admitted to not reading my response papers, saying she had not received them from the previous judge and muted me when I asked why I couldn't get interim child support or why H could claim our kids on his taxes without providing a penny of support and not having seen them for that entire time. Honestly, it was bizarre. Or biblical -- e.g., Pharaoh.

I wonder if I am starting to sound a little crazy, it must seem like so much bad luck in the court system has to be something I am eliciting. I have wondered this at times. (And it's a pattern for me, to feel that who I truly am is not getting through even though I feel I am so clear and honest. Even here on these boards.) I do think pro se litigants irk the judges except the kindest ones. But other than that I think it was just bad luck. I have a friend here in my city who went through a similar situation with an MLCer who did many even crazier things than my H. His judge was very kind, very thorough and laser-focused on the children. His experience was the complete opposite of mine. Someone told me before my first judge was assigned that I would be okay representing myself unless I got Judge X because Judge X did not care about children (and had never been married or had children) and spent her summers in a famous nearby vacation spot with all the high powered divorce attorneys. I got Judge X. And it seems like the new judge who replaced her in divorce court also does not care about children. H's L told her that I only filed for a change in custody to delay this process, and that is why she penalized me.

Today I got one of those insane texts from H, which I have not gotten in a while with him telling me to stop alienating our children and do as the judge had "implored" me to do, to ensure a close relationship between a daughter and her father. He has never admitted he did anything wrong that could have caused that, never wondered why she still doesn't want to see him more than once a week. But he got her to write him all these creepy lovey texts and then he tried to show them to the judge. In his text today he told me he had the texts to prove that D12 wants to be with him and that I am keeping them apart. He never asked what caused this sweet and innocent little girl just a year ago to threaten she would kill herself if she had to see him again or why she has not wanted to sleep over at his place. I have not seen my MLCer get our judge on his side since the early days, before she knew him a little more. This new judge took on day one believing all the lies -- at one point she even said to me, "Mrs. X, your husband is under oath!" as if shocked that I would doubt his word.

But the loss of the custody request is bearable to me. It's the fact that she punished me for trying and that she set a precendent of me paying his legal bills.

Anyway this is all a lot of blah-blah-blah. I know all the details are kind of pointless, I have to find a way to get back on my path, which is looking for the fastest evacuation route out.

My message to any who are reading along is to remember -- if your MLCer is a narcissist, they don't want to finish divorcing you. They want to prolong the drama for as long as possible and to look for ways to get other people to hurt you when you go dark and they can't hurt you anymore. They will use your kids, your finances, the court system, anything they can. They will convince people that you are a bad person and the cause of all their suffering. I have sent dozens of settlement offers to H, his L and even tried his friend and his mom once. Yet he is still trying to go to trial to get me to pay his legal bills by claiming that I delayed this process and "forced" him to keep litigating. He is still trying to get out of our buy out agreement and to force a third-party sale, even though he will make less this way than accepting the buy-out he agreed on two years ago. He wants to see us pushed out, he can't stand that I would stay here and keep the kids in their home. He will literally make 30% less on a third-party sale after taxes and broker fees, etc. He has spent 150K I think on legal fees to try to get me out, two years after I agreed to a 50-50 split on a buy out. It's just not about any pragmatism for these NPD types of MLCers. It's about destroying you.

For the most part I am still trying to walk in the light and to pursue my dreams and to just extricate myself from this situation at a huge loss. But this last conference made me finally understand why people sometimes go for blood in a divorce trial. When someone tortures you for this long, wants to see you suffer this much and will keep the kids in tied in knots for so long in so many ways, you start to want revenge. I will keep battling that in myself and pray that God will keep me from that temptation and just help me get out as fast as I can and help me find other ways to provide for my kids than trying to get anything out of this terrible man or this Bleak House level court.

Will go back to Lent fast now after this MARATHON post but thanks to the two friends who delivered some love here, it helped a lot, truly. And I will try to check in after Lent and see your replies, if any, then.

Love, light and courage -- and CLARITY -- to all.

Last edited by Gerda; 03/11/22 05:00 AM.

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Dearest G, I am so sorry that I am late to reply. I am even more sorry that you have been put through the wringer again (and again, and again, ad nauseam). You do not deserve this. You did not earn this. You are good and want recognition for the good you have done and the hard work you have performed with your life and your children and like all humans, you just want validation.

The judge didn't give you this. But that does not mean a speck of dust in the universe, because she is only one human among almost 8 billion on this planet. Sadly, her judgment has an impact on you. And ripples outwards to effect so many arenas of your life (familial, financial, a sense of personal safety). I ache for you. And wish to steady you in the troughs of the oncoming waves.

For some reason unknown to us all, the universe, God, whom- or whatever, has determined that you are to experience these lessons. Unfair as they may be. As much as we all cringe (and cry) with sympathy at your disastrous, horrible situation. Personally, I think these lessons are there to make you even more magical that you already are. Because, if you can live through what you have lived through and still get out of bed, and still love your children, and still be a human on this earth, you must be made of some sort of magic.

So what's left to learn? What will you do with this? I say you become a master in jiu-jistu. Deflect all this wrong by being an impermeable, magical creature of epic proportions. Nothing can hurt you. You pick yourself up, dust off those pretty britches and sally-forth into the life you deserve, the one you have been slowly brick-by-brick building for yourself. Those judges and that evil ex of yours can take away your physical wealth and attempt to confuse the affection of your children (not very well, I may add), but they can only take away your heart and soul and being if you let them. Don't let them, G.

Win by not winning. Win by accord of honoring your own life and fulfilling the destiny you were put here to pursue, irregardless of the obstacles put in your path. Win despite the hardship and horrific abuse and awful judges. Because you are so mighty. And I think deep down, you know it.

I know it. I see it.

Lots of love,
Sage

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Dear Gerda,

TBH, really shocked by your update. When will this nightmare end?

I can do nothing more than offer my support to you and I hope from the bottom of my heart that things will improve shortly.

Sending lots of hugs!!!


Me(45)EXH(44)
M:15 T:18, S19, S16 & S16
04/19-02/20 ILYB & OW1
12/20-08/22 OW2 (+pregnant-his child)
03/22-Divorce official
06/22-08/23 Reconnecting
09/23-possible back with OW2
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