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Hello Gerda

Originally Posted by Gerda
My lesson for the newbies reading this --

Settle your divorce as quickly as possible. You can stand for your marriage after you are divorced. Or not. But you can do nothing if you become mired in a divorce from a narcissist, and your MLCer might be one of those. Get your finances settled and then you can GAL from here to eternity, standing or not standing, but free.

Amen!

So very true.

D

Last edited by DnJ; 08/22/21 07:58 PM.

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Comparison is the thief of joy.

Someone told me that, and I agreed, but it's a two way street.

Yes, woman are going through nightmares in Afghanistan and Haiti, but your nightmare is real and scary and awful. I'm so sorry you are dealing with such a terrible, drawn-out D.

Love your advice. Settle it quickly, if possible.

Excited for you for your flipping opportunity and hope it gets you ahead. Hang in there!! ((((gerda))))


ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19

8/17-BD
IHS: 1/17-2/19
D FILED (ME): 7/19
D FINAL: 10/20
M23 T25
OW CONFIRMED: 01/21

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Originally Posted by Gerda
My lesson for the newbies reading this --

Settle your divorce as quickly as possible. You can stand for your marriage after you are divorced. Or not. But you can do nothing if you become mired in a divorce from a narcissist, and your MLCer might be one of those. Get your finances settled and then you can GAL from here to eternity, standing or not standing, but free.
Amen
Sing it Sister

Last edited by bttrfly; 08/23/21 02:40 AM.

M 20+ T25+
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BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

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Gerda,

I'm sorry you are still dealing with this. I did find (my opinion only) that the attorneys I dealt with in family law, on my side and his, were pretty incompetent (with his being absolutely the worst). My best friend, a family law attorney in another state, has told me that she sees the same poor lawyering where she is. Where I was the judges rotate in, often having no family law experience. As a result, I decided to cut my losses and get out rather than deal with the crapshoot and expense that going forward represented. I had to give up my expectation of what I thought a fair result was and walk away from something I believed was a necessity in the interest of being done. It all worked out in the end. The assets I did leave with have shot through the roof, I've had a very good year at work, and knowing that I am done for good has brought me more peace than I could ever explain.

My house now, half the size of my last, by far the most modest I've owned in a long, long time, is my favorite house I've ever lived in. In the face of the fear I felt at going forward, my best friend reminded me that I have always succeeded, supported myself, and made things happen and that nothing has changed that. She asked me to bet on my own future rather than tie myself in any way to his. I do wonder what might happen for you if you could let go of your need to keep the house, let it be sold, give him his half so you could get this done and finally move forward without that dead body shackled to you. If you have never read McTeague (the best novel ever written), then please do. When you come to the part in the desert, give it some thought.

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Originally Posted by bttrfly
ugh. just ugh. i'm so sorry you are STILL dealing with this crap. I'm interested in your cottage project - - that sounds like a boat load of fun! Keeping you and yours in my prayers Gerda ... and shaking my head over the insanity you have to deal with on the regular. xoxoxo

bttrfly, i love it when you peek in on me.

and yes please come on by and check out the cottage project! We can do some drilling and some leveling and some painting and framing and restore our WOMAN POWER confidence! it's quite the ramshackle renovation but soooo fun and if it ever gets done it is going to be the cutest place and for a while at least will be much nicer than my place next door though my spot is much more amazing, set off way off the road and looking at the mountain across the little valley that is my hill.

ideally I should be up here working on it all the time, it's really really hard to find workers so the guy I have is working after his other job and it's sloooooooow going but I LOVE it so much. I can't be up here supervising or doing anything very often but I figure I am setting up the life I want, which is rentals and flipping as my day job, so I have to start somewhere. I did this project with my closest friend as the investor, so in some ways that was easier and in some ways it is more complex, but I am learning a lot.

I've been starting to write down the things I need to do to get stable financially, etc., if I was finally free of the D. I am stretched way too thin but I am so close to being able to tip that scale, I really want to try to set up this life that I want, esp as my kids are growing up fast and soon the nest will be me only....

bttrfly, how are you? Are you finding your core again? your beauty and strength and joy?


I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
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97Hope and OwnIt and DnJ and bttrfly -- Thank you for stopping by and for the thoughts --

Own, interesting what you say about matrimonial lawyers. I just thought it was because I couldn’t hire the $600/hour ones. The ones I met through the domestic violence center seemed good but owning a house disqualified me from using them.

I don't know that book, which is a phrase I rarely utter about anything 19th century! I will check it out!

Do you know the book, He Knew He Was Right by Anthony Trollope? I tried to reread it a few years back, thinking I'd get insight into my H. It was so triggering and upsetting I couldn't, despite finding it so entertaining years ago.

I hear what you are saying but believe it or not, I am trying to do that. This is a frying pan-fire situation. It’s going to be h$ll if I keep going and it’s going to be h$ll if I agree to sell with him. But if I do the buy out and end up having to sell to pay him what I owe him, I’ll be doing it alone!

I already experienced him trying to sell the place while we lived here and while I continued to run the rentals here. It was h$ll beyond h$ll. H was on a RAMPAGE of nasty underhanded evilness throughout, and he never even actually listed it. He just kept bringing fake "pocket deals" to court from supposed buyers who had never seen the place and were offering almost double the appraised value -- and demanding that I match these offers. Meanwhile with the brokers in and out and the drama, my son totally regressed to a scary mental health place after 2 years of us working so hard to improve his mental health, my daughter too. In a way, Covid saved us because all of that ground to a halt.

I am not trying to keep it because I think I can’t make a nice home elsewhere. I don't make enough to pay for my kids’ housing and H won’t give me any child support or help with the mortgage. But the rents cover the mortgage. We'll lose so much in taxes, brokers, debt payments, etc. and then splitting what's left with the was-band, that there won't even be enough left to buy a 1-bedroom here, and rents here are crazy high. So if I do sell it, I will have to leave my city and friends and church and neighbors and all of that, and my kids too -- and leave their schools. I'm just trying to keep us here where I know I have a way to pay for housing til college.

The order requires him to accept a buy out at appraised value. He was re-ordered to get the appraisal done but he won’t do that and refuses to accept the appraisal I got. I offered to pay him 50K now (family has offered to loan me that til refi) and the rest 90 days after we get the divorce decree. No go.

I think he does not want this to end. Financially he is shooting himself in his MLC foot. Via a buy out, he will earn like 35% more and can stop paying his lawyer 50K a year that he doesn't have. But then there will be no more drama, no narcissistic supply. He’ll have to admit to his friends and OW that the place he sold his soul and his family for is not worth nearly what he thought.

So I am working hard on securing a refi while also going on the offensive in the D. Trying everything I can think of.

And tonight I am away from all that in my mountain cabin, watching how fast the moon crosses the sky and listening to all the insects singing into the stars.....

XO from Gerda

Last edited by Gerda; 08/24/21 05:50 AM.

I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
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Gerda, just a note to say it makes me really happy to think about you ensconced in your mountain cabin, watching the stars, able to find a reservoir of coziness and peace in the midst of all the crazy BS your H is pulling.

Sending hugs and good vibes.

xoxo May


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A serious OMG moment without any other updates or thanks or comments to all you lovely and beloved stoppers-by --

H's father died of Covid on Monday. Unvaxxed, anti-science.

My MIL was vaxxed.

He died in great suffering and she was not with him. He was crying, this tough man, through the mask, crying her name on the phone. She is devasted. 55 years together, immigrants who saw it all.

I saw my MIL for the first time in years today. She was weeping the whole time and me 50% of the time.

I was at the cabin and my son was on his own. He had to go to H's restaurant and see H for the first time in over two years and MIL for the first time in more than three years. He didn't even tell me. When I got back, he told me and said he wanted to tell me in person and that he decided to do it because he felt it would be selfish not to go. He even called his therapist before he went.

He got his learners permit on Monday. So I let him drive afterwards.

This is a short update.

So proud of my son.

Families need to be there when grief hits. And this whole D nightmare is making it very hard to navigate. But maybe it will somehow help my kids at least reconnect with their grandmother.

More soon and love to you all.

Last edited by Gerda; 08/26/21 10:19 PM.

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Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
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UGH. These tragedies are far too common. Fox News is killing people with their anti-science nonsense. 1,000 people a day are still dying of Covid in the US and almost all of those are preventable tragedies if only people would get vaccinated.

My niece is an ECMO nurse in Portland, OR and she had a case recently, husband and wife went to Vegas for the weekend. Came back with Covid. Wife was vaccinated, recuperated at home with a mild case. Husband was unvaccinated, 42, doing poorly on the ventilator but no ECMO machines were available because they were all being used already. frown Just too many tragedies.

Sounds like your son was very mature about the whole thing. I'm so sorry for your MIL - it must be especially awful to be a spouse who probably was trying to get him to get the vaccine, and then to experience this terrible loss.

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i am so sorry for your family's loss and so proud of your son xoxoxo God bless!


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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