New Beginnings Pt 3

[kml]

I think I would be more direct. You already know you would like to keep the house and buy him out. The only question is at what price, right?

How about : "House Plans: would like to discuss plans to settle our debts and take over the house"

This is a little better than just saying "want to discuss plans to buy you out" because his thoughts will automatically go to "I get half". By mentioning the debts as well as taking over the house, that leaves the final financial outcome a little more nebulous. Are there other negotiable financial issues, like, say, giving up an interest in his pension or retirement savings in return for equity in the house? You've already mentioned the debts and I believe money you put into the house purchase originally? It would be good to do the math on all of that and have it handy to discuss (MLCers are notoriously bad at math).

For instance - if the house is worth $600k, has a mortgage with a $400k balance, and a second mortgage or other joint debt like credit card debt of $100k, there's really only $100k of equity left. IF the house was sold, 6% realtors fees would eat up $36k of that leaving just $64k equity to split, giving him $32k. IF you refi the house and roll the $100k of other debt into the mortgage, taking on that debt, and offer him $30k, that would be a fair deal. If he has retirement money that you are entitled to part of, for instance, if he put $60k into a 401 k while you were married and you did not have any retirement savings, then you could argue that half of that $60 k should be yours, so you will let him keep his retirement money and you keep the house, even steven. On the other hand, if he has a valuable pension, you need to ask your attorney what the QDRO value if your part would be.

Anther way to look at it, if you would have to pay him $30k for his half the house equity, but he would owe you spousal support of say $1k/mo for 2 years, you could bargain away the spousal support for the house equity.

I suggest you have a very clear idea of the outcome you are shooting for before you discuss with him, and offer him a little less than what you are willing to settle for, to give him some wiggle room.

[bttrfly]

i'm quite disappointed there are no literal ducks ...
otherwise, carry on and good luck. you're getting great advice.

[Gerda]

I still don't understand why you don't just tell him you want to settle the house but you will be the buyer. Why are you being so tentative? It's your house too, and you already have an agreement about what happens when you sell it.

Hi, H -- I'm ready to settle the house, but with me buying out instead of a third party sale. I want to keep the status quo for D. I found a good appraiser; let me know if you want to get your own appraisal done and take the average, or if the one I found is enough. Once we have an appraised value, we can calculate the equity after debts and closing costs. Thanks.

There is no point in leaving things in his court. Use the agreement you already have and follow it, no grey areas, no tentative fears. He is not your king. He's just a guy who owns half your house and half your debts, and you have to make a deal to own it all.

[may22]

CanBird,

You have so much good advice on your thread! I just want to say I'm so happy things are all working out and second/third/fourth the recommendation to be direct.

This especially:

There is no point in leaving things in his court. Use the agreement you already have and follow it, no grey areas, no tentative fears. He is not your king. He's just a guy who owns half your house and half your debts, and you have to make a deal to own it all.

YES. You got this. Just like you have taken care of everything else like a boss. The arecas, the job, the house. Imua!

[kml]

What was the home loan for? If it all went into the house, then great. If it was used for other things, then you should reduce his share of the equity by half of the home equity loan.

[CanBird]

I still don't understand why you don't just tell him you want to settle the house but you will be the buyer. Why are you being so tentative? It's your house too, and you already have an agreement about what happens when you sell it.

Hi, H -- I'm ready to settle the house, but with me buying out instead of a third party sale. I want to keep the status quo for D. I found a good appraiser; let me know if you want to get your own appraisal done and take the average, or if the one I found is enough. Once we have an appraised value, we can calculate the equity after debts and closing costs. Thanks.

There is no point in leaving things in his court. Use the agreement you already have and follow it, no grey areas, no tentative fears. He is not your king. He's just a guy who owns half your house and half your debts, and you have to make a deal to own it all.

Gerda, thank you for this. The more I read it, the more sense it made. Sometimes I just need to look at things from a different perspective. This is just the view I needed to see things from.

On a side note, I do lack confidence sometimes, I admit that. It's a personal mental battle I live with (ADHD). I don't think like everyone else. Sometimes I don't understand things right away, especially when I'm stressed. I might need to take extra time in reviewing something, so things actually sink in and actually make sense. And then I can figure things out.
I don't take any medication, I have in the past. Maybe it's time to reconsider that.

Thanks again for your advice. I really do appreciate it.

[CanBird]

Thank you all for the advice. I'll be using bits in pieces from each of you as I prepare my words.

Below some highlights that made me smile, and gave me encouragement.




OwnIt, “Forget the old. Don't bring up the past. Look forward, and not back.”

AndrewP- “Don’t show too much of your hand” Less is often more otherwise the ducks wander around and make a mess on the lawn. Given that you know him the best would you say that given a clear proposal he would take that and then go off and play with the fairies? Your own path will of course depend on where your own ducks roam.


job- “Try to keep things neutral and calm. The less you come out swinging the better your chances are of getting what you want or darn near close to what you want”.

DnJ- Open up a dialog and then be silent. Hopefully XH suggests something more or less in line with what you are considering. That would make it “his” idea, from his point of view. Remember to keep this business and focused on your goal. I would suggest you tell XH little. Simple and to open the door. See where he takes this. You know your goals. Work with whatever happens next, to reach them.

Kml: I suggest you have a very clear idea of the outcome you are shooting for before you discuss with him, and offer him a little less than what you are willing to settle for, to give him some wiggle room.

Bttrfly-i'm quite disappointed there are no literal ducks ...otherwise, carry on and good luck. you're getting great advice.

may22-YES. You got this. Just like you have taken care of everything else like a boss. The arecas, the job, the house. Imua!

Gerda- … There is no point in leaving things in his court. Use the agreement you already have and follow it, no grey areas, no tentative fears. He is not your king. He's just a guy who owns half your house and half your debts, and you have to make a deal to own it all.


I appreciate you all. ((( hugs)))

[OwnIt]

Can, remember if you don't ask for what you want, you don't give people a chance to give it to you. I do think you should let him know you want to buy the house and if it comes up that you have a preapproval. In your situation, he would probably think you couldn't qualify to buy him out and you waste a go-around on that. Of course don't disclose the amount. You are of modest means and have a child to support. Even if you get the new job, you have little recent job history. This guy should not be thinking he hit the jackpot. He should be thinking how much do I need to make sure my kid has a nice home.

"00 you raised the issue of selling the house and after thinking through the options and the cost of housing, I'd like to buy you out to make sure D has stability and a nice home. Please let me know what you think would be fair."

Again, you don't have to agree with him. But if he lowballs himself, as some have, then that is best for D and it could be a quick discussion. If he doesn't you have time for all the appraisal talk, negotiations, etc.

I know he hasn't acted like your H for a long time, but somewhere in there is a person who loved you, married you, had a child with you, and likely wants you to do well and be safe. In my worst days with OD, I've always believed that he does want me to be safe, to have a good home, to be able to offer refuge to my children when they need it. I still have faith that in the end, he will be kind even if the road to get there is twisted and rutty and tough. Hope is the thing with feathers. Don't borrow trouble and assume the worst.

[CanBird]

Thank you OwnIt. So true. "if you don't ask for what you want, you don't give people a chance to give it to you".

The road sure is twisted and rutty and tough, that's for sure.


"Hope is the thing with feathers. Don't borrow trouble and assume the worst."

Amen.

((hugs)))

[CanBird]

If your following along... you know the story. *I've left out the actual numbers and just put (0) zeros* I do have amounts figured out. Did the math.


House Plans: Would like to discuss plans to settle our debts, and take over the house. After thinking through the options and the cost of housing, I'd like to make sure D4 has stability and is able to stay in the only home she’s ever known.

I’ve gotten conditional loan approval to payoff:
• Mortgage and all past due payments & interest
• Home Loan

Looking at the numbers, If we were to sell the house, pay off all debts, and subtract my $.00000..., in addition to:
• Realtor fees (6%)
• Closing costs ($20,000 +)
• Repairs & Miscellaneous needed to sell

Proceeds from the sale, after all that, would be split. Estimated at approximately $00,000-$00,000 each.

Based on this information, and my desire to keep D4 in her home, I would like to take over the mortgage, and pay off the debts, so we can have a clean split, and can both move forward. After everything that has happened, I would really appreciate your help in making this go as smoothly as possible for all our sakes.



Okay.... I appreciate honesty, that's why I come here. Constructive criticism is very welcome.