Hello all, I stumbled on the forum about two months ago and have found the vets' comments on people's sitches sobering, helpful and right on target. I really need your advice and I hope someone finds a bit of time to provide some guidance.
I and my W have been together for 11 years. I am 34, she is 36 and we have a S6. In the beginning of our relationship we moved to a new city for both of us, found jobs, got into our own place, etc. 4 years into our relationship I proposed to her, but due to both our immediate families living in different countries we never got to do an actual wedding. Once our S6 was born we would have either her parents or my parents come and stay with us for a few months to help us out and then go back to their respective countries. All was well (or I was under that impression) until the middle of 2019 when the BD happened. Prior to this W seemed to get unhappier with life in general, started complaining about expectations and reality, comparing herself and us to other people and decided to undergo a few enhancing medical procedures, as well as getting a few new tattoos (surprise, right!). In the summer of 2019 we were both invited to a week-long event, but for one reason or another I decided not to go and we decided for her to go with one of our friends. In the last few days before departing for the event the friend cancelled so my W had to go completely alone; she knew a few other people at the event regardless. Long story short, she met this guy who was about to have his own divorce and they spend the evening flirting and kissing. When she arrived back from the event I immediately noticed a change in her behavior and my gut was telling me something was not right. Initially, just like other folks in here, I could not believe she would be one to do something like this and then went into denial and the rest of the stages, plus the begging, phone calls, nice-ing and running behind her at home like a puppy. A month after she met the guy at the event she went out to meet with him for drinks and something else. I found out on the next day that something was amiss but had no proof and the gaslighting was unbelievable. My mistake was that I was so desperate that I pretty much agreed to take her back without any repercussions. At the end of 2019 and the beginning of last year we had a long conversation and she assured me that she had chosen to stay with me instead of running away with him and that was the end of the story, but now I realize that we just swept things under the rug instead of addressing our problems. I think between the beginning and summer of last year there was a period of time that they did not talk and there was a glimpse of her old self. However, in August things got bad again. Me and S6 left home for a week visiting a friend in another town and she decided to stay home. While we were out of town we spoke on the phone and Face-Timed every day a couple of times and never in my mind was there any suspicion or a thought of her meeting with OM. Once we got back though I again sensed that something was not right and when I confronted her she admitted that the guy came to town to see her and they went out "for lunch". Since September of last year the interactions between us have gotten worse. We have decided to do an IHS and will go to mediation to figure out a few things that we need to straighten out. She has decided that she does not want to live anymore in the town that we lived for the last 10 years and wants to move to a bigger city that is more than 3000 km away to be with him. While we are doing the IHS she is still talking to her "friend" and is planning to go visit him soon for a few days, while telling me that she is visiting one of her girlfriends. We are doing IHS because she does not have the financial means to move out. I have asked her a few times to move out and told her that I do not want to live in an open relationship and if she doesn't want our family anymore she is free to go, but on the other hand she really can not afford to move out on her own and take care of our son for the few days of the week that she will have him. Since Covid began last year she has been a SAHM.
I will keep giving more information in my upcoming posts, but wanted to get your advice one one thing: As I am aware of all her plans to spend a lovely "vacation" with OM should I really push for kicking her out of the house? As in give her the ultimatum - she either goes to spend time with him and I will not allow her back home (her name is not listed anywhere on the home deed) or she decides to cancel the vacation and we keep the peace until she finds her own place and we wrap up mediation. I don't feel it is right for her to go out and spend time with OM while enjoying the comfort of our home. It is very disrespectful towards me and very painful as well. I am planning to tell her that I know that her trip will be to meet OM and not her girlfriends (as she claims). Am I being too controlling in that situation?
At the same time, I have read Sandi's rules and am trying to implement as many as I can, I am GAL-ing pretty often, I don't message or call her anymore, no kisses, hugs, etc. I take my S6 to different activities and hang out with friends during the week and weekends, so I don't miss her in that regard. I don't have the sadness in me that I had at the initial BD, but still some days are harder than others; I really wish we had an intact family. I was also planning to tell her parents (just tell, not ask for advice or help) about our separation and give my side of the story. She likes to lie and tell made up things to our common friends and her family, but I am not 100% sure telling them the truth is the right thing to do yet.
I really appreciate everyone's wisdom and the shared personal experiences on the forum.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Your H or W is giving you a GIFT. THE GIFT OF TIME. USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Last edited by Cadet; Mon Jun 15 2020 07:23 AM. Me-66, D33,S32
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I'm really sorry you're going through this. I'm short on time, so will jump to your question--
Originally Posted by dmrafa
As I am aware of all her plans to spend a lovely "vacation" with OM should I really push for kicking her out of the house? As in give her the ultimatum - she either goes to spend time with him and I will not allow her back home (her name is not listed anywhere on the home deed) or she decides to cancel the vacation and we keep the peace until she finds her own place and we wrap up mediation. I don't feel it is right for her to go out and spend time with OM while enjoying the comfort of our home. It is very disrespectful towards me and very painful as well. I am planning to tell her that I know that her trip will be to meet OM and not her girlfriends (as she claims). Am I being too controlling in that situation?
I doubt you can kick her out. If you're thinking about that, I'd consult an attorney. In most places, that home is her residence, and you can't just evict her. In some places, you've been living together long enough that you are considered "common law married", and 50% of that home may be her property. The worst kind of ultimatum or boundary is the one you can't enforce. Those look, feel, and are weak.
Welcome, and sorry you are dealing with this. It stinks, I know.
As far as kicking her out, I would consult an attorney. Laws concerning this are wide and varied. In most places you cannot just kick her out. You don't mention sleeping arrangements but you certainly should not be sharing a bed with a cheater, so kick her out of the mbr if you haven't done so.
Trying to stop her from going on the trip is controlling. You can ask her to move out, again, but a) ultimatums rarely work b) even if she agreed not to go it wouldn't be because she doesn't want to. But likely she'd go anyway.
So stop focusing on her, and focus on you. Keep GAL. Maybe update your wardrobe. Keep up on your hygiene and grooming. Start working out.
Get into IC, and work on self - improvements. And work on detaching from her. Learn what that means and start working on it.
Finally, do not tell her parents. It's not your place to tell them and even if you give your side she is their daughter. You're not likely to win that battle. And if you end up D'd what they think or know won't matter. Plus, the truth always has a way of winning out. LBSs always struggle with the story their WAS gives to mutual friends and to their family. It is the least of your concerns.
Hang in there.
Last edited by Steve85; 02/04/2110:45 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Sorry you are here! Unfortunately you have no chance of controlling her. None! No ultimatums, only boundaries. Check legal circumstances. Not married as I understand? As mentioned you can probably not just throw her out. The boundary (if you can’t throw her out) would be to either remove yourself (mentally and/or physically) or initiate real separation/divorce. Don’t tell her parents.
Me: 34 Stbxw: 30 D:5 D:3 Mini bd: May/June 2019 Married: Aug 2019 BD: 6th Dec 2019 OM Confirmed: Feb 2020 March 2020: I filed for D Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
Do not make an ultimaitum, it will not work! You cannot make someone else value you, trust me on that one. Let her do whatever she wants and the sooner you can behave as if it is her loss, maybe just mayyyybe she will believe it. Or you can do what I did and pursue, reason, chase, beg, unconditionally love, and be tossed right into the garbage can.
The absolute soonest you can show you will not tolerate disrespect is the best course of action. The legal stuff is less of an emergency and needs more planning.
T:11 M:10 K: D5, S7 BD: 9/1/20 WW continues to break up and recon with OM. I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021 Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21. Glad my D was not busted.
Sorry to hear about your situation, but I'm glad you're here.
If she wants to move, I say let her. Your child is not moving I can almost guarantee that.
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I have asked her a few times to move out and told her that I do not want to live in an open relationship and if she doesn't want our family anymore she is free to go, but on the other hand she really can not afford to move out on her own and take care of our son for the few days of the week that she will have him.
She's not on the deed, she's separated from you to pursue OM, and has left the house to go across the country to see OM. Hhhmm...part of me wants to change the locks! Probably not a good idea legally speaking.
Since she is a SAHM WW I would only pay food, electric, etc - the basics. Don't give her money to go out. And if she has money to go out then don't give her anything IMO.
If she leaves to go see OM on a vacation on your dime I'd be tempted take her crap and throw it out into the street.
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I am planning to tell her that I know that her trip will be to meet OM and not her girlfriends (as she claims). Am I being too controlling in that situation?
More weak than controlling. You can't stop her. Serve her papers or say nothing. Less talk, more actions for this situation.
I told my inlaws, guess what they took her side which is what will happen more often than not. I'm not saying it's a bad idea to expose, just that you should have no expectations.
So I'll recommend my favorite, the LRT:
1. Stop pursuing 2. GAL 3. Wait and see.
What is your goal here? To get her back? The best thing to do to get her back is to really go no contact. Leave her alone. Go do you. I don't know how much you need to communicate for your child, probably not too much as there are routines and she hasn't moved out. I would try not to be around when she is going to be around but don't let her run you off either.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
dmrafa, I wanted to write you more now that I have a moment. It must be horrible seeing that coming--your GF going on vacation to cheat again with OM. If there were a magic way to avoid that, we'd gladly share it with you. With the ultimatum approach, more likely she goes and you look controlling and weak, less likely she doesn't go but only because you frightened, shamed, or embarrassed her. I don't see either approach helping lead you to re-building a relationship with your GF. Whatever her ethics were before, for now she's choosing to lie, and she's unfortunately choosing OM over her relationship with you.
DB'ing doesn't mean there's no hope of reconciliation. You find happiness without her (you're not a safety blanket), you reduce cake eating (e.g., sharing your home, meals, finances, daily lives, and photos), you become the best dmrafa you can (GAL and self-improvement). As you move forward (actions and intent, not words and acting) she may look back. R chances often come, if you even want them, and are in a good place when they do. ((Hugs)) This is terrible stuff, but you're going to come through stronger.
Whatever human imperfection drafa has, you've been faithful, and are focusing on S6. You being comfortable going on a weeklong trip with S6 while she stayed home and saw OM says something good about you.
Ahh, he does call her W. This line threw me: "4 years into our relationship I proposed to her, but due to both our immediate families living in different countries we never got to do an actual wedding."
