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https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2912128&page=11

No Steve85.... tech no longer a puppy.. a year and 4months... but still a puppy to me!

He is so awesome!!!! Love him to pieces. Sadly lost his battle with his tail but everyone's life will get better now. He is completely healed and adjusting well.

Puppy stayed at my office 4 days. It was hard to let him go but when my STBXH came to pick him up the pup's eyes lit up soooooo much. He loves my STBXH... seeing that happy dance just reaffirmed I made the right decision in letting him take the dog. I told the puppy when he was 7mo old and leaving my home to go live with STBXH that he had an important job to do --- to heal STBXH's heart.

Well anyway... now I'm all teary eyed missing the pup again! smile

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Originally Posted by CWarrior
Originally Posted by KitCat
I'm just honestly having a hard time getting over pilot.

It's understandable. The first new person you're intimate with in 10+ years has an impact on most people. Besides that, your STBXH clearly left a void, and pilot filled it, probably better than STBXH in some ways.

Originally Posted by KitCat
don't want to be judged... I get it on a deeper level but it still just guts me.

Setting aside whether it was wise, it was brave putting your heart out there, showing up naked on his doorstep. We know KitCat is loyal, generous, and compassionate. Commendable traits.


Thanks for understanding.... I allowed myself to be vulnerable with him. Maybe not as quickly or in the way pilot wanted but I was getting there... lowering my wall. In a way that I have not done with anyone in 12yr.

I'm starting to see that he was not appreciative of the efforts I did make.

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Hey Kit,

Did you really like pilot that much after 6 dates? Or is there some underlying reason that needs your attention as to why you so quickly became attached?

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Originally Posted by KitCat


Well its good to know that I'm not even PLAN B. He shares the pics because he thinks we are just friends then. Which wouldn't bother me except that he lives with OW and is taking OW to Hawaii. So its like... really??? Do you tell her that you send me pictures of what you are working on?

And, frankly he has a lot of work do to on himself before there could ever be any recon... I could not return to his past behaviors... EVER.




KK, in the past month you have opened up about this historic abuse... then you mention the word recon..

I have nothing to do with my ex - I block her on everything except email. We ONLY communicate by email.

My ex didnt abuse me the way you say your husband did - yet you allow picture exchanges ? WTF ?

This is where you will say its all about the puppy ?

IMO, the above shows you are still hung up on the ex..

It is also a perfect example of why you should not be dating !

If you wanted to move on, you would - you would take that step... you chose not to... Kind of like Curtis and his WWs horse situation.. a reason to keep contact.


Previous username - Helpme123.. A name chosen at a desperate time..

Now Mr Brightside.. coming out of my cage, and doing just fine.
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Originally Posted by Thornton
Hey Kit,

Did you really like pilot that much after 6 dates? Or is there some underlying reason that needs your attention as to why you so quickly became attached?


I've certainly tried journalling and to figure that out.

You want my frank honesty??? I wish I had dated a bunch of other guys THEN this guy. I think I would have had my crap together better by then. Instead I met him first... then dated a bunch of other guys.

If someone takes the time to message me on a dating site - the politeness in me I always respond. Its not easy to put yourself out there and I get that. I've had 2 guys really pursue me for a date and I relented despite I wasn't sure they were a good match for me.

Guy 1 showed up in a t-shirt, ball cap and hoddie over the ball cap to a nice resturant. Did not remove the hoodie or the ball cap until half way through dinner... YIKES. The other guy again took me to a very nice resturant and kept his ballcap on the entire time... I've tried to allot for nervousness but I spent years being taught you take your hats off inside and raised my kids that way.

I've gone out with guys who did not walk me to my car - in a dark parking lot.

Sadly pilot did all the right things - always kind, polite, walked me to my car even when I was leaving his house he still walked me out to my car. No, he was not perfect - he clearly cut me loose LOL. But, I took this for granted since I was just get out dating again. This is how my STBXH was when we dated... I just assumed all guys were like this... NOPE. I wish I had taken the time to say "I appreciated you did X... "

Live and learn I guess.

There are hundreds of profiles on a dating site.... This guy set the bar pretty high. But, if he had felt the same about me he would not have moved on.

Adventures in dating.... not so much fun.

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Originally Posted by MrBrside


KK, in the past month you have opened up about this historic abuse... then you mention the word recon..

I have nothing to do with my ex - I block her on everything except email. We ONLY communicate by email.

My ex didnt abuse me the way you say your husband did - yet you allow picture exchanges ? WTF ?

This is where you will say its all about the puppy ?

IMO, the above shows you are still hung up on the ex..

It is also a perfect example of why you should not be dating !

If you wanted to move on, you would - you would take that step... you chose not to... Kind of like Curtis and his WWs horse situation.. a reason to keep contact.


I raised this puppy for the first 7mo of his life. I did the hard work as that puppy was a turd to housebreak... STBXH got to walk off with a trained puppy... LOL.

So I'm super attached the puppy.

Weird as it is... I still think about pilots dogs... one was not doing well. Maybe that's why I'm a vet? I focus on the critters more???

Either way I 100% realized that I created my own pain by showing up and being on call for puppy. It led to conversations and chatting and lunch. A good deal of lunch was focused on the kids. Granted we don't "share" kids but we raised these kids as our own for 10yr.

I'm working through that 75% of the time my STBXH was an amazing guy. He had his incredible moments and 25% of the time anger, meaness, flat out cruelness and abuse came out. He never came out and apologized but looking back he tried through actions but nothing would change long term and it was always he was stressed out and sleep deprived. And, before you judge... he was most of the time sleep deprived. 12-14hr days 7 days a week.

I saw the "good" man during the times with the puppy and at lunch. Its the "good" man I miss. The screaming and yelling and physical and emotional abuse was devestating... but as they say "hurt people hurt people". Maybe I'm too forgiving... IDK.

I don't know why he randomly sends pics. I don't ask. They are only of the forge and his knives that he is making - a new hobby.

He isn't asking the save the M. He has moved on and I need to as well... I'm in my own way of that happening.

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There is zero excuse for any physical abuse, especially when your son even witnessed it and your son was emotionally abused by him from your account. Hurt people hurt people is never an excuse .

Wanting to see the “good” has nothing to do with your forgiving nature. It has to do with your trauma and attachment issues . You continue to obsess over a man who abused you, but the good is he’s nice to the puppy. The man was abusive to you.

You are obsessing and perseverate over two men. And I believe only for the reason they rejected you. Your self esteem and self worth are shot.

We have all said it, but there is a limit on the help you can get here. You really need professional help and I really hope for your sake you get it soon

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Originally Posted by Ginger1
There is zero excuse for any physical abuse, especially when your son even witnessed it and your son was emotionally abused by him from your account. Hurt people hurt people is never an excuse .

Wanting to see the “good” has nothing to do with your forgiving nature. It has to do with your trauma and attachment issues . You continue to obsess over a man who abused you, but the good is he’s nice to the puppy. The man was abusive to you.

You are obsessing and perseverate over two men. And I believe only for the reason they rejected you. Your self esteem and self worth are shot.

We have all said it, but there is a limit on the help you can get here. You really need professional help and I really hope for your sake you get it soon


I'm not denying my issues. I am working through them. My timeline for healing is not yours.

I just want to walk away and not HATE the man. Nor do I want to be hated. I relieve some of the episodes and wonder how I made it through. I just don't want to take that baggage going forward.

I'm working out a way for me to find peace in all of this.

I know its a day at a time. I will have good days and bad days. Truth is I will never hide behind my thoughts.

That being said I'm super excited to have finished a knitting project that is a surprise for someone and have started a new knitting project for myself.

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That “good man” you miss also has an evil side , the side prevailant now that has put you here for the last few years.

That comment to ginger about your timeline for healing is not hers, you’re right. I think though that that can be a complicated thing to unpack or very simple. It’s up to the person how difficult we make it for ourselves as we try to “progress and move forward” in all of it. Of course we can backslide and falter back sometimes but are we moving ahead enough to not stay stagnant?

I’ve not really commented on your thread but I have read posts thru the months. I sympathize in many ways and hope you find peace in the healing process but don’t go soft on and make excuses for him. You did that with the sleep deprivation. When you say things like before you judge, it will have the opposite effect and I for one become supercritical , I and many here who have been BD’d probably sleep on average 4 hours or less and you got some of the most caring, compassionate people here so wake up to that.


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I am not saying you need to heal on my timeline or anyone else’s. Adam speaks to what I am saying. You keep saying you are aware of your issues. But you are doing anything productive to fix them, it’s like you are going 90mph even though you know the car had no brakes. What are you doing to move forward rather than remain stagnant . Because you obsessing and justifying is keeping you awfully stuck. We all just really want you to move forward and not stay right where you are, which is a place of thoughts and habits which keep you from moving forward

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Originally Posted by KitCat
Originally Posted by Thornton
Hey Kit,

Did you really like pilot that much after 6 dates? Or is there some underlying reason that needs your attention as to why you so quickly became attached?


I've certainly tried journalling and to figure that out.

You want my frank honesty??? I wish I had dated a bunch of other guys THEN this guy. I think I would have had my crap together better by then. Instead I met him first... then dated a bunch of other guys.

If someone takes the time to message me on a dating site - the politeness in me I always respond. Its not easy to put yourself out there and I get that. I've had 2 guys really pursue me for a date and I relented despite I wasn't sure they were a good match for me.

Guy 1 showed up in a t-shirt, ball cap and hoddie over the ball cap to a nice resturant. Did not remove the hoodie or the ball cap until half way through dinner... YIKES. The other guy again took me to a very nice resturant and kept his ballcap on the entire time... I've tried to allot for nervousness but I spent years being taught you take your hats off inside and raised my kids that way.

I've gone out with guys who did not walk me to my car - in a dark parking lot.

Sadly pilot did all the right things - always kind, polite, walked me to my car even when I was leaving his house he still walked me out to my car. No, he was not perfect - he clearly cut me loose LOL. But, I took this for granted since I was just get out dating again. This is how my STBXH was when we dated... I just assumed all guys were like this... NOPE. I wish I had taken the time to say "I appreciated you did X... "

Live and learn I guess.

There are hundreds of profiles on a dating site.... This guy set the bar pretty high. But, if he had felt the same about me he would not have moved on.

Adventures in dating.... not so much fun.


So......your answer to "you shouldn't be dating" is that you should be dating more! ROFL

Sometimes I feel like you are punking us KC.


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Originally Posted by KitCat
Originally Posted by MrBrside


KK, in the past month you have opened up about this historic abuse... then you mention the word recon..

I have nothing to do with my ex - I block her on everything except email. We ONLY communicate by email.

My ex didnt abuse me the way you say your husband did - yet you allow picture exchanges ? WTF ?

This is where you will say its all about the puppy ?

IMO, the above shows you are still hung up on the ex..

It is also a perfect example of why you should not be dating !

If you wanted to move on, you would - you would take that step... you chose not to... Kind of like Curtis and his WWs horse situation.. a reason to keep contact.


I raised this puppy for the first 7mo of his life. I did the hard work as that puppy was a turd to housebreak... STBXH got to walk off with a trained puppy... LOL.

So I'm super attached the puppy.

Weird as it is... I still think about pilots dogs... one was not doing well. Maybe that's why I'm a vet? I focus on the critters more???

Either way I 100% realized that I created my own pain by showing up and being on call for puppy. It led to conversations and chatting and lunch. A good deal of lunch was focused on the kids. Granted we don't "share" kids but we raised these kids as our own for 10yr.

I'm working through that 75% of the time my STBXH was an amazing guy. He had his incredible moments and 25% of the time anger, meaness, flat out cruelness and abuse came out. He never came out and apologized but looking back he tried through actions but nothing would change long term and it was always he was stressed out and sleep deprived. And, before you judge... he was most of the time sleep deprived. 12-14hr days 7 days a week.

I saw the "good" man during the times with the puppy and at lunch. Its the "good" man I miss. The screaming and yelling and physical and emotional abuse was devestating... but as they say "hurt people hurt people". Maybe I'm too forgiving... IDK.

I don't know why he randomly sends pics. I don't ask. They are only of the forge and his knives that he is making - a new hobby.

He isn't asking the save the M. He has moved on and I need to as well... I'm in my own way of that happening.




It is like a bandaid....you rip it off.

Next time he texts you because THE DOG licked a sore spot in his hide, your response. "I think it would be best from this point forward for you to find veterinary care elsewhere, and closer to your house."

THEN BLOCK HIS NUMBER.

You control you. Even if you insist that you don't.


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Originally Posted by Ginger1
I am not saying you need to heal on my timeline or anyone else’s. Adam speaks to what I am saying. You keep saying you are aware of your issues. But you are doing anything productive to fix them, it’s like you are going 90mph even though you know the car had no brakes. What are you doing to move forward rather than remain stagnant . Because you obsessing and justifying is keeping you awfully stuck. We all just really want you to move forward and not stay right where you are, which is a place of thoughts and habits which keep you from moving forward


"That's just the way I am."


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Originally Posted by Steve85
Sometimes I feel like you are punking us KC.

Thought this myself many times

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Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by Steve85
Sometimes I feel like you are punking us KC.

Thought this myself many times



I have seen you say this too. Maybe it just KC's stubborn right-fighting, but Mr. B types out a very thoughtful response and KC responds by saying the problem was not more, but less dating..............


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Well I've done quite a lot to move forward and I have good days and bad.... you see the bad...

As for the dog - sorry its not easy to turn my back on the puppy I raised and the puppy I'm bonded to. My entire office swooned over this dog the 4 days he was here.

I get it - its just a dog. But, lets say for a moment it's your 4yr old child "sorry, from this point forward its time for you to have another woman care for our child that's closet to your home". WTF...

I have admitted to my mistakes in recently being there "on call" for this puppy during his emergency health crisis and how it did set me back and that was 100% my own fault. I'm not blaming anyone here on this board that I picked at my own scab. I see how my emotions are still at risk when dealing with STBXH and puppy. But, puppy is my number one and I will have to figure out how not to get drawn back in and set back.

As for dating - I was giving an honest montage about my experience and I'm made fun of??? Really??? I'm just telling my experience as it is. I hear that I should not be dating... I'm starting to see that... I have a terrible time cancelling plans with anyone BUT, I stood up for myself and told the guy I'm staying home on Sunday. Then today another guy texts to inform me we have dinner reservations for X on Saturday... WTH... I never agreed to go out with him again.

I'm making some good new friends in the real world as best as possible given COVID.

This is my journey and completely imperfect for sure. I'm doing a lot of self work. I have a support group... again which is hard because I've gotten hit on in this support group... UGH... but I'm there doing the work.

You all are just getting a real honest version of a person who admits who she is and where she is at and loves herself inspite of imperfections, flaws and falling down... I get back up everyday.

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I am sorry you feel I was making fun of you. I wasn't. I did find it funny that you responded to Mr B. insisting you shouldn't be dating with the comment about dating more. -shrug-

What I was doing was trying to see how you make excuses for yourself. Acknowledge you have a fault, excuse it, then shrug your shoulders and say "oh well". I think you would benefit greatly from IC, but that is just me beating my head against the wall so I'll leave it there.


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So KK what is it that you want from this board?

As Jerry McGuire once said "Help me help you"

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Originally Posted by Steve85
I am sorry you feel I was making fun of you. I wasn't. I did find it funny that you responded to Mr B. insisting you shouldn't be dating with the comment about dating more. -shrug-

What I was doing was trying to see how you make excuses for yourself. Acknowledge you have a fault, excuse it, then shrug your shoulders and say "oh well". I think you would benefit greatly from IC, but that is just me beating my head against the wall so I'll leave it there.


I recognize EVERYONE's opinion about me not dating... and I'm working through that. What am I dating for? What am I seeking? What does this do for me?

I was just explaining my actual experience in dating... and why is that I'm stuck on one particular person...

IRONICALLY... I like going out and having conversation over a meal (THE VERY THING pilot said I sucked at). I enjoy learning about new things and people. I actually have a good time and most of the men would also say the enjoyed meeting me and having a nice evening out. We are all starved for connection with COVID.

I am probably among the most honest on here in listing my journey and what really happens in ones mind. Its a unique time in my life... becoming an empty nester, H walks out and COVID. Those are major life changes and I got all 3 at the same time. I'm trying to not become the lady who sits at home and talks to herself non-stop.

Again. I'm active in a support group. I've been researching a life coach.

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Originally Posted by LH19
So KK what is it that you want from this board?

As Jerry McGuire once said "Help me help you"





Sometimes I'm just here because the day is rough and I just need an outlet. If you go back and read I initiated with I'm not wanting to be judged.

Not every day is bad. Sometimes though I go to bed at 9pm because I've got nothing going on and I just want to get through a day without making a mistake or a mistep.

I know I've got anxious attachment and that takes time to work through. You just don't get to wake up one day and say ... nope not anxious anymore... Its a process.

Overall I'm just tired and still filled with LOTS of regret... space and time are the only things that fix those.

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What do you regret?

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Kit,

I'm sorry you feel picked on, that's not what our goal is.

For me, I'm confused as to what you are looking for here. This board is about growth and self development so that once we heal, we will be much better suited for a successful relationship with or without our ex.

When I read your posts, it comes across as you not wanting to self improve, but rather asking for dating advice.

I don't think anyone here can help with dating advice because broken attracts broken and you've admitted several times that you are broken. Are you asking for advice on how to make a broken relationship work with another broken person?

I'm confused...

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Originally Posted by KitCat

IRONICALLY... I like going out and having conversation over a meal (THE VERY THING pilot said I sucked at). I enjoy learning about new things and people. I actually have a good time and most of the men would also say the enjoyed meeting me and having a nice evening out. We are all starved for connection with COVID.


Ironically, you can do that with another lady! I too enjoy going out and having conversation over a meal. And I do it quite often. Sometimes with my wife. Sometimes with friends as a couple. Sometimes with one of my buddies. Sometimes with a couple of buddies. I get it, that is a social outlet that even introverts can sometimes enjoy! (I am an ambivert by the way.)

I know, you will give me reasons and excuses why that isn't the same. However, if just the need to go out and have conversation over a meal and learning new things and people was justification, then there would be nothing wrong with dating while you are married. I think you can see the difference.


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Originally Posted by Steve85
Originally Posted by KitCat

IRONICALLY... I like going out and having conversation over a meal (THE VERY THING pilot said I sucked at). I enjoy learning about new things and people. I actually have a good time and most of the men would also say the enjoyed meeting me and having a nice evening out. We are all starved for connection with COVID.


Ironically, you can do that with another lady! I too enjoy going out and having conversation over a meal. And I do it quite often. Sometimes with my wife. Sometimes with friends as a couple. Sometimes with one of my buddies. Sometimes with a couple of buddies. I get it, that is a social outlet that even introverts can sometimes enjoy! (I am an ambivert by the way.)

I know, you will give me reasons and excuses why that isn't the same. However, if just the need to go out and have conversation over a meal and learning new things and people was justification, then there would be nothing wrong with dating while you are married. I think you can see the difference.


I have nearly NO woman friends in my immediate area. I have more male friends. For some reason its easier to find men to go out with than woman... I'm not trying to make an excuse. Its just how it is.

I've experimented and the best way to meet new people and get out was a dating app of all things... I do not live in a big city and things to do are extremely limited.

I'm getting out there GAL and doing what I need to do but I get it my methods are a little unorthodox but I'm trying.

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Originally Posted by Thornton
Kit,

I'm sorry you feel picked on, that's not what our goal is.

For me, I'm confused as to what you are looking for here. This board is about growth and self development so that once we heal, we will be much better suited for a successful relationship with or without our ex.

When I read your posts, it comes across as you not wanting to self improve, but rather asking for dating advice.

I don't think anyone here can help with dating advice because broken attracts broken and you've admitted several times that you are broken. Are you asking for advice on how to make a broken relationship work with another broken person?

I'm confused...





I'm working very hard at self improvement. I get it my progress is not maybe as fast as it should be and its been a painful journey and some days I just go home and shut the door and go to bed to raw to do any work but also not wanting to make any mistakes and creating a set back.

Other days I'm full on doing the work.

I'm not asking for dating advice.

I got in over my head pretty quickly when I was not quite ready ... I was ready to date but not be exclusive because I realize I'm still in the process of being D but then found someone I liked a whole darn lot and that hasn't happened in a really long time.

It is what it is.

I'm just trying to honest and real with where I am. I know I struggle more than most.

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Originally Posted by LH19
What do you regret?



I regret the mistakes I made in my M. Its not all my fault for sure but there were a couple of behaviors that I did that I was not very proud of.

There was something that we argued about... mostly when my H was feeling upset or controlled and I realize that if I had understood my WHY better I might have done a better job of getting him to understand that I was really just had a lot of fear... a terrible fear (financial insecurity) drove my behavior where he felt controlled.

For those of you who feel I've not been doing the work --- well I have. I have a better understanding of what drove some of my behaviors that STBXH was resistant with. Knowing where it came from I probably could have spoken with him better and he might have understood and been more understanding himself. Sometimes I wish I didn't do the work and maybe things would just be less painful -- its not easy seeing and working through your own short comings.

I am NOT excusing the behavior I suffered at the hands of my H... that is his crap to work through.

I regret not being more ready to date when I started.... I blew a good thing by not being ready and it is what it is.

Overall I'm just exhausted.

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KC, you need a vacation from all of this. Can you take a couple of weeks break from the dating and tell your ex that you're busy and block his number for a while too? And just practice self-care and schedule zoom calls with your female friends from out of your area? Nearly zero female friends means you must have at least one, right? Call her up and meet for drinks or dinner or a walk. Doesn't it seem so much more relaxing and inviting to spend time with someone you already know and who cares about you? Even if it is virtual?

I'd be exhausted too with all the dating and the random texts from my abusive ex pretending to be friends. It is a lot. Especially for an introvert. Give yourself a break. You deserve it.


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In your case, the work you need to do is to understand why you stayed in an abusive relationship and how to fix your picker so it doesn’t happen again. Continuing to parse your abusive marriage is only useful in this context.


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Originally Posted by may22
KC, you need a vacation from all of this. Can you take a couple of weeks break from the dating and tell your ex that you're busy and block his number for a while too? And just practice self-care and schedule zoom calls with your female friends from out of your area? Nearly zero female friends means you must have at least one, right? Call her up and meet for drinks or dinner or a walk. Doesn't it seem so much more relaxing and inviting to spend time with someone you already know and who cares about you? Even if it is virtual?

I'd be exhausted too with all the dating and the random texts from my abusive ex pretending to be friends. It is a lot. Especially for an introvert. Give yourself a break. You deserve it.


My female bff lives 4hr away and is very immunocompromised so in the era of COVID... UGH.

I have booked a Condo 6hr north of me at a ski resort - I don't ski... but I'm looking forward to snow shoe and cross country skiing for the first time. My female bff may join me but COVID is a very scary thing for her.

So I live alone... I will book a condo for a week... I will be alone. Not sure what it means if I'm alone here or there. But, I'm doing my very best to GAL and have been.

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Originally Posted by KitCat
My female bff lives 4hr away and is very immunocompromised so in the era of COVID... UGH.

I have booked a Condo 6hr north of me at a ski resort - I don't ski... but I'm looking forward to snow shoe and cross country skiing for the first time. My female bff may join me but COVID is a very scary thing for her.

So I live alone... I will book a condo for a week... I will be alone. Not sure what it means if I'm alone here or there. But, I'm doing my very best to GAL and have been.

That sounds fun!

What about scheduling regular calls with your friend, or Zoom cocktail evenings with her? If you haven't tried it, don't knock it. Can be a lot of fun. There are also virtual escape rooms you can do with friends remotely, that could be another fun way to connect with someone who can't go out because of COVID.

What are other ways to GAL for you without leaving your house? I've been eyeing MasterClass-- I paid for CorePower Yoga on demand and love those classes too. They have short meditations as well, or a meditation app like Calm also has a bunch of guided meditation programs you might find helpful around emotions, personal growth, and relationships. Learn to play an instrument (ukulele is easy and fun, lots of free YouTube videos), get into a new TV series or book series... I know you knit but wouldn't it be fun to try something totally different? Any projects around the house been bugging you? Repaint your bedroom and make it an oasis of calm. Adopt a new puppy or a kitten or two. I'd love to hear some things you can plan for the times you're at home. GALing doesn't need to be out of the house and it doesn't need to involve anyone else.


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Originally Posted by KitCat
I'm working very hard at self improvement. I get it my progress is not maybe as fast as it should be and its been a painful journey and some days I just go home and shut the door and go to bed to raw to do any work but also not wanting to make any mistakes and creating a set back.


The point that I'm trying to make is that you can't truly work on your inner attachment/trauma/childhood wounds while trying to date people, I don't think it's possible.

IMO, you have to pick:

1. Continue to date while broken and settle into another relationship that will eventually implode with another BD.

or

2. Be single and learn to be comfortable in your own skin, heal, and then date when you are healthy and whole. Ironically, this is when you will attract a good partner.

I think people here get frustrated with you because we can see what you can't (many of us have been here for years and have seen this a million times) and we get to sit and watch as our friend Kit, continues to self harm.

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may is nailing it with her posts. I agree 100% with may.


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haha Steve!! You know flattery will get you everywhere wink

KC-- as my therapist would say... pick just one change you'll make this week. One change, stick to it, let us know how it feels.


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Thanks May...

I have literally done it all... Masterclass, Cooking Class, Exercise, Home Projects... I'm a total introvert and my home is my happy place but I cannot do one more thing in this house....

I've done lots of zoom meet ups... I chat, text and online with friends...

These walls have closed in on me in a big way.

Due to COVID things I would normally do are not available.... wineries, events, music... NOTHING in my area. Heck I'd even take a long drive... NOTHING.

I need out of the house before I end up like Jack Nicholson in the Shinning...

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You would at least have a toilet door to mend! lol

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Originally Posted by KitCat
Heck I'd even take a long drive... NOTHING.



Sometimes the drive CAN BE the destination. So just go out and take a long drive! (Where there is a will there is way.)


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I've been avoiding posting on Newbies posts for some time mostly because it frustrates me. So here's the deal. May is offering you gold with a smile and a hug. Not every one here is going to offer you things that way. And there's a reason for that. You along with a handful of others remain in a little box of you're own creation repeating the same actions over and over and expecting different results every time. I lot of vets run out of patience with that. And rightly so when they've told you the same things over and over.

I left a dog with my exH. I raised him. I trained him. I love him. I bawled the day my ex called to tell me it was just a matter of time. I cried when I had to leave him behind. I dog sat for the dog too. But trust and believe I also left my exH, he didn't leave me. And we weren't at a dog sitting place until 2 years after I moved out. and about 1 1/2 after the papers were signed. You're willingness to jump at that opportunity leaves me and others to wonder how much of that was really about the dog. And you can't be upset when that question arises. Especially after abuse allegations. Dog or no dog, self preservation instincts should've kicked in at some point. But they didn't and don't and it leads me to wonder.

I have been in an abusive relationship. I've been in more than one if you want to count childhood abuse. I can tell you good people can become toxic and turn into people they aren't when they find themselves in toxic relationship. That kind of relationship can turn two mostly well adjusted people into raving lunatics who feed each others demons into chaos. Not all abusive relationships are the kind people see in movies. Most of the time when you both get out and move on it's a toxic relationship not necessarily a traditionally abusive one. But a little secret about that. At least one of those people typically thinks that toxic dumpster fire with it's dramatic highs and lows is what love is due to FOO or early romantic relationships or both. I'd put money on the fact that you get sucked back in by your ex over and over again willingly because of that cycle, that insane pull push you have in a codependent relationship fuels you in a way not much else does. I've been there. A lot of people have, but the question is what are you doing about it?

I also have some questions about the next to no female friend thing, but I'll leave that for another day. The zoom calls with your friends that May suggested is a great idea, but you may also want to find yourself a place to develop more female friendships. Like an online book club. There are other boards like this for literally any other issue or interest on the planet. It's all one google search away. When I was teen mom, one of my biggest saving graces was an online mom community. Same with a friend of mine who had micro-premies. Or my mom when she was sick and living in a rural area. Having other cancer patients to talk to offered her support in a way no one else could. You have options to expand your circle. You just have to be willing to look for them.

Which comes to my last and most important points. I know people have been on you about IC. And I know money is an issue for a lot of people. But I also know that a ton of therapists work on a sliding scale, there's even a few apps for that. And my dear your self work needs to be altered entirely and for some reason no one on here can get you to see that. Your self work has nothing to do with what you could've done to be a better spouse. That kind of work is something to be done much later. Honey, your work needs to be about why you'd choose a mate who hurts you in anyway and then continue to pick them over and over. What your contribution is in your cycles of disfunction. And most importantly why you can't stand to be alone with yourself. It took me years to work through my demons. And I know I still am. But your self work isn't to attract a mate, it's to make you a happy, whole and healthy person. You also don't necessarily have to do IC if you aren't ready yet, but there are other ways to maybe start finding your path. There are tons and tons of books out there that you should be gobbling up with all this alone time of yours. Codependent No More, Codependency for Dummies, Why does he do that?: Inside the minds of angry and controlling men, The Body Keeps Score. Maybe a really good one for you would be How to do no contact like a boss. There's also tons and tons of podcasts out there. Brene Brown, Unf*ck your Brain, Self Care is Sexy, Love Happiness and Success, Arm Chair Expert. And those are just self improvement ones. There's hundreds upon hundred of podcasts that you could tap into to fill time. Also TED talks. There are so many Ted talks about learning about you, taking care of you, getting past the things that hold you back. And once again about any number of topics you have interest in outside of self improvement.

You have options here. But first you have to stop doing more of the same. More of the same never serves you.

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wayfarer, well said!


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Wayfarer, wow, what a thoughtful and enlightening post! I scanned the beginning of "Codependent No More", and it's entertaining reading, even if not my demon just now. I'll check out those Self Care podcasts.

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Wayfarer,

A very well thought out posting and very sage advice.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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So its tax time....

I have not even started but STBXH texted about tax documents from broker... I said I had not received anything. THAT WAS IT.

Well it came the very next day --- so I texted "Docs arrived today". He replied OK and I expected that he would request copy but he never did.

SO yesterday I told him we needed to talk later about tax stuff to which he replied 'OK'. I did not push and left it in his court. Very late in the afternoon he texted asking if I could talk. I waited a bit and replied that I was available but knew he might be sleeping so left it to him to call.

He called back - very sleepy. I told him it was not urgent and we could discuss when he is less tired. He said nope, not a problem. Had to discuss how to file taxes - we are legally separated so will be filing separate but this tax document is from a joint account and one of us has to file it. He was in such a rush to liquidate accounts about this time last year and I did not get the account locked down until after he liquidated --- he took a $7k hit on assests. (24% hit). NOW, last year I told him that after the accounts were locked down and he could not clear account.

As I was explaining that we will be able to offset our taxes due to huge loss but not sure how to split it just yet - was researching. As I think there is a limit per person but we should both be able to benefit.

I explained what a hit the account took when he liquidating at the beginning of COVID... he seemed to have completely forgot that he took a 7k loss... acted clueless. ok.

NOW - historically this account has been a point of contention. He feels its "HIS" money and not part of marital property. My atty feels otherwise. Regardless since both of our names are on it I'm equally legally responsible for and while its more capital loss there is still interest to report. I figured he would argue and claim the account 100% given his history about it... NOPE. He said he had completely forgot about the account and filed his taxes just earlier today (wait... I texted YESTERDAY the Docs came???) Anyway in talking about taxes he forgot to report his unemployement. ((I always did the taxes)). I let him know to wait until his taxes were accepted and to file an amendment which was pretty easy to do. Bottom line is he said he forgot and I should take the tax break and file it as he was not going to mess with it.

Business item done.

I tried to get off the phone politely by saying he needed to get some sleep before his shift... But, he wouldn't let me get off the phone??? He kept talking... and talking... and talking... I tried 2 other times to get off the phone. He talked about the kids and actually for once asked about S19. He hasn't really asked about S19 in forever. He went on about what he was watching on Netflix. Sometimes I just sat with the phone sort of off to the side and was petting my cat more than listening to him. Next thing he is talking about his bff that just visited him. Then on to food and raving about me needing to get an air fryer?

I then realized I suffer from Nice Girl Syndrome. OR I'm a people pleaser... because I am NOT getting off this phone... for 2hr.... ((FACEPALM)) I finally said... YOU NEED SLEEP AND I NEED TO GO... and he was like yeah... talk to you later.... What the heck???

In the end he is telling me he still doesn't have an atty. He knows we have a court date 3/11 but I'm not going to be there - I'm letting my atty handle it. He thinks we may have a final decree before then??? Interesting as my atty just got the last financial docs from the accountant this week. Oh well......

Woke up this morning and STBXH was my first thought again... and I was thinking. Maybe pilot is right... maybe I should be hating this man. If I hated him maybe it would be easier... maybe I'm not going through a divorce because I'm trying to keep it peaceful and happy. Why can't I hate this man??? He clearly treated me wrong so many times during our M. I want to hate him but how do you hate a broken person??? How does a broken person hate??? Where is my anger???

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You don't have to hate him. You need to love and respect yourself enough to not get sucked in to his broken world.


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Your anger may come later once everything is signed and dated. You are still going through the stages of grief and at some point, anger may come, but take that anger and put it to good use on something that you need to do around the house, etc. I will say this....anger takes up a lot of your energy and concentration.

Right now, you are still attempting to keep things peaceful and on an even keel and you've had/and continue to have other things on your mind. You are attempting to keep the connection open and still move forward.

The way to get off the phone when he goes on and on is to say, "I have to go I have something I need to do" and then wish him a nice day and hang up. You are not obligated to sit there and listen to all of that stuff.

One step at a time, one day at a time.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Business item done.

KC: "Okay, it feels good to get this sorted out. I am really busy and need to get going. Goodbye."

Then hang-up.

If he stalls: "I was wondering about S19...."

KC: "I really need to go! Goodbye."

I am not sure it is NGS. I think it is "OH! HE LIKES ME! HE WANTS TO DISCUSS NON-BUSINESS STUFF WITH ME! YAY!"

Just my observation. I know a lot of people that are difficult to hang up with on a phone call. But when I want off the phone I get off the phone.


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KK,

I think the problem is you think you can nice him back.

Based on your postings it sounds like you were very dismissive and annoyed by him so now you are trying the opposite.

"Oh sweetie you need your sleep".

The problem is that he is in another relationship.

This will keep you spinning for awhile.

Then the trip will come and reality will set in more.

Then the divorce will be done and reality will set in more.

Then the engagement will be announced and reality will set in more.

Then eventually you will have enough and cut him off and he will say "same old KK".

You are playing a game you can't win KK.

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Originally Posted by Steve85
Business item done.

KC: "Okay, it feels good to get this sorted out. I am really busy and need to get going. Goodbye."

Then hang-up.

If he stalls: "I was wondering about S19...."

KC: "I really need to go! Goodbye."

I am not sure it is NGS. I think it is "OH! HE LIKES ME! HE WANTS TO DISCUSS NON-BUSINESS STUFF WITH ME! YAY!"

Just my observation. I know a lot of people that are difficult to hang up with on a phone call. But when I want off the phone I get off the phone.


I was not thinking "he likes me"...

As I said at one point I was more interested in petting the cat. He was actually mumbling - most likely due to lying in bed and not having the phone where it needed to be.... I really couldn't understand a word he was saying but I never mentioned it... just sat there while he mumbled things that were incoherent.

I get it.

I'm being way too nice.

If I had to be honest I'd still like to delay the D... I don't know why... he's not coming back. Maybe its just what I feel is the stigma of D... FAILURE maybe???

Doesn't matter. He's moved on. He's just trying to be nice and hoping that I won't be screwing him over.

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So (facepalm) men keep sending flowers to my office... that's keeping the staff talking... and my boss... UGH.

One guy sent flowers twice and I thanked him profusely for such a gesture but he never asked me out again. He had texted me something about being out of my league... blah blah blah but I had never judged him. Frankly we just truly didn't have ANYTHING in common. And, I'm not chasing men anymore... I was the last to contact thinking he would ask me out again. Eh... no worries.

Then another guy sent flowers on Monday. We had only gone out 3 times and its been over 2 weeks since I've seen him due to snow and I was not feeling well last weekend with a stomach bug. So he sent the flowers as an early Vday gift and to tell me to feel better soon. We had plans to eat at this unique restaurant in my town on Saturday.

He texts me to say that its booked on Saturday could we do another day. I just said we could pick a different place for Saturday as I'm not available on Friday. Now truth be told I'm not doing anything on Friday but work has been very busy lately and I like my Friday night down time. I was not eluding that I had other plans AND he knows work has been busy and I often work till 7pm.

Well dinner plans on Saturday turned into a text ... are you dating others??? I know its not my business to ask... WAIT??? WHAT??? Uhm, for starters we have been out 3 times. I haven't seen him in 2 weeks. In a text message no less.

So I stated that I'm not actively dating others but I am still not divorced (he has known this from date 1 and he says not an issue for him) and I'm not looking into anything rushed or pushed.

I proceeded to get dumped via text message... LMAO. He's telling me what an amazing person I am and how he wasn't looking to date during COVID because he was not comfortable in restaurants or bars but I was worth the risk. UHM, HELLO... you were on a dating site (double facepalm). He went on about how comfortable I made him and how great I am. He apologized and wished things were different.

I said "I hear you". "no need to apologize for how you feel".

He kept on texting.....

I did not respond. Peace out...

I'm not upset. I'm not sad. Well... I was looking forward to catching up with him over dinner since we had not seen each other in 2 weeks, but I'll survive.

Guess I've got the whole weekend for down time. Go me!!!

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I’m not 100% sure what I just read but sounds like you still are a bad picker of men.

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KC.

Wayfarer wrote an incredible post to you a week ago.

You completely ignored it and posted about a long conversation you had with your ex about taxes and worried that you were being too nice.

Then you just posted about two other men you have been dating and sending you flowers.

Come on, KC. STOP. LISTEN. PLEASE.

Originally Posted by Wayfarer
You have options here. But first you have to stop doing more of the same. More of the same never serves you.

What I'm reading is just more of the same. It is heartbreaking to me. Truly. Can you please respond to Wayfarer? Or me, for that matter? What is one thing you can do differently, today, either for self care or starting on the path of self work?

It feels like you're bouncing from one extreme to the other. Last week you were freaking out about the idea of being in your home alone. You said the walls were closing in on you and you didn't want to turn into Jack Nicholson. That you'd tried literally every possible at-home GAL option and nothing was working. Now you're looking forward to down time this weekend. Can you help us understand what is going on in your head?


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KK,

I'm going to be brutal. ( hopefully one day you will realise this is for you and not to be cruel )

You are more than broken... You need serious mental health assistance.

Everything you write is just, well nuts... usually contradicting what you wrote a few posts prior, which leaves the rational people who try to assist you shaking their heads in disbelief.

I read your posts and often wondered what could be your issue... I know various things have been posted about NPD, BPD etc.. I am wondering if you are split personality.

You take too many 2x4s to be NPD IMO.. NPD dont like critacism / being told you are wrong and usually run.. You are still here, reading all the stuff people write (although ignoring it )

The other thought has crossed my is you love the attention.... and update your threads accordingly to get that attention fix from the people who want to help you. Much like millions of people who are addicted to "likes" on social media, you love to see the replies you get from the people who try to help you..

Why would i put this...??

Because frankly, your posts are off the rational scale. Like really out there.I think most people here see that, but just want to help. I dont recall any other female post posting the kind of stuff you do, and all your updates just have that "shock" / "drama" factor.. As in, i dont think i've ever known anybody have the drama you have in there life. Its way out there, not normal and very unhealthy IMO.. Which makes me wonder if this "drama" is real or just your way of getting 15 people peoples attention who try to help you..

The red flag for me was the abuse form the ex hubby - which you mentioned like over 12 months after wanting him back. I find that out there strange, regardless of how you try and justify it.

Other things like the inimate details of going to the pilots house naked.. You really didnt need to go into that much detail on a public forum. We all know what consenting adults get up to.. But you topped it off with the details.. basically a good "shock" factor...Rational people read stuff like this and think WTF ! - seriously !

To put into context..
I want hubby back.. , I dont want IC, I'll start dating.. I'm dating but want hubby back, BTW, although i want hubby back FYI hubby abused me , I'm broken, ex hubby abused me and son, i dont want a divorce, i'm dating, I don't want IC, I'm broken, I want hubby back, i'll stop dating, i dont want IC, i'm dating, I want hubby back, i'm dating, I'm still broken, i'm dating, i'm trying to delay Divorce, i'm dating.

All your updates "scream" attention.. i do wonder if you are actually looking for help - or just the attention fix, as loads of people have tried to help you, yet you ignore that advice and go on to post even more "out there" updates.

If this genuinly is you life you have my sympathies.. But you do yourself no favours... only you can change it.. But its a crazy crazy life you have created.


Previous username - Helpme123.. A name chosen at a desperate time..

Now Mr Brightside.. coming out of my cage, and doing just fine.
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And that my friends was Mr. Brightside coming out of his cage and doing fine.

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Mr. Brightside has posted exactly what I've been thinking for quite some time. I have noticed that she does not always respond to those who post to her and I often wonder if it's because she doesn't want to read and take in what posters have said or is she just seeking the attention of others because the thrill of attention gives her that "boost" she needs to carry on.

KitKat, if you are truly interested in healing, listen to what the posters have been advising you to do for 28 threads and do the hard work. Once you have faced your own demons and worked on those things that you know you need to repair within yourself, then move forward and begin dating. Right now, I think you are using dating as a band-aid to soothe your hurt soul. Unfortunately, this will only work for a period of time and like addicts, you will need to continue seeking that next emotional fix. Step back, work on yourself and when you are more content w/the person you have become, then date.

If you truly wanted your H back, you wouldn't be out there dating...of course, unless you are using dating as a way to try to wake him up and have him running back to you. It's not going to work because he may very well know what you are doing. In fact, your dating is giving him the sign that you are okay w/what he's doing. Don't give him a pass on what he is doing. Don't stoop to his level. Heal thyself and when the divorce is over and done with, then you will be truly ready to begin a new relationship and will find a man who is truly worthy of you.

Try to remember that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. The results will not change until you make the changes within.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Originally Posted by job
Right now, I think you are using dating as a band-aid to soothe your hurt soul. Unfortunately, this will only work for a period of time and like addicts, you will need to continue seeking that next emotional fix. Step back, work on yourself and when you are more content w/the person you have become, then date.



I think this is proven in her latest post. KC, you seem to get your self-worth from the male attention. "Men keep sending flowers to my office!" "One guy has sent me flowers to the office 2 times!" Etc.

To be honest, my first thought was "WHY do these men know where your office is after 2-3 dates??" I don't know, and I admit I am not a very trusting individual, but that seems awfully early in meeting people from the internet for them to know where you spend your days, and if they know where live, where you spend your nights. And to job's point if your goal is for STBXH bringing puppy in for an appointment (since you continue to refuse the advice for him to find another vet!) and seeing all of the flowers OM are sending you, then after all this time and all these threads you still do not get DBing. At all.

I also wonder what your son thinks of this parade of guys you have marching in and out of your life? I know if my mom and dad D'd and my mom was internet dating strangers from the internet at the rate that you are, I would be extremely concerned for her well-being and safety! Your son has been through so much, worrying about his mom and meeting so many men he cannot trust (why would he with his dad and your STBXH's behavior?) is just another trauma he is having to face.

And if you come back and say that he doesn't know, that bothers me even more! That these men know so much about you in such a short amount of time, and the people closest to you aren't aware, that is SCARY.

Anyway, just some observations. It is your life, but I am just afraid you are going to look back one day with some major regrets.


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Originally Posted by Steve85


To be honest, my first thought was "WHY do these men know where your office is after 2-3 dates??" I don't know, and I admit I am not a very trusting individual, but that seems awfully early in meeting people from the internet for them to know where you spend your days, and if they know where live, where you spend your nights. And to job's point if your goal is for STBXH bringing puppy in for an appointment (since you continue to refuse the advice for him to find another vet!) and seeing all of the flowers OM are sending you, then after all this time and all these threads you still do not get DBing. At all.



My name in INCREDIBLY unique... even if you just had my first name and knew my profession you can find me in 60sec on a google search. You have my first and last name which is also incredibly unique... you'll find me in 10sec.

It [censored]... thanks mom!!

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I have read each and every response.

I did read WF post.

I don't make crap up... don't need too...

Sorry that my emotions are great one day and not the next. I'm an extreme introvert with a side of impulsiveness.

I don't know what I want some days. I know the the horrible things that happened in my M as I lived them. S19 hates him for what he did... but frankly, I'm not seeing that guy when we do interact. So it gets confusing.

I'm allowed to grow and change but he is not??? He completely stopped online gaming. That took up a huge chunk of what time he did have at the house. Are his changes getting my attention??? Do I get confused reconciling who he was with this current person??? I do. I'm human. Curiosity is normal.

I thought I was ready to move on date and have a great life. Its been a LONG time since I've dated and things are just a bit crazy out here.

I realize I can run from one extreme to the other - that's just my mind and my thought process.

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Hi KitCat, sending hugs and good vibes your way! It sounds like your plans for Valentine's Day fell through. That has to be a bummer. smirk I hope you treat yourself to a nice dinner and a movie.

I would love to see your response to wayfarer when you have time.

Most days, I try to mix the fun, and the tough questions!

Originally Posted by Steve85
To be honest, my first thought was "WHY do these men know where your office is after 2-3 dates??"

Originally Posted by KitCat
My name in INCREDIBLY unique... even if you just had my first name and knew my profession you can find me in 60sec on a google search.

A logistical dilemma! What about a nickname? E.g., "Genevive" can become "Jenny". I sometimes obscure my first name similarly. People I met online and dated a couple of times don't typically know my last name, workplace, job title, or home address. That's needed when we go places more private or get more intimate. Do they need to know you are a veterinarian, or "I help animals. I work in a veterinarian's office" is enough at the beginning to give them an impression of what you do and are passionate about? It might also help screen out people who are interested more in your income than your kindness and compassion.

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Originally Posted by CWarrior
Hi KitCat, sending hugs and good vibes your way! It sounds like your plans for Valentine's Day fell through. That has to be a bummer. smirk I hope you treat yourself to a nice dinner and a movie.

I would love to see your response to wayfarer when you have time.

Most days, I try to mix the fun, and the tough questions!

Originally Posted by Steve85
To be honest, my first thought was "WHY do these men know where your office is after 2-3 dates??"

Originally Posted by KitCat
My name in INCREDIBLY unique... even if you just had my first name and knew my profession you can find me in 60sec on a google search.

A logistical dilemma! What about a nickname? E.g., "Genevive" can become "Jenny". I sometimes obscure my first name similarly. People I met online and dated a couple of times don't typically know my last name, workplace, job title, or home address. That's needed when we go places more private or get more intimate. Do they need to know you are a veterinarian, or "I help animals. I work in a veterinarian's office" is enough at the beginning to give them an impression of what you do and are passionate about? It might also help screen out people who are interested more in your income than your kindness and compassion.


Thanks - I have shortened my name... but there are 9 people in my town that do what I do.... Additionally when out on a date and you say "you work with animals"... they continue to ask questions... so then I'm rude and dismissive because I'm being evasive about what I do.

Been there... done that...

I know 100% certainty that neither of these men knew my last name. I don't disclose it. You can pull up every vet clinic in town (cause there is 5 of them) and in 15min find me. Got to love the WWW.

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No comment on the effect internet dating might have on your son?


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Originally Posted by Steve85
No comment on the effect internet dating might have on your son?


My son is away at college.

But, I am aware of his opinion. He does not want STBXH in my life or his. And, that he is completely fine with me dating and finding someone new.

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I worry that responding to KC's posts are reinforcing her unhealthy behaviors. I know we are all here to help but am concerned that we're actually doing more harm than not.

KC, I wish you well and hope you're able to break yourself out of these unhealthy cycles and heal.


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Originally Posted by KitCat
Originally Posted by Steve85
No comment on the effect internet dating might have on your son?


My son is away at college.

But, I am aware of his opinion. He does not want STBXH in my life or his. And, that he is completely fine with me dating and finding someone new.


KK,

The only new person you need in your life is a counsellor!!!


Previous username - Helpme123.. A name chosen at a desperate time..

Now Mr Brightside.. coming out of my cage, and doing just fine.
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Originally Posted by KitCat
Originally Posted by Steve85
No comment on the effect internet dating might have on your son?


My son is away at college.

But, I am aware of his opinion. He does not want STBXH in my life or his. And, that he is completely fine with me dating and finding someone new.


Yeah, ok. Again, it is your life, your decision, but I worry about the impact on him and the message it sends that you HAVE to HAVE a man (woman for him) in your life in order to be happy. And that being a fulfilled individual first is not important.


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Please correct me if I am wrong, but is this the son that graduated sometime ago who you threw a party for that you and your son were hurt and disappointed that your STBXH didn’t come even though he promised? Weren’t you leaving hints in his mail because you didn’t want your son to be disappointed? Maybe I’m misremembering, but didn’t your STBXH help your son with so much growing up? Why does he hate him now?

Also, I thought you had to go get your son from college because he made some seriously bad decision that was potentially life altering? I could be misremembering that too.

What I really don’t understand is you refuse to go to a therapist because of a bad experience but your spouse was abusive and you won’t let go.

I’m also confused how you see CWarriors ex stepped over a line by going into his backyard without his permission to get her stuff (she absolutely crossed a boundary) but you thinks it’s perfectly ok to show up to someone’s house you really don’t know even a little bit.. naked.

You’ve been posting for a year give or take and have made really no progress. Heck you could make an argument you’re worse off. It really has turned into what’s going to happen next, stay tuned.

You really do need therapy. You’ll say you’re making progress at your own pace and you’re doing this or that or will ignore, but you really aren’t. Good luck KC. I do wonder how much longer you’ll post if you post at all. You didn’t just get a 2x4, you got a rail road tie, but it was spot on. You do have so so many inconsistencies in your thread.


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Originally Posted by Steve85
Originally Posted by KitCat
Originally Posted by Steve85
No comment on the effect internet dating might have on your son?


My son is away at college.

But, I am aware of his opinion. He does not want STBXH in my life or his. And, that he is completely fine with me dating and finding someone new.


Yeah, ok. Again, it is your life, your decision, but I worry about the impact on him and the message it sends that you HAVE to HAVE a man (woman for him) in your life in order to be happy. And that being a fulfilled individual first is not important.


I don't have to have a man.

Not sure where you got that from... I get it... I'm moving on and dating but I don't have to have a man.

I raised my son from birth to 8yr old as a single woman. I traveled this country extensively as a single woman and ALONE. I'm comfortable in my own skin to go to dinner in a resturant alone. I'll go to events alone... I'll go to movies alone.

I don't have an issue being alone.

I'd like to be more social so I hit the dating apps. Tons of guys wanting to be friends and to hang out and be a support system for me... I just got caught up in one that took more of my heart than I planned.

Yes, I get that I'm still processing things from my M and my STBXH.

Every day is a step to what I want my life to me.

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Originally Posted by JosephS
Please correct me if I am wrong, but is this the son that graduated sometime ago who you threw a party for that you and your son were hurt and disappointed that your STBXH didn’t come even though he promised? Weren’t you leaving hints in his mail because you didn’t want your son to be disappointed? Maybe I’m misremembering, but didn’t your STBXH help your son with so much growing up? Why does he hate him now?


There was abuse in house. He also disappointed S19 again by not coming to his Graduation and not following through with taking him to dinner or even ever calling him again.

Quote

Also, I thought you had to go get your son from college because he made some seriously bad decision that was potentially life altering? I could be misremembering that too.


You are thinking about my SS21

Quote

What I really don’t understand is you refuse to go to a therapist because of a bad experience but your spouse was abusive and you won’t let go.


I don't expect anyone too. I've never shared that



Quote

I’m also confused how you see CWarriors ex stepped over a line by going into his backyard without his permission to get her stuff (she absolutely crossed a boundary) but you thinks it’s perfectly ok to show up to someone’s house you really don’t know even a little bit.. naked.


I was INVITED. He asked me to come over and he said to be naughty.

Big difference there.


Quote

You’ve been posting for a year give or take and have made really no progress. Heck you could make an argument you’re worse off. It really has turned into what’s going to happen next, stay tuned.

You really do need therapy. You’ll say you’re making progress at your own pace and you’re doing this or that or will ignore, but you really aren’t. Good luck KC. I do wonder how much longer you’ll post if you post at all. You didn’t just get a 2x4, you got a rail road tie, but it was spot on. You do have so so many inconsistencies in your thread.



My timeline for healing is my own.

I accept my faults and I forgive myself. I see huge changes on myself as do my closest friends and support group. I know where I still struggle.

I will say there is a great deal of judgement around this board.

Because I'm choosing to date that equates I must feel I need a man... wth. I've never ever needed a man. I'm the most independent person. It drove my STBXH nuts that I did not need him. Wanted him yes but never needed him.

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I never said you needed a man. IMO you need therapy.

I’m sorry you feel judged. Maybe I’m misinformed or under the wrong impression what this board is about. I was under the impression it was about saving yourself and becoming the best version of you and the effect of that would be saving your marriage. I’m glad your closest friends have seen the major changes, but are they seeing what’s real or what you want them to see? Because the impression you leave here is you just keep doing the same thing over and over again hoping for a different result.

One moment you’re on a dating site looking for a friend, than a booty call, than you fall for a man. Yet you stay on the dating apps even though you ran through the gambit.

Again I could be wrong, I don’t know you at all and only through this forum. But the impression you leave me on here is you have very little self respect and only get your self worth through attention of others. Thus why you ignore the good advise here, brag about how good you look, how many men are paying attention to you, all while still wanting your ex back.

I’m gonna go a head and wish you nothing but the best, but bow out gracefully at this time. I think the others are right when they say you come on here when you need attention. You don’t seem willing to do what it takes to fix yourself.

Seriously good luck, I hope you get therapy and don’t just jump into another relationship hoping to mask the issues you have. I will be rooting for you and wish you nothing but the best, but I don’t think it’s worth commenting anymore.


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Originally Posted by KitCat
Originally Posted by Steve85
Originally Posted by KitCat
Originally Posted by Steve85
No comment on the effect internet dating might have on your son?


My son is away at college.

But, I am aware of his opinion. He does not want STBXH in my life or his. And, that he is completely fine with me dating and finding someone new.


Yeah, ok. Again, it is your life, your decision, but I worry about the impact on him and the message it sends that you HAVE to HAVE a man (woman for him) in your life in order to be happy. And that being a fulfilled individual first is not important.


I don't have to have a man.

Not sure where you got that from... I get it... I'm moving on and dating but I don't have to have a man.

I raised my son from birth to 8yr old as a single woman. I traveled this country extensively as a single woman and ALONE. I'm comfortable in my own skin to go to dinner in a resturant alone. I'll go to events alone... I'll go to movies alone.

I don't have an issue being alone.

I'd like to be more social so I hit the dating apps. Tons of guys wanting to be friends and to hang out and be a support system for me... I just got caught up in one that took more of my heart than I planned.

Yes, I get that I'm still processing things from my M and my STBXH.

Every day is a step to what I want my life to me.


Apparently I struck a nerve. And you misunderstood. Didn't say you needed a man, I said the dating while still married sends that message. Whether it's true or not, it appears that you do. Just my opinion. And apparently my opinions are no longer welcome here so I'll just say good luck, and bow out of your thread. I truly wish for nothing but the best for you and hope you find whatever makes you happy.


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I come to the board to be honest about my emotions, my frustrations which we all know can change not only from day to day but hour by hour.

The rollercoaster is real and I won't hide that I'm on it.

I write down every day 3 things I'm grateful for.

Its just always pointed out where I'm wrong for this or wrong for that. I'm not living a perfect life. I have moments where I'm sure I've failed myself more than I should but I also have days where I've done pretty freaking well.

None of us that come here have the ability to flip a switch and just be like... OK I get it... done over it... peace out.

Its a journey... its a process... Its ups and downs and it needs to be real.

I read what everyone writes. I write out things that I need to focus on. 90% of my day is good but sometimes that 10% of frustration creeps in and I put it out here and suddenly I'm being told that I put out the aire of that I need a man. WHAT?? I get it... that you all are only seeing the 10% I put out here.

I respect your opinions very much and I'm not hostile to anyone. I've admitted dating may not be the best way moving forward. Its all a learning curve for me and my journey through this isn't going to look like yours because my past experiences are unique to me. I'm not saying I'm right but I'm not out there telling people they so duper awful and wrong.

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Originally Posted by KitCat
I'm not out there telling people they so duper awful and wrong.

I have definitely not told you you're duper awful, or super-duper awful, or even just plain awful. I believe there is a compassionate and nurturing side to you and that you could be a great partner to someone.

Originally Posted by KitCat
I've admitted dating may not be the best way moving forward.

Simple then--STOP--if you believe it's not the best way forward. Post here if you need support to stop. Acknowledgment, if that's what the above was, is the first step. If you believe dating may be your best way forward, own that. Some reasons your dating gives me pause--you had an abusive ex and haven't done the work to fix your picker making it more likely you'll end up in another abusive relationship, pilot had anger issues and you ignored each time I noted that (just as I had a blind spot for my ex trespassing into my backyard), you're sharing personal details with people you hardly know out of fear of rejection, you began before you were over your ex, you transferred your angst about your ex to angst about pilot, you struggle to enjoy being alone, you're not facing what you're doing ("it's just for friends"--WAIT NO! It's more), and the amount you focus on dating. All quick impressions, of course, and some may be patently wrong.

I hope I have imbued this post with more of a "caring/concerned" vibe than an "awful/wrong" vibe. If not, know that was the intent and I've appreciated your comments to me and am sending ((hugs))!

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Kit,

Most of us on this website are IMO, empaths, not judges. We truly like helping people become the best versions of themselves so they can go on to lead happy lives either in a repaired relationship or in a new HEALTHY relationship.

I've seen so many people take time out of their day to post well thought out, meaningful, and thought provoking messages to you. A majority of those, you simply didn't even acknowledge unless the narrative aligned with what you wanted (ie dating).

If this website is about repairing broken marriages (let me rephrase, repairing non-abusive broken marriages) or bettering ourselves so that we can have a healthy relationship in the future, what is it you are hoping for when you ignore all advice given only to continue to date when IMO and the opinions of everyone here, you have no business doing at this time? We don't say that to be jerks or judge you. We say that because you are setting yourself up for more BD's.

All the advice here has been consistent, but you continue to ignore it. Why not have a little faith that we know what we are talking about and invest in yourself?

It's frustrating for me because I would love nothing more than to watch you heal, rise from the ashes, and then begin to date in a healthy way. You will say "yeah, I get it. I'm broken etc" but then do just the opposite of what you should be doing, which makes me feel like the time I spend on your thread is just a waste of time and not even response worthy.

I'll ask you again... what is it you are hoping we can help you with? Because no one here can give you advice on how to date while broken, or fix things with Pilot. You will continue to spiral over and over and over and over and over again until YOU do something different. Help us help you!

"Only a fool learns from his own mistakes. The wise man learns from the mistakes of others" -Otto Von Bismarck

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One more thing, Kit.

If you truly don't need a man, prove it. Be single for one year with no romantic interests in your life.

Your response will be very telling.

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Sending more ((hugs)). Hope you are doing well and considering what's been written.

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I don't really write much on my good days... I'm too busy having a good day. I've struggled with insomnia again for the last 2 days.

STBXH texted last week after 7 days of NC asking if I have heard anything from the atty.

I did NOT respond.

The next day STBXH sent a text - hey, CVS said your script is ready. ((He hates that he gets the text notifications and there is NO WAY to change it... have tried for YEARS. In the past he would get angry about CVS texting him and spout off that needs to be fixed... well it can't be apparently. So at least his text did not sound angry.))

I did NOT respond. I don't know if that was the right thing to do??? I mean I know I have a script ready its just unfortunate that he knows it too.

We had 14" of snow last week so I was busy working and shoveling. That was a lot of work for one person!! I was exhausted.

I'm now being cyber stalked by the guy who sent flowers 2 days before Vday and then ended the relationship because I was not looking to be exclusive after 3 dates. He was super nice and just raving about me at the same time as dumping me and I was like peace out... I'm cool.. I'm good. I moved on. He has been stalking me via the dating app by deleting his account and getting a new account twice now in the last 10 days. I'm not interested. He comes across as very anxious.

I've slowed down my dating A LOT. I have a terrible need to reply to people who write to me. I just feel its polite and gracious behavior. Its hard to put yourself out there and take a risk and I just want to show kindness to everyone. Even guys I know I would not have anything in common with and would not date. That being said I have not logged in in 5 days now and I've just been letting messages pile up and don't have any interest in dealing with it.

I did have a date last week and they guy was actually wearing his wedding ring.... ((FACEPALM)). I get I'm legally separated and he had stated he was living on his own legally separated as well - I thought that would be a safe place. We'd have something to talk about. I was not expecting him to still be wearing his ring. I called him out on it but at the same time told him he should not take off his ring until he is ready but that online dating will go better if he is not wearing it. I said we all have to start somewhere. He was nice a guy. We did have lots to talk about and we shared a couple of drinks. It was not a wasted evening... it was part of the journey... his and mine.

I've gotten lax and so my goal this week is to get back on top of things
1) return to daily meditation
2) return to exercise 5 times weekly

I think I can manage both of those this week.

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KK,

I find it odd that the script text can’t be changed. I also find it odd you are being stalked by a guy who dumped you. These strange things only seem to happen to you.

So do you want to respond? If so then go for it. You will get to a point where these texts actually annoy you and that’s the only thought you will have. This is fuching annoying.

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Originally Posted by LH19
KK,

I find it odd that the script text can’t be changed. I also find it odd you are being stalked by a guy who dumped you. These strange things only seem to happen to you.


RIGHT??? He exhibited some strange behavior after we had dated twice by texting me something about how he thought he had upset me and offended me and was apologizing... I had just been busy at work and hadn't responded to his text right away... CLUE ONE. I also think he "dumped" me as a way to make me "beg" to be back with him? It was a weird way to be dumped for sure. I mean normally when someone dumps you they are telling you all the things wrong with you or the relationship. He was going on about how great I was and how I made him feel so comfortable and how he wished things could be different but it is what it is... I was like "ok, I hear you"... "no need to apologize how you feel"

But he keeps deleting his account and getting a new account and then clicking on me to "match" with me. I then deleted him because I'm just not that interested. So this weekend he deleted that account and created another new one, posting pictures relevant to me and then deliberately clicking on my profile to "match" with me again. I mean he is chosing to make himself show up in my list.... its sooooo weird.


Quote

So do you want to respond? If so then go for it. You will get to a point where these texts actually annoy you and that’s the only thought you will have. This is fuching annoying.


Its hard because the "nice" person in me wants to say "okay, thanks...". But, I'm so tired of being friend zoned. And, I get it I friend zoned myself.

So I'm not the best judge of the best way forward.

And for the texting--- its crazy stupid. My mom has the same problem. Its because STBXH is the provider. CVS has my number in the system but its some corporate/app issue??? I mean I even have the app and can reorder my meds from my phone but they still text him when scripts are ready.

Once he no longer provides my health care won't be a problem.

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Why not change your profile in the dating app if you are being stalking by the guy? Better yet, delete your profile entirely and wait a month or so and then provide a new one if you really need to be on that particular app. If this guy is stalking you, it will only get worse if you are not feeding his ego. Can you report him to the company? There are a number of dating apps out there that you can look into and just leave this "stalker" in the dust. If you do go to another site, be sure to change your user name to something different.

BTW, this is one of the reasons that we keep things as anonymous as possible on here, i.e., real names, locations, email addresses, etc. We've had some some stalkers that have been a nuisance to our posters in the past. They start out being friendly and concerned and then the next thing we know, they are being a pain in the arse to our posters.



Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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You can fix the CVS thing. And if you can't as the the one with the health insurance stbxh can. It's pretty simple. You can do it on the app or the website. Or if you're more analog you can go into the store, and tell them to change your notifications right at the pharmacy. It's up to you guys to change the notifications. If they say they can't change it because your CVS card thing is hooked up for the both of you you ask for the whole things to be removed and get a new CVS card thing with just you and your information on it. I had to go through this with every single rewards card when I split with ExH. Certain stores have certain capabilities technology-wise and some can only start you over from scratch, but CVS recently revamped their discount system as did Walgreens so everything should be simple enough to remove right from your phone. And I'm the one who provides insurance in my household and I'm not forced into getting the notifications. Technically it could fall into a HIPAA violation should he go pick your prescription up. My stepdaughter's mother uses CVS and only CVS for my stepdaughter's prescriptions. I have never once gotten a notification. If this is something specific to your CVS I'd suggest calling corporate. And as a last resort you could move your prescriptions to a different pharmacy. With a divorce pending you might want to contact your HR department and see if there is a pharmacy that is preferred with their insurance plan. Maybe you'll have to pay out and extra $10-20 a month until the D is finalized, but then stbxh doesn't get notices and he doesn't have to text you unnecessarily.

As far as the guy goes. If he's stalking you get an injunction. Problem over. If you are feeding us hyperbole on how things are going with that man because he's pursuing you and you're not feeling it, stop, and then have a calm, to the point conversation with the man. If he doesn't take the hint have one more calm conversation that let's him know if doesn't back off that you will be seeking an injunction.

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Originally Posted by wayfarer
You can fix the CVS thing. And if you can't as the the one with the health insurance stbxh can. It's pretty simple. You can do it on the app or the website. Or if you're more analog you can go into the store, and tell them to change your notifications right at the pharmacy. It's up to you guys to change the notifications. If they say they can't change it because your CVS card thing is hooked up for the both of you you ask for the whole things to be removed and get a new CVS card thing with just you and your information on it. I had to go through this with every single rewards card when I split with ExH. Certain stores have certain capabilities technology-wise and some can only start you over from scratch, but CVS recently revamped their discount system as did Walgreens so everything should be simple enough to remove right from your phone. And I'm the one who provides insurance in my household and I'm not forced into getting the notifications. Technically it could fall into a HIPAA violation should he go pick your prescription up. My stepdaughter's mother uses CVS and only CVS for my stepdaughter's prescriptions. I have never once gotten a notification. If this is something specific to your CVS I'd suggest calling corporate. And as a last resort you could move your prescriptions to a different pharmacy. With a divorce pending you might want to contact your HR department and see if there is a pharmacy that is preferred with their insurance plan. Maybe you'll have to pay out and extra $10-20 a month until the D is finalized, but then stbxh doesn't get notices and he doesn't have to text you unnecessarily.


There is no rewards card. I've been at the pharmacy multiple times and checked that they do have my number as the only one on file. We have completely separate CVS accounts and different pharmacies. This is not my first rodeo with this - even when our M was good it annoyed him to no end.

He would never pick up my script.

Its just a pain. And, how much time to do I want to sit on hold with corporate for something that will resolve when the D is final and I am no longer on his health plan.

STBXH is just being polite in informing me AND he is not being nasty about getting the text. Its just hard for me to have any contact with him right now - and that's my own fault. I accept that.

Quote

As far as the guy goes. If he's stalking you get an injunction. Problem over. If you are feeding us hyperbole on how things are going with that man because he's pursuing you and you're not feeling it, stop, and then have a calm, to the point conversation with the man. If he doesn't take the hint have one more calm conversation that let's him know if doesn't back off that you will be seeking an injunction.


I'm only being cyber stalked. He is not calling my office or showing up or doing crazy crap. I think he is just regretting dumping me and I'm fine with it. I have blocked him again. So if he gets another new account I will pursue more aggressively. My preference would be not to contact him at all, HOWEVER I would contact once politely before pursuing anything more aggressive. I am extremely grateful he does not know where I live.

Thanks for your advice.

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I am a total jerk.

I have knowingly been completely disrespectful.

I have terrible impulse control sometimes (other times its a complete non-issue... I realized that I let others influence my bad choices because they would agree or allow my bad choices... and that too is on me 100%.)

I don't really like myself at this moment.

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Hi KitCat,

Aww, facing mistakes is hard, but I have a hard time imagining you were intentionally a "total jerk" as opposed to doing what felt good in the moment without considering the long-term impact. What's going on?

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Originally Posted by KitCat
I am a total jerk.

I have knowingly been completely disrespectful.

I have terrible impulse control sometimes (other times its a complete non-issue... I realized that I let others influence my bad choices because they would agree or allow my bad choices... and that too is on me 100%.)

I don't really like myself at this moment.


No one is perfect. You should see me behind the wheel! I turn into AJ Foyt in the Indy 500.

I am sure it isn't as bad as you think. But even if it is, starting right now you can resolved to do better.


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Originally Posted by SteveLW
Originally Posted by KitCat
I am a total jerk.

I have knowingly been completely disrespectful.

I have terrible impulse control sometimes (other times its a complete non-issue... I realized that I let others influence my bad choices because they would agree or allow my bad choices... and that too is on me 100%.)

I don't really like myself at this moment.


No one is perfect. You should see me behind the wheel! I turn into AJ Foyt in the Indy 500.

I am sure it isn't as bad as you think. But even if it is, starting right now you can resolved to do better.


Thanks....

No it wasn't bad in of and itself but its just one more incident that I've not been respectful. AND, that gets old and just pushes people further away. Ultimately I'm just disrespecting myself.

This is gonna be a rough night.

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Originally Posted by CWarrior
Hi KitCat,

Aww, facing mistakes is hard, but I have a hard time imagining you were intentionally a "total jerk" as opposed to doing what felt good in the moment without considering the long-term impact. What's going on?


I have not been respecting someone's personal space.

I was trying to be cute and funny and light hearted... I realize that I was just seeking attention and to be liked and accepted. I was not accepting that no response was a response.

I've been a jerk.

There is no apology because that would just be invading space again... the only apology is not doing what I've been doing. I realize that I have been nothing but disrespectful... and that makes me sad because that was NEVER my intent. I have to live with my actions. I accept responsibility for my choices.

I've most definitely been a jerk.

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So, Pilot again?


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Originally Posted by SteveLW
So, Pilot again?


It doesn't really matter does it?

Bottom line I was a jerk. And, no I was not rude or mean or said anything unbecoming. But, even if you are nice and have the best intentions you can still be disrespecting someone's space. I accept that I acted in a manor unbecoming of who I am.

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It one way it doesn't matter, in that you're right, forcing yourself on anyone is suboptimal.

But the anxious attachment disorder/obsession with one person DOES matter. And you know why so I won't say it.

Hang in there KC, you are a good person, you just need some help to get you past your demons.


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Originally Posted by KitCat
Originally Posted by SteveLW
So, Pilot again?


It doesn't really matter does it? .

So that’s probably a “Yes”. And it totally does matter in the bigger picture - that being your very unhealthy obsession with this man and unwillingness to take meaningful steps to correct it. You acknowledge it but refuse to take meaningful steps to try to fix it. Acknowledging and “trying” without a credible plan will often provide the same results as not trying at all. That’s why it matters. That’s what you need to work on. “Disrespecting someone’s space” is a symptom of a bigger problem. It matters.


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The bigger problem is that I have been disrespecting myself....

I'm not behaving in a manner that is attractive, and that breaks my own heart.

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Well the beauty is that is the one person you can control.

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Originally Posted by LH19
Well the beauty is that is the one person you can control.


Truth!

And, I'm working on that.

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KC,

I have only loosely followed your thread. I do recall a conversation where posters (and perhaps you?) speculated if you had some personality disordered tendencies. I was really impressed at the way you handled yourself and received those comments. You were not overly defensive, like many would be. It is all too often that we throw out these terms here -- narcissist, borderline, histrionic, etc -- and I have probably been guilty of that too. The thing is, none of us here are psychiatrists AND sitting in an office with a more objective assessment, so it's easy to throw those terms around but we could be very wrong. I am not even sure how much those labels matter. What I do know about these disorders is that they are incredibly hard to treat. I think the reason for that is because a large part of the pathological thinking includes a lack of insight to the self.

All of that said, and where I am going here, is that I do not view you that way. You seem to have good insight into yourself and your behavior! You are fully able to admit what you are doing and how it's a mistake. And you do have the power to change that. I am sure it's not easy, but you can. You don't have to beat yourself up for it and wallow in regret. You can accept it and then set it free. You can recondition your thought patterns and behaviors. I do agree with others tho that it might require some professional help. I have never been the person that thinks that therapy is the solution to all problems. I think there is a wide spectrum of how skilled counselors are and also what sort of things they really can help with.

Now that you are starting to identify what your patterns of thinking/behaviors are, why not search for someone that is highly skilled in this area? It really could be life changing for you and your future relationships. Maybe? Maybe not? But I doubt it could hurt you. You deserve to be your best self, we all do.

Blu


“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
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