I have only loosely followed your thread. I do recall a conversation where posters (and perhaps you?) speculated if you had some personality disordered tendencies. I was really impressed at the way you handled yourself and received those comments. You were not overly defensive, like many would be. It is all too often that we throw out these terms here -- narcissist, borderline, histrionic, etc -- and I have probably been guilty of that too. The thing is, none of us here are psychiatrists AND sitting in an office with a more objective assessment, so it's easy to throw those terms around but we could be very wrong. I am not even sure how much those labels matter. What I do know about these disorders is that they are incredibly hard to treat. I think the reason for that is because a large part of the pathological thinking includes a lack of insight to the self.
All of that said, and where I am going here, is that I do not view you that way. You seem to have good insight into yourself and your behavior! You are fully able to admit what you are doing and how it's a mistake. And you do have the power to change that. I am sure it's not easy, but you can. You don't have to beat yourself up for it and wallow in regret. You can accept it and then set it free. You can recondition your thought patterns and behaviors. I do agree with others tho that it might require some professional help. I have never been the person that thinks that therapy is the solution to all problems. I think there is a wide spectrum of how skilled counselors are and also what sort of things they really can help with.
Now that you are starting to identify what your patterns of thinking/behaviors are, why not search for someone that is highly skilled in this area? It really could be life changing for you and your future relationships. Maybe? Maybe not? But I doubt it could hurt you. You deserve to be your best self, we all do.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
