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https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2912128&page=11

No Steve85.... tech no longer a puppy.. a year and 4months... but still a puppy to me!

He is so awesome!!!! Love him to pieces. Sadly lost his battle with his tail but everyone's life will get better now. He is completely healed and adjusting well.

Puppy stayed at my office 4 days. It was hard to let him go but when my STBXH came to pick him up the pup's eyes lit up soooooo much. He loves my STBXH... seeing that happy dance just reaffirmed I made the right decision in letting him take the dog. I told the puppy when he was 7mo old and leaving my home to go live with STBXH that he had an important job to do --- to heal STBXH's heart.

Well anyway... now I'm all teary eyed missing the pup again! smile

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Originally Posted by CWarrior
Originally Posted by KitCat
I'm just honestly having a hard time getting over pilot.

It's understandable. The first new person you're intimate with in 10+ years has an impact on most people. Besides that, your STBXH clearly left a void, and pilot filled it, probably better than STBXH in some ways.

Originally Posted by KitCat
don't want to be judged... I get it on a deeper level but it still just guts me.

Setting aside whether it was wise, it was brave putting your heart out there, showing up naked on his doorstep. We know KitCat is loyal, generous, and compassionate. Commendable traits.


Thanks for understanding.... I allowed myself to be vulnerable with him. Maybe not as quickly or in the way pilot wanted but I was getting there... lowering my wall. In a way that I have not done with anyone in 12yr.

I'm starting to see that he was not appreciative of the efforts I did make.

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Hey Kit,

Did you really like pilot that much after 6 dates? Or is there some underlying reason that needs your attention as to why you so quickly became attached?

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Originally Posted by KitCat


Well its good to know that I'm not even PLAN B. He shares the pics because he thinks we are just friends then. Which wouldn't bother me except that he lives with OW and is taking OW to Hawaii. So its like... really??? Do you tell her that you send me pictures of what you are working on?

And, frankly he has a lot of work do to on himself before there could ever be any recon... I could not return to his past behaviors... EVER.




KK, in the past month you have opened up about this historic abuse... then you mention the word recon..

I have nothing to do with my ex - I block her on everything except email. We ONLY communicate by email.

My ex didnt abuse me the way you say your husband did - yet you allow picture exchanges ? WTF ?

This is where you will say its all about the puppy ?

IMO, the above shows you are still hung up on the ex..

It is also a perfect example of why you should not be dating !

If you wanted to move on, you would - you would take that step... you chose not to... Kind of like Curtis and his WWs horse situation.. a reason to keep contact.


Previous username - Helpme123.. A name chosen at a desperate time..

Now Mr Brightside.. coming out of my cage, and doing just fine.
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Originally Posted by Thornton
Hey Kit,

Did you really like pilot that much after 6 dates? Or is there some underlying reason that needs your attention as to why you so quickly became attached?


I've certainly tried journalling and to figure that out.

You want my frank honesty??? I wish I had dated a bunch of other guys THEN this guy. I think I would have had my crap together better by then. Instead I met him first... then dated a bunch of other guys.

If someone takes the time to message me on a dating site - the politeness in me I always respond. Its not easy to put yourself out there and I get that. I've had 2 guys really pursue me for a date and I relented despite I wasn't sure they were a good match for me.

Guy 1 showed up in a t-shirt, ball cap and hoddie over the ball cap to a nice resturant. Did not remove the hoodie or the ball cap until half way through dinner... YIKES. The other guy again took me to a very nice resturant and kept his ballcap on the entire time... I've tried to allot for nervousness but I spent years being taught you take your hats off inside and raised my kids that way.

I've gone out with guys who did not walk me to my car - in a dark parking lot.

Sadly pilot did all the right things - always kind, polite, walked me to my car even when I was leaving his house he still walked me out to my car. No, he was not perfect - he clearly cut me loose LOL. But, I took this for granted since I was just get out dating again. This is how my STBXH was when we dated... I just assumed all guys were like this... NOPE. I wish I had taken the time to say "I appreciated you did X... "

Live and learn I guess.

There are hundreds of profiles on a dating site.... This guy set the bar pretty high. But, if he had felt the same about me he would not have moved on.

Adventures in dating.... not so much fun.

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Originally Posted by MrBrside


KK, in the past month you have opened up about this historic abuse... then you mention the word recon..

I have nothing to do with my ex - I block her on everything except email. We ONLY communicate by email.

My ex didnt abuse me the way you say your husband did - yet you allow picture exchanges ? WTF ?

This is where you will say its all about the puppy ?

IMO, the above shows you are still hung up on the ex..

It is also a perfect example of why you should not be dating !

If you wanted to move on, you would - you would take that step... you chose not to... Kind of like Curtis and his WWs horse situation.. a reason to keep contact.


I raised this puppy for the first 7mo of his life. I did the hard work as that puppy was a turd to housebreak... STBXH got to walk off with a trained puppy... LOL.

So I'm super attached the puppy.

Weird as it is... I still think about pilots dogs... one was not doing well. Maybe that's why I'm a vet? I focus on the critters more???

Either way I 100% realized that I created my own pain by showing up and being on call for puppy. It led to conversations and chatting and lunch. A good deal of lunch was focused on the kids. Granted we don't "share" kids but we raised these kids as our own for 10yr.

I'm working through that 75% of the time my STBXH was an amazing guy. He had his incredible moments and 25% of the time anger, meaness, flat out cruelness and abuse came out. He never came out and apologized but looking back he tried through actions but nothing would change long term and it was always he was stressed out and sleep deprived. And, before you judge... he was most of the time sleep deprived. 12-14hr days 7 days a week.

I saw the "good" man during the times with the puppy and at lunch. Its the "good" man I miss. The screaming and yelling and physical and emotional abuse was devestating... but as they say "hurt people hurt people". Maybe I'm too forgiving... IDK.

I don't know why he randomly sends pics. I don't ask. They are only of the forge and his knives that he is making - a new hobby.

He isn't asking the save the M. He has moved on and I need to as well... I'm in my own way of that happening.

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There is zero excuse for any physical abuse, especially when your son even witnessed it and your son was emotionally abused by him from your account. Hurt people hurt people is never an excuse .

Wanting to see the “good” has nothing to do with your forgiving nature. It has to do with your trauma and attachment issues . You continue to obsess over a man who abused you, but the good is he’s nice to the puppy. The man was abusive to you.

You are obsessing and perseverate over two men. And I believe only for the reason they rejected you. Your self esteem and self worth are shot.

We have all said it, but there is a limit on the help you can get here. You really need professional help and I really hope for your sake you get it soon

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Originally Posted by Ginger1
There is zero excuse for any physical abuse, especially when your son even witnessed it and your son was emotionally abused by him from your account. Hurt people hurt people is never an excuse .

Wanting to see the “good” has nothing to do with your forgiving nature. It has to do with your trauma and attachment issues . You continue to obsess over a man who abused you, but the good is he’s nice to the puppy. The man was abusive to you.

You are obsessing and perseverate over two men. And I believe only for the reason they rejected you. Your self esteem and self worth are shot.

We have all said it, but there is a limit on the help you can get here. You really need professional help and I really hope for your sake you get it soon


I'm not denying my issues. I am working through them. My timeline for healing is not yours.

I just want to walk away and not HATE the man. Nor do I want to be hated. I relieve some of the episodes and wonder how I made it through. I just don't want to take that baggage going forward.

I'm working out a way for me to find peace in all of this.

I know its a day at a time. I will have good days and bad days. Truth is I will never hide behind my thoughts.

That being said I'm super excited to have finished a knitting project that is a surprise for someone and have started a new knitting project for myself.

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That “good man” you miss also has an evil side , the side prevailant now that has put you here for the last few years.

That comment to ginger about your timeline for healing is not hers, you’re right. I think though that that can be a complicated thing to unpack or very simple. It’s up to the person how difficult we make it for ourselves as we try to “progress and move forward” in all of it. Of course we can backslide and falter back sometimes but are we moving ahead enough to not stay stagnant?

I’ve not really commented on your thread but I have read posts thru the months. I sympathize in many ways and hope you find peace in the healing process but don’t go soft on and make excuses for him. You did that with the sleep deprivation. When you say things like before you judge, it will have the opposite effect and I for one become supercritical , I and many here who have been BD’d probably sleep on average 4 hours or less and you got some of the most caring, compassionate people here so wake up to that.


H 49 , W 47
T 23, M 17
S11, S5
BD: 7/18
IHS: 7/18 - 3/19
Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19
Piecing: 4/19 - Current

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I am not saying you need to heal on my timeline or anyone else’s. Adam speaks to what I am saying. You keep saying you are aware of your issues. But you are doing anything productive to fix them, it’s like you are going 90mph even though you know the car had no brakes. What are you doing to move forward rather than remain stagnant . Because you obsessing and justifying is keeping you awfully stuck. We all just really want you to move forward and not stay right where you are, which is a place of thoughts and habits which keep you from moving forward

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