Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 6 of 11 1 2 4 5 6 7 8 10 11
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
Quote
Jealous? I never was, she was unfaithful once as we were dating before S7 was born


Were the two of you just dating.......or were you living together? Big difference there. Your signature information says you've only been married five years, but together for ten. So, S7 was born before you were actually married, right?

First time I remember you ever saying anything about her cheating during that time. Did you react much the same way as when she left you, smothering & pressuring her? Did she have remorse for cheating on you and ask for forgiveness, or did she refuse to talk about it? I'm asking how it was resolved. Do you see any similar actions in your W currently, that you saw back when she cheated on you?


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Joined: Dec 2020
Posts: 40
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Dec 2020
Posts: 40
Hey Pack, this is my first time posting in someone else's thread. I'm dealing with my own sitch, and while there are some similarities, I thought I would take a minute to post a quick thought. (again.. I'm just a guy, take this with a grain of salt)

It looks like you have a desired outcome in your mind and are basing your thoughts and plans around that. The problem, as I'm coming to accept, is that an M in flux (like yours, and also mine) doesn't care about our thoughts or plans.

The following is based on concepts from a book I read. I've been "gently" reminded about forum rules on sharing titles/authors, so without attributing this.. just understand that these are not necessarily my original thoughts:

I recently read that one of the first steps in overcoming betrayal is forgiveness. What I didn't consider, is that forgiveness has a price. It always does and always will. Our natural expectation is for the other person to pay that price. In my case, I want my wife to be remorseful and show love and affection. That would be the price for my forgiveness. However, she's not willing to pay that, so unless I pick up the tab, she owns my mind. I'm looking for ways to validate actions or signs that she's getting ready to settle up "what's owed". I keep thinking about her words and actions and whether or not they meet the criteria.

The problem here is that she is not in a place mentally where she feels the need to pay that bill. Why? It doesn't really matter. I thought it did. The truth is, she could be in an MLC, a WAW, or just be a terrible person who I never really knew. I like to think I have an idea of which truth is valid here, but there's a likelihood that its none of these or all of them. The fact is, my forgiveness has a price tag and if I want to provide it for her, then that price tag is different. It means part of me has to die. That sounds very dramatic. It is. You have to figure out, what you can kill off inside you that makes this acceptable. If it's romantic feelings towards your W, or the idea of saving your M, or maybe it's your own dignity? Maybe it's something temporary, like your communications with her or plans you might've had.

For me, I have to kill off my anger towards a PA. I have to kill off my expectations. I have to kill off a lack of trust. Man, I need a lot of ammo. This is getting to be an extensive list!

Hold the phone, these are all thoughts. They are all based on my thoughts. They are based on my feelings. So, I can't kill these until I understand how that works.

As we think, we are. It's pretty simple, but when you find yourself thinking about anything in your hit list, you need to change the subject. Skip to another track. For me, going for a run, doing chores, dialing in on some school work, spending time with the kids, etc. are all effective ways for me to change lanes. If you find yourself brooding, or dwelling on what-if, these are groveling thoughts. Thoughts that serve no purpose other than to destroy you from the inside. You can't suffer yourself into a saved marriage. You can't elevate yourself to being a better man while under the weight of all that darkness. Turn your thoughts to productive and good things and your outcome will change. Remember though, that manipulating your W into choosing you, is not a good thing. Having temporary relationships that are only designed to bring you pleasure, is also not good in a wholesome sense. They may be temporarily fulfilling, but in the end, you will be alone again.

Keep working on yourself. Re-define your motivation. Figure out what your driving factor is. It can't be your W or M. It needs to be something that will be implacable. A beacon to help you find your way. You have to be the best "you" so that this M or a future R can be healthy but also, so your life can be healthy.

Best of luck Pack, I really wish you all the best.

Last edited by reason; 02/27/21 02:11 PM.
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 218
Likes: 7
P
Pack_19 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
P
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 218
Likes: 7
hi all!
Thanks for all your comments! The week is going good with the kids at home.
I am just going to give a brief update about W. We have no contact and I know she is seeing OM. This situation is just so painful and all that has happened over the last 1.5 years that I am really going to focus on myself now, I need it more than ever.

As we were dating on our 20s she got really drunk on a wedding she had invited me to and spent the night dancing with a guy who was onto her. I have never been the aggressive kind, I told her she was humiliating herself and hurting me and I moved out of the main celebration room. By the end of the night the guy dragged her behind some trees and they kissed just in time for me to see it and go in rage mode. I thought that would be the most painful experience I would have to go through in my life, how wrong I was. She showed remorse, did a lot of things to prove it, but I did not respond and I could not see her for many months because to me she was different in an instant. Eventually, I ended up choosing to give it a second try. She spent the rest of our relationship saying she was young and drunk and nothing major happened with that guy, this last thing is what always hurt me the most. It was a big deal, and she refused to agree to that.

Now to Pack, I am sorting all to have the bathroom refurbished by the end of this month. It is the last touch this house in Seville needs. I started reading "Holding on to your NUTS" and all I can say is that I love it. It is really making me wish I could find something like a better man group here in Spain to talk about all that I feel, for now this board is more than enough. I think a lot about my NUTS and specially liked to what is happening now with OM.

I start today with the motorbike license book and I will start doing tests. Cannot wait to jump on a bike and see how I handle it! hahahaah I am recovering slowly from COVID, when I go running I can keep up the pace but I only run half as long as I used to, this troubles me but I have read many people report similar changes for months.

I talked to my manager about starting to go more often to Madrid, she told me she would help me as much as possible but I need to wait until April for this. I have a lot of anxiety about this because I dont know how much and how they will be able to push to improve my conditions so that I can progressively spend more time in Madrid. The thing that keeps me calm is that she knows the sacrifices I have done for the kids and how isolated I feel here.

I met a woman I really liked on IG, after chatting for a week in a way I thought was really working I got a message form her that she had realized she did not want to meet anyone and wanted to leave things there and focus on her friends. Then she blocked me. I know this should not affect me, it just made me sad because it brings back those thoughts about something being wrong with me in Rs and me not being attractive and fun. Just something I wanted to share here.

I continue to have a great internal struggle between defending my boundaries wrt what W is doing right now and my deep desire to not live with a broken family and only being with the kids half the time. I am starting to force myself to think more about the former, in a way that I put first Pack, my worth as a man and my integrity. On some level it does not feel right but at the same time it helps me get confidence and strength back. How can I be the best Pack if I can only think about the past and I continue to blame myself for all that has happened? It is very sad W has chosen to act the way she has.

Originally Posted by LH19

Why do you think you were trying to live a life you couldn't afford?


I wanted to give the best to my kids and to her and to do it as soon as possible. Any unforeseen expense as changing the tires of the car would be a problem and then is the issue with all the traveling. We lived abroad but for weddings, holidays and special occasions we had to fly. All of that was on me and I was not strong enough to say now we need to talk because I need to save more and I am very stressed with this situation. Instead I saw myself as a failure if I had to do that.

Quote

Pack I am not saying you are not ready to D. Only you know if you are ready. I just don't think you should D to date.

I am thinking a lot about my deadline, I think May, June seems fine. After all she has done, it should only represent signing a paper to me.
Quote

So no truth to be selfish and arrogant?
I have confidence and self esteem and she has always had very low self esteem. I am not arrogant, but I would be watching a quizz on tv and give a wrong answer to a question and she would be all like "How can you answer so sure if you dont know it?" and I would say is just my guess for the answer. This is just one of many examples. Selfish? I did many things that led her to feel that way, for example I led our way to Germany following my career development when I should have sat down with her and ask her were she would be happy living. I am working to be a better man in this respect and understand the things I can control and how to cover my needs.

Originally Posted by SteveLW

Now, I do believe people can be remorseful and really change. It i just that it tends to be a very small % of the population that can do this in meaningful ways.


I don't think W has the strength and motivation to do this. I have identified a couple of things in me I really want to work on changing forever. 1. Better control on the things I can influence and my feelings and 2. not chasing anyone who does not have great interest on me.


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Me 29 W:29
M: 5yrs T:10yrs
S:6 yrs S:1 yr
BD: "I want a D" 08/09/19
Sep: 10/27/19
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 218
Likes: 7
P
Pack_19 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
P
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 218
Likes: 7
Originally Posted by sandi2

Were the two of you just dating.......or were you living together? Big difference there. Your signature information says you've only been married five years, but together for ten. So, S7 was born before you were actually married, right?


Hi Sandi! Yes we were just dating but in what I thought was a serious R. S7 was born one year before we got married.

Quote

First time I remember you ever saying anything about her cheating during that time. Did you react much the same way as when she left you, smothering & pressuring her? Did she have remorse for cheating on you and ask for forgiveness, or did she refuse to talk about it? I'm asking how it was resolved. Do you see any similar actions in your W currently, that you saw back when she cheated on you?


I reacted in the absolute opposite way. I was thinking, she does not deserve me and I am not going to tolerate this from anyone in my life. She did many things and gestures asking for forgiveness but I was not ready to listen, so we spent months being "together" but with a broken R. Then I left to study in the UK thinking I need to move on with my life and dreams and our R was really fixed when with the distance I guess we both missed each other. Then W got pregnant and it brought us closer. After a year in between the UK and Spain I asked her to come live with me, on tears she told me she would not move if we were not married. I told her it was not the time and I was not ready but I ended up giving into her accusations. During that year she also had a "good" male friend from university. I told her that was not tolerable and that she spent far too much talking to him, guess what happened? She told me I had jealousy issues and we had a big argument.

I dont know if she loved me or not, if she ever did or what is on her mind now. I dont want to focus on the bad things that have happened to us in the past. This is why I try not to analyze if she is a cheater or not and why she thinks being with OM is acceptable. Right now I just want to be focused on Pack and improving myself as a man.

Last edited by Pack_19; 03/02/21 10:23 AM.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Me 29 W:29
M: 5yrs T:10yrs
S:6 yrs S:1 yr
BD: "I want a D" 08/09/19
Sep: 10/27/19
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 218
Likes: 7
P
Pack_19 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
P
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 218
Likes: 7
Originally Posted by reason


I recently read that one of the first steps in overcoming betrayal is forgiveness. What I didn't consider, is that forgiveness has a price. It always does and always will. Our natural expectation is for the other person to pay that price. In my case, I want my wife to be remorseful and show love and affection.


Hi reason, thanks for your post. I did also read not long ago forgiveness comes at the price of the forgiver. You know I always thought I was offering her my forgiveness when after all her threats, comments and actions I would stay there talking to her when we exchanged the kids, or offered her to go for a walk. I guess I was very wrong, I can forgive her but I am not sure if that is the man I am and the message I want to send to my kids.

Quote

For me, I have to kill off my anger towards a PA. I have to kill off my expectations. I have to kill off a lack of trust. Man, I need a lot of ammo. This is getting to be an extensive list!

For me is the feeling that she is the most important woman in my life and my feelings for her.

Quote

Having temporary relationships that are only designed to bring you pleasure, is also not good in a wholesome sense. They may be temporarily fulfilling, but in the end, you will be alone again.

Keep working on yourself. Re-define your motivation. Figure out what your driving factor is. It can't be your W or M. It needs to be something that will be implacable. A beacon to help you find your way. You have to be the best "you" so that this M or a future R can be healthy but also, so your life can be healthy.

Best of luck Pack, I really wish you all the best.


I never wanted temporary relationships, but I am dealing with a lot of loneliness now. It does not scare me, is juts very painful in the same way that it is painful to think about the way W has built a life from scratch as if nothing had happened before and where I am not even a thought.

I have been thinking a lot about something that really pushes me to become that best version of myself. My children, they will learn from me how to be a man and how to act in life. I want to look at them as they grow and see strong, good men and I want to go to bed everyday knowing the person next to me loves me and feeling the same for her. To get there, I must first learn to be happy alone, to love my bright and dark sides and to be a man of integrity and true values.


P - Work on my muscles (crossfit), keep up running and biking, always dress with style and practice the sexual kung-fu
I - Get a couple of certifications at work, promote to L6, continue to read about what makes a loving and strong man and attraction. Get the motorbike driving license
E - Try to active listen to anyone I interact with, detach from W and be cheerful and happy about the things in my life.
S - Surrender to the fact that I cannot control my way out, have a better R with myself and better understand my emotions


NC towards WAW, no R at all, bringing up my boundaries and 200% focused on making Pack the best man I can be! Thank you all!


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Me 29 W:29
M: 5yrs T:10yrs
S:6 yrs S:1 yr
BD: "I want a D" 08/09/19
Sep: 10/27/19
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
Originally Posted by Pack_19
Originally Posted by reason


I recently read that one of the first steps in overcoming betrayal is forgiveness. What I didn't consider, is that forgiveness has a price. It always does and always will. Our natural expectation is for the other person to pay that price. In my case, I want my wife to be remorseful and show love and affection.


Hi reason, thanks for your post. I did also read not long ago forgiveness comes at the price of the forgiver. You know I always thought I was offering her my forgiveness when after all her threats, comments and actions I would stay there talking to her when we exchanged the kids, or offered her to go for a walk. I guess I was very wrong, I can forgive her but I am not sure if that is the man I am and the message I want to send to my kids.

Quote

For me, I have to kill off my anger towards a PA. I have to kill off my expectations. I have to kill off a lack of trust. Man, I need a lot of ammo. This is getting to be an extensive list!

For me is the feeling that she is the most important woman in my life and my feelings for her.

Quote

Having temporary relationships that are only designed to bring you pleasure, is also not good in a wholesome sense. They may be temporarily fulfilling, but in the end, you will be alone again.

Keep working on yourself. Re-define your motivation. Figure out what your driving factor is. It can't be your W or M. It needs to be something that will be implacable. A beacon to help you find your way. You have to be the best "you" so that this M or a future R can be healthy but also, so your life can be healthy.

Best of luck Pack, I really wish you all the best.


I never wanted temporary relationships, but I am dealing with a lot of loneliness now. It does not scare me, is juts very painful in the same way that it is painful to think about the way W has built a life from scratch as if nothing had happened before and where I am not even a thought.

I have been thinking a lot about something that really pushes me to become that best version of myself. My children, they will learn from me how to be a man and how to act in life. I want to look at them as they grow and see strong, good men and I want to go to bed everyday knowing the person next to me loves me and feeling the same for her. To get there, I must first learn to be happy alone, to love my bright and dark sides and to be a man of integrity and true values.


P - Work on my muscles (crossfit), keep up running and biking, always dress with style and practice the sexual kung-fu
I - Get a couple of certifications at work, promote to L6, continue to read about what makes a loving and strong man and attraction. Get the motorbike driving license
E - Try to active listen to anyone I interact with, detach from W and be cheerful and happy about the things in my life.
S - Surrender to the fact that I cannot control my way out, have a better R with myself and better understand my emotions


NC towards WAW, no R at all, bringing up my boundaries and 200% focused on making Pack the best man I can be! Thank you all!


Pack just out of curiosity how are you practicing your sexual Kung-fu and is it dangerous?

Last edited by LH19; 03/02/21 11:32 AM.
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
Originally Posted by Pack_19
hi all!
Thanks for all your comments! The week is going good with the kids at home.
I am just going to give a brief update about W. We have no contact and I know she is seeing OM. This situation is just so painful and all that has happened over the last 1.5 years that I am really going to focus on myself now, I need it more than ever.

As we were dating on our 20s she got really drunk on a wedding she had invited me to and spent the night dancing with a guy who was onto her. I have never been the aggressive kind, I told her she was humiliating herself and hurting me and I moved out of the main celebration room. By the end of the night the guy dragged her behind some trees and they kissed just in time for me to see it and go in rage mode. I thought that would be the most painful experience I would have to go through in my life, how wrong I was. She showed remorse, did a lot of things to prove it, but I did not respond and I could not see her for many months because to me she was different in an instant. Eventually, I ended up choosing to give it a second try. She spent the rest of our relationship saying she was young and drunk and nothing major happened with that guy, this last thing is what always hurt me the most. It was a big deal, and she refused to agree to that.

Now to Pack, I am sorting all to have the bathroom refurbished by the end of this month. It is the last touch this house in Seville needs. I started reading "Holding on to your NUTS" and all I can say is that I love it. It is really making me wish I could find something like a better man group here in Spain to talk about all that I feel, for now this board is more than enough. I think a lot about my NUTS and specially liked to what is happening now with OM.

I start today with the motorbike license book and I will start doing tests. Cannot wait to jump on a bike and see how I handle it! hahahaah I am recovering slowly from COVID, when I go running I can keep up the pace but I only run half as long as I used to, this troubles me but I have read many people report similar changes for months.

I talked to my manager about starting to go more often to Madrid, she told me she would help me as much as possible but I need to wait until April for this. I have a lot of anxiety about this because I dont know how much and how they will be able to push to improve my conditions so that I can progressively spend more time in Madrid. The thing that keeps me calm is that she knows the sacrifices I have done for the kids and how isolated I feel here.

I met a woman I really liked on IG, after chatting for a week in a way I thought was really working I got a message form her that she had realized she did not want to meet anyone and wanted to leave things there and focus on her friends. Then she blocked me. I know this should not affect me, it just made me sad because it brings back those thoughts about something being wrong with me in Rs and me not being attractive and fun. Just something I wanted to share here.

I continue to have a great internal struggle between defending my boundaries wrt what W is doing right now and my deep desire to not live with a broken family and only being with the kids half the time. I am starting to force myself to think more about the former, in a way that I put first Pack, my worth as a man and my integrity. On some level it does not feel right but at the same time it helps me get confidence and strength back. How can I be the best Pack if I can only think about the past and I continue to blame myself for all that has happened? It is very sad W has chosen to act the way she has.

Originally Posted by LH19

Why do you think you were trying to live a life you couldn't afford?


I wanted to give the best to my kids and to her and to do it as soon as possible. Any unforeseen expense as changing the tires of the car would be a problem and then is the issue with all the traveling. We lived abroad but for weddings, holidays and special occasions we had to fly. All of that was on me and I was not strong enough to say now we need to talk because I need to save more and I am very stressed with this situation. Instead I saw myself as a failure if I had to do that.

Quote

Pack I am not saying you are not ready to D. Only you know if you are ready. I just don't think you should D to date.

I am thinking a lot about my deadline, I think May, June seems fine. After all she has done, it should only represent signing a paper to me.
Quote

So no truth to be selfish and arrogant?
I have confidence and self esteem and she has always had very low self esteem. I am not arrogant, but I would be watching a quizz on tv and give a wrong answer to a question and she would be all like "How can you answer so sure if you dont know it?" and I would say is just my guess for the answer. This is just one of many examples. Selfish? I did many things that led her to feel that way, for example I led our way to Germany following my career development when I should have sat down with her and ask her were she would be happy living. I am working to be a better man in this respect and understand the things I can control and how to cover my needs.

Originally Posted by SteveLW

Now, I do believe people can be remorseful and really change. It i just that it tends to be a very small % of the population that can do this in meaningful ways.


I don't think W has the strength and motivation to do this. I have identified a couple of things in me I really want to work on changing forever. 1. Better control on the things I can influence and my feelings and 2. not chasing anyone who does not have great interest on me.





So Pack you say you have have a lot of confidence and self esteem but your actions say otherwise. Maybe something to address in IC.

Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 218
Likes: 7
P
Pack_19 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
P
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 218
Likes: 7
Originally Posted by LH19

Pack just out of curiosity how are you practicing your sexual Kung-fu and is it dangerous?


Hi LH!
So the book about multiorgasmic man has all these breathing and muscular exercises to gain better control over ejaculation and so on. Then you have a lot of content on healthy masturbation and understanding your body in a better way. When I am in between physical exercise or have some calm time or in bed, I repeat these exercises. I have not been able to test if they work as I am not seeing anyone so my sex life is non existent but I can say there have been good results when alone! hahaha

Quote

So Pack you say you have have a lot of confidence and self esteem but your actions say otherwise. Maybe something to address in IC.


I always had very strong self esteem except when it comes to women. Is like I always thought I was not too attractive or really understood how women work. In all other aspects, I have never doubted my worth as a man. This is why for me it has been so revealing to learn from the books you recommend here about women and relationships. I think that feeling of me not being attractive is what has led me to chase and bother W. I will work on that.

I dont understand how it has been so easy for W to put behind our M, the 10 years of memories and shared value we have. I know I cannot change that, it just hurts immensely. Also the feeling of being force to stop seeing W as the woman of your life because of her actions, that is very hard in the presence of a broken family.

Thanks LH!


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Me 29 W:29
M: 5yrs T:10yrs
S:6 yrs S:1 yr
BD: "I want a D" 08/09/19
Sep: 10/27/19
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
Originally Posted by Pack_19
I don't understand how it has been so easy for W to put behind our M, the 10 years of memories and shared value we have.

So Pack first you don't really know if this is easy for her or not she is never going to show you her true feelings. Second she has been probably detaching from you and the marriage for years and you just were not aware. Third it sounds like your marriage wasn't very good dur to the constant arguments and lastly she knows she can have you back whenever she wants. So right now she has a free pass to pursue other relationships.

There are many dynamics that I have learned in the last five years. Rejection breeds obsession, the one who cares about the relationship the least is the one in control and the pursuit and distance dynamic. You are experiencing all of these right now and it is mainly because of your belief that in order to be happy you have to be in an intact family. You have to change this line of thinking because it's simply not true.

Last edited by LH19; 03/02/21 01:52 PM.
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,822
Likes: 226
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,822
Likes: 226
Hey Pack, your wedding story really hit home for me, and brought back a memory. I'll go ahead and share because I think it makes an important point about attachment, boundaries, deal-breakers, etc.

In my mid-20s, I dated a lot of women. I was a very well employed bachelor, living on my own. I look back at those days as my "eligible bachelor" days and it literally drew women to me like a moth to a flame. I dated a lot, but didn't have Rs with many because, as I have stated multiple times on this forum, I was still hung-up on my ex-gf. by my mid-20s we had been doing the on-again, off-again dance for going on 15 years, but around this time I started to wake-up to the fact that she was keeping me hanging, making me her back-up plan, and that I couldn't trust anything she had to say.

(As an aside, it was about the time I met the girl for the story below that my ex called me one night and we had a 2 hour phone conversation about how her then bf was taking a job out of town, she wasn't going with him and she wanted to be with me. She was tenacious, not letting me off the phone, talking about how she missed kissing me and that she couldn't wait to be with me, etc. I hung up on cloud 9 thinking that it was finally going to happen, us getting back together this time for the long haul. Two weeks later she called me again. She was very coy, stuck to small talk. Finally I said, "so what happened to the job?" She said, "what job?" I said "The job X was taking out of town." Her: "Oh he turned that down." Coyness explained!)

So I had started dating just about every woman I came into contact with that I was attracted to. After years of not dating, waiting for my ex, I was ready to meet and date as many women as possible to make-up for lost time! Plus it kept me busy. It was pretty easy, I had been working out like a fiend when not at work, I was in the best shape of my life, I even had Brad Pitt abs! I met this younger woman (I was about 26, she was 21.) She was really cool. She had shorter hair than I generally liked, but she had the athletic build I was attracted to. I always preferred athletic, softball/volleyball and dancer body types. So she was cute and built like what I preferred. And she was one of the coolest women I ever met. Former athlete (she had torn up her knee ending her sports life), and loved watching sports. She was as knowledgeable about sports as any women I've ever met.

We went to the movies for our first date. The night ended with me dropping her off at home (she still lived with her parents), and we had a romantic kiss to part. Our second date she invited me to a Halloween party. I really liked her on our first date so I quickly accepted. The evening of the Halloween party she called me and said she understood if I didn't want to go since I wouldn't know anyone but her there. 1st red flag. I assured her that she was the only person I needed to know, and that I would enjoy being her date. She seemed to like that answer, but I should have seen it as a bigger sign in hindsight.

We got to the party early, we were the only ones there. She knew the people hosting it so it wasn't that big of a deal. Except, that she left me, still not really sure where she disappeared to, and so I was left hanging out in the basement where the party was at, with the guy hosting. It was awkward but we made small talk. 2nd red flag. By time the party started, the place was filling up. She had come back and was clinging to me, but she was also hitting the beer pretty hard. Being dry for several years now (and she knew I was a recovering alcoholic) I found the behavior odd, but chalked it up to her being 21. She also knew I wasn't much of a dancer, but apparently she loved to dance so she hit the dance floor with her friends and she seemed to be having a good time. There were several times where her and her friends hung out with me, and their respective dates, and the conversation seemed to be going well.

Then a song they loved came on and she hit the dance floor again. But this time she was dirty dancing with a guy that was on the dance floor. Red flag #3. Now I was starting to figure out how to make my exit. She had come with me, but she certainly had plenty of friends and we were only a few miles from her house. The dirty dancing with the other guy continued for several songs. And when it finally ended she came over to me and said she would be "right back". Her and dirty dancer partner then disappeared. Red flag #4. By then I was over it and really wanting to get out of there. It seemed like forever that she was gone, but in reality it was probably only about 30 minutes. I figured out later they had probably gone outside to smoke (something I discovered that night she did "when she was partying"), but who knows what else happened. At that point I no longer cared. When she finally reappeared she was apologetic, but I immediately said "I am going to get going." She looked a little sad, and I asked "Are you okay to get a ride home from someone?" She said that wouldn't be a problem. I said: "Great! Goodbye." She insisted on walking me out to my vehicle. When we got to the vehicle I said: "Have fun" and she tried to pull me in for another kiss. Knowing she disappeared with another guy and her smelling like alcohol and cigarettes, I was not really into a romantic kiss, so I gave her a quick peck, and jumped in my truck and got out of there. She was still standing on the sidewalk as I drove away, and she looked like she was regretful.

I never called her again. She called me one time about a week after that, and left a message on my answering machine. I deleted it and never looked back.

The point about all of this is that we get a lot of LBSs here that have stories like this about their WAS! I struggle a lot with that. I mean if they will do this kind of thing while you are dating, how do you think they won't do it to you after you've been married for a while? Red flags should not be smoothed over when dating someone. This was our second date. That is when the "on your best behavior" period is usually in full force. Luckily for me I stuck to my boundaries, and I stuck to a deal-breaker. For me that kind of behavior with another guy was unacceptable. Disappearing and doing who knows what was unacceptable. Obviously, I think she didn't want to be "tied down" at the party which is why she tried to get me to not go, after inviting me, but the fact she had the audacity to try to kiss me and to call me after all of that really made me shake my head. Why would I continue with a person that was going to behave that way so early on in a potential relationship? Let alone eventually marrying her? Not a chance.

Maybe she was just young, I don't know, but there was no chance I was ever going out with her again after that. Pack I know you said that you waited months before giving her another chance. But the fact that she never dealt with it properly seems like something you now look back and acknowledge was a huge red flag! Can I ask, did she continue to drink to the point of excess after that? Because frankly, if I were you, I would have worried every time that she got drunk she was going to go off and make out with another dude.

Sorry for the long post! But I really wish some of our non-married posters would read stories like this and realize that they've been given a gift of seeing who their SO is BEFORE they make a life-long commitment to them.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Page 6 of 11 1 2 4 5 6 7 8 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard